This whole adoption journey has been a HUGE faith walk for me...if you'd have asked me a year ago if I thought we'd be standing where we are right now, I would have laughed. I knew we didn't have the money, and money has always been a huge stumbling block of mine...I have always had a hard time relying on God in the financial arena.
He has shown me time and time again that He is able...and that he will not leave me...even when it comes to money. He is showing me yet again that what I once thought impossible is in fact His specialty.
Tuesday night I took a step in faith that was even harder. With the upcoming Easter holiday I had called our homestudy caseworker to see if our April 5th final homestudy visit could be moved up, knowing FULL WELL she was so busy it was tough to even get us in then...I spoke with her Monday and "surprisingly" there was an opening at 3:30 the next day. I asked what she'd be looking for and she went over the list with me. Outlet covers, locked medicine box, locked cleaners, fire extinguishers, running water, flushing toilets, a bed for him to sleep in....AAAAHHHHHH, What? "You just need to know where we'd put a bed, right?" I nervously asked her. To which she replied, "Well he could be coming home soon, I need to see a bed." My heart dropped into my stomach. I explained to her that it has been my experience not to take things for granted and that I'd just prefer to set up the bed once he is really here. She was kind and sweet, but insisted, it was time to set up a bed.
I am not sure if it was PTSD or what, but I got off the phone just trembling. Once...in 2005 I set up a whole nursery for a boy who never came home. I sat in his empty nursery crying out to the God who gave him to me and then took him away. It was gut wrenching and putting that nursery away was pure agony and I promised myself I'd never go there again. Babies don't need much...we have it all stored in the basement...when they come home we set it up.
Howard forced me out of my comfort zone and prepared Hope's nursery ahead of time, but I have quickly retreated back to that zone and was NOT ready to put up even a pack and play for Jacob...we are not promised a thing and I know all too well that SOMETIMES...God gives and then He takes away. I will praise Him no matter what, but I surely didn't want to take down baby stuff again.
I took a deep breath, and per her request, I did it anyway. It was a huge thing for me...I giant leap of faith. I put my heart out there again, knowing FULL WELL that it could be crushed at anytime and trusting Him with it anyway. I have no idea exactly what the future holds, but I do know it is in HIS hands.