Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Get Behind Me Satan!

"Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men." Matthew 16:22-24

I would be lying if I said the past few weeks have not proved to be tougher than I expected. I have hit that stumbling block time and again. I am wrestling with God. I have been hesitant to post any of my feelings, because I have been afraid of how they might be seen. But after a recent conversation with a friend I have decided to keep it real. I have always been pretty open and honest here and as I have reminded many before this is MY blog and my place to put my feelings into words. I want to be authentic so here goes!

When I first found out that I was pregnant, on October 1, 2008, my initial gut instinct was to isolate. To retreat and keep it a secret. I thought that if I could just keep it a secret long enough and avoid the doctor long enough, it would reduce the stress that comes with the reality of the situation. The reality is that there is likely a 25% chance we will have another baby that goes straight to Heaven. The reality is also that there is a 75% chance that the baby will be perfectly healthy. 75% is a pretty high percentage. That said, many people would choose not to take that "risk". And that is ok. What is right for one is not what may be right for another in that respect. For me though, I knew what God was calling me to do and it was something that many people in the world would consider foolish.

I knew God was reminding me that ALL children are gifts from Him, and that my desire to have more children though it may be seen as foolish to much of the world, was anything but. It was not some selfish desire. It is so much more than that. I honestly do not believe God would give us a child He didn't mean for us to have. God doesn't make mistakes. Now I don't pretend to know the outcome of this pregnancy, but I know God is in it, I know we are following Him and so I know everything will be ok.

I know all of that!

I do, but that does not stop Satan from sneaking in at every opportunity he gets to steal my joy! Man he is sneaky. I really feel like he is working on me every chance he gets in this situation. I am wrestling with God but that doesn't mean I have lost faith. I am just trying to figure stuff out! I mean I have seen and heard of people who have been healed by God, people often claim it is the power of prayer that healed them. I am struggling with that.

There were thousands praying for Asher. We prayed harder than ever before and though he is healed and whole in Heaven, we did not get to keep our sweet boy. So that brings up questions...why does God answer prayer for some but not for others? Or does he? Is it that prayer healed those people or didn't heal others, or is it that that was His plan all along and despite our prayers His plan is what matters. If that is the case why pray, if not how do I better pray? I know I have brought all of this up before, but I feel like maybe I didn't do something right in praying for Isaac or Asher and I want to get it right for this baby. (I do know that sounds silly. I am just trying to get a grasp on all of this.) I know there is no magic formula. If only! Right?

I also am still struggling with those who roll their eyes and think we are foolish. People who think we are "asking for it". The thing is that even if Isaac and Asher WERE here some people would still judge. We live in a world where it seems ideal to have two kids spaced two or three years apart. Large families are not valued as they once were. But these are WORLD views. I want the Lord to be in charge of my family and how large or small it will be. Had we stopped having children after losing Isaac, we would not have Ben and would not have been blessed to spend 35 minutes with Asher. This next child will hold his or her own place in this family. I can't wait to see what that is.

Monday is our next ultrasound and doctor appointment. We would greatly appreciate your prayers for these appointments because an ultrasound that was once a fun way to peek at the baby is so different now. My prayer is that the worry will not overcome the joy of this new little person. I do pray for a healthy baby, I want that more than anything.

I am overwhelmed by the great amount of support we are already receiving, while there are those who think we are foolish there are also so many who "get it", who know this is not just about us and decisions WE make. It is about surrendering ourselves and our lives to a God who saves, a God who deserves all the glory. We are trying to live in but not of this world. We seek to glorify God alone even if that means some will think we are foolish. The fact remains, children ARE a gift given by God and we have surely been blessed.


Devon said...

oh sweetie, you are NOT foolish! god has obviously given you the desire for more children...run with it! although i do know i have days where i wish he would just take that desire away. he hasn't yet.

i had that same "fight" today about the purpose of prayer and does it *really* matter? rough question when we are on the receiving end of a NO.

be real. be honest with us. i know i appreciate it. i will be praying for you on monday and everyday....

