In a Moment

It was on this day, November 15 last year that our world, our hopes our dreams changed in just a moment's time. We went in for our anatomy ultrasound hoping to find out healthy boy or girl, and found out boy, possibly not healthy. We were sent to Pittsburgh the following week. It just got me thinking this morning how all it takes is a moment for life to change completely. We went into that ultrasound confident in the fact that God would certainly NOT ask us to walk that road again. This baby would be fine. We had no doubt. In a moment we learned how wrong we were.

Asher Joseph Bolte



In a moment two lines appeared on a HPT


In a moment I became a mom again


In a moment hoping and dreaming began


In a moment our families began to hope and dream


In a moment our boys became brothers


In a moment we learned we would have a fourth SON!


In a moment our hopes and dreams would have to change


In a moment our fourth son came into this world


In a moment he changed our lives


In a moment he changed the lives of many others


In a moment he returned to Jesus


In a moment we were left broken and shattered


In a moment God provides grace and comfort


In a moment two lines appeared on a HPT



Everything can change in a moment, yet God NEVER does. Though the pain is still real, there is comfort in knowing One Thing will always be constant.

It is crazy to stand where I stand and look back at the unfolding of the past few years. After losing Isaac I can say that we were shocked to find out that Benjamin was on the way and though Ben could NEVER replace the Isaac shaped whole in our hearts, he brought hope, he brought healing, he showed us that life was going to go on and that we could continue to live even with the hurt.

I am beyond thankful for Benjamin and what he brings to our family. He is our "funny guy" and he has brought more laughter and joy to our home than I imagined possible. Each of our children bring something unique to the family. Luke is our loving kind hearted always wants to cuddle guy. It goes without saying what Isaac and Asher have brought to our family.

I stand here, carrying the baby brother sister of Luke, Isaac, Benjamin, and Asher and I know that this child will certainly not replace anything that has been lost. Each of these children holds his own special place that could never be taken by anyone else. Our Asher sized hole cannot be filled either. I do have hope though, hope that we will again hold a baby, get to bring a baby home and though that does not change the moments of the past, it gives hope to the moments of the future.

I am so hopeful and yet I know better than ever that we are promised nothing. We have today and for today I am going to revel in the fact that God has blessed our family once again with a gift unlike any other.

Prayer Request

Ok Faithful Prayer Warriors...

I know I have asked much of you all already, but really good friends of ours were expecting their fourth child this spring and yesterday at just 17 weeks he was born and went to be with his Heavenly Father. They are feeling His peace, but I know they would covet your prayers. Their names are Dave and Christy and this sweet little boy was Nolan Samuel. It would mean a lot if you could pray for them and their family! They have been such amazing friends to us through EVERYTHING and my heart is broken that they are having to feel this intense pain.

Love you all!

A Gift

So...many of you have noticed my new blog layout! I would like to thank Nikki at Blogs for a Cause for doing the work and Amanda for treating me to this luxury!

I must admit that you all are mighty observant! Yes, there are five children pictured in the header because there is a FIFTH Bolte child on the way.

We are so excited and surprised by what God is doing in our lives! It has come with much emotion especially since tomorrow marks one year since receiving the news that Asher would likely not come home with us. We did not expect God to bless us in this way so soon, but when does God EVER do what we expect!? We know that there are no guarantees and we are just rejoicing in the miracle God has created. We know he will be faithful.

We are thrilled and yet guarded and would covet your prayers over the next six months.

Faith Is HERE!

UPDATE:
Faith Clare has arrived! 6:24 PM.
6 lb 11oz 18 inches!

She is doing well, but is having a little trouble with her blood sugar. PLEASE PRAY!


It is so exciting! I got a text message a while ago and Kenzie Stanfield is currently in labor and delivery awaiting the arrival of the newest member of the Stanfield Family. Please pray for this amazing family. Head on over to their blog and let them now you are thinking of them. You will be blessed by Dusty's post on their blog...he is quite funny!

Discouraged (warning...this is just me whining!)

UPDATE:

Thanks for all of your encouragement and for listening to my whining. All issues from yesterday have been resolved. The bank was great about reversing the charges and all babysitter/vehicle issues are taken care of for the moment. Praising God for the little things tonight! Today has been a good day! Thank you for your prayers!



