Ben's Party Highlights

It turned out to be a lovely day. We had good food and fun with some good friends. Thank you to all who came! The best part was that we set everything up while Ben was napping so when he woke up he was shaking with excitement as I brought him out and there was a whole party waiting for him! It was so sweet.

Thank you God for Ben, he is such a beacon of light in our home. He makes us smile even when smiling seems near impossible. I am positive that you gave him to us knowing how his little self would minister to us in our greatest time of need. My prayer is that he grows up with a fire for you as bright as his amazing red hair! I know you have great things in store for this little man and I am so thankful you chose us to be his family!

OOOHHH Pwesents!

It took forever! In fact we are not done yet as he insists on ripping just tiny pieces off at a time!

Luke and his bff Kylie

MMMMM Good cake!

It is tough when it is your brother's birthday and NOT yours!

(Hopefully his face won't freeze like that)

But WHY can't I just have at it?

My Grandpa Perry

(would you believe he is over 80?)

Me, my dad, and baby Fionn

No family resemblance here!

Backyard fun!

The swingset you see is what we got both boys collectively for their birthdays as they need NOTHING! Luke insists that "daddy built a park at our home" He is now the proud owner of a park!

airplane favors

Chef Daddy

Family Photo!

Impressive technique Joe!

Ben wanted to "Dive" in!

Check Out This Cake!

We decided to cut corners and try to make our own cake for Ben's party today...I baked cupcakes and frosted over them and my AMAZING husband did the decorating! We
are quite pleased with the result...at less than half of what we would have paid to have one made! Just another entry for the list of reasons why I love Howard, he is a cake decorator too!!

Benjamin Oliver Bolte

God's gift to the Bolte Family, July 27, 2006
8lb 6oz
21 inches

One Year Pictures

3 months


2 months

9months

Changed...

The Spirit of the LORD will come upon you in power, and you will prophesy with them; and you will be changed into a different person. 1 Samuel 10:5-7

Today I have done a bit of reflecting. I have given great thought to the person I was even five years ago and the person I am now. I would say that five years ago I knew about God, I didn't know Him. I had religion, but not a relationship. As I look back and think about the person I was during those times it is remarkable to me to compare the way I am turning out. It is funny really. Things I SWORE I would never do, I am finding myself doing.

Today after getting Ben down for his nap, I went outside to the garden Howard had planted to pick some of the veggies that were ready for harvest! As I was picking peppers with Luke I thought back to a conversation I had with a friend years ago. I remember the conversation vividly. She had asked if we planted a garden at our house, I replied with a chuckle and said "Isn't that why we have stores?" Why on earth would I want to work so hard for something I could go to the store and buy? It made no sense to me.

It is interesting to me that as I have become closer with God, I have taken delight in the miracle of planting a seed. As Luke and I picked the vegetables from the garden today we talked about how amazing it is that you plant a seed and you get such great vegetables. Luke was so excited about the garden he shook with glee. He had helped plant these things and was now reaping what he sowed. He proudly ate a pepper right off of the plant exclaiming how it was the best pepper he had ever eaten.

Then the land will yield its harvest, and God, our God, will bless us. Psalm 67:5-7

Our bountiful harvest

We are blessed. It was the coolest feeling to bring in armloads of food that we had grown for our family. It was amazing to behold the goodness of God. He had blessed us with tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, squash, banana peppers, and zucchini. I held the vegetables in my hand and marveled at the idea that this good food came from a simple seed, that God in all of his creativity had conjured up the idea that we would plant a seed in the ground, care for it and food would come from it! Amazing! God is so good and so present in everything!

Another change that I have found taking place in me this year is my thought on schooling. Don't get me wrong, I am a teacher, my husband is a teacher and I think education is SUPER important. Knowledge is vital. But as the year draws near for my own child to go to school I find myself questioning things I swore I would never question. I would NEVER be one of "those" moms. The kind who is over involved or picks her child's teacher or (gasp) home schools.

