What??? God??? Is that you? .....FINALLY!

I have shared before that I have had faith for quite sometime, but it wasn't until my twenties that I gave my life to Christ and learned that our purpose in life consisted of more than just being a good person and avoiding the MAJOR sins and showing up at church. In the grand scheme of life I am still very young in my relationship with God as it just began seven years ago. In the past seven years I have like most others had times of extreme closeness with God and also times where I really wonder if he is even there at all. I always come back to the answer that He of course is.

I have prayed, studied the Bible, done devotionals, gone to church, served, worshipped and all of the things that seem to fit into the formula of being a good Christian. I have talked to women that have said that God tells them things. This was not something I had experience with. I have always been really curious about this, yet extremely skeptical. It seemed weird, I mean how could he do that and what would he sound like?

I had come to the conclusion that I am sure he truly does speak to people, just NOT me. I mean what could God have to say to me? Of all of the people on this earth, why would he take the time to speak to me? No, I had never heard God so he must reserve his words for special people, people who are doing great work for His Kingdom. Not ordinary me.

In the past few months I have been PLEADING with God to make an exception. Just once. Just give me a word, something to go on, something to cling to. All I have been given is "Be Still", I have literally seen it on billboards, in songs, several places in my devotional and in several other encounters, that is all he has given me...

That is until just recently when I actually began to take Him at His word. I have never been a person who is comfortable just sitting with her own thoughts. Often times that leads me to tough places, places I would just as soon avoid. Finally in the last week or so I have forced myself to buckle down, in a desperate search for some form of hope.

In all honesty it has been a terribly uncomfortable week for me emotionally, I have forced myself to be still and deal with things I have been pushing aside for some time in an attempt to just return to normalcy as quickly as possible. I can honestly say that this week, I have stilled my heart, my mind and my body in an attempt at actually hearing God, and guess what, He has spoken...

It wasn't the way I had imagined, (you know Morgan Freeman popping up in a white suit somewhere) but it was as clear as could be. I had been torn about a few things lately and I was really struggling. One of those things was sending Luke to preschool and the other was growing our family. I have shared with all of you in previous posts my battle with those two situations.

I was praying a few days ago and I was praying specifically for my children and for any children God may bless us with and that was when I heard WHY??? it just kept repeating in my head. I remember shaking my head thinking ok, so now I am hearing voices in my head?? Then it was like I had this epiphany. Why was I wrestling with these things if I knew in my heart what I was to do? God was already telling me what to do. That was when I had to force myself to answer the question.

I have always been a people pleaser. I desperately care what other think of me and I seldom feel as though I fit in in any given situation. It is one of those strongholds that I have been battling for years and years. I want to appear to have it all together, to be a good mom, a good wife, a good Christian. The thing is, when we do things for appearances they are just that, superficial. I have had a really superficial relationship with God in the past and I am so sick of it, I am thirsting for more.

The cold hard truth is that I knew I wasn't to send Luke to preschool, but I worried about what others would say when they found out I wasn't sending him. "Oh she's gone off the deep end, she lost two sons and now she is never going to let the others out of the nest." or "Now she has become one of them, one of those overprotective Christian mothers who wants to shield her son from the world." It was like God was shaking me saying, "Kristy, look at your answer, just look at it." I did and I have to admit, I was ashamed with the reasons I gave.

When it comes to having more children I have this desire that is unexplainable to have more children and God was asking me WHY on earth I would question Him now. The cold hard truth here is that I am afraid of what people will think. I have already been told that I better not dare put my family through the heartache of losing a child again, I have no right to put a child or myself through any of this again. As I type this I am certain that my fear is not of living this journey again, I KNOW without a doubt if another special baby is what the Lord gives, then He will certainly give me the grace to get through, He always does, my fear lies in the idea that we would lose our support because people would think we are "asking for it".

God has really been dealing with me lately and as I have really done some listening and being still and this is what God has given me. I am certain he shared this truth with me this weekend. It is this: Life is but a moment and we can do what other people want us to do and live a life of obligation or we can do what we want to do, and if we in fact are living a life with a firm relationship with our Heavenly Father he will mold and shape our wants and desires to His will. This will be a life of true joy because any life lived to glorify god in accordance to His will could be nothing less.

My prayer tonight as I type is that God would continue to mold and shape my desires, not for me, but for his glory. Whatever that is, I pray that I will remain still and listening for his whisper. I pray that he will continue to be the guiding light in my life and in the life of my family and I am confident that where ever he leads his grace is sure to follow! It is always there and it is always sufficient! I KNOW what I need to do, I need to stop worrying about what others think and just focus on the only One who matters.

I am more at peace right now than I have been in sometime and I am convinced it is because God has spoken to ME! Ordinary me! He loves me! He has asked me to just give it all to him and stop listening to what everyone else says and feels, that is not a life that will lead to joy or give glory to God. He practically yelled at me "STOP!" He gave me this verse to solidify our conversation.

He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Deuteronomy 8:2-4

May we all depend on God's word to satisfy our every hunger and every thirst.