Saturday, January 31, 2009

August 2003

I was scanning a few pictures for a DVD I am working on for the March of Dimes and thought I would share.

Today's selections are of Luke...stay tuned tomorrow for Ben.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Prayers for Emma and Anna

I have recently had the privelage of "meeting" another family on a journey they never imagined for themselves. They are a wonderful family who is expecting conjoined twin girls, Anna and Emma. The girls share many of the same organs and parts, and due to the fact that their hearts are conjoined also they are not expected to live.

I can honestly tell you that I have been more than blessed by their story and their sweet mommy. I know that they would covet your prayers as I do. Please take a moment and stop over to their site and let them know you are thinking of them.

Thank you all!

***to visit them you do have to register eliminates the anonymous issue. :-) I promise it is worth the extra minute!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Sinking In

Last night I was lying in bed and Howard came in to read before going to sleep. He asked how I was doing as I had just showered and not re-emerged to finish our Wii game. I looked at him and said, "Howard, there is a chance that this baby might live." the words just spilled out and then came the tears. He looked at me bewildered and said "Yes, Kristy, this baby is going to live. It sounds to me like someone has been feeding you lies" It had just hit me. I had been living the past twenty one weeks telling God that if He again chose to take my baby to Heaven that I would trust and willingly give them over despite how badly I wanted to keep them, preparing myself for that, never thinking about the idea that He might allow this baby to remain a part of our family here on Earth, just not allowing myself to go there.

I struggle with the idea of hope. We use the word freely. "I hope the results are good." "I hope we get to go on vacation." " I hope we get to sleep tonight." We use the word when we don't fully expect something to happen but we want it to. The word hope in the Bible is used differently. It is used as a word to describe something we fully believe but cannot see.

I fully believe that God has a plan for my life. I fully believe that that plan is good. I have struggled with the idea of hoping for a healthy baby. When I use the word hope in that context I have been using the worldly definition of the word hope. I truly want this baby to be healthy, yet in all honesty, I am not confident that it is truly what will happen. I am still struggling with that. I mean God has allowed two of my children to die in my arms. Why would he spare me this time? There is no indication that anything is wrong, I know God is doing something new, that is certain. Each of my children have been a new blessing from God. Each of them similar yet so different. I know this baby will be no exception to that. I am just not sure how to be confident that God will allow me to bring this baby home. I am certainly not exempt from more suffering.

I am still keenly aware of the fact that NONE of us know what tomorrow holds. We just have to trust God and keep living for Him. I will admit though I am feeling reassured and the possibility of bringing a little one home this spring makes my heart leap for joy, I am allowing myself to begin to dream of all things newborn. I am praying that the next ultrasound on February 23 (the day after Asher's birthday) goes as well. I am so very grateful that they were able to see and measure the brain structures and other vital organs. As for the gender...really, and in all just doesn't matter. I know that God knows what is best for our family. Should He bless us with a fifth son I will be just as excited as if he chooses to bless us with our first daughter.

The truth is that I LOVE being the mommy to boys. I also love being the only girl in the house. That said, I would love to have a Cabbage Patch Doll in the house and play Barbies (though the teenage girl part...scares me a little, okay, a lot). If I got to choose boy or girl...I am not sure I even could. So I am okay with waiting, that part will reveal itself in time whether at the next scan or not until birth, we are just thrilled that this baby is growing and developing on track. We have found out the gender of each of our children through ultrasound but we are well aware of the fact that finding out the gender is not the purpose of ultrasound nor should it be.

Regardless of what the future holds, we know God is sovereign over all of it. He knows what is best for us and we are just trusting in his plan. Thank you all so much for praying for us. I am overwhelmed every day by the number of people loving and praying for our family. I am so thankful for each of you.

"I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!" My future is in your hands. Psalm 31:14-15

I am so glad that this scripture is true.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Praising God and Learning Patience

I can tell from the blog stats that many of you have been refreshing waiting to hear how things went. I can't tell you how much it means to us that so many of you were praying. We really did feel it. The appointment went well. We were kind of nervous because we had to take the boys with us but it turned out just fine.

