Better is One Handful

Ecclesiastes 4:6 says, "Better is one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind."

Time is such a commodity in today's world.  It is something we seldom find we have enough of.  I feel like God has taught me a huge lesson in the past weeks.  I find that whatever God has for me to do...he also gives me the time and resources for...even when it doesn't make much sense.  The truth is God gives us enough time...but most of us, myself FOR SURE included, squanders it.  We waste it on things that just don't matter and then hurry like crazy to accomplish anything.  We make time for what matters most.  When I sat down and thought about where the largest parts of my time were spent...I found that I had some work to do.

Sometimes, I feel like I am literally chasing the wind...looking so forward to what God has next for me that I often lose sight of what he has placed directly in front of me.  God keeps bringing the above verse to my mind and I am certain it is not coincidence.  I am a "do-er", when I don't know what else to do I just busy myself.

As I reflected on the seven years since we've held Isaac, I have thought a lot about what matters...and for that matter...what doesn't.  In the name of grief I have spent a great deal of time on things that don't really matter, just busying myself to numb the pain, as time has gone on, I have learned to recognize when I have slipped myself into "autopilot" and have had to work hard to walk through the pain and continue to focus on the blessings directly in front of me.

I am so grateful that I have four amazing children here on earth and two waiting in Heaven.  They are such gifts that the Lord has used in miraculous ways in my life to shape and form me into the person I am.  My goal is to fill one hand with what matters...and have tranquility, and a free hand to help others up than to grasp frantically with two hands to things that just don't matter.  Better is ONE handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind.  If you always have two handfuls you never have a free hand to lend.

In the grand scheme of things, we spend so much time in our brief lives on things that just don't matter, chasing after big careers, money, material possessions...it is the American way.  Trouble is...it will never bring peace or tranquility...just toil and chasing after the wind...it will never be enough.  At some point we all have to stop...refocus and decide what REALLY matters, in the end for me, I have found that to be my relationship with God, my family, relationships and serving others.

While my heart aches and longs to hold Isaac and Asher, I am overwhelmingly grateful for their impact on my lives.  I am so blessed that God chose me to be their mother.  EACH of my six children has brought so much to my life and continue to do so and one of the biggest has been putting things into perspective.  I GET to be a mom.  I GET to be a wife, and a daughter, and a friend.  Those things matter.  Those things deserve my time.  So I sure do have one hand overwhelmingly full sometimes, but I am beyond grateful for the tranquility that has come from Him alone.  Seven years out, I can tell you that it still hurts like crazy, but it is well.

I am so grateful for my handful...and I wouldn't trade it for two or three or four because His peace and tranquility are so much better than ANY American Dream or anything I could ever imagine.  The world might say that being a stay at home mom and wife don't matter...that my time would be better spent earning more money and making our lives more comfortable...but I am grateful that my value doesn't come from the world...it comes from Him, and I know I am doing what He has called me to and I am just thankful to have the opportunity to do it!

It is time to take a breath, rest in Him, and just trust, stop waiting for the other shoe to drop or the next tragedy around the bend...it is time to abide in Him and enjoy my handful, knowing that whatever lies ahead He has gone before me and already worked it out.  This school year we will be embarking on some student led learning...I will be focusing this year on ENJOYING my amazing kids and exploring our world with them and I just couldn't be more excited about that!

Seven Years

Seven years ago...our sweet second son was born.  I will be forever grateful for the way he changed us.  My heart aches still, I can't help but wonder what kinds of things he would like what it would be like with him here in our family.  Some days it is hard.  I trust that God's ways are higher than ours, and that he doesn't waste a hurt.  I have to admit though I have to constantly remind myself to NOT relive the past, or pine over what could have been, because right in front of me I have what is and thanks to this little guy, I am DETERMINED not to waste it.

Wild Weekends

Hello!  Well it has been an amazingly busy, blessed, and exhausting week!  Last Thursday we took the kids to a local amusement park and rode rides and water slides ALL DAY...from open to close and they were ROCKSTARS.  We had so much fun!  The following day was a planned zoo day and visit with Jacob's birth mom who was in town from out of state visiting her family.  I was apprehensive, but God was SO with us the whole day and it was great to see her finding peace and closure.  It was a bit awkward and I am guessing it will be as we continue to establish a relationship and healthy boundaries. 

