If Not Us, Then Who? If Not Now, Then When?

Over the course of the past few weeks there's been a story of a young man who's been in the foster care system his whole life swirling around the news and internet.  This fifteen year old boy stood in front of a congregation of Christians and plead for a family.  I heard the story and it wrecked my heart.  A few years ago, I went to a conference in Chicago at Willow Creek Community church and Bill Hybels spoke of finding your "Holy Discontent" and how that would set you on your mission for life.  I think I've found mine.  I hear stories of children without families and it breaks my heart into a million pieces.  I get on my knees and I pray about what more I can do to help this crisis in our world.  The statistics are staggering.

I sit and I wonder how it is possible for an orphan to walk in to a church and humble himself with such courage and walk out alone.  Now, I know that in the time since that day, THOUSANDS of families have called and inquired on this courageous young man, and I PRAY that all of those thousands of people who do not end up being the boy's family will open their minds and hearts to a different child, because the truth is there are THOUSANDS of kids out there, not unlike this young man, who want nothing more than to know the love of a family....a love that will be there forever.

I wonder about the state of the "church" when statistics say that if only 7% of Christians adopted there would be no child without a family.  If ONE family out of every THREE churches adopted there would be no crisis.  I'll be honest here.  I am struggling to understand what on earth is going on.  There are over 116,000 children in the foster care system RIGHT NOW who are available for adoption.  I cry as I type this because "Christians" all over are spewing Bible verses and taking a stand on many things...some that matter...and some that maybe don't....this matters.  The Bible MANDATES us to act.  If we claim we believe what the Bible tells us, I don't know how we can turn a blind eye any longer.  If we as His body don't act, how does that reflect on Him? 

That said, adoption isn't easy, and it isn't something all people can do, although it is awfully easy to find an excuse as to why you can't.  These kids often come with much baggage and are so challenging, I am coming off of a day full of therapist and social worker visits, tantrums and tears.  It is no joke and if your heart truly isn't in it, you shouldn't do it.  Faith requires action and sometimes that action makes life harder and makes things uncomfortable, but we aren't called to live this life for only ourselves.  God tells us that "Children are a gift".  I guess I just think it is time we start believing that and treating them as such.  They are after all our future.  They are not a nuisance to put up with for 18 years so we can then retire and travel on easy street as empty nesters.  There are REAL kids out there hurting who need a home and a family to commit to them and show them unconditional love even when they aren't loveable (and especially then).

Jesus told Peter to "feed His sheep".  He didn't tell him to go out and crusade for and against all of the causes we seem to be crusading for and against.  He merely said, "Feed my sheep.".  I pray each day about what else we can DO, and currently most of our family doesn't understand why we'd "make life so much harder for ourselves by taking these kids in" but the truth is...while it is exponentially harder, it is also exponentially better.  Living in His will, and being His hands and feet are a privilege we can ALL enjoy....right now the harvest is great and the workers are few...I'd invite you to pray about how you can act.  Maybe you truly just are not in a place where you could foster or adopt, maybe you are, either way there is SOMETHING you can do.  Foster and adoptive families don't always receive overwhelming support, so if you can't foster or adopt, maybe offer to come along side a family who is, this is hard work, and we all could use a helping hand.  Maybe offer to do respite or babysit, cook, deliver some groceries,clean or fold laundry, even just delivering coffee to a weary mom does wonders.

Would you join me in praying for these children all over the world currently living without a forever family.  The truth is, the answer isn't just adoption.  Adoption happens as a result of a lot of other brokenness.  Adoption is a necessary thing but it is far from ideal.  Ideally kids would live forever with their first family.  So maybe your place is coming alongside a struggling family and helping them do just that!

I surely don't have it all figured out and I can certainly do more myself.  But we've got to act now.  Each day these kids spend feeling unloved and unwanted wounds them further.  Every kid deserves to know the love of a family.

Ten Things I've Learned in Ten Years of Parenting

Luke turned ten in August.  Ten years ago, I was a 24 year old new mom who had it all figured out.  Funny.  Ten years in.  I have it less figured out that a decade ago.  As I sat and reflected over my decade of parenting, here are a few things I've learned about being a parent.

1.  All of that "stuff" you get for your first baby, most of it...isn't really helpful and is completely unnecessary.  Aside from a good carseat, some clothes, a crib (not even that for a while for us)  some diapers, and a good baby carrier, all that fancy stuff you somehow think you NEED just weighs you down.  We went ALL out for Luke, had to have EVERYTHING and have slowly learned...less truly is more.  Baby stuff quickly can take up a whole house if you let it.

2.   Baby carriers are a gift from God.  My personal favorite is the Ergo.  I can wear two at a time, donning both babies and still take the older three out for a field trip.  I can also get housework done and grocery shop more efficiently if the babies are close by and don't need to seek my attention.  Keep them close, you can't spoil them.  You'll never be sorry for holding them too much.

