Sunday, November 30, 2008

A Thankful Heart

Ok, so I am keenly aware of the value in a person being authentic, but it was interesting to me today that our sermon at church kind of focused on that very idea. It was said today during service that a person who is not being real, being authentic, cannot allow the kingdom of God to unfold before them. We as "Christians" are often so concerned with putting on our brave face and hiding what is really behind it all so that others think we have it all together that we lose sight of the fact that if we are honest and open with anyone, it should be with eachother. This is how we grow.

All that said, I have to say I am still struggling with God. I have so many questions. As I stood for worship in church today the questions raced through my mind. I know God is here. I know He has my best interest at heart, I know he has provided my family with a peace, a love and a comfort unlike any other. I know all of that and yet I was unable to "single mindedly" worship our God. My mind was everywhere else. I feel like I have been beginning to put a wall up. A wall between me and God. I don't understand Him despite my best effort and so I was going to distance myself. I want to yearn for his word and yet I find myself disinterested. I no longer get up and go to church because I cannot wait to worship the God who has blessed me so much, I go out of obligation. I know I should.

That is me being authentic. Then tonight I have gained a bit of insight as I watch Bruce Almighty. (I know, I know, just bear with me) In the movie he says this, "God is a mean kid on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I am the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if he wanted to, but he'd rather burn of my feelers and watch me squirm." And as I listened as "Bruce" exclaimed this I chuckled at how ridiculous that sounded, and yet when I thought about it....I think that is kind of how I have been feeling and acting.

Kind of like a two year old. I know I have so much to be thankful for but I also have so much hurt. I know God could have fixed that hurt. He chose not to and that is a tough reality to deal with especially when it seems like he certainly does it for so many others. Sometimes I feel like I have been singled out, like God just continues to burn my feelers. I have no one to blame so I blame God, the thing about that is that I KNOW God is blameless! He knows what is best and I need to accept that.

In my last post I wrote about how I could not be thankful for my sons' deaths. I am thankful for many things that have happened as a result, I am thankful that God has covered us with his grace, peace and love during the tough times, I am thankful for the friends I have made on this journey, the comfort I have received and given, I am thankful I was able to meet such amazing little guys and that I was chosen as their mommy. I am thankful for so much about the situation, but I cannot be thankful for that, not that they are dead. I cannot say the words. I have been trying to reconcile that since writing the post on Thanksgiving. I mean SHOULD I be thankful for the deaths of my children? Is that really what God wants? I have asked and asked for God to answer me. And I will say I have a little peace about the issue now.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Colossians 3:15

As I reread this scripture I got to thinking, I think the most important thing is to have a thankful heart. We need to open our hearts and allow God's peace to rule there. It is a decision. It says "let" the peace of Christ rule in your heart. That means it is something we must do. We must make the decision to be thankful in all things.

I think it has less to do with being able to thank God for the death of my children and more to do with being thankful for the other circumstances, more to do with finding the good amidst all of the pain, more to do with choosing to continue to follow my God, knowing He knows what is best for me in spite of the pain. There are some things my mind can just not comprehend. So much about God I do not understand. I don't know why it was in my best interest for my boys to be in Heaven, but I do trust that God doesn't make mistakes and that he will work all of this out for my good.

I think for now, God knows my heart and He knows I am working through all of this. I can rest assured that some day ALL of this will make more sense. That is where I am at right now. I am still wrestling with the idea of prayer. I know God will answer those questions also in His time and until then I will continue to pour my heart out to Him, giving him my authentic broken self.

Tomorrow is an ultrasound for baby Bolte number 5. We would really appreciate your prayers as we continue to learn more about who this next member of our family will be and how God has knitted him (or her)

23 comments:

Sheryl said...

although different circumstances i feel like i could have written this post. as you know my struggles..i can't help but wonder why and question the use of praying. however, i know that is satan attacking me and i have to stand against him. boy, do i want healing. i want my life back. i am not thankful FOR what has happened but i am thankful for my God in whom i can trust. i am thankful that He would not allow these things into our lives if He couldn't bring better.

you are such an inspiration. i am sorry beyond words for all that you have endured. but grateful for your authenticity and the way you point others to Christ.

praying for tomorrow.
~sheryl

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

Im putting an alarm on my phone to alert me at 3:30 central time. This post touched me, thank you.

ASHLEY said...

I HAVE JUST RECENTLY FOUND YOUR BLOG AND HAVE ENJOYED READING ABOUT YOUR JOURNEY. I WILL HAVE YOU IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS!

Suzie said...

Will be thinking of you all tomorrow. I imagine you must have butterflies in your belly. :o) I was always so anxious for my ultrasounds.

Praying for you tomorrow and always dear friend.

Love Ya!!!
Suz

our family said...

Praying for you. Hope your ultrasound goes well tomorrow. Enjoy getting a sneak peek at your newest family member.
Hugs and Prayers
Rachel in PA

Stacy D said...

Thank you for this post.... it was great. I will be praying for your ultrasound tomorrow. Let us know how it goes!