The funny part was that the technician kindly did the brain and head measurements first so I could then breathe and get through the rest. She said that everything looked perfectly normal! Then she went on to measure the other things and get a few pictures and peek at the gender. It is a good thing she did he important stuff first because cooperation is not a strong suit for this little one!

This child is proving to have a personality all his/her own. We were not able to get ONE picture of a profile or face. We got one picture and it was of a foot! We also were not able to confirm the will have to keep guessing! :-) We got the important info though. The baby looks to be about 12 ounces and is doing just fine.

The doctor we met with after the scan said that this was all very good news and very reassuring. He then asked what he could do to make me rest easier. I asked why with Isaac the issues were not found until 37 weeks and he said that one reason is probably that they were not looking for anything and the bigger reason probably was that they have updated technology since then. The scans they do now are more detailed and able to catch things much earlier. He said that we should feel very reassured.

We go back in four weeks for another scan. SO today we are rejoicing and praising our God for the good news we have received. We never know what tomorrow holds, but we are sure that God is good and he is doing a new thing!

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19

A Little Update

Well Good Morning! I just had to take a moment to update you all a little. Last night after I posted, we put the boys to bed and I went in to take a shower. After a little Mandisa/TobyMac/Overflow/Leeland (it was a long shower) therapy I was feeling a little better. I could honestly feel the prayer that was being poured out onto our family and peace was beginning to wash over my weary self. I then painted my toenails, because come on, that has to make you feel a little more cheery, and picked up my daily devotional.

God never ceases to amaze me.

My verse for yesterday was "I have begun to deliver...Now begin to conquer and possess." from Deuteronomy 2:31

The devotional goes on to talk about the idea that sometimes God does call us to wait. Then sometimes he calls us to step out. To act in faith. We miss out on blessings if we continue to wait in fear. He calls us to boldly step out and claim the blessings that are ours. The words in that book I am certain were written for me in this moment. :-)

Once I emerged after pampering myself just a little my boys were sleeping peacefully and my husband was waiting for me. We sat on our bed and talked about what was going through our heads and it was just so great to hear that he too was stressed and thinking about the ultrasound. We talked it out and then he prayed over our family, and there is just something so calming about a husband praying over his family. My heart was put at peace.

We then slept. Benjamin did wake up at 11:30 and we brought him in with us. We all slept all night long (albeit with a foot in my back and one in my ribs). Ben seems to be doing a bit better this morning. I think the sleep did wonders for him. He is now complaining of ear pain, which the doctor said might happen. He said he thought he may also have an ear infection, but the antibiotic he is on should knock it ALL out! (getting him to take the medicine is a different is Augmentin and it is yucky. He fights me with every dose. If you have any suggestions for this I would love to hear them)

So anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that your prayer IS making a difference. We feel your prayers like a cozy blanket and are looking forward to getting another peek at our newest family member later. We will keep you posted.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Prayers Please

Well, it has been a rough few days in the Bolte household. Benjamin started acting a little under the weather Thursday night, but it just seemed like a cold so we pushed the extra fluids and got him to bed. Late that night, as they often do, a 103 fever reared it's ugly head. When Ben gets fevers he always gets one of AT LEAST 103 so this didn't panic me too much. I gave him some Ibuprofen and laid down with him. It was a rough night. He was congested and miserable. Friday he began to cough. Saturday it all got worse yet. I contemplated calling the doctor, but he was still eating, drinking and running around playing so I figure I would just wait and see. Sunday the cough continued to worsen and after Ben so kindly filled the built in bra of my tanktop with vomit I decided to call the doctor.

