He's Got the Whole World

Tonight Howard and I watched a video sermon of Andy Stanley, a pastor from North Point Community church in Georgia. We enjoy his books and messages and since we missed church this morning due to severe Albion Fair hangover and a case of pink eye we thought we would have a little church right here at home.

I digress, the sermon we watched was titled "He's *Still Got the Whole World in His Hands." It was encouraging to me. It didn't seem like a pastor up on a stage, preaching to those in unimaginable circumstances with cliches and fast fixes, or just believe it because it is. It was compassionate and thought provoking.

He spoke about how most often God uses extreme brokenness in this life for the most remarkable things. I often have people come up to me and ask how I go on living after losing two of my sweet children, or tell me how brave or strong I am because I do continue to put one foot in front of the other. I am here to tell you my friends, I am neither brave nor strong. God is. There have been SO many moments in my life thus far where the hand of God seems a miss. He seems completely absent, and yet I know beyond a shadow of a doubt He is there.

There is nothing even remotely remarkable about me. I am ordinary, I am a sinner, and I fail miserably and yet God continues to love me. He picks me up dusts me off and uses me as only He can. When life began to spin out of control on that July day in 2005, the day of Isaac's birth I never for one minute could begin to comprehend how a God who supposedly loved ME could allow such intense pain and heartache into my life and to be honest I still wrestle with it a little. How could he take my little boy from me as I wept and prayed over him? How could he allow that little guy to come into the world only drift back out of it six days later? What was the point? Then to get the diagnosis of our Asher in November of 2007 after being told that we had no reason to be concerned about losing another baby I hit a low. I felt targeted, I felt lost and abandoned.

After Isaac died it took me a while to catch my breath, but I did and I regained my footing, and I put my trust in the only One who could bring beauty from the pain I was living with. To get hit with another such loss seemed like a low blow. I honestly began to question everything. The world was spinning and I was standing still I knew nothing for certain anymore and God? Heck what kind of God would allow such things? And yet again I caught my breath. Then we were pregnant again, there was question about our new baby girl's 18 week sonogram and her brain and head size, then her diagnosis of EB and currently difficult finances. All of these things are stressful, they cause confusion and uncertainty. Yet one thing remains certain. Our God is NEVER uncertain. He works all things for the good of those who love him...eventually. :)

In today's world EVERYTHING seems so uncertain. He is the only constant we can cling to. In those times when all seems lost, can you still put your hope and trust in the One who loves you with a passion you cannot even imagine? How has your faith changed or been stressed in your times of darkness?

In a broken world filled with such uncertainty isn't it just comforting to know that there will ALWAYS be one constant?... He does STILL have the whole world in His hands.

Spinning

Well it has been my experience in the past that God is seldom early, yet he is never late to act on our behalf. We are approaching a big financial deadline in our life and there has been no change in the situation as of yet. I will be honest, I have been a complete mess for the past few days worrying about all of this. I have prayed and prayed and prayed.

I am by nature a worrier. I used to say that "I came by it honestly" as my mother was a worrier, my grandmother was a worrier and my great grandmother was a worrier. I figured for a long time that it was genetic. Something I had no control over so I worried non stop.

I have since learned that worry really IS a choice. Unfortunately it is still a bad choice I make many days. It IS hard to overcome it, but God tells us not to worry and when we choose to allow worry to overtake a situation, we are being disobedient and really, we all know it doesn't help anything.

When I tell you I have been a mess in the past few days, I mean a M.E.S.S. I have literally made myself sick. I have been unable to pull it together long enough to have a coherant conversation let alone be the wife and mom my husband and kids need. I regressed, I let my guard down and the flood of worry rushed in taking over my whole mind.

I have had many offer advice, some wonder why I don't just get a job to help our situation and the truth is, because I don't believe that is what God wants it may allieviate a small portion of the financial stress but it would cause a whole different set of stressors. I feel VERY strongly that the Lord has called me to be home with my children, to train them up in the way they should go and provide an environment for my little family where everyone can thrive, and I LOVE my job,I have never been happier in any position.

I never thought I would be a stay at home mom, I mean I DO have a college degree, and yet life experience has taught me so much more than that degree ever could. I have a better perspective on what is important and in recent times have become more and more convicted about my place being here at home. It may not be the right decision for everyone, but I do feel I am doing what the Lord is calling me to do and I have to believe He will honor that and in turn provide for our every need.