Joanna said...

No eye rolling here...just smiles and prayers!

Sheryl said...

First I want you to know that I am praying for you! That said, I also understand your questions about why some people's prayers are answered exactly as they requested. I have asked that of God many times myself. All I can say is that God is sovereign and He makes NO mistakes. Have to put my trust in that and then let it be. Easier said than done.

Praying that God's peace will cover you. That satan will be defeated in trying to attack your mind. Praying that God will bless you with a wonderful pregnancy and a perfectly healthy baby. THAT is what I am praying for.

Love to you,

Unknown said...

Well, I guess we're in the same boat aren't we? Non-PC-ideal family spacing and and trusting God for healthy children.... There's not much else we can to people who don't understand our prerogative, is there? You've got my support - not that it matters - but it's here and it's whole-hearted. I didn't think I was ready to have this little one, but God's peace has been incredible. And there are days that I wonder what I've gotten myself into. I too just wanted to hide! Someone asked why we were waiting to tell everyone for so long. I didn't have much of an answer, but I think a lot of it has been not wanting to hear what OTHERS thought of my family. I read a journal I wrote last year while expecting Joshua that next time I was pregnant I didn't want to tell until after the 20 week scan and we knew we were in the clear. Well, 3rd time around I couldn't have hidden that long... but that's how I felt!

Love you! Hugs!!! Oh, and yes, will be praying for Bolte#5's scan tomorrow. They once were fun... not so much anymore until they're over and were completely a-ok!

Mrs B said...

You are not alone...Satan seems to sneak into my thoughts and prey on my anxieties as well. Satan knows our greatest fears more than we know ourselves which makes it easy for him to exploit. The thoughts of my husband cheating again never go away...actually they grow...if I want to make it work, I have to squash it from the beginning.

I am thankful you write your real feelings because even though we have different circumstances, we have a lot of the same feelings and fears. It is good to know that I am not the only one. It helps me to not feel guilty, but to know that it is normal. We must keep our eyes on God, but I believe He wants us to ask questions.

God bless you. I will be praying for you and your family. Hopefully we will be celebrating a healthy baby on Monday. I have a sneaky suspicion its a girl! :)

God bless!

Heidi said...

I don't have much advice for you, or know exactly the right words to say, but I did want you to know that I am reading, and that I understand. Don't stop praying and don't give up! There are many of us out here who are praying for you as well!

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to thank you for making yourself vulnerable on your blog. When you talked about wrestling with God it reminded me of a quote that I keep tucked away in my Bible by Spurgeon... "Wrestle with the Lord...(tell Him) I will not let you go until you bless me!"
Sometimes I know I need the encouragement to not let go until I get His blessing!

Michelle said...

Kristy, I am praying for you and I am so glad you shared. I know there will be some who question but like you said, people judge each other for every occasion... this is your life and your family and God has blessed you with another baby! I am continually amazed by you and so glad you have shared your family with us. Please know I will be praying for your next appt and anticipating wonderful news! Take confidence in the goodness the Lord has given and comfort in the strength He has given you to share his goodness in all of your babies. Much love, Michelle

Anonymous said...

I know some of your feelings. And you are right there is always going to be some one who says something no matter what the situation. I still have not told the in laws because well, they are negative and I am trying so hard to be positive with the pregnancy that I don't want any negativity to surround it. I know that I am going to have to tell them sometime but, it will be after my ultrasound and after I feel comfortable telling them. OMG I am totally sorry for dumping all of this on you.

What I really want to say is, I will be praying for you. That your ultrasound will be a time of joy. That peeking at the new one will find you with so much joy in your heart that the tech will feel it. It is ok to be scared. I wish I had something prolific to say to you that would just make all your fears go away. But, words won't do that.
And I think it is really cool that we get to be pregnant together.