I don't know if seasonal affective disorder is hitting early in our home or what but the best word I can use to describe the last 24 hours is struggle. I feel like even the simplest of things these days are a huge struggle for me and I am tired of struggling.

We are still getting by on one vehicle, which has been fine, but this week we have quite a bit going on. I have a doctor appointment the kids have doctor appointments, and I have Bible Study. So that means babysitters and borrowing vehicles three days this week. I thought I had everything lined up for the week, and my plans came crashing in yesterday and I am scrambling to find a way to get through the week. I discussed options with Howard last night and found myself simply discouraged by it all. There is no easy answer. It just seems that such simple things should not be so difficult. I am content to stay home with the boys all day every day, really I am, but this week it is not a possibility. We need to get these things done.

So this morning as I was working on ironing some of those details out I decided to sit down to do my banking only to find SIX yes SIX overdraft charges on my account. Now I will admit that since February I have been a bit more lax about this stuff, but I still keep GOOD record of my account so I was stunned. We have really been struggling financially, and I know that these fees will kill our budget so I have been overly cautious. Well, the banks are closed today so I cannot go and get it resolved and it is driving me nuts. I spoke to a national representative from my bank this morning and she said that what happened was that on Saturday I deposited a check and wrote our mortgage and the mortgage check was cashed before the check I deposited was credited. I was unaware that this would be an issue as I handed them the deposit first. They both happened on the same day, they just chose to cash my check before depositing the other! ACK! It adds up to about 200 dollars in charges. So I have to wait until tomorrow to go in and see if they can reverse the charges this one time. I am hoping they will. I just hate having this looming over me.

I know I am whining and complaining and I don't blame you a bit if you don't read a word of this. It just feels like nothing can ever be easy for us. Nothing EVER goes smoothly. I feel like I can never be at rest because I am always averting the next disaster. I feel targeted and am really struggling with God. We are working it out but there is much I just cannot understand. I mean He could certainly cut us a bit of a break somewhere. I guess I am just tired.

Prayers for Another Sweet Family

Hello faithful friends!

I come to you tonight asking you to pray for another family who had to say goodbye to their little guy too soon. His name is Lane Reegan Landers and he is just about the sweetest little thing EVER! God created him with Trisomy 18 and he was with his amazing family for 27 amazing days. I encourage you to head over to their site and let them know you are thinking of and praying for them. I know how much it has meant to me to have so many sharing in my boys' stories and praying for my family. I am sure it would mean the world to them also! Though they know he is with his Heavenly Father, I am sure their hearts are aching. Please pray for the Great Comforter to wrap his arms around them during this painful time.

Surprise!

So last weekend was my birthday. Howard and I had a nice weekend, we went to Cleveland overnight while a good friend kept the boys. It was nice to have time with Howard and we had a great time playing at Dave and Busters and relaxing in our Sleep Number Bed, but I have to be honest. I was slightly disappointed. I feel guilty even saying that because it is the first time in about three years that we had a night to ourselves. What disappointed me was that I had to plan the whole event. I felt like since it was my birthday that Howard should have taken that over...He did not. I was disappointed.

If I am being honest I also must share that two nights ago I shared that disappointment with him sort of in the form of a baby fit! :-) I mean, it WAS my thirtieth birthday and he hadn't so much as made me a cake! (not my finest moment)

Well, yesterday he called me from work and told me not to start dinner because we were going out. I was irritated because he KNEW eating out this weekend was NOT in the budget. He seemed excited about a new place he had "heard about at work" that had "great kids specials on the weekends". So I got the kids ready and got myself ready and out the door we went. My irritation welled up again when it took us fifty minutes to get somewhere that should have taken about twenty five and that he was texting while driving! Really safe I know!

So we got to this "new place" and Luke and I walked up to the door, where inside I saw several of my favorite people! As we stepped inside the door the kids all jumped out and yelled "SURPRISE". Ha! It was a surprise party, for me and another of my good friends who's thirtieth birthday is also this week.

I was shocked I must say and it was a great night! I got my birthday cake and got to be with some of my bestest friends in the world. It was fun. The kids had fun, we all had fun.