3. Our kids are ALWAYS listening.  Even when we think they aren't, they really are absorbing everything, our words our attitudes and our demeanor, there has been  nothing more humbling for me than parenting.  Sometimes it is like looking directly in a mirror and sometimes the image isn't pretty.

4.  Development and milestones are not a race.  Every child truly does develop and learn on their own timeline and it doesn't do any good to compare children.  We need to just let them enjoy being kids and not push our own agenda on them...childhood is supposed to be fun, we need to relax and let it be so.

5.  No matter what parenting choice I make, someone will disagree and that is okay.  Just as all children are different, so are all parents.  We all need to truly judge less and go with what works for our own family.

6.  You can't be a good parent and a lousy spouse.  When I slack off and don't pour into my marriage, it directly affects the kids.  It is true that one of the best gifts we can give our kids is a healthy relationship with their other parent.  We model for them what a relationship should look like and that is more powerful than we give it credit for.

7.  Always stop and try to see the big picture.  In a chaotic moment, things might seem like the whole world is ending, I set a timer for 20 minutes and just endure in the moment and typically 20 minutes out, I can laugh, breathe and see that in the grand scheme of things that hard moment is just a moment and I am able to see the long view and show compassion and let go of anger and frustration.

8.  My house will never be as clean as I'd like it to be and it has to be okay.  A fellow foster parent shared her motto with me, "Trading sanity for love every day" and somedays that is how it feels for me as I do like order and a clean house, but in the grand scheme, the fact that we get to play a key part in helping to shape little people and love them is far more important than a house that looks like it belongs in Better Homes and Gardens.

9.  Trust myself and trust God.  Every one wants to chime in and give advice to a struggling parent, but the truth of the matter is that there is no one right way to do any of this.  We all just have to wade through and find what works best.  We know our own kids and we know what works for them.  I often feel like I must be screwing my kids up forever, but the truth is that we make mistakes, I make a LOT of them and what is important is how we deal with those mistakes and move forward.

10.  The biggest thing I've learned, that I am JUST realizing this year, is that God didn't give me kids because he wanted me to perfect them and make them better.  He gave me kids because they are a gift.  He is using them to perfect ME and make me better.  They are a gift to me, and it isn't my job to fix them.  It is my job to allow them to mold me and make me more Christlike. My kids have taught me SO much.

Okay, I had to edit to add number 11 because it really has been life changing for me:

11.  NEVER, EVER look at the clock in the middle of the night when up with a restless child.  Keeping score and adding up lost sleep is NEVER helpful.  You can't get it back and there is nothing you can do about it, keeping tally of lost sleep won't bring it back, it just causes anxiety, you can't fret over what cannot be changed...one day we shall sleep again, right?


Above all, I have learned that these precious ones are truly His children, and each day I need to pray and hand them back over to Him.  He gives the grace for each moment, even the really ugly ones if only we'll receive it, and our kids deserve for us to extend that grace on to them.  Kids will be kids and we should expect that.  I will probably never have this all figured out as I once thought I did.  You can read every parenting book on Earth and still not have a clue.  I've read most of them and I can finally admit, I don't have it all figured out, but I sure do trust the One who does. 

What are some things you've learned since becoming a parent?

Just Another Day in Paradise

So, reality is that with five children some days are better than others. Most days have their intense moments, and I have learned to just breathe and buckle down and get it done. Today...well...today is one for the books...so here's hoping that I read this one day and laugh.

After going to bed just after an argument with my dear husband over Fisher Price Little People (yes, you read that right). I was grateful for a new morning and a fresh start. I woke about two hours before the kids to get some chores done because today was a Occupational Therapy AND Physical Therapy day for our foster girl. (Trying to entertain four other children while giving my attention to baby girl and her therapist so that I can help her with exercises the rest of the week, makes me break into a sweat 24 hours in advance and have a bottle of wine chilled and ready to go.)

I digress. I went downstairs to toss a load of laundry in and stepped on about twenty pieces of glass...er...I mean LEGOS on the way while carrying a grossly overstuffed hamper of dirty laundry. I started the laundry and headed back upstairs to mop, get breakfast started and get dressed, and as I brushed my teeth, Jacob began to wail. Freshly dressed I picked him right up for a morning snuggle only to find that his diaper had malfunctioned and he was DRIPPING wet. Awesome. Got him changed, changed my clothes again, stripped his bed and got him in his high chair...at which point all other little Bolte children begin to emerge wanting breakfast.

Making toast for five kids with a two slice toaster (because I refuse to buy a new one because ours still works, it is THIRTEEN years old...it has to give up someday, right?) takes me, well...until lunch. ;) SO I sent Ben outside to dump the compost and grab the mail I'd forgotten to get yesterday.