Love hugs, and prayers.

Rachel said...

Kristy- I can only imagine your pain and fear. I am praying for peace for you throughout this pregnancy and especially in the ultrasound room on Monday. I know the fear (nauseous feeling) that can come from awaiting an ultrasound. I have lost seven babies through miscarriage and am also pregnant again. I have been so fearful the last few weeks every time I go for an ultrasound. So far the baby has a beating heart and is measuring right on track. I will be 12 weeks on Friday and am due the middle of June. (I am guessing you are pretty close to my due date.) I will be praying that we both have safe pregnancies and that we are blessed with healthy babies. Praying that next Thanksgiving our newest little blessings will be celebrating around the table with us.
As always Hugs and Prayers (especially on Monday)
Rachel in PA

Anonymous said...

So I guess Luke's prayers for a baby from your Sept. 24 post really did "take care of" things like Luke said it would! Oh the faith of a child!!!

Suzie said...

Love ya girl, and I am here for ya!!!! You know that! When you need your next round of sour patch kids, let me know...I deliver!


Twinmommy2boys said...

I'm so sorry for your losses. I just found your blog and have only read your recent post, but the title jumped out at me.

I have been struggling with some of those questions as well. I suppose all Christians do, but recently I've been struggling a lot. My journey is not like yours I have not lost a child or children but I do hurt for you. I find myself seeking more Christan blogs lately and I'm glad I found yours.

I will be praying for you and your family.

Nancy said...

I will definitely be praying for you especially on Monday. We just found out that we are having #5 also! While all of ours are with us on earth, I can sympathize with you about people who think you are crazy to have more than 2 or 3 children. But, they are such a gift from God - how could I not want and love them??!

mrsrubly said...

who cares if people think your foolish. this is your decision! this is your decision to take the 75%...don't let satan or anyone else steal your joy. the Almighty one has given this little peanut to you and he being woven in your womb by God! God gives! you know what i am so happy for you and sweet family. my high fives prayers and thoughts are with you through this journey. i pray that you peek at the screen that lil mr peanut will be giving you the thumbs up! and everything looks wonderful full of life full of blessings! i pray that your heart be overfilled with JOY and happiness!!!!

Nicole said...

I'll be praying about your appt on Monday. Hope you are feeling well!

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!


P.S. By the way, my word verification this time is "asherva." Gave me chills! He speaks!!!

Anonymous said...

Hey kristi,
It's been a while since I've been on. I am the mother who lost my baby last Aug at 39 weeks. I also rejoice today with mixed feelings(just being honest) I'm also expecting once again. My husband and I are so overjoyed we found out yesterday it's a boy 3 girls and now a boy I am 20wks 3days. I pray for you all the time I pray God blesses you with a healthy baby boy or girl whatever his will is. Just keep your eyes on him I'm having to do that everyday some days seems harder than others. When I seen this little man yesterday moving inside of me all I could do is cry and praise God. You be blessed and CONGRATS!!!!!


Rachel said...

Praying for your family and especially your newest little blessing!


Please ignore the one's that roll their eyes. How many times eyes have been rolled at me because of each child we have (8). It does make you want to cry but each child is such a blessing and I believe these people are very sad inside. How I pray that I could have one more. ~smile~ Love, Margarete

Anonymous said...

You may want to read the book "Prayer... Does it make any difference?" It is written by Philip Yancy. Another of his books is "What's so amazing about grace?"
Anyway, I thought the book on prayer may be helpful.
Love to you,

