No Words

The Time is HERE!

For the past few weeks I have been nesting...cleaning closets, washing windows and making room for another little person in the tiny Bolte Casa. We are so excited and it has been so great to get some things done.

This morning proved to be a chaotic one around here...after double checking weather.com I decided to take the chickens outside in the back yard to enjoy the day for a bit (have a mentioned we got chickens? Yes...me...the anti pet, clean freak has CHICKENS in the basement...I am growing or something) I got them all outside and came back in to get dinner in the crock pot while I watched them out the back window and it began to POUR buckets of rain. The chickens were all over, and it is well known that I am tentative about the chickens...the kids desperately wanted them, Howard wanted them, and I know I need to let go and let the kids experience these things, so we are giving chicken raising a shot, but chicken WRANGLING was not something I imagined for myself! :) But here I was running all over in the pouring rain catching chickens and putting them in a Rubbermaid bin to get them back to their cozy pen in the basement. I came in, soaking wet, put the chickens in the pen and the phone rang...

It was Jacob's "hopsital" as Hope so adorably calls it. Jacob is getting out next week! He is doing awesome and they are ready for me to come and get him!

Needless to say, next week I will be traveling to Arizona to get our son! I am overwhelmed, excited and well, just in awe of all God has done here. I don't know specifics yet as I am waiting for a phone call Monday to confirm everything but I know God is in the details and he will orchestrate this all perfectly! Would you all pray!? We are planning to spend the weekend getting things ready for his arrival! I know the next few weeks and beyond are going to be trying, but I KNOW God has got this. Jacob is going to have a lot of adjusting to do as are we, but we are over the MOON excited and would be so honored if you would join us in praying for all of the details! Thank you all SO much for your continued support, love, and prayers! EEEK! Our family is growing again!

Updates

God is so faithful, so present, and so amazing. Jacob is doing well. He is growing and making lots of progress and it is anticipated that I will be able to go and get him the first week of May! The past week was busy preparing our home for his arrival and making lists of the things we will need before he comes. It was a huge step for us but a necessary one. I shared my fear with Howard, telling him that I knew all too well that sometimes the Lord gives and the Lord takes away and that I was too afraid to be excited. His words to me were, "Kristy, it is time to get excited, we know that no matter what happens, God will carry us...let yourself be excited."

Excited I am! I washed diapers (you don't think he'll mind pink do you?) and set up a changing area and washed some of the clothes we've been given for him. We are preparing our hearts and our home and we are ALL excited! Hope asks each morning when we get to bring baby Jacob home from the "hopsital" so that she can take care of him. I know she is going to struggle to share her mommy but I also know she is going to be a great big sister.

Wednesday I sat down to do the financials of all of this. I put pen to paper and tried to figure out just how much more was needed to get him here. I sat and prayed for that provision to be made somehow. The very next day that very amount was donated to our account from a VERY generous donor. My heart overflows with gratitude. The only details left to pay for are the post placement visits we will be required to have (450.00) and the birth mom's post adoption counseling (300.00) unless anything else comes up. I stand here in complete AWE of the mountains God has moved on behalf of Jacob and I am just so very grateful. What once seemed impossible now is well within our grasp and I am so overwhelmed by our ever present, faithful provider.

There is a possibility that Jacob could be home by Mother's Day! What a gift that would be! I know His timing is perfect and he has proven that He's got this, but I LONG to hold Jacob in my arms and tell him JUST HOW much he is loved by his Heavenly father and how beautiful his story is. I have felt such love and support from so many and it brings tears to my eyes to know that Jacob is so loved and wanted by so many! Thank you ALL for your love, support and prayers. We are SO grateful.

He IS Ever Present

It has been a crazy week here.  I feel like we are walking on sacred ground.  So many things happening and God is in them all.  A very dear family is losing the matriarch they hold dear and we have been honored to come alongside them and enter in to their grief and comfort them with the comfort we've been so blessed to receive from the Lord through many others.  It has been a week of tears and laughs and memories and I am so very thankful that our family has had the opportunity to be a small part of the journey.  God is so very present and near bringing a peace that only He can bring and I am overwhelmingly thankful.

I also found out yesterday that all of your prayers for Jacob are working!  God is so near to him.  He is doing GREAT!  He is becoming a social little guy and loves to be held and snuggled (oh how I cannot WAIT to get to do those things) he is eating and growing and just doing so great all around.  I am waiting for a call today with some more information and am hoping for an estimated discharge date!