So, on the way home Howard explained that he didn't know what to plan because my friends were determined to do this and he thought it was a great idea so he let me be disappointed so I could be more surprised. (not sure I believe that, but oh well). :-)

But if any of my friends out there who had anything to do with this are reading...THANK YOU! It was great! I had NEVER had a surprise party before! You are the best!

The Point of Prayer

On this journey of grief, it seems to me that very often we take two steps forward only to take three steps back. I felt like I had been doing pretty well, and now, I seem to be at a bit of a stand still. We have a lot going on in the Bolte household right now and I find myself busying myself with all of those things and again I find myself leaving God out of the equation. I know he needs to be the center of it all, but I am struggling with that right now.

Howard and I had a talk recently about prayer. In this discussion, I thought I was pretty solid, but Howard's questions brought up a lot of stuff. I could not answer ONE of his questions. I mean, what is the point? If God already has a plan that He is going to work out anyway, why pray? More than that though, we know we are supposed to pray, but feel like we must be missing something. I mean, how are we supposed to pray? What are we supposed to pray for? Are we ALWAYS supposed to pray for just God's will or are we supposed to give him specifics. He knows our hearts, so do we need to give specifics, does he really care about the specifics anyway?? I mean He is going to do what he is going to do anyway.

I know this all seems cynical. But it is where we are at right now. We wonder why some prayers get answered and some do not. Some people pray for healing and get it while others pray the same prayer and they do not. I know many of you might say, ALL prayers get answered. We just don't always get a yes, or we don't always see what God is doing. I get that, but it all seems kind of random. We prayed harder for Isaac and Asher than we have ever prayed. We developed a faith in Him that surpassed any faith we had known previously and our children died! He could have saved them. Yet he chose not to. They BOTH died anyway. That is a hard truth to swallow. It seems so unjust. I hate to sound like a whiner here, but we prayed, thousands prayed and our babies still died. We had faith. We trusted God, and yes He has pulled us through this far, but our children are dead. That is a fact.

I am not saying that I don't see the beauty in our story. I am not saying I don't understand why suffering happens. I am not saying why me. I get all of that. I know that NO one is exempt for suffering. I know this story we are living out is written by our creator. I know that none of this is a surprise to him, but why do we pray for healing when God is going to carry out His plan as He sees fit.

I often hear, "so and so was saved by the power of prayer." Really? I don't get it. Does our praying change the plan God had for a person?

I guess I am just at a place where I need to better understand what prayer is, what God wants us to use it for, and what is the point? I know that it is about our relationship with our savior and not just some request we are asking him to grant. It is not a wish list. I know that it is supposed to be something we do because He wants to know our hearts. But he does. He knows. I am not understanding where to go from here. I don't know what to pray for. I seem to have an easier time praying for others than I do myself, and I want to know how to pray for myself and my family again.

Any insight?

Thank You For Your Prayers!

Just thought I would post an update on Ben. We are so thankful that so many of you were concerned and prayed on his behalf.

It was a rough night. We were up most of the night as Ben's fever spiked at 103.5 in the middle of the night and just to make things interesting Ben ALWAYS refuses medicine and will throw up if you force it. So, I ran and got some chewables thinking he might think it was a smartie or something, which he did and we finally got to sleep a bit, with a restless toddler between us.

Howard called off work this morning because we are trying to make it on one vehicle right now adn when I called the doctor he wanted to see him today. So we headed in to the doctor's this morning. His fever broke sometime early this morning and the vomitting has stopped. He has still been complaining of his eyes hurting, which was what was worrying me...as it turns out he as an ear infection and was misguided as to where the pain was! They did do a strep culture and the rapid culture came back negative and we are waiting on the other, but either way he should be covered because they put him on an antibiotic for the ear infection. He is in much better spirits today and is eating and playing which are things he did NOT do yesterday.

So I think he is over the hump...Luke on the other hand is now coming down with a fever...so we would love for you to pray for him if you would!

Thank you all!

Please Pray for Benjamin

I don't have much time as I am caring for a sick child, but I thought I would come here and ask for your prayers for Ben. He woke this morning with a fever and bellyache. He has since complained of just about everything hurting. He is drinking and eating crackers. We are just hanging out togehter snuggling for the day, as a mom though I know it is likely just a virus of sorts, I worry. Please pray for sweet Ben, that he would get well soon! Thank you all!