God orchestrated a beautiful story when He decided to weave our stories together and I am so grateful.  I'd be lying if I said it was not a bit nerve wracking, but God carefully sprinkled some of our friends throughout the zoo to pray for and with us and just provide a breath of familiarity.  All in all it went well, aside from it being insanely hot and the kids bickered a lot and Jacob pooped through two outfits.  :)

We got home from the zoo and since we'd been playing hard for two days we decided to insist upon a family nap time.  Just as I got everyone settled our phone rang...and normally my instinct would be to let it go to voicemail and check it later but I was prompted to answer the call.  I was stunned when the person on the other end of the phone said, "Hi, this is _____, I was wondering if there was any way you could take twin four month olds on respite for the weekend."  I caught my breath and asked for more information and time to talk to Howard. 

We decided ultimately to take the babies ( I know...we are crazy).  This meant an 8 year old, a 5 year old, a 3 year old and 3 four month olds.  The babies had some special needs but were about the sweetest things ever!  We went to a Fourth of July party with all 6 in tow and it was so much fun.  We enjoyed them immensely!  They blessed us more than I ever could have imagined.  We still feel honored to have had the chance to hold them even if only for a weekend!  AND let me just say that after doing 6, 4 seems like a breeze.  ;) 

We had one more visit with Jacob's birth mom before she flew back home and it was also very sweet.  She loves him so much and is very considerate of our family.  She brought the kids donuts and a new blanket and rattle for Jacob.  I feel overwhelmingly grateful that Jacob's story is being written so beautifully...he will hopefully never doubt how much he is loved by us and by his biological family. 

We've spent the past week cleaning and reorganizing the house and preparing for a yard sale to help us with the cost of our August trip to Reading to finalize!  If you are in town, stop by the weekend of the 20th (Isaac's Heaven Day) and see if there are any treasures waiting here for you!  :)  I am so thankful for your continued prayers for our family and for Jacob's birth mom!  We are blessed to have such a wonderful support system.  I still stand in awe of what God has done!  He is so faithful and so worthy of our praise!

Photo Update

In case you've been wondering what we've been up to....
let me catch you up to speed in pictures...

We have celebrated the third birthday of our sweet girl...

We've been playing at parks

We've been playing LOTS of baseball...

Even cowgirls have to take naps...

We've been working on tummy time...

and going to the beach....

and snuggling...

and FULLY enjoying this little man.

Jacob is doing well!  He's had his Early Intervention assessments and will begin Occupational Therapy through them next week.  He passed his hearing screen and has TWO TEETH!  He is adjusting and we all just love him to pieces.  We are finding that each day brings new challenges and Satan is so quick to whisper lies and doubt.  We continue to pray for his provision as we look at a finalization court date of August 3rd.  We will be traveling to Reading PA for finalization and would love any recommendations for INEXPENSIVE or free things to do there!  We are just so excited to see how God is working and has provided for our EVERY need.  He has been so faithful and we are so humbled and honored to get to be sweet Jacob's family!  We love you all and covet your continued prayers.  We are a bit more settled now and baseball season is almost over so I am hoping to get back on really soon and share more details about all of the amazing things the Lord has done! 

It is Well!

Just wanted to pop in and let you all know we are doing well! Jacob is adjusting and making progress and so are we! We've taken him on trips to the zoo, the beach and many other local venues fir the first time and he is loving being outside. With both boys in baseball, on different teams, and Jacob's appointments with doctors and Early Intervention, we are a busy family and are very much looking forward to summer! We are so grateful for the outpouring of love and sweet emails and cards! We are so grateful. As we look ahead, we need only about another 500 dollars to be raised and we are looking at adoption finalization the first week of August! We are currently working on our monthly visits with a social worker so she can assess and make sure everyone is adjusting well and providing things keep on the way they've been going we should be final by the end of summer! Please continue to pray...this has been a hard but amazing journey and I am very grateful that the Lord has trusted us with so much!

Jacob is almost 14 pounds now and is making great progress.  He is beginning to snuggle, is eating well, cooing, making great eye contact, and is becoming less rigid.  Early Intervention has been an enormous blessing and though all of his appointments can become overwhelming I am so grateful for such programs as he is making HUGE strides.

The kids are doing so well with him.  They just adore him and are very helpful.  Hope has been a touch clingy but overall has done SO well relinquishing her baby of the family title.  She has stepped right into the role as a big sister beautifully and is so proud to have a baby brother...she does worry when folks come to visit, thinking they might take him.  It is sweet and sad, but she really does adore him and wants to mother him.

The boys are just smitten.  They are forever wanting to help hold him, bathe him and feed him.  They are such a great help when he is fussy and I need to meet the needs of the rest of the family.  He smiles for them and coos away as they read him books and teach him all they know. 