The doctor's response to my concerns was "Well, you have already waited a few days...what is one more." "Call the office in the morning if you are still concerned. I doubt he is in any danger." Gee thanks doc! I got off the phone and had a bit of a breakdown. I feel like I am crazy if I call right away at the slightest sign of a fever and again...crazy when I wait. Bottom line...I am crazy. Luke is the only one in this house who has slept even a reasonable amount since Thursday and I am on the brink. I do not do well with sleep deprivation and last night was the worst. So this morning Howard stayed home and I called the doctor.

Our appointment was this afternoon. The very same doctor I spoke with last night sent us to the hospital for chest xrays, thinking my boy had pneumonia. It has been a crazy long day. About five hours between the doctor's office and the hospital. A missed nap and forced medicine. We are dealing with bronchitis and a very sick little boy. I would really appreciate your prayers for Ben and for Howard and myself as we are barely able to keep our heads up.

As most of you also know tomorrow is our 20 week ultrasound. It is at 4pm. I will be nearly 21 weeks and Asher's problems were diagnosed at 19 weeks. I would like to say I am cool as a cucumber, but that would be a lie. I am frustrated, sleep deprived and my nerves are shot. I will be spending any waking time once the children are put to bed on my knees begging the Lord for GOOD NEWS again tomorrow.

It would mean so much if you all could pray for peace and sleep for our household and for the health of Ben and new baby. We know that prayer makes a difference and we have been so blessed by each of you. I will let you all know how it goes hopefully tomorrow. (but don't freak out if it isn't until late...we are going out to dinner after the appt. I have no energy to cook.) Love you all!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Tagged Again!

So I was tagged by Emily. The object was to bold all of the the things on this list that I had DONE. It was kind of funny to go through and see how much I have done and yet how much I haven't. Things I would like to do and things you could not pay me to do! :-) I needed this distraction too Emily! Thanks!

Started your own blog

Slept under the stars (not a fan of bugs)

Played in a band

Visited Hawaii

Watched a meteor shower

Given more than you can afford to charity

Been to Disneyland/world

Climbed a mountain

Held a praying mantis

Sang a solo

Bungee jumped

Visited Paris

Watched a lightning storm at sea

Taught yourself an art from scratch

Adopted a child

Had food poisoning

Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

Seen the Mona Lisa in France

Slept on an overnight train

Had a pillow fight


Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

Built a snow fort

Held a lamb

Gone skinny dipping

Been to a Broadway show in NY

Ran a Marathon (one of the things you couldn't pay me to do)

Been in three states at once

Ridden in a gondola in Venice

Seen a total eclipse

Watched a sunrise or sunset

Hit a home run

Been on a Cruise

Seen Niagra Falls in Person

Visited the birthplace of your Ancestors

Seen an Amish community

Taught yourself a new language

Had enough money to be truly satisfied

Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

Gone rock climbing

Seen Michelangelo’s David

Sung karaoke (ha! Does Baby Got Back when I was in High School count?)

Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

Visited Africa

Walked on a beach by moonlight

Been transported in an ambulance

Had your portrait painted

Gone deep sea fishing

Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

Kissed in the rain

Played in the mud

Been to Grace Kelley’s grave in Monaco

Gone to a drive-in theater (one of my favorite summertime things)

Been in a movie

Visited the Great Wall of China

Started a business

Taken a martial arts class

Swam in the Mediterranean Sea

Visited Russia

Served at a soup kitchen

Sold Girl Scout cookies

Gone whale watching

Gotten flowers for no reason

Donated blood, platelets or plasma

Gone sky diving

Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

Bounced a check

Saved a favorite childhood toy

Visited the Lincoln Memorial

Eaten Caviar (one of the you couldn't pay me to do it things)

Pieced a quilt

Stood in Times Square

Toured the Everglades

Been fired from a job

Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

Broken a bone

Been on a speeding motorcycle

Seen the Grand Canyon in person

Published a book

Visited the Vatican

Bought a brand new car

Walked in Jerusalem

Had your picture in the newspaper

Read the entire Bible

Visited the White House

Killed and prepared my own meat

Had chickenpox

Saved someone’s life

Sat on a jury

Met someone famous

Joined a book club

Lost a loved one

Had a baby (going on 5!)

