Get Behind Me Satan!

"Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men." Matthew 16:22-24



I would be lying if I said the past few weeks have not proved to be tougher than I expected. I have hit that stumbling block time and again. I am wrestling with God. I have been hesitant to post any of my feelings, because I have been afraid of how they might be seen. But after a recent conversation with a friend I have decided to keep it real. I have always been pretty open and honest here and as I have reminded many before this is MY blog and my place to put my feelings into words. I want to be authentic so here goes!

When I first found out that I was pregnant, on October 1, 2008, my initial gut instinct was to isolate. To retreat and keep it a secret. I thought that if I could just keep it a secret long enough and avoid the doctor long enough, it would reduce the stress that comes with the reality of the situation. The reality is that there is likely a 25% chance we will have another baby that goes straight to Heaven. The reality is also that there is a 75% chance that the baby will be perfectly healthy. 75% is a pretty high percentage. That said, many people would choose not to take that "risk". And that is ok. What is right for one is not what may be right for another in that respect. For me though, I knew what God was calling me to do and it was something that many people in the world would consider foolish.

I knew God was reminding me that ALL children are gifts from Him, and that my desire to have more children though it may be seen as foolish to much of the world, was anything but. It was not some selfish desire. It is so much more than that. I honestly do not believe God would give us a child He didn't mean for us to have. God doesn't make mistakes. Now I don't pretend to know the outcome of this pregnancy, but I know God is in it, I know we are following Him and so I know everything will be ok.

I know all of that!

I do, but that does not stop Satan from sneaking in at every opportunity he gets to steal my joy! Man he is sneaky. I really feel like he is working on me every chance he gets in this situation. I am wrestling with God but that doesn't mean I have lost faith. I am just trying to figure stuff out! I mean I have seen and heard of people who have been healed by God, people often claim it is the power of prayer that healed them. I am struggling with that.

There were thousands praying for Asher. We prayed harder than ever before and though he is healed and whole in Heaven, we did not get to keep our sweet boy. So that brings up questions...why does God answer prayer for some but not for others? Or does he? Is it that prayer healed those people or didn't heal others, or is it that that was His plan all along and despite our prayers His plan is what matters. If that is the case why pray, if not how do I better pray? I know I have brought all of this up before, but I feel like maybe I didn't do something right in praying for Isaac or Asher and I want to get it right for this baby. (I do know that sounds silly. I am just trying to get a grasp on all of this.) I know there is no magic formula. If only! Right?

I also am still struggling with those who roll their eyes and think we are foolish. People who think we are "asking for it". The thing is that even if Isaac and Asher WERE here some people would still judge. We live in a world where it seems ideal to have two kids spaced two or three years apart. Large families are not valued as they once were. But these are WORLD views. I want the Lord to be in charge of my family and how large or small it will be. Had we stopped having children after losing Isaac, we would not have Ben and would not have been blessed to spend 35 minutes with Asher. This next child will hold his or her own place in this family. I can't wait to see what that is.


Monday is our next ultrasound and doctor appointment. We would greatly appreciate your prayers for these appointments because an ultrasound that was once a fun way to peek at the baby is so different now. My prayer is that the worry will not overcome the joy of this new little person. I do pray for a healthy baby, I want that more than anything.

I am overwhelmed by the great amount of support we are already receiving, while there are those who think we are foolish there are also so many who "get it", who know this is not just about us and decisions WE make. It is about surrendering ourselves and our lives to a God who saves, a God who deserves all the glory. We are trying to live in but not of this world. We seek to glorify God alone even if that means some will think we are foolish. The fact remains, children ARE a gift given by God and we have surely been blessed.