Last night in a moment of self pity and despair, a good friend reminded me again of what matters in this life and that is my loving husband and our three "beauties" (though the boys would likely not be thrilled with her choice of words.) she is right. 100% right. We have been blessed, we are a strong family unit and the love in this house is incredible, we have been through the ringer together and we will make it through whatever comes next as a team and I LOVE that.

I have spent the day without the TV or distractions (I mean aside from caring for an infant and three year old) and have really tried to focus on God and what He would want me to do in this current situation and I know he is calling me to stand by Howard, support him in any way I can, be a wise steward of our money, teach our children to walk in the light and shine the light where ever they go, enjoy the blessings he has poured out upon us, and to ultimately trust in Him. Worry is really a sin. It is a lack of trust and I need to let go. God is not surprised by any of the details of our life, he has orchestrated it all and he will see us through.

It has been our experience that he always shows up at the exact moment when all seems lost, not a MOMENT sooner, and I anticipate He will not fail us now. We never know what it may look like, but he shows up. Sometimes it is hard to see, hard to feel and it hurts, but He is there. This situation is no different. He WILL pull us through. He will provide.

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:25-34

These verses have provided a reminder to me (thanks Corinne) of what God wants for us. He does not want us to waste one moment of this life he has gifted us with in worry. He does not want us to "spin" and spinning is exactly what I have been doing, round and round and round until I am so dizzy I can no longer see the straight and narrow. I have been feeling defeated and low and Satan is attacking on all sides. He has found footing and he is using it to inch his way in and I am taking a stand. God WILL provide. He WILL. He keeps his promises. Worrying won't change a thing, at least not for the good, prayer on the other hand, while it may not change the course God has us set on will change hearts, and I am praying for a change of heart, from worry to complete trust. I am certain it is a decision I am going to have to make each day, likely multiple times a day, but each time it sneaks in my goal is to lay it at His feet and not turn right back around to pick it back up. ( I do that A LOT, I hand it over only to quickly take it back, I tend to be a control freak like that) but it has me spinning my wheels and I am done spinning. I am standing.

Will you please stand with me in prayer? Will you join me in making the choice to stop the worry in your own life? If you have a situation in your own life that you are finding yourself overcome by worry about please feel free to comment or email, I would love to support you in walking this journey with me. One step at a time, moment by moment it can be done, worry is not inborn or even acceptable.

Sinking In

Last night I was lying in bed and Howard came in to read before going to sleep. He asked how I was doing as I had just showered and not re-emerged to finish our Wii game. I looked at him and said, "Howard, there is a chance that this baby might live." the words just spilled out and then came the tears. He looked at me bewildered and said "Yes, Kristy, this baby is going to live. It sounds to me like someone has been feeding you lies" It had just hit me. I had been living the past twenty one weeks telling God that if He again chose to take my baby to Heaven that I would trust and willingly give them over despite how badly I wanted to keep them, preparing myself for that, never thinking about the idea that He might allow this baby to remain a part of our family here on Earth, just not allowing myself to go there.

I struggle with the idea of hope. We use the word freely. "I hope the results are good." "I hope we get to go on vacation." " I hope we get to sleep tonight." We use the word when we don't fully expect something to happen but we want it to. The word hope in the Bible is used differently. It is used as a word to describe something we fully believe but cannot see.

I fully believe that God has a plan for my life. I fully believe that that plan is good. I have struggled with the idea of hoping for a healthy baby. When I use the word hope in that context I have been using the worldly definition of the word hope. I truly want this baby to be healthy, yet in all honesty, I am not confident that it is truly what will happen. I am still struggling with that. I mean God has allowed two of my children to die in my arms. Why would he spare me this time? There is no indication that anything is wrong, I know God is doing something new, that is certain. Each of my children have been a new blessing from God. Each of them similar yet so different. I know this baby will be no exception to that. I am just not sure how to be confident that God will allow me to bring this baby home. I am certainly not exempt from more suffering.

I am still keenly aware of the fact that NONE of us know what tomorrow holds. We just have to trust God and keep living for Him. I will admit though I am feeling reassured and the possibility of bringing a little one home this spring makes my heart leap for joy, I am allowing myself to begin to dream of all things newborn. I am praying that the next ultrasound on February 23 (the day after Asher's birthday) goes as well. I am so very grateful that they were able to see and measure the brain structures and other vital organs. As for the gender...really, and in all honesty...it just doesn't matter. I know that God knows what is best for our family. Should He bless us with a fifth son I will be just as excited as if he chooses to bless us with our first daughter.



