Today...

My heart is still aching...the wounds of Isaac's death are fresh in my mind as I anticipate the birth of my new son. I have so many questions but the reality is right now I MUST wait for answers. I will have another scan on December 18th. We pray that this scan shows major brain development. I pray that this baby is completely healed. Many of the answers I want will not come until birth. Sonograms are limited. I know that this is in God's hands and he will work it out for our good. I will love and cherish this child no matter what package he comes in. Continuing to trust god in the midst of painful and seemingly unjust circumstances is the only way for survival and victory. I know that when I no longer know what to say or how to pray that the Holy Spirit takes over for me and these prayers move the hand of God.

We have to go through difficult and painful circumstances to become more like Jesus. Hebrews 5:8 says that "although he was a son, He learned obedience through what he suffered." In becoming more christlike it is often a painful process. I have heard it described this way...Imagine clay when it is pressed into a mold. There is always excess clay and some must be pushed out and trimmed off. Imagine if clay had feelings...this is what it is like to be molded in Christ's likeness.

So, each and every day I am hurting and confused. I am using my energy to care for myself, my family and this baby. I must surround myself with positive people who will support our decisions and will understand. If you are a friend of mine and you are reading this...please DON'T be afraid to call or ask about the situation. I guarantee I am already thinking about the baby. I feel like everyone is afraid to talk about him because no one wants to hurt my feelings but the truth is that he is just as much my child as Luke, Isaac, or Ben and my love for him is deep and true. My heart is aching but I know this is not over yet! Please pray for us, and continue to be my friend. I am the same person just hurting a little more these days and I need my friends now more than ever. We are going to need an army to get through this and I pray that a healthy baby is the end result! Help me to stay focused and positive. Send prayers and scripture my way. I need to surround myself in faith because that is the only thing that can get us through this!

The next appointment...

We left very early in the morning to be in Pittsburgh on time and continued to hope and pray that the baby was just fine. I was nervous but knew God had this in control.

At 10 they called me in to begin the scan. These tests just make me sick! I think it is horrible to sit for 30 minutes with a tech who is probing and measuring but cannot tell you a thing! The tech was great. She explained everything. She told us that the baby's head seemed to be measuring just fine and that everything looked okay to her. Before she went to get a doctor she said that she did not see any major abnormalities other than the nuchal fold seemed a bit thick but that it wasn't necessarily an issue. We breathed a sigh of relief.

THEN...the doctor came in. She was very cold and abrupt. She scanned my belly for a few minutes before sitting down and asking what we already knew. Which was basically NOTHING. She put her hand on my knee and said..."Your baby has significant issues" from what I see I see that the baby's brain is measuring quite small, he has a clubfoot and a small hole in his heart. There is obviously something going on here and it may be chromosomal. I am referring you to genetics where you will meet with a counselor to discuss further testing. I am so sorry. And she left....I despised this woman. I shut down completely. She treated my baby just as another case. Significant issues?? What does that mean? We are talking about my son! Not some fetus! I wanted answers but was feeling so shut down I didn't want to talk to anyone!