He bounces in the front door with a jar of bugs with holes poked in the top, Ben is the bug whisperer so this was nothing new. In the jar he proudly announced were not one, not two, but THREE "snowy white crickets" he'd found in his journey to the mailbox! He deemed it the best day EVER as he proudly showed them to each of the other kids. I continued to bustle around trying to get everyone fed and asked Ben to please pour his cereal.

He set the jar down. A baby child, who will remain nameless...picked the jar up.  The lid was not properly screwed on the jar, and a wild cricket chase ensued.  Said, baby, won the wild cricket chase and well...crickets ARE a delicacy in some areas of the world so I'd say this baby was simply broadening his/her horizons.

Ben sobbed, mourning the loss of ONE cricket...the other two remained in the jar...I am guessing they saw the toddlers and decided to cut their losses and stay put.  I comforted Ben, we got the lid on the jar and took the crickets to the porch for safety.  When I turned back around Jacob had removed his diaper, and proceeded to pee all over the floor I woke up early and mopped.  I grabbed him and ran to get a towel.  I was not fast enough because in a split second baby number two found the pee pool and decided to have  some fun splashing in it.

Both babies make their way to the tub, babies washed, diapered and dressed.  I remind myself to breathe.  I actually set a timer from the moment of the cricket escape.  This is my coping skill.  I set a timer for 20 minutes because what seems like it must be the Bolte Apocalypse  happens daily, and while it seems like I am in it forever, in twenty minutes, typically life looks different and things aren't so chaotic.  It helps me focus, not become overwhelmed and just buckle down.  So I am in full buckle down mode.

Therapist number one is due at any moment. I still need to get tonight's pot roast into the crockpot so it is done in time for the boys to eat before heading to our local fair to enter their prized projects. I put the babies down to play and frantically search for the aforementioned Fisher Price Little People for baby girl's therapy session.  I hear a crash.  I turn and Ben has dropped his bowl of cereal, creating an organic O's BOMB all over the table, floor, sliding glass door and stainless appliances.  The timer begins to beep.  I sit down on the floor in the cereal carnage and begin to weep.  Ben sees my distress and brings me a tissue.  I look up and he says, "Mom, don't cry over spilled milk".  We all laugh and there is a knock at the door.  I wish it were a therapist for me.  I still can't find those darn Little People.

The moral of the story:  Don't cry over spilled milk, but it is PERFECTLY acceptable to cry over an ingested cricket friend.  :)

It Matters.

Tonight we celebrated our sweet foster daughter's first birthday. Sometimes the lack of support for our decision to foster children still catches me off guard and sucks the wind right out of my sails.

Tonight I am reminded of those who were there, and who are there. Those who make our kids a priority, all of them...treating each kid the same whether biological or not. I watched a few of my dear friends love and hold that one year old princess and I was reminded not to let those who just don't "get it" to make me overshadow those who are embracing it with us.

This fostering thing, it is hard, it is a roller coaster of emotion and activity. Appointments are many and downtime is scarce. I watched as a few close friends and family watched that sweet beauty light up as she opened gifts and was overwhelmed with gratitude that they chose HER today. They made her a priority and they celebrated the gift that she is with us and while my heart was heavy that a few immediate family members made a different decision, I know it is more important to focus on those who chose her.

We choose her. We love her as our very own, not knowing if she is here forever or just a few more months, we put our hearts on the line and though we've chosen this, our family and friends haven't. So, when a friend or family member goes out of their way to show love to her, we notice. We notice every effort made to come alongside us in this battle. We feel every prayer and appreciate each sweet gift.

When we see others loving her with abandon the way we do, it makes my heart soar. The fact that a friend calls to check in or stops by to visit knowing the enormous amount of effort it takes for me to get this brood out of the house, helping me feel not so alone, it doesn't go buy unnoticed. I don't send the thank you cards I once did, as I can barely find time to pee. But in case you ever wonder if I notice the little acts of kindness, the gifts of love or the loving support and prayer...make no mistake...I do! I notice and it matters more than you could ever know.

A New "School" Year

It seems the world is all back in the back to school frenzy. After a summer of day trips and playgrounds, creek walks and fun everyone is school shopping and buying new clothes, books, pencils, backpacks, lunchboxes etc. The first year we chose to homeschool, I remember feeling a little nostalgic as everyone else was posting back to school pictures on Facebook. This year, I am also overwhelmed with feelings, but they sure are different feelings. While truth be told there ARE days where I wish I could just get a break and send the bigger ones off on the bus, I am SO grateful I have the choice to opt out of that scene.

I am so glad that every family gets the chance to make the choice of what works best for THEM. I don't think there is a one sized fits all answer for all families and all kids. I think there are great schools out there, and amazing teachers who are striving to teach outside of the box (Howard is one of them, though I might be biased). There may come a day where school works best for our family, but for now...I am grateful that we don't HAVE to subscribe to sending them to school every day.

