Wednesday, November 11, 2009

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I always find it surprising when I get to a place where I feel almost comfortable in my grief. In a place where tears don't sting my face daily and I don't choke back emotion when I speak of Isaac or Asher, I often find myself in a place where I can speak freely of our life story and do so with joy and then suddenly from nowhere I get thrown back again.

Tonight is one of those nights. Somehow each time we get family photos done, though I love them and though we have found great creative ways to include Isaac and Asher, it is just not the same. I stare at my beautiful family and praise God for the beautiful children He has blessed me with yet, my heart bleeds all over again for those who are with Him in Heaven. It becomes more evident that our family will never be complete this side of Heaven. The emptiness in my soul aches to hold them one last time and my heart wonders why they had to go.

I am thankful for all the Lord has done in my life, and yet some days it is still tough to breathe or even get out of bed. But I will do it, one day at a time, moment by moment and through the pain, I will choose joy, but for tonight, it hurts.


Erika said...

Kristy, I so know what you mean. I am so sorry Isaac and Asher are not here with you, and I didn't even know if I should say that "I love your new blog header and how you've included all your children" in my last comment because you know...I just KNOW how it stings to not be able to post photos of all your children changing over the years.

Yesterday on my blog, when I posted this:

Basically I felt like I was forcing Vivian and Annemarie into the post...I wanted to post pictures of THEM, and there I was posting pictures of two flowers.

It's just HARD. I actually don't have ANY photos in my blog header for that reason. I just couldn't do it...but I hope that some day I will be able to post pics in the header and not feel awful. Does that make sense?

I actually felt encouraged by your photos- especially the header because it gave me hope that others are moving forward and that my hurt won't always be so strong.

I know that feeling- two steps forward, one step back...sometimes three steps back! ;-)

Hang in there!!! Thinking of you and praying for you...


Crystal Theresa said...

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry that tonight is so rough. :(.


KK said...

I'm so sorry. Praying blessings for you and more good days to come.

mrsrubly said...

kristy, i am so sorry.i am overwhelmed with feelings from your post tonight. i know i do not always post comments, but i do check on you everyday!!! i can not imagine the hurt tonight. but remember before, we can carry you through the rough spots. praise god even when it hurts!! take care. isaac and asher are watching their family unfold, and kristy, they are very proud. you are just an awesome mother in everything you DO!!! tonight just be and DO NOT let satan drag you down!! :)

A said...

thinking of you kristy

Unknown said...

I know what you mean! I have a casual family photo that's most recent, but it doesn't include Joshua - so I don't like it. And when I took the girls to have their photos taken a few months back I left Joshua's teddy bear on the table at home. I was gutted - so upset that he wouldn't be in their photo (his special teddy bear). When I write a family newsletter, I only have a few pictures to choose from - and I can't show him growing.

But I think I'd be more upset about being OK with him not being there, than I am that I'm upset he's not there. Don't know if it makes sense to you... Hugs!

Stephanie said...

I'm sorry you have days like that, I am continually amazed by your strength and faith.
Your new header is so beautiful.
God Bless!

trennia said...

I understand...know matter if we go to the store, wrap gifts,take pictures it seems there is
someone(s) always missing and the wound of our hearts get the scabs pulled off so easliy that they will never heal.(((HUGS)))

Rebecca said...

The 'family' outings get me too.

It just feels like someone is missing and that's because someone IS.

So hard.

Laurie in Ca. said...

My heart hurts for you Kristy and no words I say here can help the pain you live with daily. But I do want you to know that I love you and am praying you through moment by moment. It is all I can do, yet to do nothing would just be wrong. Much love and many hugs to you sweetie.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Trisha Larson said...

I am fighting the same fight right now. Trying to be joyous and yet my heart still aches for Nate. It's a rough life. Most people don't understand just how rough it is on holidays or taking family photos. Someone is always missing. They don't see that. But we always know.

Big hugs to you. I hope that you find joy today!


Cheryl said...

So many times my heart hurts...the kids drawing their "family" for a school project, setting the table, absence of a carseat, crib gone in the room, toys no longer there. Some days these things seem more unbearable than others.

The picture thing is so sad for me too. I am wondering if I should have one of the children hold up a picture of Caleb when I take our "family" picture, because it is not our family (as a whole) without him.

I, like Trennia, feel like the scab gets pulled off so many times. The hurt will never fully heal, but over time it will hopefully get a little "softer".

God will carry us through, as he has proven so many times in the past.

May you find peace and comfort on this windy road before us.

With love and hope,

Devin said...

I can so understand this Kristy...I think anyone who has lost a child can. I pray for your heart everyday, but healing, I'm pretty sure, isn't fully complete until we get to heaven.

On a different note, the new pics are beautiful, and I LOVE the new look of the blog. Perfect for this time of year! I love the leaves with the boys' names on them--awesome way to make sure they are included. :)

R said...

I'm so sorry. I don't know if this is true for you but for me it sometimes seems as if the hard days now are more dibilitating than they were a year ago (though I'm not so foolish as to think they're harder to deal with than the days right after my loss). You're right- they come out of the blue sometimes and I think those days are especially hard for me because I don't have the ability to prepare my heart.
Peace & love to you!

connie said...

I think one of the things I appreciate most about you is your honesty. I'm sorry it's always this hard. But I am grateful for your honest sharing of your life, and admitting that joy in your children who are with you doesn't negate the grieving for the ones who are not.

Unknown said...

AMEN on the family not being complete this side of heaven. You know what? You could have EIGHT children and you would still not feel complete, because you should have TEN.

It sucks. It just sucks. I struggle with this so much.

I dreamt last night I got a negative pregnancy test, and I was just sobbing and sobbing and sobbing...and then I realized that the sadness wasn't about the test at all, but about who I miss...

zanesmommy said...

Kristy, How bitter sweet that Hope's dedication was the two year anniversary. Praying for you and how true, nothing this side of Heaven will ever redeem what we lost. I heard something today that is so true. To a believer in Christ Earth is the closest thing to Hell we will ever know, for the nonbeliever Earth is the closest thing to Heaven they will know. Makes me long for Heaven all the more.