Friday, November 30, 2007


Today I feel a range of emotions. I barely slept last night, each night I dream of this little baby. Most nights I dream that everything works out just fine. I am tired, agitated, and feeling like no one in the world could possibly understand. Most people avoid talking to me about the topic and those who do just don't know what to say. Thankfully I don't know another soul who has been in this situation and I certainly wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Having already lost one baby I know the immense physical pain and heart ache that came with that and it is all too fresh in my mind. They say that the pain of childbirth fades after you get to hold your baby and while i find that to be true for the MOST part with Luke and Ben's births, Isaacs is still so fresh. So many questions overshadowed his birth. I have many of these same questions today about this new baby boy.

I am confused and frustrated when each and every day someone comments on my "strength". I cannot even say how many times I have heard things like..."God doesn't give us more than we can handle." or "I know that I would never have the strength to go through what you are going through and God just knows what people can handle certain circumstances." Well both of these comments frustrate me. I will start with the God doesn't give us more than we can handle comment. When I hear this it makes me angry because quite frankly I don't want to handle it! If that is really what it is about I would much rather be weak. It has been my experience that God ALWAYS gives more than we can handle so we have to lean on Him. I don't feel strong in any way. Now, to the second comment. God knows what people can handle tragedy so he must just bestow it upon those who can handle it....give me a break! That just makes me feel even more targeted than I already do! So with this theory if we handle circumstances we are given with God's grace and lean on him and make it through victoriously he will continue to know we can handle these things and forever bestow tragedy upon us. I surely hope that that is not the case because if it is I just want to crumble to avoid this heartache ever again!

The thing is...I certainly don't want to be sensitive to everything anyone says to me to try and provide comfort. I KNOW that no one knows what words to give me....that is because there are NONE! No one really understands what I am going through right now and that is OK! I just need friends who will show love to me and listen. When unsure of what to say I find it best just to give a hug and say, I love you, support you and am praying for you. It isn't helpful when people avoid the topic because it just causes awkwardness. (as I use that word I can only think of Andy's description of awkward which is funny for anyone who knows him) I can assure you that I am thinking of Happy every moment of each and every day. I am praying with every ounce of my soul that he makes it through this a healthy boy who will show the world the amazing miracles God is capable of.

Which brings me to my next struggle I am praying each and every day that God will heal Happy and we will all be amazed by God's miracle in our family. I want to believe that that is what WILL happen. I am having trouble with this immensely. I know that God wants us to have a positive attitude and believe that he will deliver us from circumstances such as this. We are to ask and expect him to deliver. This is what I have a problem with. I am asking and I know he CAN deliver but because of my previous experience I am not convinced that he WILL intervene. We prayed very hard for Isaac and had everyone praying for him and yet God chose not to change that circumstance and I will be the first to tell you that I am a better person, mom, wife and friend because of him. Though he did not live he was a miracle and I firmly believe that but we prayed for him to be healed and he was not. So, how can I know that God will heal this baby. His track record with me isn't so great. Yet I want to believe he WILL. So, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and anxiety because I know that I should believe and expect a miracle and yet I have doubt. I know that my plan and God's do not always match up. I want a healthy baby with every ounce of my being. I have never wanted anything more, and I want to believe that the God who loves me will hear my cry and feel my pain and deliver me the miracle I so desperately wish for, but someone tell me how to do that!


The Pittsburgh Hites said...