I cannot count how many times people ask about our family and comment on how busy things must be and then they find out we "school" our kids at home and they make comments like, "I don't know how you do it!" or "You must be so patient", and the truth is...it just fits for us...it works and I am NOT SO patient, but God sure does provide me A LOT of opportunities to practice that skill each day. :)

For us, I am glad that as everyone goes back to school, we will get full run of the zoo, children's museum, science museums and playgrounds again, I am glad that we can live at a pace that works for us and incorporate learning into our activities all day long. For us a new "school year" never really starts because the previous one never really ended. We are learning all day every day and following the kids interests and we are astounded at how they are growing and thriving. Learning and living are one in the same and we've seen the kids just take off learning things they are excited about and that they likely wouldn't be necessarily learning in a classroom that is confined to teaching standardized test material.

It has taken us a few years and a lot of mistakes and trying to recreate school at home to realize, that I don't need to spend hundreds of dollars on curriculum and materials, letting a kid loose at the library has proven to be much more lucrative for us although, I also have learned to set aside a little money in the budget for the fees that often follow a trip to the library. Learning to trust these kids to KNOW what they want to learn and trust the process that they will WANT to be educated when it is made relevant to them has not been easy for me and sometimes I still struggle, but last year instead of spending a fortune on curriculum, I set aside some money for daytrips and projects and both Luke, Ben and even Hope went so far above and beyond my expectations that I just couldn't argue with the process.

“True learning -learning that is permanent and useful, that leads to intelligent action and further learning, can arise only out of the experience, interest, and concerns of the learner” ~John Holt

I feel like we are intentionally preparing our kids for real life. Learning isn't just for certain hours and certain days of the week here...we find teachable moments all day long every single day and it is a fit for us. As we begin our fall and Howard goes back to school, and tries to inspire and make a difference, I get to do the same for my own kids and I am grateful. I am grateful that I have that choice, and I am grateful that for those families who school is a fit for, get that choice. There ARE great schools out there, great teachers, and I am sure many great parents who supplement those schools and help their children learn and discover in their time out of school. There is no perfect situation, I am just super grateful we found what works for us right now.

Adoption: One Year Out

A year ago August 3rd, our adoption of Jacob was finalized. Little did I know this was just the beginning. I think I went into adoption thinking that it was the fairy tale that it looked to be. I was a bit naive and that might be an okay thing. I remember reading this blog from Jen Hatmaker and I can tell you that I referenced it more times than I can count in this past year. This year has, even with all we've been through been one of the hardest yet.

I am going to be real with you here.  We brought Jacob home and I was so happy to have him here and for us to be a big happy family, and for the first few weeks it was just that...but as reality set in I found myself disillusioned.  I expected to love him so fiercely in an instant, the way I did my biological kids...the trouble is...in adoption, biology isn't on your side...there are no post pregnancy hormone surges to keep you euphoric and adoring as this child wakes up incessantly at night as he is only used to hospital noises.  For me, bonding did not happen immediately and it made me feel like a horrible person.  I was honest with our social worker that visited and she kept reassuring me that what I was feeling was normal and to just give it more time...that bonding takes time in adoption.

I'd read so many "Hallmark" stories of adoption and love at first sight, and that might be reality for some, but it wasn't for me.  I kept going back to Jen's blog to remind myself to put those feelings on the back burner and just let my hands care for this boy, I had to constantly remind myself that he was NOT in fact a tiny terrorist who'd come from Arizona to make my life miserable, but that he was a sweet gift of God who'd endured more than a baby ever should and that he needed to be held and loved and to learn to enjoy those things.

Each time he'd push me away, my heart would sink, I had figured that adopting him at three months was still early enough to bypass any grief issues or attachment problems...and I was wrong.  Adoption is NOT the natural way of things.  It is necessary BECAUSE of the brokenness of this world so to disillusion ourselves into believing it is a happy fairy tale doesn't do any one any good.  It is hard, it is heart wrenching, exhausting work.  It is worth every tear and every heartbreak.  Each time we lay ourselves down and allow ourselves to be His hands and feet to one of his children, he blesses us...boy has he blessed us.

It seemed like the more love I tried to lavish upon him, the more he resisted me.  It almost felt personal...he had more issues with me than anyone and I was the one who came to the hospital and got him...oh WAIT, I was the one who went to the hospital and took him from all he knew.  We sometimes think that because babies are so tiny, they are just resilient and can move beyond early hardship unscathed, the trouble is...those first weeks and months are key to development...they set the stage so to speak, and what we were missing was that we needed acknowledge that so that Jacob could move forward.  He'd missed out on all of those early snuggles and cuddles and he didn't know how to receive them...his normal changed in an instant and he was and is grieving.  

