Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Struggling

Hello everyone! This post is likely to be short as I just lack the words to even describe how I am feeling. The last few days have proven to be very difficult. I am not sure exactly what it is, maybe partly the fact that we live in the freezing cold north and I have a touch of seasonal affective disorder, maybe partly pregnancy hormones, maybe partly extremely difficult financial issues, but also likely largely because I am keenly aware that Sunday is Asher's birthday.

I have been at a loss as to how to celebrate and it is really bothering me. We don't really have the money to do much of anything, and I am not sure how we want to celebrate. I mean I want to be celebrating with a big party and chubby little hands in a smash cake, but that isn't happening so I want to honor our boy and have others celebrate him too, but am at a loss for how to do that. I can barely pull myself together long enough to go to the grocery store so I am not sure that I could handle a big deal anyway, but that is what we do for Isaac, a big picnic and it has always been perfect...February in Erie...a picnic is not possible.

So I guess...I am asking for your prayers. I know God will provide for us and I know that however we celebrate will be just fine. I am just a mommy though and I want his first birthday to be special...I just don't know how to do that without him here. So please pray and if you have any ideas of special things you have done for your little ones in Heaven I would love to hear them. Thanks!

23 comments:

Michelle said...

I am praying for you Kristy!

mrsrubly said...

this is weird...i just thinking and praying for you my friend, i do remember that beloved day Feb 22nd. i am sure that anything you do to celebrate will put a smile on Asher's face. hugs from bonny

Susie said...

Hey Kristy, thinking of you! For Joshua's birthday we just let off that balloon and then came home for dinner with the extended family. I wasn't ready to do a big birthday party. But, what about doing an at home picnic? If you asked the same people who come to Isaac's birthday parties to come and bring a dish - you can still have a big celebration, without driving yourself mad getting to the grocery store, making tons of food, etc. No one's going to think you're not trying or not doing enough. You get to do what you want to do... and believe me, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do for Joshua's bday either. I knew I wanted to let go of a balloon, but that's where my ideas ended. And that's all we did... because I didn't want to force myself to do anything...

And yes, a loud, rambunctious party with a smash cake would have been so much fun...

Melissa said...

These are plans that I wish you didn't have to think of.
I have heard of many families releasing balloons and of leaving balloons at the grave stone.

Maybe your readers could help? We could all wear blue, take pictures, and send them to you.

Nichelle said...

It is hard to be happy on a day that you so pictured to be different than how you will be spending it...but God will give you the strength you need when you need it. He is always great about that.
We will have the kids "help" make a special cake...chocolate or to shake things up this year...we did an ice cream cake. They decorate it and blow out the candles...sad..but special... if weather permits...you could also write special messages on balloons and release singing a special song...just a few ideas...but no matter what...his day will be special because you are his Mommy and Daddy...I never doubt that the celebration in Heaven is a lovely and beautiful one.
Praying for you....Nichelle

Emily said...

Hey girl. My heart's with you. Asher's birthday will indeed be perfect, however your sweet family decides to celebrate his amazing life. On Miller Grace's birthday, we didn't do anything awesome or amazing, but the day just felt holy and blessed. We had a little cake that simply said "Thank You God for Miller Grace" over which we sang Happy Birthday and let her sisters blow out the candles. We released balloons at the cemetery and just found little reminders of her all day long. I pray your day is just as gentle and beautiful and that your mind is filled with sweet reminders of who Asher was and all he means to this world and all he is in Heaven and will be when you hold him again. THAT will be the awesome day. :)

malette-foreveryoung said...

I am praying for you that this hard.
Praying in ND
Malette

AmandaC said...

I will certainly keep you in my prayers. Just know that no matter what you do or don't do, Asher knows how much he is loved.

Rachel Doyle said...

Hi - I just found your blog randomly through a friend's blog. Anyhow I understand the difficulty it is to know what to do on your baby's birthday. My little Nathan was born and died a little over two years ago. He lived ten minutes. Anyhow something my family does to celebrate his birthday is to buy a cake and sing Happy Birthday -- although we can never make it through the first line. Also we try and buy a birthday present and donate to the local hospital. I wish you well this weekend. Rachel Doyle

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Praying...

Kelly said...

Sending you hugs from Millcreek. I'm not too far away, so I hope you get them quickly. :-) I agree that we do need some sunshine around her, but remember that it's only hidden behind the clouds right now. Take care of yourself. You are in our family's prayers.

christian-mom said...

Sweety, please don't be so hard on yourself. You are an awsome mom and you honor your sons every single day. Lives are changed because of your web sight. Hearts are touched every day. Maybe your family can all dim the lights and light some candles I think you are just a wonderful person. Thank God for you...

Rachel said...

I will be praying for you, your husband and your boys (all of them) on that day.

I have to agree with what Melissa said, I will wear blue, take a picture and send it to you as my way of saying that I am thinking of you, your family and your dear Asher and praying for all of you on that blessed day.