Seen the Alamo in person

Swam in the Great Salt Lake

Been involved in a law suit

Owned a cell phone

Been stung by a bee

So now I am supposed to tag five others and I am tagging:






So girls...I am curious...go copy and paste this list into your blog and bold your "dones". Can't wait to know more about you!

11 months

11 months since I kissed that beautiful face

11 months since we cradled you in our arms

11 months since we held your precious hand

11 months since we touched those sweet feet.
We have not touched you in 11 months and yet you touch us every day. We love and miss you sweet boy! We are looking forward to eternity!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

No News is Good News

Hello everyone! Sorry it has been so long since I last checked in. Thank you to the many who emailed me to check in on me. You are isn't really like me to go so long without having SOMETHING to say! :-)

The thing is...I don't really have much to say! :-) We are doing well and keeping busy with typical family kind of stuff. We are just taking time to enjoy each other and the moment we are in. I will try to post some photo updates later. The boys are getting so big!

Sunday after church we decided to take them to the movies to see Madagascar 2. We were all sitting there and Ben and I were sharing a bag of Skittles and each time he would take one he would hold it up to me (in the dark) and say, "look ma, an orange one!" The first few times I praised him for knowing his colors (though they could really have been any color!) and then I began to just nod after about the 20th Skittle. Ben proceeded to grab my cheeks and turn my face to his and he looked right in my eyes and said "Mom, talk to me, use your words!" I almost peed my pants! It was too funny!

These are the kinds of things we are reveling in right now. Just the every day. Remembering to praise God and give thanks in all things. We are keeping our eyes fixed on Him and looking forward to what God has in store for us!

Many of you have asked when our next ultrasound is. It is a week from today, Tuesday January 27th at 4 p.m. EST. We would appreciate your prayers that day and the days leading up to that day. Asher's first birthday is quickly approaching and it is hard not to relive the memories of where we were at this time last year and not compare them with where we stand today. God continues to remind us that He is certainly doing a new thing and this little one who is dancing around inside of me is his newest gift to us. Our hearts still ache, but are filled with peace and hope.

Thank you all for loving us and for checking in. I promise I will keep you posted!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


This morning in our home we are spending time celebrating the lives of two amazing little ones. Jacob Ryan Fahmer and Mary Grace Summons. They were each born a year ago today and they are both celebrating their first birthday in Heaven.

I ask that you would pray for these families today as they celebrate the perfect gifts they were given. They miss their sweet babies but have honored their lives so beautifully. If you have not, I ask that you click on each of their names and meet these amazing little ones. They have changed the world. You will be blessed by knowing them.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Hurt People, Hurt People

'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:31

To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices." Mark 12:33

I have decided on my last post to disallow comments all together. I am so grateful that so many of you support me so much. I just felt that some of the comments were getting a little ugly toward anonymous and I want to make something clear.

When I decided to write about the comments I had received it was not in anyway because I harbor ill feelings toward these people. I guess part of what hurts me most is that I cannot respond and reach out to those who are obviously also hurting. My heart is broken because there are SO many people that hurt so much and it seems to be a vicious cycle. I don't want that cycle to continue with me.

Though the words said to me were hurtful, I could also hear the hurt behind them. I think we need to be very careful not to judge. We have no idea what hurt lurks behind those words and I am writing this post to ask all of you to join me in prayer today for those hurting hearts. Not just those who have written to me, but all hurting hearts. I also want to make it clear that I am not saying this in the "high and mighty", "I am superior" "Christian" way, I am saying it as another broken, hurting person who sometimes doesn't choose her words carefully enough either.

We need to be very careful not to be judging others. We do it so often (and when I say we, I certainly include myself.) and it is just not for us to do. We are called to love just as Christ loves us. He loves us even when we lash out at Him and hurt him and we are called to do that same thing. We are to leave the judging to him and we are just to love, we are all broken people who screw up and hurt others, none of us are blameless. So I am one broken screw-up who today will be praying for the other broken screw ups of the world, that we will end this cycle of hurting eachother.