Devon Rene said...

i love your realness...continue to be genuine and don't hide your true feelings. god can handle it and he knows your heart. your THANKFUL heart.

i love that verse. been trying to reconcile that same question this weekend and feeling the same thoughts towards god. KNOWING he is soveriegn and in that same breath, KNOWING he allowed our children to die. thats a hard reality to grasph. in time, i think he will grant us peace about it if we continue to seek him...

love you sweet friend and so THANKFUL for you! praying for you tomorrow....

connie said...

That prayer thing is a really hard one to deal with, under these circumstances. I understand. It goes without saying that God does.

We will be praying for you. Don't you worry about being covered in that area. I will be praying for peace, and only good news from the ultrasound for you. 3:30 CST

Love you, connie

Just Me said...

I'll definitely be praying for you and your ultrasound tomorrow.

For you to be able to write about a thankful heart...all I can say is thanks for the reminder :o)

Take care,
Amanda

Taylor said...

I could have written these words myself. Thank you for being so transparent. I'm not sure if I've ever posted before, but I do read. I lost my son on June 24, 2008... he was created with one too many chromosomes, specifically Trisomy 13. I can relate to you on so many levels.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your post today. I've been blaming God for everything that's gone wrong this past year and reading your words realize that I too am acting like a 2 yr. old who doesn't get what she wants. I don't know why God picked our family for all the adversity but hope that someday I will learn the reason.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow when you have your ultrasound. I'll certainly pray that all goes well.

Emily said...

So much of this post was echoed by my heart and so much of it makes me cry out to the Lord for you. I am praying for your precious, perfect baby and for your peace and for the Lord to just keep calling us toward Him.

I love you.

Mandey said...

Hi! I've recently found your blog and I want you to know that you are an inspiration! I'll be praying for you tomorrow (later today). :D Have a great and God-blessed day! Amanda

Laurie said...

Sweet and honest post from your heart Kristy. You are doing it, getting through with His help. I will be praying for your ultra sound today for baby Bolte #5. Praying for your heart to be comforted ahead of time and full of the joy of GOOD NEWS!! I believe with all my heart that it is your turn. I love you girl.

Love and Many Prayers, Laurie in Ca.

Melanie said...

Morning Kristy,
I think that you are right on...it's about being authentic. Parents were not made to bury their children, let alone two of them. That's why it doesn't feel right and why you'll never be right with it. That's not the way God made this life to work. That's not what he intended.
Along with that, the Bible says to be thankful "in" everything, not "for" everything. You do not have to be thankful for your sons' deaths. Be you have found a way to be thankful "through" them.
The best part of it all, is that God understands and is honored by your honesty. Don't you think that God is pleased with your struggle to stand there and praise Him even when you feel like being any place else? How about the person standing behind you singing at the top of his lungs who hasn't even considered God at all that day? Even Jacob struggled with God and was blessed. Many blessings to you today!!

Devin said...

I'm praying today, Kristy.

Mrs. P said...

I am praying for you today. I will be waiting for your news!!! :)

Cheryl F. said...

I am in prayer for you. I am in a different situation with an adoption from Vietnam that we received not so good news about, I am also struggling with what God is doing? I know He is always there, but I feel bitter and then sad for feeling that way because I have been blessed and am thankful for what He has blessed me with. I guess the best description would be confusion. Sorry to unload on you I pray that everything is perfect. I have followed your journey since the loss of Happy and you deserve some good news.

In my prayers,
Cheryl F
www.whattonameher.blogspot.com

Story of our Life said...

(((HUGS)))

i'll be thinking/praying for you this afternoon.

you have been such an inspiration to me. even on the days when you may not think you are...you have been.

sending our love and prayers to you...

gala

Story of our Life said...

ps...

I read a blog a few days ago that had a long post (with lots of replies) about being thankful for the loss of their baby. I had a really hard time with this. It took me a few hours/days to reallyl comprehend what she was trying to say. I did not post a reply initially.

Then...when I went to the post was gone.

I'm not thankful what happened to my son or our family. It has/will take many more hours of reflection and prayer for me to get to that space where i can be thankful that we went threw what we did.

((HUG)) again...

Michelle said...

Kristy-I am thinking of you and your boys... I am praying over your ultrasound that I believe is about to happen. You are covered girl. Lots of love. Michelle

Mrs B said...

I hope things went well for you today. We are all thinking of you!

Your post meant a lot as I read it...I feel like everytime I start to heal, something happens and the scab is ripped off. I know I am supposed to rejoice in my trials, but sometimes I find it so difficult. It's nice to know others struggle during pain. Thank you for your real words.

God bless!

Christy said...

Oh Kristy these words have went through my heart many times...all of it from being mad and wanting to distance myself from our Lord to just GETTING it, and swallowing it even when it's hard.

I know without a doubt he loves you so much and knowing that although you have suffered so absolutely, yet God is still God. He is who he was yesterday, 1 year ago, 3 yrs ago, 1000 years ago. It's so awesome to me to think that what we can't see in this whole big picture, God CAN and that what we know of GOD is that all things that happen are to glorify him. To know that your babies, Miller Grace, and my Jordyn (just to name a few) that their lives as short as they were, were for the purpose to Glorify him in their life and deaths is amazing to me. Sometimes even 8 1/2 yrs later still a big lump, very hard to push down, but amazing none the less.

I'm praying for you, for this baby you are carrying, for your family.

God Bless