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

I just want to encourage you. My husband and I lost our twin daughters who were stillborn due to twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome and our next pregnancy we carried our son Thomas to term after receiving a fatal diagnosis midway through the pregnancy (Potter's Syndrome). He was born full term and lived for six hours before Jesus took him home. Prior to our losses, we had one living child who was four when we lost our son, Thomas. We were not sure if we would ever try to have another child, but I longed for the opportunity to try one more time. The chances were not in our favor, and the risk seemed great. We never fully decided to have another, but the Lord's ways are higher than our ways and I did conceive again. We struggled...my husband and I felt the weight of fear and the depth of our previous losses looming over us. And we felt the judgment of others who shook their heads and whispered opinions amongst themselves. Some in our own family could not share in our joy and looked at us like we were fools...or just crazy. We felt the doubt from others and sometimes...doubts even came between us. But I was determined to not allow our joy to be stolen...to treasure every moment with this baby because every moment of life is a gift and we never know how long we will have with those we love. I didn't want fear to grip me and steal my joy. I knew we probably wouldn't take the chance again...and I wanted to treasure the gift of our son's life. So, I did at all costs...I allowed myself to hope and to experience joy. And our miracle baby, James was born in May 2001. And he lived...and he cried...and he fills our life with joy still today...seven years later. We place our hope in the God of the impossible...the Giver of Life...the great Comforter...the Creator...and the Miracle Worker. Treasure the joy and hold your head high. Your king remains on the throne...and you are blessed among women.

Praying for all of you...
Kelly Gerken

asplashofsunshine said...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I hope it is a wonderful one for you and your sweet family.

You will be in my thoughts (as always) on monday.

Devin said...

The thought comes to mind, "Blessed is the man whose quiver is full (of children)."

Everyone's "full" is different. It is not up to anyone to judge--though they will do it anyway, to your back or even right in front of you--about the number of children you decide to have. That is between you, Howard, and the Lord. I know you are like me--you KNOW that in your head, but sometimes it is hard to convince your heart when others are being so judgmental.

But I am with you on this one. I totally understand about the need to isolate. I feel as if (hypothetically) that is what I would do if we were to have another. I would wait, until I knew that everything was "OK", and then tell.

But, I am quite certain that I think that would not be the right way to react.

I'm glad you told all of us, and I for one am thrilled for you, and am praying fervently for you and this new baby.

I am praying for the appointment--I can't wait to hear the update.

God is good
through every trial and test
God is good
and I know His way is best
Even when I can not see
the purpose of His plan,
Still I understand

Lyrics by Ron Hamilton (Patch the Pirate)

Love and blessings girl.

Trish said...

Praying that God blesses you well beyond what you can imagine.

Those feelings are so real and I can't imagine the fight you have with fear, but that desire for more children is there for a reason!!!

God bless,
Max's mommy

Stephanie said...

Thank you for sharing your beautiful and personal story. You touch my heart, and have the support of our family... although we're strangers, you have touched us.

I believe that God answers all our prayers, but that sometimes the answers are not what we want them to be. I believe that He has a plan for us, and that sometimes our trials are there to help us grow, to help others, or to lift our spirits to a higher level.

May God continue to bless your beautiful family: we pray that your precious new family member will be healthy.

Laurie in Ca. said...

You just keep putting it out here Kristy, we will lift you up in prayer. Satan is SCUM and he knows it. And he is a LIAR, Jealous of Jesus in you. The Bible speaks of Gods ways seeming foolish to man and if this is the case, they can take it up with HIM. Each and every child is a gift from God, created by Him in great detail. Nothing is a mistake with HIM. He is the ONE who controls each and every beat of your heart and is gifting your hearts desire with this new life growing inside of you. It is okay to wrestle with the Lord and tell him that you will not let go until He blesses you. Praying for your ultra sound on Monday to see proof of His promise to bless you. I love you Kristy and pray that Satan "gets it" that he is a loser in your life. You belong to Jesus.
Have a most wonderful Thanksgiving with your family and may you rest in His Goodness. I love you big time.

Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

JimKels said...