Hey Kristy,
I'm sorry this week isn't going well. I'm sure that it seems your hearing the same thing over and over again, and i'm sorry that they arn't comforting you! I can't say that they would me either.
Tonight i want to tell you a little story. It's Maggie's story actually.
When i was a bit younger, i never cared about getting married, and really never wanted to be a mom, NEVER! I loved children, and my neice Zarah and I were inseperable after she was born. Growing up was hard in my family,my mom is bi-polar and is never on her meds. All my life i was told "i love you" and then 10 minutes later smacked around. I was miserable, let my family always get the best of me, and really didn't care about what happened to me by the time i hit mid-twenties. I was on the verge of being an alcoholic, if not already going over the edge nightly. I didn't have any real friends left in the area, and i thought all men were scum(due to a really bad relationship in college) I had friends who i thought were family, but boy was i wrong. One night we were all out drinking, i think it was our christmas party, and we all got a hotel room and crashed together. There were probably about 15 of us between two rooms and people coming and going all night. All i remember is falling asleep in a bed next to my friend Carisa...8 weeks later i found out i was Pregnant! I had been raped, and worse, i never had a clue. All my clothes were on, and i felt sick the next day, but i just figured it was from drinking.
Over the next few weeks i felt more and more sick as the days went on, i could barely get out of bed some mornings. Of course in those 8 weeks it was Christmas and all my friends were home. I drank more than normal to numb the pain i always felt with the Holidays. I hated Christmas, everything it stood for, and was as far from God as i could get. I honestly thought death was the best answer some days, but never had the courage to go through with it.
When i found out i was pregnant, i was mortified. I know, not the normal reaction. I cried, and cried, and cried, for weeks, months really. All of my so-called friends desserted me, my family didn't know what to say, and i was alone. I cried everyday of my pregnancy with Maggie. I doubted my ability to be a mom, let alone a good one. I had to move with my grandma, leave my beautiful townhouse, park my car, and i couldn't work. I sat in my grandma's house alone and miserable for months. I researched adoption choices, agonized over not falling in love with this "thing" that was growing inside me.
BUT, it was too late, i was hopelessly in love. I didn't want to be. At first i hated her(when i had to move home)for ruining my life. I hated whoever had done this to me, and damned my so-called friends to hell for abandoning me.
I was so sick that i cried everyday. I didn't know if Maggie would know any other noise from me but the sound of my crying. My grandma's only requirement for living there was to go to church with her every week. It wasn't easy, being a single pregnant girl in any church is bound to raise eyebrows. Because i did grow up there, i think it made people more critical of me.
As Maggie got bigger, and i got bigger in turn, things started to change. I was scared everyday, crying everyday now for other reasons, begged to be shown the way. Over time i started praying again. It all still seemed so much bigger than me...i still knew i couldn't be a mom. I couldn't even take care of myself before, how could i take care of a baby????
Why would God do this to me? So many other people were desperate for a baby, why did god chose me??
I asked everyday to be shown what to do. My family was not supportive, not really. At one point when i was 6 months(or more) pregnant i got into a fight with my mom and she sat on me and punched me in the face. I was already in therapy, and this was almost the breaking point. My aunt was the ONLY person in my life that helped me to stay positive, so help me see that i could do it.
Everyday of my pregnancy was a struggle, i won't lie. I alienated myself from everyone, and anything i ever knew or was comfortable with. Nothing meant anything anymore. I became totally focused with this thing kicking me, making it impossible to sleep. As delivery day drew near, i grew more and more scared of what next...and then Maggie came. Life was never the same again. I laughed at all those silly women on tv who said they never knew how much they could love someone so instantly when they talked about their newborns. Then i saw her! It's been all about her ever since!
I never got those answers i needed so badly while i was pregnant. The answers that would have helped me to find the inner peace i needed to get through it. The only thing I really learned was i had no control of my own life. And that scared me to death...
So no, i don't know exactly what your going through, and i'm sorry that no one has the words to help you find peace. I'm sorry this all has to be on your shoulders to deal with. I know that the waiting game is one hard played, and not fair sometimes.
On these days when your strenth is gone, find someone, ANYONE to help you find it again. Tomorrow is a new day. Rejoice in Happy, and all you have now. Give God a chance Kristy. No matter how cruel he seems right now.
If this LONG, LONG email doesn't help at all, i'm sorry.
If i could, i would give you a hug, and just sit with you and play with the boys, but from here all i can offer is words. We're praying Kristy, not just for Happy but for you as well. I'm praying you find a little peace to help you through the hard days.
I'm sorry if i'm not helping at all, i just want you to know that we care about you and Howard and the boys, and would do anything we could to help.
I hope you have a better weekend.

boltefamily said...

Thank you Ginger for all of your comments. It is helpful to know that someone is out there reading and supporting me. Sometimes I just feel so alone. I know no one knows what to say and there are really no words that can change anything it just helps to feel loved and supported. I value and appreciate your friendship and I am praying for your little peanut each day as well!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you have to go through so much pain. I have you, your family and Happy in my thoughts each and everyday and am hoping for a miracle. I know what you mean bout comments like God only gives you what you can handle and its in Gods plan. I don't understand it and it makes me angry when people say that to me even though they are only trying to help. I lost my daughter in May so I understand your pain to an extent. I am thinking of you and again I am sorry for your loss of Issac and your obstacles with Happy. I have everything turns out okay. Nancy