Grief is so unpredictable. You can be walking along enjoying life and all of the sudden the bottom drops out. I have had a really great few days with the kids. I expected Howard's going back to school to be really tough on all of us and though we miss him it is kind of nice to be back into the swing of things.
This morning the bottom dropped out. It is just one of those days that I just want to go back to bed. I look at my boys and I desperately want to enjoy them because I KNOW what a blessing they are. I know how incredibly blessed I am to have them and I should revel in each moment the Lord allows me with them and yet my grief for my other two boys clouds all of that and makes it tough to even see anything clearly. If I had my way about it I would probably just go back to bed and pull the covers over my head and not come out today. That however is not an option. I do have two of the world's most amazing little boys to care for today and that is what I will do. Thank you Jesus!
I look at Ben and how amazing he is and how great it is to see him look at everything as though it is the most wonderful discovery. He is experimenting with words and boundaries. I wonder if God will ever allow me the privilege of watching and assisting in the growth of another child this way. Will I ever have the chance again to know what it feels like to bring a baby home from the hospital, nurse my newborn baby, to see Benjamin be the big brother? I for sure have been blessed with the children I have, but I am left wondering if this is it for us. And if it is I pray that God will remove the longing for another Bolte baby from my heart. I love my boys more than words could ever say and if they are the only two children I get to raise on this earth, I will know that God knows what is best and has blessed us abundantly.
The thing is I still have this super strong desire for more children and that thought terrifies me. In a recent discussion with my amazing husband I was brought face to face with something that needed to be brought to the surface. He asked me if I honestly thought we could risk going through the loss of another baby. Now this was the FIRST time he had ever shown any doubt (at least with me). He was ready to have another baby months ago and has just been waiting for me to feel ready. He has been my rock, my unwavering pillar of strength and in a sweet conversation with me where he very carefully chose his words so as not to completely freak me out he confessed his fear, his doubt and his desires.
I am so thankful that he loves me and trusts me enough to do this, but it completely threw me for a loop. I told him that I really felt I wanted more children and that I was sure that we would just have to pray and have faith that God would give us the desires of our heart, to which he rebutted "yeah, we did that". Stunned, I said "what?" and he went on about how while we were in the hospital with Isaac he had never prayed so hard or completely expected God to move and yet Isaac died anyway. Then through my pregnancy with Asher, Howard never once doubted. He fully and completely believed God was going to deliver us from this tragedy. He was going to save Asher. There was just no doubt in Howard's mind.
He reminded me that we prayed so faithfully for our boy, we held on to the Hope that God would perform a miracle and yet again, our son was ripped from our arms and we went home empty armed and broken hearted. Not once but twice God allowed this agony, this unfathomable emptiness in our lives and there is certainly NO guarantee he would not allow it a third time. Howard went on to say that it certainly wasn't about faith. We had faith so having faith that he would give us a healthy baby seemed irrelevant and, prayers? really, if God has a plan, why even pray anyway?
I sat there in the dark car stunned, tears streaming down my face my boys sleeping soundly in the backseat. I had no answer. It was like now not only was I grieving the loss of my boys, but I was also losing the one person who always came at me with "well, pray about it" or "you just have to trust" he always made it sound so simple.
Howard was (gasp) showing his humanity and it scared me. I have always been kind of irritated by his incredible faith. He never questions never worries and trusts like no one I have ever known. Whenever I come to him with a worry, he always has a simple answer, like well, is that thought coming from God? or maybe you should pray about that. Now,
he was wavering.
We came inside and put the kids to bed and I got online searching for answers. I did much genetic research hoping to have some better statistics to throw at him and that was when God spoke. I stopped typing frantically and closed the computer and I sat and listened as my God reminded me that my help comes from Him alone. Howard is in fact human. He is so very worthy of all of my love and respect. He is the most amazing man that I have ever known and I am so blessed that he chose me to share this life with him. I marvel at that fact every day. But, Howard is not God. That seems kind of silly and quite obvious, but I think sometimes I put so much of my faith and hope in him that I lose sight of where my help should be coming from.
God no doubt intended for us to marry and for our spouse to be our helpmate. But it is completely unfair of me to put Howard up on this pedestal. He is human. He too lost two little boys that he loved dearly. He too is broken and hurting, though he doesn't always show it. He deserves a wife that can love him and his humanity. That can be here to listen as he doubts and worries just as he does for me. Howard and I will remain united with God in this. We will remain in prayer and follow his prompting, together as a team with God as our one and only.
I guess I needed that reminder that night. That sometimes idols sneak in without you even realizing it. I was using Howard as one. I needed to change my perspective. I need to love honor and cherish Howard, but never put him before God. God specifically says that we are not to have idols before him. NOTHING is to be more important to us that God Himself. These idols come to us in many forms, sometimes money, people, jobs, cars, hobbies, pets, the truth is, anything we put before God is an idol and I know I am going to take a closer look at my life to excavate the idols that are hiding beneath the surface. Do you have any excavating to do? Let's go on a dig!
You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. Exodus 20:3-5