I have never lived life feeling so isolated, exhausted and overwhelmed...I have never had so many people in and out of our home on a regular basis watching us under a microscope to be sure we are thriving as a family.  I wasn't prepared for trying to learn to juggle biological family along with all of this or for sorting out what exactly is best for Jacob in that arena.   I read "The Connected Child" by Dr. Purvis and everything began to click.  Jacob wasn't showing a stubborn and tantrum throwing terrorist personality.  Jacob was simply using the coping skills he'd developed on his own.  Slowly we've begun to see our boy in a different light, we'd not given enough credit to the trauma he'd suffered.

Truthfully I say all of this and it has been intensely hard for us, but the hardship on our part isn't even a fraction of the hardship and loss on Jacob's part and once we really acknowledged that and educated ourselves on how to parent him, things have taken off at light speed in a much better direction.  We all know that each of our children need different things from us as parents and for Jacob, his needs are far different than the needs of our oldest three.

Parenting Jacob has been humbling, I've had to re examine all of my parenting techniques and all I thought I knew about child rearing and really come at it from a different angle.  I am beaming as I tell you that today my aunt watched Jacob for about an hour for us and when I walked back in he ran to me with his arms wide open and it might just have been the best feeling I've ever felt.  It was genuine.  He is my son and I am his mom, and it has taken time for us to fall in love with each other and I am head over heels.

Adoption has been hard, I am being authentic here, there are a lot of messy and hard things that no one tells you.  It has caused me to really make some much needed changes and examine my relationship with my kids, my husband and our God.  There were times in this past year that I wasn't sure I could put my feet on the floor and do this another morning, but one foot in front of the other, we did it.  Jacob is blossoming and he is TOTALLY a beloved member of this family!  He is the sweetest, funniest and most adorable curly haired little guy you can imagine and we are AMAZINGLY blessed to get to be his family.

I read this quote on a blog today and found it to ring SO very true in my heart...the bittersweet that is adoption is summed up right here...

"Adoption is an imperfect answer to an impossible question. I happen to wish that all Babies could be raised by their first mothers & fathers, the people who brought them into this world, the people whose blood history they share. But we don’t live in a world where “shoulds” always happen. Life is messy and painful, life includes loss and heartache. And so adoption exists.
And make no mistake I believe adoption is absolutely beautiful. I believe my family, built on adoption, is beautiful. It is the family I always wanted. It is the only family I wanted.  But I am very aware that I am the one in this adoption triad (the first parents, the child, the adoptive parents) who suffered the least loss to get to this place, to be part of this family. I am “the lucky” one."



Adoption is crazy hard and crazy beautiful and it has changed my life.  It has made me a more understanding, more patient, more compassionate person.  It has helped me to understand God's relationship with us in ways I never imagined.  Jacob was hand chosen for our family and I am so excited to see more of his sweet and spunky personality blossom in the coming years.  It has been hard for me to look at him and rejoice that he is my son when I know his first mom hurts and misses him.  I pray for her daily and I love her more than she'll ever know. I hurt for her but Jacob NEEDS me to rejoice for him...he DESERVES to have a mommy who rejoices for the gift that he is and rejoice I will!

If you are out there and you are in your first year and you are exhausted and overwhelmed, misunderstood and at the end of your rope...I urge you to keep hanging on because the miracle follows the hardship...I look back and see how far we've come and I am just so humbled that God has chosen to use us at all. It may not be a fairy tale, but there is HOPE!   I encourage you to seek out an attachment counselor and read "The Connected Child".  If I had to do it all over again, would I?  Well stay tuned...round two has already begun.  :)

His grace IS enough.

Eight Years in Heaven

I Will Carry You

This video is how we ended this day...a day of sorrow, and joy, of grace and forgiveness, of confusion and peace.  Eight years out it seems like it should be an easier day to navigate and yet I still struggle like I did the first year.  It is tough not to allow your mind to walk through every single moment of a day that changed EVERYTHING.

On this day eight years ago, we packed our lunches dropped Luke off with his grandparents and headed to the hospital to see our sweet Isaac.  He'd been doing well and though we knew the future didn't look like it would be a long one for him we knew God knew better than we did and we wanted to soak him up.  Tired and apprehensive about another full day in the NICU, I decided to take a tape recorder along and read children's books into it so that when we came home that night to put Luke to bed, Isaac could still hear my voice.  It always seemed to soothe him. 

Little did I know that he'd never hear those recordings, and that the end part of my reading "I'll Love You Forever" would be the way the memorial service would end the following week.  We showed up and knew in an instant things had taken a turn.  It all happened so fast...there were tears and vomit (mine) and sweet amazing nurses and gut wrenching agony...it was eight years ago and yet it seems like yesterday.

