Kristy The Outcast

First I want to thank all of those who have come along side of me in the past difficult week to provide love, encouragement and prayer. I am so blessed to have such an army petitioning our great God on my behalf.

Grief is such a tough thing. There are no words to adequately describe it as it is so very different from person to person. While in the midst of grief it feels like we are completely alone and though many people love and comfort us, no one truly understands our exact feelings, or exactly what the person who died meant to us. Even those who have endured similar losses, get it on a level most don't but still have varying ways of moving through their own grief.

Grief is such a personal thing. It is completely different for each person and I guess that is another thing that is driving me crazy! I want a formula, a 12 step program or something. I do well with that...it involves planning and knowing what is ahead. Grief is just not like that and now that I think of it, neither is faith. You make progress steadily for a period of time only to be thrown backwards having the wind knocked right back out of you. It is okay to get knocked back, we just have to continue trudging on even if we don't like it (and right now I don't). God will reward perseverance or so I am told :-).

It has been amazing to have so many other moms come along side me and share their own journey with me. It certainly makes things seem so much less lonely. It makes me feel a little less crazy when I confess some of my crazy quirks only to hear "Oh my goodness, I do that too!" I am thankful that God has provided me with such a wonderful blog family in addition to my family an friends close by to pray for me when I can no longer pray for myself. Please know I read each and every comment and email and I try to respond to each email I get.

For the past few years I have really struggled with fitting in. I often feel alone even in a group of people because I never feel like I quite fit. Kind of like a square peg in a round hole ALL the time. I have shared these feelings with a few of you. I feel misunderstood by everyone, I feel like I can never quite convey what I mean to. I am kind of young to be so old and I guess that is part of it. I am still in my twenties (barely) and many of my friends my age have not even had children, much less had four or lost one. I find myself frustrated that no one understands the depths of my pain, not that I would even want them to, and no one knows the beauty Isaac and Asher brought into my life, I mean some people can understand largely, but it is such a personal thing, only I know what they REALLY meant to my life and I try hard to convey it here but always feel I fall short.

I have been going to God with these feelings because after confessing my fear of not fitting in while in Atlanta my sweet friend Emily so kindly pointed out that those feelings were not coming from God, so "Where were they coming from?".

This is the Psalm I feel that God has given me to meditate on and it has really helped me to spend some time here today as those ugly feelings began to take over my heart.

It is Psalm 139 it is my new favorite...I have always loved verse 13 but the whole thing just rocks.

Oh Lord, You have searched me and known me, You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O Lord, You know it alltogether.

This is just verses 1-4 and really the entire Psalm is amazing.

The author of this Psalm obviously also feels misunderstood, but he knows there is One who does understand. It is God. The author feels all alone yet he knows his God is right there with him each and every step of the way. It is just another example of feelings not matching the truth. Often we feel all of these things, but we are NEVER alone, God always understands. Feelings do not equal reality.

I have had some REALLY rough days lately. Days where I feel alone and days when I feel like I am about to be consumed by my grief, but each day God gives me the grace to keep my head above water, even almost 6 months out he brings people to help carry me in whatever way they can. He is the light in my complete darkness and I am so grateful. My heart breaks tonight for those who grieve without that hope. Without knowing they can cling to their Heavenly Father and that he alone can provide peace and comfort that can be found NO where else. No person or thing will ever fill that void. God is it. Things are still tough. I am still clinging with every ounce of strength I can muster but I will not be moved. So I guess even if I never fit in anywhere else on this earth, I always have a place I fit perfectly in my Father's hand.