Thankful for EVERYTHING?

So a few years back we started this tradition in our household. I had found this cute little journal at Target that had leaves all over it and on the cover it says "Giving Thanks". This is our thankful book. Each year at Thanksgiving we get the book out and every member of the family makes a "top ten list" of what they are thankful for this year. As I got the book out this morning for the activity later, it really got me thinking.

Now some of it is kind of silly...since Ben has been too young to make his own list for the last two years we have let Luke tell us what HE thinks Ben is thankful for. As I look back over our lists it is funny how we all have the big things listed like, God, grace, salvation, church, family, friends, job, home etc. but then we each have some of the little, sillier things that we are thankful for, diapers, bouncey seats, cars and trucks blankies, Baby Einstein.

Here is where the thinking comes in...

Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.. Colossians 3:15

According to this verse, we are to be thankful to God for EVERY detail in our lives. EVERY one. On the surface that seems appropriate but then I got to thinking, I am thankful for each and every one of my children. I am thankful for what Isaac and Asher brought to our lives and home. I am thankful that God chose us to be the parents of each of these amazing kids, I am thankful for how they have changed our lives, allowed us to serve others, and realize the gift of a moment, but thankful for their death. Um...I don't think I can even muster the strength to say those words even halfheartedly. Really, I don't. And even if I were able to SAY it, I wouldn't mean it.

I know the Bible is true and I so want to follow it's instruction and align myself with God's will for me, but being thankful for the death of not one, but TWO of my children....I can't do it. I wish I could. I wish I could be so focused on eternity that I was grateful for God's plan even when it means so much pain, but I am just not there yet.

I am thankful that if my boys cannot be with me, they are safe in the arms of Jesus. That is for sure, but thankful they died I am not. There is still so much that I am trying to figure out and wrestle with God, I am trying to figure out how to be obedient in this. I know there have been many times that I have not wanted to worship or have not wanted to pray but because I know He commands this of me I do it anyway. There is something to be said for just plain and simple obedience even when you don't feel like obeying.

I think about it and sometimes I will ask Luke to do something, say for instance, clean his room. He doesn't WANT to do it, he doesn't think he should have to do it, but he does it anyway. I personally don't care so much that he doesn't want to...just that he obeys. I can remember resenting having to do those same chores, and now I really truly value a clean house (perhaps to a fault).

Maybe this is kind of the same. Maybe even if I can get myself to thank Him halfheartedly he will allow that to over time grow. Maybe. I don't even pretend to know how all of this works, I am just trying to figure it all out.

I am learning to praise Him when He gives as well as when He takes, I am thankful for a lot of things, I am just really struggling with this ONE. So my prayer this Thanksgiving is that God will help me see my stumbling blocks. He will allow me to grow in my hurt. He will help me work through all of this. I need Him to teach me to pray better, and be thankful even for my hurt.

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. Colossians 4:2

I also want you all to know that I am so thankful for this blog...it was this time last year that I started the blog and I could not have even imagined the little journal I started to keep family and friends informed would have grown to something of this magnitude, I would never have imagined the friends I have made and the encouragement I have received. I am thankful for every one of you. Thankful for your prayers, your support, your encouragement and your friendship!

Happy Thanksgiving!