It hurts...boy does it still hurt, yet eight years out I can tell you while the pain is still there...we look back and see so much purpose to that child's life.  He has accomplished great things on this earth even though he was only here six days.  I am so very grateful God chose me to be his mama.  Days like today make me ever so homesick...but I can grieve and cry out to a God who knows...who cares, who holds my every tear in His mighty hand and will some day make it all right.  It IS well with my soul. 

Yet this morning, I got out of bed, determined to live this day to the fullest and was kind of sideswiped when I learned that my grandfather was in the hospital.  He's 86.  He had suffered some heart trouble and had a procedure done and was having a tough time.  Of course when I asked what hospital he was in and I was told the VERY hospital my son had died in eight years ago...I felt anxiety set in.

I prayed and prayed about what I should do.  Ultimately I knew the only way I'd have peace would be if I went in to see my grandpa.  I parked in that garage and as I approached that familiar building I thought I might turn and run.  As I entered the rotating doors, I watched as families loaded their newborns into the car, and I felt like I couldn't breathe.  I walked to the desk and asked for his room number and had to truly fight the urge to RUN, the memories washed over me like a flood and I was losing my grip.

I made a quick trip to the restroom before boarding that elevator.  I took a deep breath and I prayed, I prayed for grace and for strength and for peace.  I prayed and I took another breath, and I walked through those elevator doors...

And you know what?  It was good.  I got to see family and I had a great visit with my grandpa and He granted me the grace and the strength and the peace...all of them...for each moment as they were needed.  Tears flowed and laughter erupted and it was a great visit.

I got home and we had a nice family dinner and headed to the beach to light Chinese lanterns and tears are still flowing, but there is peace and there is joy and there is grace...and it is well...it is well with my soul. 

He'd Be Eight

Eight years ago we were BLESSED to meet our second son. The day was a swirling whirlwind and I so wish I could have a do over and soak in every single moment, eight years out I am still terrified of forgetting...forgetting what his little face looked like, how his body would just relax when in my arms and the little squeaks and sounds he made. I sit here and can't help but wonder what 8 year old Isaac would be like. What would his interests be, what would he choose to do for his birthday week celebration?

It still stings...two years shy of a decade out and the tears still fall as we struggle to find a way to celebrate the gift we were given in July of 2005. He deserves to be celebrated, yet celebrating a child who is in Heaven is tough. Each year has gotten a little easier as I remind myself that there is no rulebook for this...there is no right or wrong, and that we just have to do what we think will honor him best. We typically do something to serve others and then release balloons and have cake. The kids look forward to Isaac and Asher's birthdates because we have a family fun day...and while it is bittersweet, I am so grateful it is an event the kids all look forward to.

I am so grateful for all that God has done in our lives since he blessed us with Isaac. We are changed people and the blessing Isaac is overwhelms me. So this July 14th, we will try to honor him the best we can, knowing the gift he continues to be far outweighs anything we are capable of. The hurt is still there but the gratitude continues to grow and take just a bit of the edge off of that intense heartache...as we celebrate another year we are grateful, grateful that though our hearts still ache like crazy, we have been blessed and we continue to see beauty coming from the ashes. Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing...it still takes my breath away that God chose US for this sweet boy...

I desperately wish I could look into my 8 year old's eyes and tell him how he has blessed this family and how much I love him...my heart will ache, but I take comfort in knowing that one day...I will get to do JUST THAT.

It's Not What You Might Think

I have had a couple of people ask me recently, what the hardest part of fostering is, what my advice would be for those who are considering it and just my overall impression. I wasn't sure how to answer any of these questions and found myself really pouring over them in the past few days.

As for the hardest part of fostering, strangely, it isn't what you might think, in fact it isn't what I would have thought prior to my experience, and it is likely different for all foster parents. Initially I really prepared myself for trying to love children who were mine for just a time, and who would likely spend their forever elsewhere. I prayed hard for God to give me the courage and strength to love them with all I had and let go when He decided. The thing is...that part, the part I thought would be the part that would make me want to throw in the towel and quit, isn't the hardest part...in fact it is kind of the best part.

I am not going to tell you it is EASY, but truthfully I have never felt so called to something, I have never felt so HONORED to be used by God as when I am rocking a sweet baby HE placed here as a safe place in the middle of the night...it is sacred and heartbreaking and so humbling. The loving them part is easy, and the letting go...tough but sacred in its own right. 

Our current foster daughter has been here for nine months now. Loving her has been so easy from the get go. She is the most content, happy and easy going baby I have EVER had the pleasure of mothering. Her smile engulfs her entire face and she lights up a room in an instant. She belly laughs more than she cries and is the cutest little thing ever, her blue eyes see right into your soul and you can't help but want to be better when she is around.  EVERYONE loves her. She is a delight and we are so very honored to have had her this long.

