Mothers and Daughters

As I stated yesterday, I am so thankful for the new things the Lord is doing in our lives and am very much looking forward to bringing home a healthy baby girl this spring. For a long time I felt that God was calling me to be the mother of boys for a reason and now that idea seems not to be holding up.

Yesterday would have been my own mother's birthday and the day before this I found out that I would in fact be having a daughter of my own. This has all stirred emotions in me that I have not dealt with in a long time.

I have shared before that my mother died when I was young. I grew up without a mother. I can't deny that I grew up with an amazing grandmother, but it is just not the same as having your mom. I am realizing still that I hold a lot of anger and bitterness toward my own mother. When I was a mere nine years old she took her own life. Now, as I have said before, I KNOW in my head that she was sick, I know that she was not in her right mind and I know that years ago it was very taboo to talk of mental illness. I know that but trying to tell my heart is another story.

I have seen what it has done to those she left behind. I have seen how it has derailed the lives of those who loved her most. When I think of her I don't look back fondly with love, I look back and see a selfish coward. I know that seems harsh, but it is true. I am the nine year old who had to grow up too fast. I saw my dad deal with guilt and hurt in ways that were unhealthy and to this day that man immerses himself so deeply in work and staying busy so that he doesn't have the time to feel the deep wounds she left. I saw my grandmother, her sweet mother, literally lose her mind to grief to the point of having to be hospitalized for it. I have seen her siblings and how their guilt and pain season their lives in ways they never imagined. I have grown up alongside a sister who's wounds have never fully healed.

I know she was sick, I know that, but what about everyone else? What about our hearts, what about our brokenness? Not once did she think of that. Not once did she realize that she had two daughters who would be lost without her. I am angry and I still have not been able to let go of it. I have watched as my friends had precious time with their mothers as they had lunch and shopping dates, I have wondered what it would be like to have a mother who enjoyed shopping with me for dresses for dances and prom rather than a dad who was trying his best and his only goal was just to have me covered from chin to toe :-).

I know she had pain, we all do, I know she didn't know how to properly deal with her pain, but she never had to know what it was like to be a teenage girl without a mom. To go through High School and all that that entails without the love and guidance from her own mother. She never had to know how it felt to find the perfect guy and want to share that so badly with her mother only not to have her there. She never had to plan a wedding without ever knowing the joy of shopping and planning with her mom. Her mom was there. She was always there.

She never had to know what it was like to so badly want to have a mother to share her life with, get advice from, just be close with. Yet she chose this for me. She was not there the first time Howard and I had our first married fight and I thought the world would end. (As silly as it sounds I felt horrible for sometime that Howard would never have a mother-in-law)

I was blessed to become pregnant early in our marriage, but found myself at a loss when I desperately wanted no one but my own mother to share in the joy and tell me about her own experiences. She didn't plan a shower for me. She wasn't there the day my first son was born to dote on him, her first grandchild. My children will never know what it is to have a maternal grandmother and because of that, a fully present maternal grandfather.

She wasn't there when I found that we were expecting our second son, and she wasn't there when we were told he would surely die. She never held him or knew of the beauty in his short life and she wasn't there to hold me as I lie in bed as broken as I had ever been both physically and emotionally. She wasn't there to help me figure out how to explain life to Luke or how to grieve with my husband. She wasn't there as we welcomed our third son to kiss his bright red hair and to know the joy he has brought to our family. She wasn't there when we found out we were expecting a FOURTH son and she wasn't there moments later when we were again told our child would not live. And she was not there February 22, 2008, a day I consider the most beautiful. The day that this world was graced with sweet Asher just as quickly as he left. And again, she was not there to help me in my brokenness.

Here I am expecting my first daughter and I have to admit that I am terrified. Terrified that I will not know how to be her mom. I never got to experience what it was like to be a girl who had a mother. I know that God will guide me and I know that once she arrives that everything will fall into place. I know that though I don't know the first thing about a mother daughter relationship, I will learn just as I have learned to be the mother of sons. I cannot promise her perfection, but I can promise that I will do everything in my power to be there for every joyous moment and every sorrow. I am sad, sad that my own mom wont be here to welcome her first granddaughter I am sad that I don't have a mother to be excited with and shop for sweet baby girl things with. I am sad that I don't have a mother and daughter relationship with my own mom to learn how to be a good mom, instead I have my mother's mistakes to learn from.