Hey. I very recently discovered your blog. I spent HOURS reading about your family and the experiences that y'all have overcome. I love the way that you are always able to put the Lord at the forefront of EVERYTHING, I too am a believer in Christ, but I am not sure that I would have the strength to be such the amazing Christian that you are throughout every journey that life hands you!! You are an incredible woman, who is blessed beyond belief. I will be following your journey throughout this pregnancy and your life as you blog it! I will be praying alongside you for the health of your unborn child. The desire to be a mommy is greater than anything that can be denied. You are NOT foolish, if anything, you are incredibly selfless!! I admire you!! As a fellow mommy and a fellow pregnant mommy, I wish you the best throughout this pregnancy and I will not be far from your updates!! Sorry for the book of a comment, but after spending so long "getting to know you", I wanted to introduce myself!! I have a little boy and another little boy on the way!!

connie said...

I'm so proud of you, because of your bravery, and look how many of us you blessed with your words. You get us, so you make us feel more normal when you express things that are in our hearts so well. And you let us into your aloneness, so you really aren't alone.

Love you, connie

Amy said...

I cannot imagine the hurt and anger you feel. These are your feelings and they are REAL. I totally understand your fears. I am praying for you and your unborn child. God is in control in every situation and it doesn't do us any good to worry about it. Rejoice in the moment and treasure every second.

In Christ's Love,

Amy S from KS

Anonymous said...

Prayers coming!! No eye rolling or judging coming from here. YOu are right that even if Isaac and Asher were here you'd get eye rolls and judgement. We get it all the time with four kids. Large families are a blessing from God and only HE sees fit as to what you are blessed with. YOu are such an inspiration to me. Love ya girl!!

Angela said...

I am praying for a healthy baby and for peace these next few days. You all are on my heart and mind so often.

Michelle said...

My prayers will be with you.
Each child that comes to us is one of His children, too. Father in Heaven must be so proud of you for your decision to trust Him and receive another precious child.
I hope it's another boy! :)
P.S. My mom has 8 children. When people would say to her, "I'm glad it's you and not me", she would come right back with, "Me, too!" Awesome.

The Pittsburgh Hites said...

You know the stance we have on this baby, how exited we are. I just want to remind you! Close your ears and eyes to those who react unfavorably! You know what is in your heart, and God is working in this, through this pregnancy as well. By the way, we found out exactly to the day one year before you that we were pregnant with Fionn...must be something about that darn Albion fair, lol...
By the way, new baby Bolte is already included in our nightly prayers, and our little Maggie has felt the need to call your baby Rose...because she says girl! And she's stickin' with girl! We were out shopping yesterday, and she was showing me all this baby girl stuff that we should buy, so I reminded her that Fionn is def. a boy, and she says, NO MOM(in that exasperated, DUH! 5 year old voice) it's for Kristy...all she has is BOY stuff!!
Just wanted to share. We hope you Boltes have a FABULOUS Thanksgiving, for we are thankful for great friends like you!! Can't wait to see you!!
-your crazy Pittsburgh friends

Unknown said...

I think I have your story all figured out now. It took me a while to get it all straight.

Your thoughts on this blog are absolutely identical to ones I've had. I think you follow my blog so perhaps you already know, but I've lost 3 children and I know the apprehension involved in pregnancy - trying with everything that's in you to be at peace and trust God who is always faithful - yet not wanting to suffer the heartache again - yet willing to if that's what God's calls you too, etc.

I also agree that sonograms cease to be fun when there is so much stress involved. It's so much stress when you are waiting...wondering...

About prayer:
I know that feeling too, but even though sometimes we might feel like God isn't answering our prayers - he always answers them. It's not always the way we hope, but he always hears, he always answers and he always has compassion when he has to say "no". But I always like to think of it like he's saying, "I have something better for you."

God has our whole future right in front of his eyes and it all makes perfect sense to him. We just have to trust him. Though he slay me YET will I trust him.

I hope with you that this next baby will be healthy.

I will pray (as soon as I'm done with this note) that God will give you the ability to enjoy this baby in the womb and will give you peace throughout the pregnancy.

