A Thankful Heart

Ok, so I am keenly aware of the value in a person being authentic, but it was interesting to me today that our sermon at church kind of focused on that very idea. It was said today during service that a person who is not being real, being authentic, cannot allow the kingdom of God to unfold before them. We as "Christians" are often so concerned with putting on our brave face and hiding what is really behind it all so that others think we have it all together that we lose sight of the fact that if we are honest and open with anyone, it should be with eachother. This is how we grow.

All that said, I have to say I am still struggling with God. I have so many questions. As I stood for worship in church today the questions raced through my mind. I know God is here. I know He has my best interest at heart, I know he has provided my family with a peace, a love and a comfort unlike any other. I know all of that and yet I was unable to "single mindedly" worship our God. My mind was everywhere else. I feel like I have been beginning to put a wall up. A wall between me and God. I don't understand Him despite my best effort and so I was going to distance myself. I want to yearn for his word and yet I find myself disinterested. I no longer get up and go to church because I cannot wait to worship the God who has blessed me so much, I go out of obligation. I know I should.

That is me being authentic. Then tonight I have gained a bit of insight as I watch Bruce Almighty. (I know, I know, just bear with me) In the movie he says this, "God is a mean kid on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I am the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if he wanted to, but he'd rather burn of my feelers and watch me squirm." And as I listened as "Bruce" exclaimed this I chuckled at how ridiculous that sounded, and yet when I thought about it....I think that is kind of how I have been feeling and acting.

Kind of like a two year old. I know I have so much to be thankful for but I also have so much hurt. I know God could have fixed that hurt. He chose not to and that is a tough reality to deal with especially when it seems like he certainly does it for so many others. Sometimes I feel like I have been singled out, like God just continues to burn my feelers. I have no one to blame so I blame God, the thing about that is that I KNOW God is blameless! He knows what is best and I need to accept that.

In my last post I wrote about how I could not be thankful for my sons' deaths. I am thankful for many things that have happened as a result, I am thankful that God has covered us with his grace, peace and love during the tough times, I am thankful for the friends I have made on this journey, the comfort I have received and given, I am thankful I was able to meet such amazing little guys and that I was chosen as their mommy. I am thankful for so much about the situation, but I cannot be thankful for that, not that they are dead. I cannot say the words. I have been trying to reconcile that since writing the post on Thanksgiving. I mean SHOULD I be thankful for the deaths of my children? Is that really what God wants? I have asked and asked for God to answer me. And I will say I have a little peace about the issue now.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Colossians 3:15

As I reread this scripture I got to thinking, I think the most important thing is to have a thankful heart. We need to open our hearts and allow God's peace to rule there. It is a decision. It says "let" the peace of Christ rule in your heart. That means it is something we must do. We must make the decision to be thankful in all things.

I think it has less to do with being able to thank God for the death of my children and more to do with being thankful for the other circumstances, more to do with finding the good amidst all of the pain, more to do with choosing to continue to follow my God, knowing He knows what is best for me in spite of the pain. There are some things my mind can just not comprehend. So much about God I do not understand. I don't know why it was in my best interest for my boys to be in Heaven, but I do trust that God doesn't make mistakes and that he will work all of this out for my good.

I think for now, God knows my heart and He knows I am working through all of this. I can rest assured that some day ALL of this will make more sense. That is where I am at right now. I am still wrestling with the idea of prayer. I know God will answer those questions also in His time and until then I will continue to pour my heart out to Him, giving him my authentic broken self.

Tomorrow is an ultrasound for baby Bolte number 5. We would really appreciate your prayers as we continue to learn more about who this next member of our family will be and how God has knitted him (or her)