2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Matthew 7:2-5

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Why Are ALL Hurtful Comments Anonymous?

I have for a long time debated about what to do about the random anonymous comment that I get that is obviously meant to hurt rather than help. I have tried for a while now just to delete them and not give those people a voice. I have asked several times here for you to email me if you have a question or an issue. I guess maybe I am just at a fragile point in life where I can no longer allow these things just to slide off my back. Even though I know what to be true, I find these comments nudging me and getting my attention where they should not. I have no problem with someone disagreeing with me. I would just appreciate it done in a manner that I can respond to you personally. I feel as though at this point in our lives, Satan is attacking at every angle and I refuse to allow this blog to become one of those.

I know that disallowing these comments will prevent some from commenting who truly do wish to lift me up rather than tear me down, and for those of you this applies to, I am genuinely sorry. I would ask that you shoot me an email instead at I have had to change my email as our other internet provider's email was somehow losing emails. I really need to guard my heart right now.

All of that said, there are two comments I have received in the past week or two that I feel I want to address and while I have said before that this is my blog and I do not have to defend myself, I feel the need to educate.

This one came in this evening:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "As We Wait Upon the Lord":

I'm not sure why you ask for emails because you do not respond to them and even out right ignore prayer requests. I guess it's ok to ask for prayer for your own babies and those you deem deserving.Well, every baby deserves to be prayed for if they are at risk of being very sick and possibly not making it requardless of the reasons. K

Well, K. First I am very sorry that you feel that way but I have to say that you are mistaken. I have earnestly prayed for EVERY SINGLE person who has ever come to me asking for prayer. I get dozens of emails a day and unfortunately I cannot sometimes fit it in to email each person that sends a request, but I do pray. I really do. You are right, EVERY baby deserves to be prayed for and I pray for all who ask. I am sorry you felt neglected. I wish I knew who you were, so that I could respond directly to you but sadly, this is the only way to do so because you chose to post anonymously

I hope you all know that when I ask for prayer requests and emails I do read each and every one and I pray for each of you. I do have a family though and a job so sometimes regrettably I do not get to respond personally to each one I am sorry. I am honored that so many have prayed for me and I do consider it a privilege to share in your lives and pray for you.

Comment #2

You chose to take this road so you have no right to ask for prayer. I really hope this baby is not sick so he/she does not have to suffer just because you feel the need to have more biological children.

Again, anonymous...interesting how no one ever owns up to these comments.

There are so many things to address in those two sentences, but I will keep it brief. First, I would like to say that EVERYONE has a right to ask for prayer despite who they are and how badly they screw up. I have screwed up plenty. I never came here claiming to be perfect. I am just as broken and flawed as any one of you. I am trying with everything I have in me to follow hard after the Lord, but sometimes I get off track. This pregnancy however, I do not feel is in any way one of those times, this child is a gift. God would not have given this gift if He did not intend for us to have it.

Howard and I prayed hard about how to grow this family and how we grow it is between us and God. He answered that prayer in the form of a pregnancy. I believe His Word to be true. When he tells us children are a gift from Him, he doesn't just mean whole and healthy children, he means all children, those who do not stay with us long and those who have special needs. They are each a unique gift. If God does choose for us to walk the road to loss again, we will know that He has gone before us and that though it hurts, His plans for us are good and this child is just as much a gift as any.

My desire has never been simply for "biological children". I just want Christ to be the center of my family and my life and where he leads, you better believe I will follow even if it hurts. He spoke to me through several scripture verses reminding me that I am to keep my sights set on what HE deems wise, not what the world does. I am trying hard to do just that whether it means more biological children, adopted children, foster children, or possibly even no more children at all. I am not the author of this story...He is and I love what he is writing!