The truth is that I LOVE being the mommy to boys. I also love being the only girl in the house. That said, I would love to have a Cabbage Patch Doll in the house and play Barbies (though the teenage girl part...scares me a little, okay, a lot). If I got to choose boy or girl...I am not sure I even could. So I am okay with waiting, that part will reveal itself in time whether at the next scan or not until birth, we are just thrilled that this baby is growing and developing on track. We have found out the gender of each of our children through ultrasound but we are well aware of the fact that finding out the gender is not the purpose of ultrasound nor should it be.

Regardless of what the future holds, we know God is sovereign over all of it. He knows what is best for us and we are just trusting in his plan. Thank you all so much for praying for us. I am overwhelmed every day by the number of people loving and praying for our family. I am so thankful for each of you.

"I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!" My future is in your hands. Psalm 31:14-15

I am so glad that this scripture is true.

As We Wait Upon the Lord

I have been thinking a lot lately about the idea of waiting. Patience, has not always, OK, ever, been my strong suit. I like to have a plan laid out before me...I do not like having to wait to see what is next. This is something that right now, I feel the Lord is really trying to change in me. He is showing me that walking by faith, means sometimes not seeing the road ahead, but forging onward anyway, because that is where He is leading.

This pregnancy is really really really showing me that I must wait upon the Lord and then take the next step. Months ago we were wondering how God would have us grow our family, we were praying about what He wanted us to do, and we found out we were expecting a baby! There is an answer! :-) Since then it has been one day at a time. I am not very good at one day at a time, but I am learning. I am learning to take each day for what it is and count my blessings. I know that for today I have a wonderful husband, two great kids on earth, two in heaven and one who is growing well inside my body. For that I will rejoice.

I do not know what tomorrow brings, and for today, I need only to think of the cares of today. After our last ultrasound it was really tough for me to walk out of that office and rejoice that for today things look great, I wanted to just tuck that away knowing that the next scan may say something completely different. But, that is not what God is calling me to do. He is calling me to rejoice in EVERY little thing, every little blessing, knowing that though I do not know what tomorrow holds, that He has walked before me and has created this path. He has plans for me and they are good. That is all I need to know.

Today as I stood in our church worship center singing "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord" tears began welling up in my eyes. Sometimes He grows our strength not by doing, but simply by waiting. "He is the everlasting God" he doesn't grow tired, but we do and so sometimes he calls us simply to wait while he acts in his time.

As I think about the knowledge I have from His word I think of all of those in the Biblical record who have been called to wait. Waiting for the Lord to act in a seemingly impossible situation is an act of faith. Waiting for the Lord to act is not easy. It is tough, but I think it is necessary to strengthen our faith. By waiting on the Lord, we are admitting that we need Him, that we need His help, and that we cannot do it on our own.

Wait for the LORD; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14

Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. Isaiah 40:31

What I find myself needing to remember is that each step of my life has been planned, all of my days have been ordained, by One who knows so much better than I, and when I fail to wait and I move forward on my own timeline, I am often setting myself back. God is calling me to humble myself, submitting to Him, admitting that His ways are better than my own and sometimes pride and impatience get in my way.

I think many times I have failed this test...I have yearned to know what is next, I have mistaken God asking me to wait, for His silence, ambivalence, or inaction. I don't see Him working so I grow impatient with his "inactivity" and I take matters into my own hands, trying to make life work on my own. This only sends me further backward. I feel like in this season of my life this is something he is really trying to cultivate in me. A patience, a humbling of myself to wait upon him however long that may take. To rejoice in today's blessings and not worry about tomorrow.

I suppose that is my New Year's resolution in a way. Just to wait. To wait upon Him, the One who knows all. The one who created me for a specific purpose, I will wait on Him so that I can be used for that purpose.

I would love to hear about times that maybe you have or haven't waited when you should have and how you may have been blessed by your waiting or set back by not waiting. You are welcome to email me at boltefamily@windstream.net or just leave a comment!

A new day...

