Tuesday, February 8, 2011


I have had a lot on my heart lately. I have hidden much from this blog and it just isn't my style. Typically, I am an open book and lately, as the Lord continues to work on refine me I find myself seeking seclusion and safety. He is working nonetheless.

For a long time my heart has ached. Ached for certain someones who are not physically in this house but take up a special room in my heart. For a long time I assumed that this aching was for my boys. My arms have literally throbbed in aching longing for those sweet boys and with Asher's birthday approaching, his absence is very real. As I have isolated and spent time with the Lord, He has shown me much. If I am being honest, I will say this has been a painful season of my life as the Lord has so clearly shown me areas of my life that I have been holding back.

He has shown me that when I chose to give my life to Him, He wasn't just asking for my extras. He demands more than my free time, my extra money (whatever that is), and a piece of my heart. He demands it all. He holds me accountable for EVERY moment, EVERY penny, and every dark secret in my heart. EVERY.ONE. As I have done some examining it has become all to clear what things I have been witholding. I have followed and obeyed, but if the cost seemed to high, I have copped out saying that it wasn't what God was calling me to do.

I think this is a lie that we often believe as followers of Christ. You know, the one where we believe that if God is TRULY calling us to do something, that it will be easy, that we will have a warm fuzzy feeling and affirmation that we are following Him. I am not sure I believe that exists. I believe that we are ALL called to follow Him in RADICAL obdeience. We are asked not to count the cost. Sometimes I think because I am trying so hard to get us out of debt, all I do is count the cost.

As I have spent more time in prayer and quiet time with God, I have found that he has opened my eyes to a few things. This aching I feel in my heart, is actually not for Isaac or Asher. I miss them, I do ache for them at times for sure, but I know they are happy and in the arms of their Heavenly Father. I know that they are where we all ultimately want our children to be. I do not have to worry about them. As I have gone deeper I have realized my aching is for OTHER children who belong in this home who are not here.

That said, one night Howard and I were talking...he was talking about how we have always said we would ONE DAY do foster care, but now was not the appropriate season of our lives. As we examined the decision to wait for a more "appropriate time" we looked at each of the reasons we were waiting. They were all about us. Every.single.one. was about our comfort and fears. Our home is too small, our bank account too small, we don't want to be tied down, we don't want to take away from our three sweet kids...and as we listed them we realized how selfish we in fact our and we know our God is bigger than all of that...SO we took the leap. God calls us to care for the orphan! He tells us that whatever we do to "the least of these" we also do to Him. We have finished our foster care classes which were NOT easy. We left Hope with a sitter for the first time which broke her heart and mine. We have our paperwork done and are waiting on CPR certification and First Aid...then we will have our home inspection and our home will be prepared for whoever the Lord has for us.

Satan has attacked on EVERY corner...babysitters have cancelled, sickness looms, money has been tight and as we force ourselves to push through each obstacle we have found His blessings on the other side. I have no doubt that this is going to be a difficult and often heartbreaking journey, but I also am confident that it will be laced with joy and blessings. I am white knuckling through it all knowing that I cannot allow myself to lose momentum. It is going to be an adjustment for all of us and I know as children come and go, our hearts will shatter, we have lived that reality before and we know all too well that the Lord can piece back together with beauty even the most broken of hearts. Beauty from ashes...only our Lord.


Trisha Larson said...

Beautiful. Every single word is just beautiful!


Danae Hudson said...

That is wonderful!! I am so excited to hear about it all. My husband and I are in the same situation...we just need to move to a bigger apartment before anything happens - we aren't within regulations for just about anything at the moment.

Praying for you, sunshine :)

Sheri said...

Wonderful! My husband and I were called to Foster Care a decade ago. We have adopted out of foster care. Please, PLease, Please, be prepared. We were very unprepared. Classes offered did not scratch the surface of what you would be dealing with.

We had a situation in our home and one of our children had his innocence stolen from him. DFCS knew this child was a predator and did not tell us. I had an issue with God for years as to how he could've allowed that to happen. I have worked through it, but as my own childen were born I decided I could not take those chances any longer.