Interestingly enough, it was comments like this one that made me wonder if we should ever try again to have children. And I can honestly say that God dealt with me hard on that one. He reminded me that HE is the only one I have to worry about pleasing. He often calls us to do things that the world may not understand and I knew this would be one of those times and I know you are likely not the only person who feels this way, but I am okay with that.

Ok...I have said my peace...I wasn't going to address this but figured maybe it would help people to see where I am coming from in case they aren't trying to be hurtful, they are just trying to understand...and maybe that is the here is your answer! Someone once told me that hurt people, hurt people. So true ins't it?

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

March for Babies

As most of you know, that after having Isaac we started a team for March of Babies, (at that time Walk America). Each year, like our family, our team has continued to grow and we are so excited for this year! We have been chosen as the Ambassador family, for our area for 2009 and we are hoping to grow our team even more.

We would love your help! If you can help please go to we would love to have you join us to walk, if you can just click on the join this team button on the page and fill out the registration. You do not have to live in our area to walk for our team. You can sign up where ever you are and walk there, you just have to put "Team Isaac and Asher" for your team. We will be doing t-shirts again this year so if you join the team please send me an email so I can plan for them.

If you cannot walk but can donate, you can either go to the website above to donate or click on the button on the left sidebar. If you can help by praying for our team and for the March of Dimes that would be valuable as well. We are hoping that through research, the March of Dimes will continue to minimize the number of families who have to learn to live without their babies. Thank you all so much for your help and support!

Tagged by Emily!

Ok, so I have been tagged by Emily to go to the fourth folder in my pictures and choose the fourth picture to post and explain so here it is! It is Benjamin in May of 2007 in his little train conductor outfit! Look at those CHEEKS!
So now I am supposed to tag a few other people so I am going to tag Suzie at Missing Cooper...My Journey, Devin at Our Very Full House, Ginger at Our Life in the Burgh, and anyone else who might like to join in! Can't wait to see your pics!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

As We Wait Upon the Lord

I have been thinking a lot lately about the idea of waiting. Patience, has not always, OK, ever, been my strong suit. I like to have a plan laid out before me...I do not like having to wait to see what is next. This is something that right now, I feel the Lord is really trying to change in me. He is showing me that walking by faith, means sometimes not seeing the road ahead, but forging onward anyway, because that is where He is leading.

This pregnancy is really really really showing me that I must wait upon the Lord and then take the next step. Months ago we were wondering how God would have us grow our family, we were praying about what He wanted us to do, and we found out we were expecting a baby! There is an answer! :-) Since then it has been one day at a time. I am not very good at one day at a time, but I am learning. I am learning to take each day for what it is and count my blessings. I know that for today I have a wonderful husband, two great kids on earth, two in heaven and one who is growing well inside my body. For that I will rejoice.

I do not know what tomorrow brings, and for today, I need only to think of the cares of today. After our last ultrasound it was really tough for me to walk out of that office and rejoice that for today things look great, I wanted to just tuck that away knowing that the next scan may say something completely different. But, that is not what God is calling me to do. He is calling me to rejoice in EVERY little thing, every little blessing, knowing that though I do not know what tomorrow holds, that He has walked before me and has created this path. He has plans for me and they are good. That is all I need to know.

Today as I stood in our church worship center singing "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord" tears began welling up in my eyes. Sometimes He grows our strength not by doing, but simply by waiting. "He is the everlasting God" he doesn't grow tired, but we do and so sometimes he calls us simply to wait while he acts in his time.

As I think about the knowledge I have from His word I think of all of those in the Biblical record who have been called to wait. Waiting for the Lord to act in a seemingly impossible situation is an act of faith. Waiting for the Lord to act is not easy. It is tough, but I think it is necessary to strengthen our faith. By waiting on the Lord, we are admitting that we need Him, that we need His help, and that we cannot do it on our own.