Prayer is an action step. It's something we can DO. God tells us to pray and hears and responds to us. When we pray, we can see his answers.

May our wonderful, loving, faithful heavenly father wrap his strong arms around you and give you hope and perfect peace.

I talked about all of this in my book and could just relate to so much of what you said.

Thanks for sharing. I'll check back later. Let us know how you're doing, okay?

With a tender heart,
"In Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me"

Steve+Marie Douglas said...

Read the verse that says:
Whatever things are true, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report think on THESE THINGS!!(sorry can't remember the scripture) but praying this scripture will be sustenance to your heart and soul :)

Beth said...

You have been on my mind and in my prayers. Keep walking and looking to HIM.

Melissa Dovel said...


My prayer for you all along and prayer will continue to be is for you to have joy and peace in your pregnancy. I don't pretend to know all the answers- Its hard to imagine that our prayer dosent matter (I think this is how we hear from God). I think that His will for any life is going to be done. I also know that its clear that He Gives in and He takes away (as on your banner)in all situations. From the outside looking in its easy to see tremendous growth spritually as im sure its not as easy for you to see. For now trust what the Lord has given you and be blessed by it. I know that worry and all negative feelings are not His best for us, nor are they of Him. Stick to His word He will bring you what you need. I leave you with Eph.6:10-17

Blessings & Love

Millicent said...

girl...I personally would be taking that 'risk'. God is good and though others may not understand, He does!

The VW's said...

The purpose of prayer is such a hard thing to grasp. We are told to pray, so I take that as reason enough. My friend recently came to me frustruated because she prays so often for our son and can't understand why God hasn't answered her prayers for him. I told her that all her prayers have been answered, but sometimes it's just not about us. I know that God has a greater purpose, and that's enough for me.

I also know that God has a great purpose in you and your boys. You have been such an inspiration and have been so faithful to Him in the process! I will continue to pray for you and your family! May God Bless You!

Mashel said...

I completly understand Christy. I know in my heart that I trust God with our situation with the twins, and I get comments all the time, about "how are you going to handle it if they go back to their mom?" And I pray like crazy for them. I want God's will but it just scares me to death that that might not be me. I am sure it is Satan trying to break our faith, but it is so hard not to let our emotions and fears get the best of us. I am praying for you. I know this must be a hard time, and all of those ridiculous comments are no help at all. You were praying that God help you make the decision to have another child or not, and now you are pregnant, I think that is a pretty clear "yes" from Him!

Mashel said...

I completly understand Christy. I know in my heart that I trust God with our situation with the twins, and I get comments all the time, about "how are you going to handle it if they go back to their mom?" And I pray like crazy for them. I want God's will but it just scares me to death that that might not be me. I am sure it is Satan trying to break our faith, but it is so hard not to let our emotions and fears get the best of us. I am praying for you. I know this must be a hard time, and all of those ridiculous comments are no help at all. You were praying that God help you make the decision to have another child or not, and now you are pregnant, I think that is a pretty clear "yes" from Him!

Kathaleen said...

Praying for your family. Oh how my thoughts have been the same. I cover all the ground by asking, but also praying God's will be done. Praying for your little wonderful blessing!


So Blessed said...

I will be praying, sweet Kristy, as you go to your appointment on Monday.

Every good and perfect gift is from above...

James 1:17


Corie said...

I just read this post...don't know how I missed it. Hey girl...I am behind you. I am prayng for you but am so blessed to see you do what God is calling you to. I am praying that you enjoy this baby and that of course God would grant you a baby to stay with you here on earth.

I to have asked the same prayer questions. Why are some healed and some not? Did I pray right? Enough? the right way? It comes down to knowing God does not make mistakes no matter our prayers. That being said..I still question and wonder.

I have been so blessed to have gotten to "know" you through your blog. I love your honesty and working through your emotions. Thank you for sharing.