Sunday, September 7, 2008

Looking in the Relationship Mirror

I have noticed a lot lately that I feel isolated. Alone. I am surrounded by people. Wonderful people who love me very much, and yet I feel alone. I often wonder why friends or family don't do this or say that. I have felt many relationships slipping away as I feel many who used to be there for me no longer are. Everyone seems so distant. And as I have looked closer I have found that often times it is my fault.

A couple of years ago our pastor had done a series on relationships. I remember him saying something like, "If you are having trouble in your relationships with others, you should first examine your relationship with God." This statement came back to me as I thought about the broken relationships in my life. The truth is that our relationship with God is the center of our being. All other relationships revolve around this one. If we take fault with another person it is likely because we have neglected that area of our relationship with God. It is like looking in a relationship mirror.

As I thought about all of this I thought about those I was having difficulty relating to. (Now I will say in being honest that as a bereaved parent, relating to other moms is unbelievably difficult and I really do have to be gentle with myself in that area because there are certain situations I am just not ready for. Everyone means well, but once you have been on this side of the fence, it is impossible to just leap back over. It takes time... This has nothing to do with anyone else...just me, it is still hard to walk into a room full of pregnant moms or newborn babies.)

We all have our struggles. We all have so much that happens in life that drains us. Leaves us feeling as though we have had the wind knocked out of us. I have spoken before about feeling this weight on my chest, somedays it is barely possible to just breathe in and out. All too often I find myself gasping for air.

I have had HUGE things happen in my life. I have experienced pain and suffering on a level deeper than I knew existed. I have found myself gasping on many occasions. The thing is that there is not a person on this earth that can fill my lungs with the life sustaining air I need, only God. And the more I struggle to make others fill my void, the more frustrated I become because it is impossible to fill it with anything other than God.

So, I am finding that if I just take the time each morning to fill myself with God, I find myself enjoying my relationships for what they are, not what I wish they were because God has already filled that need for me. God is always reminding me that people disappoint and He never will. That is not to say there are not many many people who are very insrumental in my journey, there are many of you who have provided an encouragement that has picked me up and allowed me to keep moving forward. God will always bring those people to me at the right time, but I need to seek him first!


Anonymous said...

This may sound harsh (and I don't intend for it to nor do I intend for this comment to bring any drama to your blog so please feel free not to post it), however, when you say that you feel alone, you are. In so many of your posts, you have written that other people (who have not lost a child) just "don't get it." I have struggled with infertility and miscarriage and agree that it is difficult. (To me, losing a child to miscarriage is the same as losing a full-term infant. The love is just as strong.) I have grieved for the children I have lost - these children that I will never know this side of Heaven. I have learned that people don't always know the "right" things to say because there is no "right" thing. A comment that might comfort me, might offend you and vice versa. But when you constantly are writing that people "don't get it," they eventually are going to stop trying and will distance themselves from you.

boltefamily said...


I really don't think it sounded harsh. I do understand what you are saying. I really didn't say anything in this post though about people not getting it.

I would also agree with you that a miscarriage is still a loss it is a different loss on some levels though. It is still the loss of a child and in some ways it is more difficult because you never get to hold your baby or see your baby many times. I also think in some ways it is harder because people often don't see it as the loss that it is. You are expected to "get over it" even sooner.
I know this, trust me I do.

I cannot imagine what those who suffer with infertility go through. It is something I just cannot begin to fathom and I am so sorry for your losses.

You are also very right when you say there is no right thing to say. I never in this post said that people don't get it. I re read it and that is not even implied, this post is about ME and my broken relationships and faults and yes, I have many. I am thankful the God we serve is so forgiving.

I think that it also needs to be said though that this blog is kind of like my journal. It isn't about other people. It is about me being real. Sometimes I need to come here with frustrations and I need to be given the grace to be able to do that without being judged.

Chris and Emily said...

Hey - I think you voiced yourself wonderfully here and think it's great that you're willing to look inside yourself and try to rely on God instead of all the other people. Obviously with different circumstances and outcomes I think I felt many of these same things with everyone sort of seeming not to care as much. It's hard when you have a time of being so supported by love and support and then you're still struggling but others have to move on or maybe just dealing with others peoples perceptions not really being your reality. We struggle with that as we rejoice over Cohen's life but still deal with his disability and that change in our life and dreams for our children and future Children(since his condition is hereditary)
Know that even though I haven't been where you are I pray for you daily and I hope for you always.