Blessings to you, your husband, all your boys and your precious little girl who we all can't wait to meet.

Remember that you are all being prayed for in Idaho.

~Rachel

jesnicole said...

I CAN'T REMEMBER HOW I STUMBLED UPON YOUR BLOG, BUT IT IS LISTED UNDER MY "FAVORITES" NOW. GRIEF SUCKS. THERE'S NO BETTER WORD TO DESCRIBE IT. AND EVEN THAT WORD DOESN'T DO IT JUSTICE. I'M SURE YOU'VE READ A TON ON GRIEF (NOT THAT IT CAN EVER BRING TRUE HEALING, TRUE HEALING IS FROM CHRIST, AND OUR GRIEF WILL NEVER BE FULLY OVER UNTIL WE ARE ALL REUNITED...)HOWEVER, C.S. LEWIS' BOOK "A GRIEF OBSERVED" HELPED ME THROUGH LAST WINTER IN MORE WAYS THAN I CAN DESCRIBE. HE TALKED ABOUT THE ABSENCE OF A LOVED ONE BEING A BLANKET OVER EVERYTHING. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT EVEN THOUGH WE ALL EXPERIENCE GRIEF IN DIFFERENT WAYS, FROM DIFFERENT THINGS, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. "BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO MOURN, FOR THEY SHALL BE COMFORTED."-JESUS-

Elisha said...

I rarely comment so I dont know if you'll recognize me...but...You know. Im not sure what exactly the weather is like there...but if you have snow a nice idea would be to bundle everyone up and build a snowman for Ashers Birthday...or take the boys tobaganning. Just an idea playing off of the picnic in summer. Im sure that whatever you do will be perfect as long as your doing it with love in your hearts . Im saying a prayer that you will find the perfect way to celebrate and that you will find peace in this trying time. Take Care.

Kim D. said...

We just celebrated my daughter's first heavenly birthday by going to the cemetary, singing "happy birthday," and then out for cupcakes afterwards at a local bakery. I too struggled with "just the right way" to celebrate and found that the little things were most meaningful for me. Blessings to you.

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

HI Kristy,
I am thinking of you this weekend sweet friend. It's so rediculous isn't it? I am really just trying to simplify my life...simplify things. We let baloons off and made stepping stones (my girls are a little older). But just having the cup cakes, baloons and watching the video with the girls was sweet and plenty. You do what you need to do and it will all fall into place.
I love you and am sorry.
Kim

Kristie said...

How about making a cake in honor of him, lighting a candle in honor of him and then letting off some ballons.

Kristie

Mitelady said...

I don't know why, but every time my little girl's birthday rolls around I have to decorate. She was stillborn two years ago and I don't think I'll ever stop celebrating her, or her birthdays. Putting up inexpensive crepe paper and balloons and praising God for the blessing of her lightens my heart. Maybe simple decorations to acknowledge the special day and set the day apart would help you make Asher's day special too. I don't know if that helps, but I thought I would share. God bless you and your family too!

Penny Christine said...

Hi. I'm not sure how I got here...from one blog to the next..you know how the surfing goes. I just wanted to say I was in tears reading yours and I bookmarked it to come back to read more about your prescious family...both here and in heaven. I want to say that experienced loss...my first. I went on to have five more children and am richly blessed but to this day when I see a picture of my kiddos, there's always a space where Zachary should be. There will always be that 'space' but the ones God's entrusted to us have ways of filling it usually. Hugs to you. Also, your Asher in heaven tugged at my heart. I have an Asher. Asher Gabriel. Anyway..I'll be reading more. Happy Birthday Asher Angel. *Penny

The Pittsburgh Hites said...

we love you, and are lifting you all up this weekend...whatever you do, it will be enough...
Thank you Kristy, for making us all feel like Asher was a part of us too. Like i told you, he will always be a part of your tree...and ours!
This weekend is for honoring him, his too short time with his family that loved him more than words could describe...
All our love!

sumi said...

Kristy, I just wanted to say my heart is with you...

For Jenna's heaven day my friends at school planted a tree. I'm sure it is too frigid for you to do that in Feb, but how about buying a tree and letting your boys and friends put little notes to Asher on it for now, and then planting it outside as soon as the weather permits?

I'm sure whatever you do will be beautiful.

Big hugs...

Sumi

Mrs. Angel Ghastin said...

Kristy,

Since it is winter time, a fun thing that your family and friends could do is have a snowman festival. It's freezing, I know! But, if you want to have an outdoor event maybe a snowman festival would be fun. Gather all your friends and family and build snowmen, forts, and other scultures. Get some spray bottles fill them with colored water and spray your creations so they are colorful(it's really fun, we did it at school, the kids had a blast). Then maybe have a pot luck dinner inside (everyone brings a dish so you don't have to do all the cooking). Any way you decide to honor Asher will be fine...he was a lucky boy to have such a wonderful family. Hope things go well. I'll be thinking of you.

Angel