I won't lie and say it hasn't been hard loving her and knowing her situation. I pray for her mother every single day and have rooted for her all along. I'd love nothing more than to see a fairy tale ending to this story, it rips my heart out knowing that her mom misses her every single night and that she struggles so.

 Seeing the brokenness of the world right up close in your own living room is something you don't recover from.  You are changed...addiction, poverty, abuse, all become real and living beings with a face, we prayed for Him to break our hearts for what breaks His and boy did he ever.  We have struggled because it sometimes all threatens to overwhelm, but He reminds us...HE is the healer, and that love covers a multitude of sins...so we hug and we pray and we do all that we can do because becoming overwhelmed and doing nothing...well...that won't help anyone.

Managing five kids is hard, two babies is harder than I've ever dreamed, but we've hit our groove and we make it work. I watch the older kids, even Jacob love on her and my heart swells. I remind myself daily of how God is honoring our obedience and that while society might tell us we are taking away from our biological kids, I can see beyond a shadow of a doubt that HE is giving them more than we ever could through this experience...they are learning to love, even when it is hard, and they amaze me every single day.

So, you ready for the hard part? It is going to sound trite and selfish and insignificant...but...it is the appointments! HOLY MOLY...NO ONE in classes prepares you for all of the ever loving appointments. I mean they teach you how to look for signs of abuse, how to follow all of the guidelines and stay within your rights as a foster parent, how to keep the kids safe, etc, but Feeding Therapy and Speech Therapy, and Occupational Therapy, and Physical Therapy, and GOOD GRIEF I NEED THERAPY. ;) I am a girl who loves to have an open calendar...I love to head for the beach when it calls and have an impromptu road trip or zoo day when the mood strikes and good gracious, that is no longer an option. In addition to therapies, there are doctors and specialists and social workers and birth parent visits and child profile visits and oh my goodness this 10 month old has a fuller calendar than a NY Socialite!

The hardest thing for me has been trying to find balance...trying to set boundaries and guard my own family time and still make all of those appointments work...we are learning to write in family days first and to occasionally be honest and say we need a day off.

My advice to foster parents is to set boundaries and to work on NOT being a YES person all the time. My people pleasing ways are getting worked out of me as I learn I just cannot make everyone happy so ultimately I need to seek Him first and make decisions that honor Him and are best for my family.

Overall, for us fostering has been a great experience. Our first few kids were tough because they were all here for just a few weeks or less and so once we got into a groove they went home or to a situation that was best for them, we've now had a longer term placement and have seen both ends...fostering is hard...don't get me wrong...it is tough to be expected to raise a child that isn't legally your own, as your own, except without all the rights...just the responsibilities, but it has been such a sacred honor to love His children and to be His hands and feet to them. To love with the love every child deserves from a parent. While letting go is tough, we've learned even with our own children that sometimes He calls us to love with all we have and let go and while it is heart shattering work, it is His work and it is what we are called to do...parenting is hard work...foster parenting...is also HARD work...but most things worth doing are! The system has flaws and there are frustrating aspects, but we can't let ourselves get caught up there...He says to love His children and to feed his sheep.  The work is hard, but I've got to say knowing we are doing just what He has called us to and seeing him provide for our EVERY need has been simply amazing.

I can't help but think that Isaac and Asher made this difference in us, they helped us see that we can't live life for only ourselves and we have to love with a reckless abandon without fear of having to let go, it is that kind of love that makes this life worth living...the heartache, it hurts, but it is truly better to love and let go than not to love.  I am so grateful for those boys and all of the work they've done here on earth despite their short time here...I am just overwhelmed still that God chose us to be the parents who got to be theirs! 

Foster parents out there, what do YOU think is the hardest part of fostering?  What would your advice be to those considering fostering?


He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young. Isaiah 40:10

Sing A New Song

May has been a whirlwind month thus far in our crazy household, between social worker visits, baseball, therapies for both babies, doctor visits, baseball, specialist visits, sickness, baseball, daily household chores, school, baseball, (did I mention baseball?), we have been going nonstop. It has been hard. The kids have been wired, they are ready to be all done with school and outside, the babies are growing and into everything and well, life with a 9 year old a 6 year old, 3 year old, 15 month old, and 8 month old is shall we say, BUSY.

Most days I barely have time to shower or pee let alone anything else. I am a person who likes to have unscheduled time to just go with the flow and enjoy life with my family and this month I have something and most days multiple things written on every single date on the calendar. There are times where I feel like it is suffocating me. Foster care has stirred my heart in a way I didn't see coming and my intimate knowledge of the brokenness of the world some days threatens to consume me. A couple of days ago I had a day where I was pretty sure it would end with me in a straight jacket in a mental hospital somewhere.