PLease do not think I am tryingto discourage you. We need more Godly homes in foster care, but please guard your family. Take steps you never thought you would take to insure the safety of everyone involved. Get a camera system, do not ever leave kids unattended and pray a hedge of protection in your home.

If you do not already read foster parents blogs.

I am praying you get to love on some sweet babies soon!

asplashofsunshine said...

If for some reason foster care does not work for your family, consider the C.A.S.A. program. I am currently in the program and it is incredibly rewarding.

Good for you to explore new adventures in your life. I'm sure each decision is not made lightly, yet you still fulfill so much each day.

Penny said...

Love Howard's and your hearts. You have a lot of love and compassion and will be the best foster parents ever. God speed and God bless your new venture. May he bring a motherless child to you soon~ such an amazing ministry for you!

read2kds said...

You are a divine intervention in my life today. I was just flipping through blogs I read regularly, and happened across yours today. My family of 5 is pursuing an adoption of a 15 year old girl in the Philippines. It is very frustrating...I was just praying a little while ago that God would let me know he understands my frustration. I think by reading about your similar struggles he has (once again) proven to me he is paying attention. You are right. He does love the orphans and we are commanded to care for them. Even when it is not easy and seem down right crazy for us to do with our own families to raise. And yet...he still commands it. He will provide all that we need WHEN we need it. He wants our obedience to him above all things. Amen.

Blessings, Amy

Carla said...

truth beautifully spoken. I struggle with the same things constantly. You and your family will be blessed by your step of obedience...even when that obedience doesn't always include warm fuzzies ;) Fostering will be the most amazing, difficult, heart breaking, heart filling experience of your life...right up there with raising and saying goodbye to your own kids. It seems the biggest blessings in life always come with the most potential risk and sometimes the highest cost.

Krista said...

Thank you for sharing. This is beautiful, and I thank you for making the choices you are.
I hope to foster too .
Thank you -will be in prayer for you . .

Sheryl said...

beauty from ashes...indeed!!

oh how i love you and how i love what God is going to be doing through your lives!!

Rachel said...

Even the smallest home that is filled with love and caring will be the best place for the foster children you invite into your home. For some it might take time to realize you truly care, but once they do they will embrace your home and your family and even when/if they leave they will take those memories and they will have a huge positive impact on their young lives.

North Dakota

ryleeandnoahsmom said...

I have been a "lurker" for about a year. I'm not sure that I have ever commented before, but felt compelled to visit your blog today as my sweet niece was stillborn Tuesday night (it appears she was lost due to preeclampsia). However, I find myself commenting for a completely different reason. My husband and I are foster parents. We had known it was something we wanted/needed to do for about 10 years, but just about 20 months ago, we came to the realization that there was no GOOD reason to wait...just like you! Our first placement was a sibling group of 2. We still have them! Next week will make a year, and it looks like potentially we may be able to adopt them.
I won't lie...while we had a very easy transition going from 3 kids to 5 kids, it has not always been easy. But, it has soooo been worth it! Two hours after they were dropped off a year ago, my husband and I turned to each other and said, "this is what we were meant to do!"
I wish you the best. I'd love to "chat" via email sometime to compare notes. I'm in awe at how God is moving people's hearts towards foster care and/or adoption lately. So happy to have you join the cause!
~Jen (ryleesmom@bluefrog.com) or www.ryleeandnoahsmom.blogspot.com

angela said...

Bless you, sister. May you find doors opening and miracles happening, every step of the way.

angela said...

Bless you, sister. May you find doors opening and miracles happening, every step of the way.

Just Me said...

Not sure how I missed this post (oh yeah, the two foster kids and working full time ;) ) but you know how to find me :) Know that I have been thinking about you SO much this month and hopefully things will slow down enough to where I really will get that card sent to you before the 22nd. Praying for you as you begin this new "adventure". It will be challenging and rewarding, but that's what life's all about, right?!
Hugs and prayers,
Amanda (from the blog ;) )