Each day I find that my feelings are just a bit different. We got up and went to church this morning and I found myself having a difficult time praising God. I am still having a bit of anger toward him. I know that this baby is a blessing and I have been ultra blessed in my life but I want this baby to be healthy. As I stood there reflecting and crying amidst the praise music I realized that what I may be getting so angry with God for may first of all not even be an issue. It isn't over yet, and God may heal this little guy and there is always the slight chance that the doctors are wrong.

Then came the sermon and today the sermon was about prayer and it really put things into persepective for me. I pray continually that God will heal this baby. See, I have been confused as to what to pray for. I know God CAN heal him and I know the Bible says that we should ask and expect God to answer. I struggle with that because I know that my plan may not be the same as God's plan. I have been a witness to that before. Today I learned that it is okay to pray for both. I can pray for God to heal our baby and I can also turn myself over to His plan and submit to whatever comes our way knowing that the blessing is that I am not in control and my plan does not matter. God has it under control and it will all work out for good. That is not to say that I don't still struggle with this idea, I mean sometimes I think to myself, I already lost one child and endured unbearable heartache and overcome it, so I have paid my dues! But I know that is not how God works. We are all a work in progress and I am no exception. Yes, we came through the trials and tribulations of yesterday but that doesn't mean that the battle is over. So, today I submit, "God my life is your life and I pray that you work in me and through me whatever will bring you glory. I pray that you allow us to give birth to a healthy happy baby, but if that is not your plan I know that what ever you bring us to you will bring us through. Use our family, we submit to your perfect plan."

I will rejoice in today because for today I still have hope. For today I am the mother to two healthy happy boys here, one in heaven and one performing a miracle inside my body. None of us know what tomrorow brings so I will rejoice in today! We are very excited to have been chosen to be the parents of this special little boy no matter what and we know that God chose us to be his parents because we are the perfect people to love him JUST the way he NEEDS to be loved!

Howard has named him Happy! He is convinced that this little guy will be born happy and will make everyone around him happy...therefore Happy. I have tried to argue that Happy is not a name but he throws Happy Gilmore in my face and it is difficult to argue with that, not that Happy Gilmore is someone you want to name your child after.

So friends...continue to pray for us and for Happy! We are praying for a healthy little boy but also for God to use us how he sees fit. The control lies within Him!

Today...

My heart is still aching...the wounds of Isaac's death are fresh in my mind as I anticipate the birth of my new son. I have so many questions but the reality is right now I MUST wait for answers. I will have another scan on December 18th. We pray that this scan shows major brain development. I pray that this baby is completely healed. Many of the answers I want will not come until birth. Sonograms are limited. I know that this is in God's hands and he will work it out for our good. I will love and cherish this child no matter what package he comes in. Continuing to trust god in the midst of painful and seemingly unjust circumstances is the only way for survival and victory. I know that when I no longer know what to say or how to pray that the Holy Spirit takes over for me and these prayers move the hand of God.

We have to go through difficult and painful circumstances to become more like Jesus. Hebrews 5:8 says that "although he was a son, He learned obedience through what he suffered." In becoming more christlike it is often a painful process. I have heard it described this way...Imagine clay when it is pressed into a mold. There is always excess clay and some must be pushed out and trimmed off. Imagine if clay had feelings...this is what it is like to be molded in Christ's likeness.

So, each and every day I am hurting and confused. I am using my energy to care for myself, my family and this baby. I must surround myself with positive people who will support our decisions and will understand. If you are a friend of mine and you are reading this...please DON'T be afraid to call or ask about the situation. I guarantee I am already thinking about the baby. I feel like everyone is afraid to talk about him because no one wants to hurt my feelings but the truth is that he is just as much my child as Luke, Isaac, or Ben and my love for him is deep and true. My heart is aching but I know this is not over yet! Please pray for us, and continue to be my friend. I am the same person just hurting a little more these days and I need my friends now more than ever. We are going to need an army to get through this and I pray that a healthy baby is the end result! Help me to stay focused and positive. Send prayers and scripture my way. I need to surround myself in faith because that is the only thing that can get us through this!

The next several days...

Over the next few days my emotions teetered. One moment I was filled with hope and knew that God would bless me with a healthy baby, even if we had medical issues or disabilities to overcome I would give it everything I had because of my love for God and for this new son. Other times, I just wanted to hide. I barely talked to anyone because no one knows what to say to me. No one wants to call and bother us. Sometimes I felt alone and depressed. My mother ended up committing suicide when I was nine. Some say that she never got over the loss of my stillborn brother. My father and my grandma called to be sure I wasn't going over the edge myself.