Summer is fast approaching.  We are finished with our curriculum at home for the year and are excited to go to the beach and explore the world around us.  Howard has two more weeks, but will be moving to a new school next year so we will be helping him move throughout the summer.  We are grateful he still has a job and look forward to what the Lord has in store.  We look forward to lots of family time to continue solidifying our newly grown family and showing Jacob what being a Bolte is all about.  God has been so faithful and so present.  I am just so very grateful.  Please continue to pray as the journey is far from over and there are many struggles.  Adoption is such a gift, but it is important to remember that it is the result of a very broken world and so heartache and pain are also involved.  I know Jacob's birthmom struggles and it breaks my heart.  We still have some financial hurdles to jump and we are still working to show Jacob how to accept love.  Could you pray for those specifics?

Mighty To Save

Mother's Day...


Since losing my mother in 1988, Mother's Day has always been a day I dreaded. It has been a day that I've wanted to just pull the covers over my head and forget. As a child, making Mom's Day crafts, for an alternate family member or inviting an alternate family member to a Mother's Day banquet was almost like twisting a knife in a wound. For me it was always a reminder of what wasn't, of what I desperately missed and yet would never know. I ached, a piece of me missing, a gaping wound in my broken heart that no one else could fill.

That sorrow took on a whole new meaning when in 2005 my second son went from the arms of my husband, his earthly father straight into the arms of his Heavenly Father. Mother's Day was doubly hard as a daughter missing her mom, AND as a mom missing her son. Mother's Day seemed like a day simply to exploit the brokenness in my life. Losing Asher in 2008 only compounded the pain.

For decades now, Mother's Day swoops in in May and steals my joy, bringing to my knees as tears fall and I mourn what has been lost. I have dreaded Mother's Day for so long that I have had no idea how to embrace it. I have been blessed with healthy children and being their mother is an honor like no other. I want to celebrate that, yet I've not known how. The void is too big, too gaping and too raw.

This year, I am trying desperately to break the cycle. Mother's Day doesn't steal my joy. Satan does. He swoops in and pulls the rug right out from under me, reminding me of all that's been lost and making me yearn for and even envy those who celebrate without the sorrow and loss. He reminds me of how I fall short and am nothing to be celebrated myself. The thing is...he can only do that if I let him. If I focus my eyes upward, I see a God who is MIGHTY to save. I see a God who has held my quivering grief filled body through each and every loss. I see a God who has shown me comfort that I would never have known otherwise. I see a God who has never left, who has wiped each tear and picked me up and led me onward.

Mother's Day will likely always be bittersweet. Being a mother is one of the greatest honors the Lord has bestowed upon me, but the scars of loss still ache a bit. I am coming to accept the fact that they likely always will. Much like life, we are constantly swaying between grief and joy and it is a journey, and one that will likely never end. All we can do is keep our focus on Him and surrender. We give it to him, all the hurt, grief, anger and bitterness. We lay it at his feet and we walk away. We leave it. He is good. He has a good plan and he will work each and every ugly hurt out for our good. He will. I have seen it. I look back at where I have been and where I stand and I am awestruck, it doesn't negate the pain, but gives it purpose.

I sit here tonight thinking of all of my friends out there dreading tomorrow. Some of you have just lost your own mom, some have lost a precious child, some long to be mothers, some are mothers who have given up their children. I think about the despair and raw heartache. My heart breaks because I know a bit about that ache. I believe God has really been speaking to my heart today. I wish I had magic words to offer, unfortunately there are none.

Friends, if a taste of bitter is what you are feeling as Mother's Day approaches, let me encourage you. It might take twenty four years, but one day it will hurt less. One day you will be able to breathe again. One day you will be able to go outside the safety of your home on Mother's day and not want to punch every daughter taking her own mom for granted or mom taking her children for granted. God is with you today. Our savior, he can move mountains....I have witnessed it. He is mighty to save, and he wants so desperately to save you. He CONQUERED the grave! He did...he did it for you and for me. For me, dreading Mother's Day, I believe became a habit. I am going to break that habit right now, replacing it with looking it as an opportunity to pray specifically for each hurting heart out there...each heart that is dreading Mother's Day.

We serve a God who is so much bigger than we can fathom. We serve a God who has plans we couldn't dream up if we tried. He wants good things for us, and sometimes pain is part of that. It sucks, but I promise there is purpose. He conquered the grave, His power is within us, and weeping may last for the night but I am here to tell you that JOY comes in the morning...sometimes it takes years, but it comes if you accept it. I have felt for so long that I needed to dread Mother's Day because of all of the sorrow it reminds me of and that if I did not weep and grieve on this date that I was doing a disservice to my grief, but I am learning that I can allow the joy to come. I can celebrate because God has conquered all of it. My feet are firmly planted upon the Rock and He has proven Himself to be a faithful and loving God. I can celebrate in SPITE of all of the pain because His grace and His hope are GREATER than all of it.