Wait for the LORD; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14

Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. Isaiah 40:31

What I find myself needing to remember is that each step of my life has been planned, all of my days have been ordained, by One who knows so much better than I, and when I fail to wait and I move forward on my own timeline, I am often setting myself back. God is calling me to humble myself, submitting to Him, admitting that His ways are better than my own and sometimes pride and impatience get in my way.

I think many times I have failed this test...I have yearned to know what is next, I have mistaken God asking me to wait, for His silence, ambivalence, or inaction. I don't see Him working so I grow impatient with his "inactivity" and I take matters into my own hands, trying to make life work on my own. This only sends me further backward. I feel like in this season of my life this is something he is really trying to cultivate in me. A patience, a humbling of myself to wait upon him however long that may take. To rejoice in today's blessings and not worry about tomorrow.

I suppose that is my New Year's resolution in a way. Just to wait. To wait upon Him, the One who knows all. The one who created me for a specific purpose, I will wait on Him so that I can be used for that purpose.

I would love to hear about times that maybe you have or haven't waited when you should have and how you may have been blessed by your waiting or set back by not waiting. You are welcome to email me at or just leave a comment!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Hope for 2009

I have been thinking all day of how to put my thoughts and feelings into words and I am afraid words cannot really do justice to the paradoxical feelings I am having as we begin 2009.

In one way I am a little sad. 2008 was Asher's year. He was born in February and his first birthday is fast approaching. He is such a blessing to us and part of me doesn't want to say goodbye to the year that we were blessed enough to meet him in. His birth date truly was the most amazing day of my life. I have never in my life SEEN the body of Christ in action as I did that day. I could physically feel the Lord's presence with us. On that day, his people, friends, family, nurses, doctors, photographers, all became His hands and feet. The love that day was unlike anything I could begin to explain. It was in so many ways a perfect day. I have to admit that my selfish human self wishes the outcome had been different, but the beauty of that day is just indescribable and it is a day I will hold dear in my heart forever and ever.

I am in awe at the love and support we have been shown in 2008. I am filled with sorrow that my boy is not here, but I am so grateful for each person who helped to carry my mat when I could move forward no further. I have been able to come to this place, my blog and be real, be honest, be me, without (much) :) judgement, even when the hurtful anonymous comments come there are dozens of uplifting encouraging ones to remind me of what it is REALLY about. Thank you all for not letting me lose sight. I am so thankful for each of you who have taken the time to get to know us, pray for us, love us.

I miss Isaac and Asher as much today as ever, but I have HOPE. My hope remains steadfast, knowing this is not the end. Sometimes it feels like the sun doesn't shine for weeks, but that hope is always there. He continues to guide us gently down this rocky path and I stand in awe at what He is doing. There is no way that I can comprehend what His plan is or why this was the best path for me, but I trust that he does. He is sovereign over all things.

As I welcome 2009, I do so with great apprehension. I have no idea what the year holds, but I know that I have hope. Today I have a sweet baby growing inside of me. I do not know what tomorrow brings, but for today I am more than rejoicing in the fact that things are going well and this little one is growing just as he/she should. 2009 will be the year that we meet this new Bolte. I am so excited to see the blessings flow from this new gift God has given us. I have an amazing husband who works so hard to be a good leader for this family. I have two boys in Heaven that I will get to hold again someday. Those two boys will never know the sorrow and pain that come with living in this broken world. I also have two boys who live in this house that fill my life with hugs and laughter, they teach me what matters and show me how to better live with a child like faith, I have an great family, the best friends a girl could ask for, and a wonderful support system here. Above all I have a Father who loves me with a passion that I cannot even begin to fathom. A Creator who I pray will use my family this year to further His Kingdom in any way he sees fit. I am blessed.

It is with a certain sadness that I say goodbye to 2008, but I do look forward to the hope of tomorrow. I know that my goodbyes are not forever and that He has blessed me beyond measure. Far more than I deserve. He continues to pour out His Grace upon me and I am excited to see what He has in store for 2009 for I know his plans for me are good because He says so!

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11