I am angry, angry that there are these questions fogging my pregnancy. This is supposed to be a joyous time for our family and we are riddled with stress and apprehension. I am angry that I asked for genetic counseling after Isaac was born and I was told it was unneccessary. I am angry about that until I realize if something had shown a genetic cause I may have never had Benjamin and he is such an amazing blessing! I realized that despite my anger and confusion, this was all out of my control. This was in fact how God had planned things to go. As difficult as this road may be this is the one I must travel. I am a mom and I love my children and I want to believe with every ounce of my being that this will all turn out just fine, yet with every kick, I wonder if my eyes will ever meet the eyes of this little guy kicking me. I never did get to see Isaac's eyes. I do know that whatever happens that it will be great because God's plan is always great and though we don't see what he sees and we cannot understand, we have to give it to him. I am struggling to do that each and every day! Day by day and hour by hour I will make the most of the time I have with this amazing little guy. That is the reason for this blog. I want to remember this pregnancy and all of the ups and downs no matter what happens.

That night..

I was so glad to see Luke and Benjamin when we got back. I am so thankful to have such blessings in my life. They light up a room and make everything seem right again. I was so exhausted and we had so many people praying for us all day and waiting to hear the news and I was just plain too tired to deliver the news. I got home and took a nap. I then sent an email to friends and family explaining everything because I was to weary to go through the whole story over and over again.

I needed to stay positive and focus on taking care of myself and this life inside of me. This battle is far from over and I will not give up! I may only have the duration of this pregnancy to enjoy this gift God has bestowed on me but I am going to treat it with extreme reverance. While I know that this is entirely out of my control, I will do everything that is within my power to take care of and protect this unborn life! So in an act of self preservation, I wrote the email, ate dinner, played with the kids and we all went to bed!

The ride home...

The two hour ride home was mostly silent. I had so many thoughts rushing through my head. I am sure Howard did too. I read from a devotional we have been reading and the message was profound. The message was titled " A perfect plan" It used scripture fom Phillipians 1:6 - "And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ, developing and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you.

also

Ephesians 2: 10
"For we are God's handiwork, recreated in Christ Jesus, that we may do those good works which God predestined for us, that we should walk in them.

I began to think...as imperfect as I am and as this baby may be, God IS perfection. The plan he has for our lives IS perfect because he IS the Perfect Planner. We are to keep our eyes on Jesus and his ablility NOT our selves and our own disabilities. The book went on to say that as soon as we turn our attention and say "but wait, I am not perfect, I fail." We have taken our attention off of God and allowed Satan in to distract us with wrong thinking. Too often we cry to Jesus to heal us and to take care of our issues and deliver us from our problems, but we don't expect good things to happen. we allow our minds to dwell on the negative aspects.

As I sat in the car my mind kept steering toward the negative and I was constantly trying to pull it back. I truly with all of my heart believe that God CAN save my baby, but I am just not sure he will. I mean, he didn't before. I have been down this windy, painful road. I am just not sure what to think. I mean I believe in God's power but I know that our plan is not always His and so our prayers go unanswered. I believe that Isaac's six days on this earth made me a better person. I have a richer life for knowing the love I have for him, but the pain remains and still stings each and every day. No one WANTS to go through that again. I want a healthy baby and I know that that is what I need to pray for. But will God answer?

Losing Isaac

July 2007 marked the two year anniversary of our son Isaac's death. It also marked the first birthday of our son Benjamin. This year especially it was a bittersweet month for our family. We absolutely treasure the six days that Isaac graced us with his presence on this earth but I ache for him daily. I am also very aware of how blessed I have been in my life to also have two beautiful healthy boys at home. Until you experience the loss of a baby I don't think it is possible to fully understand the true miracle it is to have a healthy one.

My pregnancy with Isaac was uneventful and textbook. My my first son Luke was born 5 weeks early so around the 35 week mark I began the sprint toward preparing for our second son. At 37 weeks I went in for my routine appointment feeling like the day was drawing near. The appointment went well and at the end I asked the doctor if she could tell if the baby was head up or down because I had a distinct feeling that he was not in position. She agreed and decided to send me for an ultrasound to confirm my fear.