So, tomorrow is likely to be bittersweet, but I sure am going to relish in the sweet because if you had told me a year ago we'd be the parents to a half dozen children, four on earth and two in Heaven, I'd have though you nuts, but not our God...he is so creative, so merciful and so loving and his plans for us are good. You might be in a pit of despair right now, and it is okay to hurt, to really enter that pain and allow yourself to feel it, walk through the muck and the mire, and place your feet upon that Solid Rock, because He IS mighty to save and he will bring beauty from the ashes. There is purpose in the pain. He promises he will and he keeps his promises. It is okay to be where you are...one day you will breathe again...one day He will make all sad things come untrue. He is the only One who can fill the void, and He will...if you let him. The positive may never outweigh or make up for the negative...but even in the negative...He is there.

Grateful

All I can say right now is that I am so grateful that we serve such a faithful God. We are finding that when we have a true need He is meeting them one by one. I am finding that when I think things are hard and when Satan whispers doubts and lies in my ear, I can stand firm on the fact that I in fact did not get myself into this...God did and because He did...He will see us through each and every thing...and He is and it is such a great place to be...right in His will.

 Managing and shepherding three kids was tough and four is even tougher but there is also something so sweet, so amazing and so rewarding about it. Jacob is a tough little guy. I have been struggling to bond with him. I am a baby wearing mama and he is just not there yet. He has made HUGE progress but still has a long road ahead.

 We visited the doctor again today because I was worried that he was dealing with reflux, but our doctor has been so great and just assured me that all he is going through is normal for where he's come from and that Jacob is going to be just fine. He reminded me that I am a good mom and that I need to trust myself. I am so grateful.

 Today we took the kids to the zoo after the doctor appointment and had the best time with them! I am SO looking forward to a summer full of fun and family! Thank you all for continuing to check in. I am so in awe of what God is doing in our family and I cannot wait to see what He's got for us next!

And someone help me think of a caption for the photo below...there's GOT to be a good one out there!

How Are We Doing?

I just wanted to pop in and let you know that we are doing well. I will try to get on and do a few blogs about our journey in the last two weeks, trying to juggle all the needs of four sweet kids is pretty much taking up every minute of my days. Jacob has been home for a week now and he is doing great. He's been to the doctor and is gaining weight and doing great. We've scheduled an intake appointment with Early Intervention for next week to talk about some of his sensory issues and his muscle tone, and he has an appointment for a repeat hearing test as he failed in one ear at the hospital. We'd love your prayers in each of those areas.

The kids are just LOVING him and have been so amazing. They are so understanding and patient (most of the time) and I just stand in awe of them. Luke has been especially helpful. He just loves his baby brother and is willing to do anything he can to help out. They just love holding him, feeding him, and playing with him. He is learning to love them back. :) They are a little to "in your face" for his liking, but we are working on a balance that will work for everyone.

 Jacob is making quite a bit of progress...he had been struggling to gain weight in the hospital and he has gained 10 ounces since we've had him so that is great. He eats well and loves to be held facing out. It has been a struggle to get him to snuggle and bond with us as he is quite rigid most of the time and has a really hard time relaxing. We are seeing great progress in those areas though and are so amazed by him each day. God continues to provide for our every need and lead us along this unfamiliar path and we are so keenly aware of his presence, grace, and goodness.

I am beginning to see that adoption really is war, and many times during the day I feel Satan try to whisper his lies to me and cause me to doubt that I can do this...and honestly...I can't. But with God I can do anything and I know He has brought us here and he will continue to guide us each step of the way...He loves our Jacob and has such great plans for him.

We ate out for the first time as a family of six and it went really well! We also tackled grocery shopping for the first time with four kids and aside from Jacob HATING the car ride, it went great. He seems to be coming down with a cold and sleep is rare commodity in this house right now, so I better go catch a few winks while I can. I just wanted to let you all know that we are doing well, we are growing, adjusting and loving.

 We stand in awe of our God who made every step of this journey possible and continues to amaze us. We covet your prayers and will be back soon to share some pictures of our family!

There's NO Place Like Home

After a crazy, emotional, awesome, difficult and God filled week...this is what I can share for now...I promise to get back on and give you all the low down as soon as we settle in...for now...enjoy Jacob's Homecoming! God has been SO faithful.  Thank you Ginger for meeting us at the airport at that insane hour...and capturing such an amazing family moment.

As for the rest of you...as you watch keep in mind that it was midnight, Jacob and I had been traveling ALL day after a missed flight and crazy airport antics, and I had been crying most of the day as well.  We look rough, but you get the gist.  ;)

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