I am finding myself so conflicted over all of this.  God has been so present and has provided each need so far and I know He will continue.  We are almost 3/4 of the way to having all the money we will need to cover the adoption expenses.  He has been in EVERY detail.  Some day soon I will sit down and write in more detail about how He has orchestrated EVERY single detail.  For now I am feeling a bittersweet excitement.

I cannot wait to hear them tell me that he is ready for discharge, and fly out to get him and introduce him to the family and community who loves him and wants him so much, but my heart breaks knowing how much his biological mother loves him.  She REALLY does.  This is so hard for her.  I know the heartache of losing a baby and I don't want that for anyone so while I am so excited for our family to get to love and raise Jacob, I also am well aware of how difficult this is for her and am trying to find a balance.  I pray for her and for Jacob each day and I can see Him working in the whole situation and I am just so grateful!

It looks as though VERY soon there will be another sweet little guy in this little house, we are busy nesting and preparing for his arrival and trying to take huge leaps of faith knowing God has got this whole thing.  It is tough for me to prepare for a baby before they are really in our home, but last night as Howard and I were talking he reminded me that God wants us to be excited...we take nothing for granted...but it is okay to hope and dream and wash some baby clothes and be over the moon excited at the gift of his sweet life and his sweet mom.  So keep up the prayers!  Big things are happening!  I will keep you posted!  

Oh my WORD I cannot wait to snuggle this guy!

Sweet Boy

I am pretty sure in this picture he is saying..."I'll be home in a "snap"" ;) What do you think?

Easter Cuteness!

My sweet friend, Ginger who donated the photo session for our last giveaway invited us to stop by her shoot and let the kids see the chicks and bunny. Isn't she uber talented?

If you are in the Pittsburgh or Erie area...look her up!  You won't be sorry!

Stepping Out in Faith

This whole adoption journey has been a HUGE faith walk for me...if you'd have asked me a year ago if I thought we'd be standing where we are right now, I would have laughed. I knew we didn't have the money, and money has always been a huge stumbling block of mine...I have always had a hard time relying on God in the financial arena.

He has shown me time and time again that He is able...and that he will not leave me...even when it comes to money. He is showing me yet again that what I once thought impossible is in fact His specialty.

Tuesday night I took a step in faith that was even harder. With the upcoming Easter holiday I had called our homestudy caseworker to see if our April 5th final homestudy visit could be moved up, knowing FULL WELL she was so busy it was tough to even get us in then...I spoke with her Monday and "surprisingly" there was an opening at 3:30 the next day. I asked what she'd be looking for and she went over the list with me. Outlet covers, locked medicine box, locked cleaners, fire extinguishers, running water, flushing toilets, a bed for him to sleep in....AAAAHHHHHH, What? "You just need to know where we'd put a bed, right?" I nervously asked her. To which she replied, "Well he could be coming home soon, I need to see a bed." My heart dropped into my stomach. I explained to her that it has been my experience not to take things for granted and that I'd just prefer to set up the bed once he is really here. She was kind and sweet, but insisted, it was time to set up a bed.

I am not sure if it was PTSD or what, but I got off the phone just trembling. Once...in 2005 I set up a whole nursery for a boy who never came home. I sat in his empty nursery crying out to the God who gave him to me and then took him away. It was gut wrenching and putting that nursery away was pure agony and I promised myself I'd never go there again. Babies don't need much...we have it all stored in the basement...when they come home we set it up.

Howard forced me out of my comfort zone and prepared Hope's nursery ahead of time, but I have quickly retreated back to that zone and was NOT ready to put up even a pack and play for Jacob...we are not promised a thing and I know all too well that SOMETIMES...God gives and then He takes away. I will praise Him no matter what, but I surely didn't want to take down baby stuff again.

I took a deep breath, and per her request, I did it anyway. It was a huge thing for me...I giant leap of faith. I put my heart out there again, knowing FULL WELL that it could be crushed at anytime and trusting Him with it anyway. I have no idea exactly what the future holds, but I do know it is in HIS hands.

Just to Be Clear

This blog is where I come to express frustration and share the struggles and the joy of life. I am just as flawed as the next guy and don't pretend to be without fault. I come here, and try to be transparent and share my struggles and weaknesses. Sometimes I feel like in society we lack authenticity because we feel like we always have to keep it together. If only we were honest with ourselves and others, we could all really relate and help each other. At least that is what I think and so I will continue to do so.

That said, sometimes I put myself out there and then get people who come here to criticize and make judgements. I choose to put myself out there so I open myself up to that. I get it. I think though that it is important to remember that what you all see here is just a snapshot. There is SO much more to our family than what I post here so to think you "know" me just by what you read here is impossible.