Luke will be 5 in August. Yes, he could go to Kindergarten this year, but we had decided long ago not to send him until he turned 6. He is a super smart kid and so capable of handling it, but I just see no hurry. As a teacher I could always tell which kids were the younger and though they were often very bright, it often caught up to them when adolescence hit. As far as I can see, it cannot hurt to keep Luke and enjoy him one more year. He will have 13 years to go to school.

I also always swore I would never be one of those "homeschooling moms" I worked in a public school, Howard works in a public school and it was good enough for both of us so it will certainly be good enough for our kids, and I am not saying that that home school is the path we are choosing, but as the time has come I completely see the appeal, I completely understand why it is so important to many families and I can fully appreciate that. I now can fully understand how when done right, homeschooling could be an amazing blessing for the entire family. What a rich experience that could be for all who are involved! That said, I also see immense importance in school.

I have wrestled for weeks about sending Luke to preschool. I know it is only preschool, but anymore it is about the same as choosing a college. :-) After much prayer and deliberation, I have decided at least for this year, Luke will be staying home. I will school him in whatever he needs here. He will get hands on life experience with me. We will still be able to live by our fly by the seat of our pants schedule and when the mood strikes we will up and go to the zoo or go play in a creek. We love that life, we love being together and I am coming to learn there is great value in that. Next year we will re-evaluate and see what we think is best for then.

I have already experienced other moms thinking I am nutty for skipping preschool, thinking I will put Luke at a disadvantage, my view is not really a popular one and I am okay with that. Kids just don't get to be kids anymore. I am certainly not saying preschool is a bad thing...I just don't think it is for us. I am not ready to share my Luke just yet. :-) I have some more equipping to do before I send him into the world! All families are different and no one knows what a child needs better than a parent, I need to learn to trust my instinct as a mom, we all make the decisions that are best for our own children and for some that is school and others maybe not.

I just think it is interesting that as I become more in tune to God's prompting and am going deeper in relationship with him that my thoughts and views are changing drastically, I am literally becoming a different person, a person I like a whole lot better. There is such beauty in growing a garden and growing children. They are both such gifts, such amazing miracles. I just want to revel in every moment, and enjoy the good gifts my Father has given.

How Thirsty Are You?

"How blessed are those who are hungry and thirsty for righteousness, because it is they who will be satisfied!" Matthew 5:6

While at the Deeper Still Conference one of the things that has really stuck with me was something Kay Arthur said. She said, "We should hunger and thirst for God's word above ALL else." This really got me thinking. This is an area in which I REALLY lack. Yes, I read my daily devotionals and I dabble with the Bible a bit, but a hunger, a thirst, not so much. If we truly hunger for God's word we should dive into that above all else, before watching TV, before surfing the Internet, before reading other books, before doing ANYTHING else.

I have let myself off pretty easy the past few years. I have told myself that I am excused from digging deep into God's word because I am a busy mom. I have young children. I don't have time. Yet, I always find time for TV, the Internet, and many other things that take up parts of my day. I feel a void in my life so I try desperately to fill it with whatever seems good at the time and yet I always still feel empty.

If I have to cut something out of my day, often time it is my devotional time or quiet time that gets put by the wayside. The thing is, I am beginning to realize that if I make time for that FIRST everything else falls into place. Life is so uncertain, so much happens day to day that really throws our day out of whack. But not God's word, His word is steadfast. After a hard day instead of thirsting for TV to tune out, maybe I need to be thirsting for God's unchanging, living word and tune in.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God...Psalm 42:2

This is actually what I have been trying to do. I have since that conference tried to do a better job of submerging myself in God's amazing word. I have plastered verses all over everything that sits still in my house (though maybe my children would be great billboards too). I have learned that a simple tub crayon writes verses nicely on mirrors and windows, even fish tanks. :-) Luke is memorizing verses beautifully, he cannot read but if he sees one on the mirror he asks us to read it as he brushes his teeth.