This particular ultrasound on July 14th 2005 would change my life forever and the way I would view an ultrasound. Until this point the ultrasound was a really neat way to get a good peek at the baby and it was so much fun seeing him squirm around. It made everything so real! This ultrasound proved to be different. The technician was especially quiet and she continued to try to measure the baby's head size. After about 20 minutes she explained that the baby seemed to have an abnormally small head and she could see fluid on his brain. We were being sent to meet with a doctor to discuss a c section immediately.

The meeting with the doctor is somewhat a blur to me. I heard what she said but was in shock. Howard and I were planning on going out for lunch together since we had a sitter for Luke and who knew when we would get the opportunity to enjoy eachother's company like that again for a while. Well this day there would be no lunch. We were taken immediately across the street to the hospital where they began prepping me for surgery. It was all so surreal. It was like the world was spinning out of control and I was standing still. Everything was moving so fast that my mind just could not comprehend what was happening. We were told to be prepared for the baby to be flown to a nearby hospital for proper care and that my husbad would go with him. I would be ALONE and without my baby.

The baby was born and I heard no cry. They told me that they were takin him to the NICU for evaluation and they would take very good care of him. I was sewn up and taken to recovery. Howard got to go and be with the baby while I sat and cried silently. I could not sob. If I tried it felt as though my body was being ripped in half.

Soon the OB and the neonatologist came in and told me that it did not look good and they would not be transporting the baby because there was nothing that could be done. I needed to think about what kind of measures I wanted to be taken to care for the baby. They explained that for some reason the baby's brain quit developing around 21 weeks and he did not have enough brain tissue to be able to function normally. They explained that he was blind and deaf and that they were not sure if he would make it through the hour, day, week or month. Howard and I were both just completely shocked.

Two weeks prior Howard and I had been baptized and decided to take our relationship with Jesus one step farther. I could not understand how a loving and compassionate God could allow such things to happen. If this was what it meant to have a relationship with Jesus, I wanted no part! He was a traitor! I shut down for most of the day and told everyone that I didn't want to see anyone not even the baby. Around 8 o'clock that evening a nurse came in and started moving me to a wheelchair. She explained that she was taking me to see my baby. I told her that I didn't want to go and she kindly ignored my pleas. She said he was amazing and I needed to see him. She wheeled me to the NICU and she sure was right! He was a sight for sore eyes. He was perfect! He had the most amazing head full of thick shiny soft dark hair, it was like fur! He was the most precious thing I had ever seen. I held him and I sobbed. My dreams for him dying with him.

I had told myself that if I just didn't hold him, I would not love him and it wouldn't hurt so much when he left me. I could not have been more wrong. I loved him already. We were bonded. I had felt him for nine months moving inside of me. We had a deep connection that I could not deny. I loved him more passionately that I could have ever imagined and my heart was breaking at the thought of being left on this earth without him in my arms. He was my son. My Isaac Matthew.

We spent six long days caring for him in the NICU and on the sixth day when we arrived in the morning the nurse came to me and explained that she firmly believed that he had waited for us. His vitals were dropping and they were losing him. We had chosen not to have drastic measures taken to prolong his life. We knew God was in control and we wanted his will for our son no matter how much it hurt us. I ran out of the room and threw up while a nurse held my hair. I did not want to see him. I was terrified. I could not see my baby struggle or suffer. I wanted to run away. But my wonderful husband brought our son to me and I am so grateful for those last moments with Isaac. I was so blessed to be there when this amazing gift came into my life and I was there as he quietly drifted out. We held him and talked to him. The doctor came in and checked his heart. It had stopped. They told us we could keep him as long as we needed and to let them know when we wanted them to take him. We said our goodbyes. We knew that Isaac no longer lived in his earthly body and we handed him over.

I left the hospital that day, July 20 2005, the most painful day of my life. I went into the hospital to have a baby and I was going home empty handed. I felt angry, cheated and betrayed. My body ached, my milk was coming in and it all reminded me of what I was missing. Thankfully because of my wonderful husband, son, family and friends we made it through this season of our life and though we still miss Isaac each and every day we know we will be with him again. He was a gift to us. A perfect gift from God. For some reason, God knew that we could love baby Isaac like no one else and he entrusted us to be his parents. I am eternally grateful for that opportunity.