Sunday, June 27, 2010

We're Still Here

Hello dear blog friends!

I am so sorry for my recent absence, but life is a whirlwind right now. We got back from a quick trip to celebrate "Miller Grace Days" with Emily and her awesome family and have finished t-ball and are dealing currently with health issues!

Here is an example of how life is tonight:

Hope began to break out in hives from her antibiotic for her ear infection, so I called the doctor. He said to discontinue using the antibiotic and get her some Benadryl and call in the morning for a new prescription. (how do I not be terrified now of all antibiotics?).

The kids were in their PJ's but we figured we would all climb in the car and go get Hope's meds. I run into the store grab the Benadryl, and while I am cashing out the woman says, "Ma'am, I think you should wait here. There was just a tornado spotted nearby and the sirens are sounding." (I have been in a tornado and have issues with severe weather) I run outside to find my family waiting in the van totally unaware. I panic, and have Howard pull in to the nearest fast food restaurant, take all three kids in Pjs and slippers into the restaurant, seat them in a corner, void of windows, and order them a snack to wait out the storm.

The storm ends, we come home, get kids into bed, and Ben wakes up SCREAMING. He, I believe has a UTI! SERIOUSLY!? NOW another storm is coming. We are feeling very under attack and would appreciate your prayers.

Friday, June 11, 2010

If You Have a Minute or Twenty

I couldn't have written the story God weaved better than Emily. Please take a minute and go read the story of a Divine Appointment. Have a wonderful weekend!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Just as a Reminder

Sometimes I am still surprised that even years into a grief journey, just when things are beginning to feel normal, just when you think your heart couldn't hold another ounce of joy, it hits, a shocking wave of grief that can bring you to your knees in an instant.

We had kind of settled in here at the Bolte house, Hope is beginning to sleep and be a little more content to sit on the floor next to me while the boys help with household tasks. My house is beginning to reappear from under the piles of clutter and laundry, as I once again find my rhythm.

And yet, just the other night, grief gripped my heart so tightly that I could barely breathe. I am not sure if it is the fact that "typically" at this point in life, where things begin to ease up and the demands of a newborn are behind us, we are blessed with a new life and my body is invaded again for another nine months, and the fact that that is just not going to happen again, or if it is the fact that Isaac's birthday is next, he will be five this July.

In case you missed it, we do birthdays BIG in the Bolte we have "birthday week". A week of fun designated for celebrating the ones we cherish most on this earth. We know all too well that we are never guaranteed a tomorrow and that we should cherish today and we do our best to celebrate each blessing the Lord has bestowed upon us.

I sit and wonder, what Isaac would look like at five years old. He and Luke are our two NON redheads. I wonder if he would look like Luke. I bet he and Luke would be best buds. I wonder what type of cake he would like, would it be white like his big brothers? Would it be chocolate like mama and Hope? Or, would he prefer a cheeseburger like his daddy? Would he want transformer decorations, or Hotwheels? What would his wishlist look like?

Sometimes I drive myself nuts with this stuff. I KNOW that Isaac will celebrate his fifth birthday in the most perfect place, just as he has the four birthdays prior to this and just as he will for eternity. Yet I can't help but wonder what my Isaac would be like. A mom is supposed to know her kid, I was robbed of that. Six days is not long enough, especially when you are so deep in shock that you can't see straight.

I went to bed that night teary, Howard asked what was up. I told him I was sad. He gets it. He just held me and let me cry. Sometimes a wave of grief engulfs me like a tidal wave when I least expect it. I have learned to allow myself the time to be sad instead of trying to push it away. We have to walk through it, we can't skip over it or it will bounce right back and throw us under the current again.

In a way it felt good to be sad for a while. Sometimes I think we need that reminder of where we have been so that we can embrace the grief and move forward. There is nothing wrong with revisiting your grief, but I am learning I just can't reside there. My life would not be the same if it weren't for Isaac and Asher. I would not be the same mother, wife, daughter, sister, or woman. They have forever changed me and I don't want to ever forget that. There is something sacred about revisiting the sorrow of losing something so dear, we just have to embrace it and move forward with the blessings before us. I would give just about anything to hold my boys just one more time, but I can't allow myself to miss out on the blessings of my living children because I am so deep in grief. Learning the balance is tricky and I am still trying to figure it all out.

Luke is out of school for summer, Howard will finish up this week (but will be working a summer job) and we have a lot of fun little things planned for our summer. As we enter July, the days we held and let go of our Isaac, if you think of us, please pray. Pray for our hearts, pray for balance, and pray that we always see the blessings the Lord has put directly in front of us even as we continue to grieve.

If you are also walking this grief tightrope, how do you balance it all?

Monday, June 7, 2010

Melt My Heart

Today my grandpa picked us up to take us to lunch and shared a milkshake with Hope! :) It was so sweet! As you can see, she LOVED it and did NOT want to give it back!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

What A Difference A Year Makes

Hope and Birthday Lamby
One Week Old

Hope and Birthday Lamby
One Month Old

Hope and Birthday Lamby
2 Months Old

Hope and Birthday Lamby
3 Months Old

Hope and Birthday Lamby
4 Months Old

Hope and Birthday Lamby
5 Months Old

Hope and Birthday Lamby
6 Months Old

Hope and Lamby
7 Months Old

Hope and Lamby
8 Months Old

Hope and Lamby
9 Months Old

Hope and Lamby
10 Months Old

Hope and Lamby
11 Months Old

Hope and Lamby
12 Months Old

Well, folks, there you have it. Hope Amelia is officially a year old. At 2:22 pm one year ago this baby girl made her debut. Little did we know in the coming days we would go on to find out she had a very rare skin disorder called Epidermolysis Bullosa. At that time her future was so uncertain. Here we stand a year later praising God with every breath that Hope is thriving and growing. She is a miracle and I just know her brothers in Heaven are beaming down at her just as her brothers here do. She is a very loved girl for sure. Please don't think that for one moment I take all of the prayers you all have offered on her behalf lightly. I stand in awe of the Lord and of the body of Christ as you all have rallied around us.

Here is what Miss Hope is up to these days:

She weighs in at just over 17 pounds and is wearing 9-12 month clothes comfortably

She DESPISES putting her feet in grass or sand

She also despises water, be it pools, baths or the lake

She is still a VERY picky eater and prefers to nurse

She has developed a new love of baby dolls (which mommy also loves)

She also loves balls and trucks

She can stand on her own very well and tried to take a step just yesterday.

She says: bye bye, hi, no, yeah, thank you (ku ku), baby (beebee), snack (nack), duck, Ben, Mama, Dada, fish (shish), pretty (pitty) when she sees a flower, ball, uh-oh, shoe, see, what's that?

She STILL prefers mommy to anyone else, but is beginning to warm up to Grandpa Bolte

She loves to clap and cheer at Luke's tball games

She still does NOT sleep through the night (it happened ONCE, it was a fluke)

She LOVES books

She astounds us each and every day. I look at her and when I think of all God has done in her in the past year I am awestruck. I am humbled and grateful that He chose US to be her family. She is one special girl and we just love her to pieces!

We had a VERY busy weekend and day today. I will share more about all of that and pictures ASAP. Tonight I need some rest! :)