Redemption

After saying goodbye to Isaac in 2005 we quickly became pregnant again with our sweet Benjamin. It was a little unexpected, but I must admit that I had high hopes that this new baby would somehow lessen and maybe even take away some of the intense pain I was feeling. I would lie awake at night, my arms physically aching to hold my son. I somehow thought that filling those aching arms would stop the ache. I thought that immersing myself into preparing for this new baby would block out the anguish I was feeling at the very core of my being. I never had the opportunity to really bond with Isaac. I was overcome with shock and grief and it all hit so quickly I barely had time to take a breath. I wanted that time back and somehow I thought that having a new baby to dote on would allow me the opportunity to hope and breathe again.

I threw myself into preparing for our new arrival...never really allowing myself the proper time to grieve my second sweet little boy. I was almost relieved to know that this new baby was also a boy. Somehow it seemed fitting. I was sure he would fill the void left by Isaac. It also seemed perfect that their due dates were just a week apart in consecutive years. I would be blessed again with a July baby (though due in August). The month that brought such sadness in 2005 would be "redeemed" in 2006 with the arrival of a wonderful Benjamin Bolte!

The thing is that Ben arrived on July 27, 2006 after a difficult, yet quick labor, that sweet boy was placed in my arms and I looked at him terribly confused. I handed him back to his dad unsure of what on earth was going on. Over the next few days I loved him and cared for him but that pain, that ache, that sadness never went away. It was always there. My arms were indeed full, yet still aching. I had never anticipated this. I was sure filling my empty arms would soothe my weary soul and yet I just became more weary. It took me a little longer to bond with Ben because I had to get past all of those feelings first. I had to take the time to grieve my second son before I could give myself fully to my third. I never expected that. I really thought that having this new baby would somehow make life happy again.

Don't get me wrong. Benjamin has brought more joy to our lives than we ever knew possible. That joy however does not make up for anything we have lost. They are separate. We were sorrowful yet rejoicing. The void Isaac left in our hearts is one ONLY he can fill. Having fifteen healthy babies will not heal the hurt of losing one. As I think back I feel so guilty for putting all of that on Benjamin. My hope was in him, my happiness somehow depended on having another healthy baby and then when I got what I wanted it didn't fix my brokenness. I had to learn to look for hope where the only source of true hope lies. I had to accept and embrace my brokenness and my God before I could fully appreciate the blessings I had been given in each of my sons. They each hold their own special place in this family and one cannot fill the void of another.

I never anticipated being asked to walk the road we walked in 2005 ever again so when we found out we were expecting Asher we were thrilled and never once gave a thought to the idea that he would be born anything but healthy. But in November we were told that Asher had multiple abnormalities and would likely not live long past birth. I remember feeling as if the world were spinning at light speed. How could the God that I had surrendered all to ask me to surrender yet another child to Him? I could not reconcile it no matter how hard I tried. I pleaded with God and again He reminded me that my help, my hope comes from Him...not another healthy baby. The year I carried Asher in my womb was one of the most beautiful years I could ever imagine. Though at times I felt abandoned, I experienced God on a level I never knew possible. I saw the body of Christ in action and felt His love pouring out all over my family. I am so grateful to each of the people who were His hands and feet to us. His birthdate, which is a mere six days away was the most amazing day I have ever experienced. I truly experienced our Lord on a tangible level and it takes my breath away just thinking about it.

Now, here I am carrying our FIFTH baby, our first daughter and I could not be more thrilled that the Lord has trusted me again with one of His children, because if I have learned anything it is that these children are HIS not mine. He chose us to be the parents of each of our children and I am so grateful to him. He has trusted us to raise them in His love and we will do that for as long as he allows.

I have heard many people speak of children who are born after a loss as "rainbow babies" I have heard talks of restoration and redemption when a healthy baby is born after a loss. Coming from where I have been I have learned that every baby is a beautiful gift, just as a rainbow is no matter what the circumstance, to remind us of God's love and goodness, but when it comes to restoration and redemption, I have to tell you that there is only one place that this can come from and that is our Heavenly Father. There is nothing that this sweet baby girl can do to restore what has been lost in this family, and that responsibility should not be hers to bear. As I have said before I know that God is doing a new thing here. She is her own person and I cannot wait to see who that is. She will not ease the pain felt because of the void of her second and fourth brothers, her birth will not restore or redeem our family.

The word redemption means "paid for" or "to buy out". The losses we have endured can not be redeemed by me, by you, or by a healthy baby. Our redemption comes through Jesus Christ. He paid the price for our sins so that one day our family will be whole and that is where my hope lies. Our family can not be restored this side of Heaven but I am overwhelmed with gratitude that because of what Jesus did for me, even though I do not deserve it, that my family WILL in fact be restored one day.

So yes, our new baby girl will bring joy to our family. We are so excited that God has chosen us to be her parents and we cannot wait to see who God made her and what he has in store for her, but she will not fill the places in our hearts and lives made void by Isaac and Asher. We will always be sorrowful yet rejoicing. Our hope and our help come from the Lord and we are so grateful that even when it doesn't feel like He is here, we know that He is. He is always here. He has paid the ultimate price. Redemption is ours because of Him and Him alone. Because of his sacrifice, our goodbyes, though sorrowful are not permanent, now that is HOPE!