It was nine AM on Monday, and despite my every effort I have yet to become a morning person. I had already fished an entire roll of toilet paper out of the toilet, changed four diapers, changed the sheets on a bed where someone had an accident, fished a barbie out of a different toilet, hung laundry on the line, burned breakfast, put dinner in the crockpot, swept floors, wiped tears, wiped three different behinds, text messaged with two bio moms, and it was almost time for a meeting to discuss some speech and communication issues that Jacob is having. I could feel my heart racing and I was grasping for some assemblance of sanity. I sat down to spoonfeed the tiniest mouth (that doesn't really care to be fed, resulting in me wearing more of the food than she eats).

I could feel every muscle in my body tense as Hope proceeded with her incessant demands and the boys began to bicker, Jake found himself atop the table next to the couch and was ready to toss the lamp we got for our wedding to the floor. Many friends and family members that week had taken the liberty of expressing their lack of understanding for why we'd take on kids that are "not our problem" and it had been weighing on my heart all week. As much as I try not to be a people pleaser, a running commentary was playing in my mind: "It is too much for you Kristy, take it easy for once", "Don't you think life would be easier if you sent the boys to school?" "You've already adopted one child, why even consider adopting another there are far too many families out there who'd just like one kid, you've done your part", "Finances will be too tight", and the list goes on. They'd been playing in my head all week, stealing my joy and robbing my kids of the mom they deserved. Doubt set in and I wondered if it all WAS too much, if it WASN'T time to take it easy for a while.

I sunscreened the older three and sent them to play in the sandbox, got Jacob settled with a basket of books to throw, and turned the TV to Pandora while I sat down to feed baby girl. One spoon of food in, one spoon of food sprayed across my once clean shirt, hearing the doctor's words of, "Adding feeding therapy, Shriner's Hospital, Pittsburgh Children's Hospital for feeding evaluation" all came to mind. I began to tear up and then...I heard a familiar tune. God was about to use Pandora to get my attention and change the course of that day and the days to come.

I breathed in the music as it played and through tightly pursed lips I began to sing, "Everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing, let mercy fall on me..." I breathed deep and felt Him begin to fill me up, tears began to brim over..." Jeremy Camp's voice flooded my home as God bathed us in a mercy that was tangible. I sang louder and louder and the tears streamed down my face..."Saviour, He can move the mountains,My God is Mighty to save, He is Mighty to save." The words rang so true that peace came over me like I hadn't felt in days. I'd been so busy I'd been neglecting the ONE who could move the mountains and make it all possible. My priorities out of whack, I don't think I'd taken a moment to worship or sing in forever, my heart was parched and dry and seeking acceptance...trouble was...it wasn't HIS acceptance I'd been seeking.

"So take me as You find me,All my fears and failures,Fill my life again. I give my life to follow everything I believe in,now I surrender." I meant every single word as I sang...it was the most heartfelt worship I'd had maybe since, standing in church and forcing a weak voice through pursed lips as I sang "He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away...my heart will choose to say blessed be Your name" at Asher's memorial service. I am ashamed to say I'd forgotten the power of letting the words wash over me and just offering Him my whole heart and allowing Him to transform it.

I won't tell you that my life suddenly got easier that moment, but the peace I'd been missing was returned. My heart was full and His grace and mercy were so very evident. Perspective came, and I was reminded to find joy in the hard stuff, eucharisteo where to others it may not make sense. I know unequivocally that I am where God has placed me. Each of these children in my home are GIFTS, not burdens, GIFTS and it is an honor to love and serve them...and it is hard, and I am tired and sometimes I just want to hide away, but the truth is He has called me to this. I get to be the mom to two sweet boys and heaven, three boys and two girls HERE today, right now.

To many in today's world of American Dream Mentality, five kids, homeschooling, adoption, foster care, and self denial seems like an awful fate. I can tell you without a single doubt that it is anything but awful. It is such an honor that it brings tears to my eyes. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but today...in this moment, He is choosing to use ME, broken, selfish and imperfect ME. I am only one person and when I begin to look too far down the road I become so overwhelmed that the anxiety sets in...but each day...he is reminding me...moment by moment, grace for each one and not a moment too soon...like manna from Heaven, He is there, we start with just loving His children, and he blesses beyond what makes sense. He grants us the patience, the love, the resources, the finances when the need arises and he guides our path as we allow our hearts to be broken for what breaks His and as we make a feeble attempt to be His hands and feet.

It is too much, it is hard, and it is much much more than I can handle...this life...it just is...but not for my God...no...He can move mountains...I have seen Him do it...he IS mighty to save. I am so grateful for this reminder...brought to me by Pandora...there really is something to the "make a joyful noise" business. ;)

Sing a new song to the LORD! Let the whole earth sing to the LORD! Psalm 96:1