Last night I returned home to find the following comment here on my blog, I am responding because I am hoping that it was written with an undertone of concern and not bitterness and biting venom...it is tough to tell via a comment so we will go with the first and some of these are legit concerns:

I am not surprised to see comment moderation enabled on your blog, as I'm am sure you have had some negative comments. Just as I'm sure you will not post mine.
That said, a few things I'm wondering, having followed your blog for years.
-You frequently complain about the lack of money and various financial struggles, yet you are adopting another child? A child who may have special needs his entire life due to his birth circumstances?
-You often make comments and statements that clearly show you struggle with some of the same mental health issues as possibly your mother, so I wonder not only about being home study approved, but also how the birth mother feels about your mental health issues?
-You frequently post about the stress of homeschooling on your blog, but that your husband really wants you to do it...you seem like you feel it's too much, based on what you say. Do you really feel you can take more on?
-Lastly, I'm sorry if this offends you but why should other people pay for you to do a domestic adoption? International special needs children who end up in mental institutions, I can understand. But there are waiting lists for infants here in this country, even with special needs, people who have been on waiting lists for years and can pay for it with their own money. Do you really need to fund raise the entire list that you posted? Every single step of the process? You can't pay for any of it on your own? That may mean you really can't afford another child.


I am not surprised to see comment moderation enabled on your blog, as I'm am sure you have had some negative comments. Just as I'm sure you will not post mine.
Actually, you are the first.  I have no problem posting other people's opinions, and you are surely entitled to yours, but please also realize you don't know me.  You get a glimpse of what I share here.  This is my blog, the place I come to share our story and our struggles but I can't possibly share everything.

That said, a few things I'm wondering, having followed your blog for years.
-You frequently complain about the lack of money and various financial struggles, yet you are adopting another child? A child who may have special needs his entire life due to his birth circumstances?


I have been honest. We have struggled with debt, hospital bills, funeral issues, and just plain poor decisions...we have been working our way out of that for a few years and have made TREMENDOUS progress...I am happy to say that we have paid down our debt and will be debt free before long and have paid off our cars.  We have a plan in place and are working our way out of debt.  We still live pretty paycheck to paycheck but we live completely within our means and ALL of our financials were checked in our homestudy and they have deemed us worthy.  Our finances are stable and we know God will provide.

-You often make comments and statements that clearly show you struggle with some of the same mental health issues as possibly your mother, so I wonder not only about being home study approved, but also how the birth mother feels about your mental health issues?


Again...you don't know me.  You have read some of my struggles but have no idea about the state of my mental health, which I assure you is just fine.  I have encountered a LOT of heartache in life and have learned to cope and lean hard on the Great Comforter.  The baby's mother knows my entire history and I have shared my blog with her and with the worker doing my study, I am mentally and emotionally stable, and I am honest about my struggles and I deal with them instead of trying to hide them or be ashamed of the fact that I am not perfect.  We all struggle, I will be honest, I thought this was a low blow.  I do not have mental health issues, but shaming people who do is what leads to deaths like my mom's.  She knew she'd be judged like this and so she never shared.   I am a bit of a germaphobe and kind of a neat freak, but my closest friends will attest to the fact that I am NOT having the same issues my own mom had.

-You frequently post about the stress of homeschooling on your blog, but that your husband really wants you to do it...you seem like you feel it's too much, based on what you say. Do you really feel you can take more on?  
My husband did encourage this homeschool journey and it like all change has been hard.  It took me a long time to find our groove.  I can honestly say now, that I have learned to let go of the ideal I had in my head of what homeschool should look like and I am thoroughly enjoying my kids.  That is not to say that some days aren't organized chaos, but we are growing as a family and I am LOVING seeing my kids blossom.  I am sure it will be tough to add another child to that...it always is, but I am confident that we can do it  because I know it is what God has commanded of me!  It has been my own experience that anything God asks us to do is often difficult.

-Lastly, I'm sorry if this offends you but why should other people pay for you to do a domestic adoption? 
If you don't feel you should contribute, then you shouldn't. 

 International special needs children who end up in mental institutions, I can understand. But there are waiting lists for infants here in this country, even with special needs, people who have been on waiting lists for years and can pay for it with their own money.
 That is first off not entirely true...Jacob needs a family just as much as the next kid and we were NOT the first family asked...we were the first to say yes.  This incident is a special case.  We were NOT looking to adopt.  We knew we could not afford it and have been proceeding toward foster care.  We were approached about this and there are circumstances that you don't have any idea about.  GOD brought Jacob to us.  I know this without a doubt.  The entire situation has been so beautifully orchestrated that it couldn't be anything else.  I haven't shared the whole story because it isn't all my story to tell...I would like to leave that to Jacob someday.  I can assure you he is going to have a testimony like no other.

 Do you really need to fund raise the entire list that you posted? Every single step of the process? You can't pay for any of it on your own? That may mean you really can't afford another child.

When I wrote all of that...I said that when we needed the money it was there...I did NOT say it was all fundraised.  We have paid for a chunk ourselves, but the truth is that we DON'T have ten thousand dollars in our bank account and that doesn't make us unfit parents.  God brought us a child that we were not looking for, I have grown to LOVE and cherish the family of this very child and I know without a shadow of a doubt that he was MEANT to be in our lives.  I am sure that looking on none of it makes sense.  It didn't to me either.  I had my doubts.  I can tell you though that God has moved mountains.  None of this has been us...it has ALL been Him.  We are following Him and we know He will provide.  If you feel that it is wrong, then you should NOT donate.  I truly believe those who have generously supported us in this haven't taken it lightly...they have felt led to do so and I am so grateful, it is okay though if you disagree, not everyone is going to like or approve of the things God calls us to...it looks foolish or crazy and that is okay because at the end of the day, I only have to answer to Him.  I would rather step out in obedience and risk looking foolish than sit on my hands and refuse to take the risk.




I'll be honest...this comment stole the breath from my lungs and made me really think.  I debated posting it because I can't stand drama.  THIS is not the place for it, but in the event that these concerns were earnest,  I wanted to respond because maybe others are wondering the same things!  I still am humbled beyond belief that God has chosen us for this.  I know that I am not worthy, but I know His grace is enough and He will help me to be ALL I need to be for my amazing husband and ALL of my fantastic kids. I am beyond excited for this journey...children are such a blessing and in this instance I truly believe I am not only gaining a huge blessing in Jacob but also an enormous gift in his biological family.

Unfamiliar Paths

The past few weeks have been a WHIRLWIND. I have spent more time on the phone and doing paperwork than I have in my whole life combined. About two weeks ago I told Howard that as stressful and uncertain as our pregnancies were, I wasn't sure which was harder. It is the truth. Adoption is hard. It is costly, it is time consuming, and when I begin to feel sorry for myself because of those things, I remind myself that my OWN adoption by my Heavenly father was also a very costly one and I should rejoice that in some small way I get to PARTICIPATE in that suffering.

I consider myself a well educated, intelligent and rational person but this adoption stuff put me over the edge...all the lawyer talk, fees, paperwork had my head spinning so hard that I was wondering if all of this truly was of God. Each step He reminded me that it was. He pushed me to keep plugging away and putting one foot in front of the other. I have been getting a HUGE lesson in walking by faith and not by sight.

Amid all of the chaos I will tell you that God has been SO present. There was a glitch with the homestudy and we were afraid because it would surely take longer than we had, but I am happy to say that it will be complete tomorrow. Lawyers have been chosen and a path is set...albeit a unfamiliar and at times scary path.

The first step in the fee department was to pay half of the homestudy fee which was 500 dollars and wouldn't you know the exact day we needed it...we had it. The next step in fees was to pay 3,000 dollars to the birth mom's attorney, which seemed next to impossible, but the very day we needed that money, it was there...not a penny more, not a penny less and not a moment sooner than needed. Our next few steps are paying the second half of he home study fee, 2500 dollars to our lawyer and physical and well test fees, and guess what...our fundraiser last Saturday earned us EXACTLY enough. Enough. He is enough. His grace is enough. When am I going to learn that worry and fret will get me nowhere...my Savior is there...he is seldom early, but NEVER late. He has shown up each step of the way and provided.

We have few more hurdles ahead and I would greatly appreciate your prayer and support. First off...Jacob. He is struggling. The hospital has had to add another medication to help him with his withdrawal symptoms. I had been told to expect him to be discharged mid April and now I am being told it could be a few weeks or up to two months. I am aching to hold him and just the thought of him being away from me for two more months is difficult, especially knowing he is struggling, but I just cannot up and leave the three children here just yet.

Secondly, we are still in need of more funding. We have two more installments to pay our lawyer, 1500 dollars each and then I will need travel money and lastly we will need some post adoption counseling for the mom and post placement visits for us, each of which are required and costly. We would appreciate your prayers on all of this and we KNOW He will come through. It has been difficult but NOTHING is impossible with God!

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16

Photo Session Winner

And the winner of the Photo Session giveaway is....drum roll please....


DANITA ANGELOTTI! Congratulations Danita! I will be in touch with you about your session Saturday! YAY!