We all have that void, that thirst yet we all try to fill it with ALL the wrong things. Sometimes I will make a commitment to be in the Bible every day and I do well for a few days and then I skip a day. Well then it is like a diet, you eat an Oreo, you might as well eat the whole package. (or is that just me) So I chalk it up to failure and just give up. That doesn't even make sense but that is what I do...

So....all of that said, I have really been in prayer about this and God is moving. I believe he is calling me to start a women's Bible study. I believe he is calling me to go even deeper and to really study the Bible. I am thinking of using one of the Beth Moore studies since she has been an instrument in all of this. So if any of you out there that live in the Erie area are interested in diving in to the Bible and growing in your relationship with our Savior, I would love to have you. I am still ironing out the details, but need to know who is interested before figuring out the rest. So if you are interested jot me an email! I am super excited about this!

Not that kind of news, and prayer requests.

*********Update*******
Thanks for your prayers, the basement is going to be fine. Just a minor stream running through which is now drying up. No major deal!


Ok, just to squelch any rumors that are starting, he plans I spoke of that God has for me do not include pregnancy, at least not yet. :-)

I had many things I wanted to share with you tonight, but due to some serious rain I have to tend to a wet basement (yes, again). So if you could just pray for that situation for us right now that would be great...it always tends to cause tension in our home as the guys who did our basement did not do such a great job.

We have Big Ben's birthday party on Sunday here so this is the LAST thing I needed today! Oh well, it is all temporary! But we sure could use your prayers! I love you all and hope you are keeping dry!

Five months ago today!

Happy five month birthday son!

"Watch yourselves so that you don't lose what we have worked for, but you may receive a full reward." 2 John 8



I sit here tonight reflecting on life at this point and am astounded. I am astounded that God chose me for this. I am learning that he did not choose us because because he thought we were equipped to deal with any of this but because he would equip us along the way. I have had several of you email me WONDERFUL, encouraging messages. Many of you have listened to my testimony using the link I had provided earlier. I am astounded at the response, I am praising God that my boys are bringing others closer to their Creator! I am so excited, especially since that is only part of the story, that is the story as of a year ago and OH how God has worked in our family this past year!



I have spent the past few months in a bit of a fog. I have been hearing Satan's whispers and I have been listening to him. I have been listening as he whispers to me telling me that when I have a good day, I am forgetting my sons, I am forgetting to be sad, I should be sad, two of my boys are dead. I have been feeling this enormous weight bearing down on me lately, a weight that despite my effort I could not lift. I prayed and asked God to lift it and it seemed like he wasn't moving, and I heard Satan whisper, "He has forgotten you, what kind of God would do that? What kind of God would ask you to walk this path and then turn his back on you?"



I have been wrestling with those thoughts for quite some time. I have wondered why God seemed to be waiting to move. I have struggled with him and why a God who loves me so much would allow such pain to be inflicted upon me. Such a sense of loss, such emptiness, sadness, and doubt. I would love to sit here and tell you that Since our "Isaac experience" I have been changed and have been steadfast, but that would be an outright lie. I have to make a decision every single morning of my life to get into God's word and chose to believe that he has got this.



My trip to Atlanta with my "sistas" has taught me so much and brought me so far. They have been shining examples of God's grace. They are providing a support and love I could never have imagined. In many ways that trip was a new beginning for me. I feel closer to God than I have been in quite sometime. I had been feeling paralyzed with my grief and I am beginning to move again.

Today we took our kids on a pontoon boat ride on Lake Erie and spent a nice day with them, then I went to a Mom's night out with a few of my favorite MOPS moms. This was pretty huge for me. I have been finding safety in the comfort of my home and I have been believing that I should just hide out here because I make everyone feel so crazily uncomfortable. (These are also LIES that are certainly not coming from God). This week my prayer to God has been that I am able to break free from all of this, from the lies, the loneliness, the pain. Sitting at home and feeling bad is not going to bring glory to God or do my sons any justice.



It has been five months since I held sweet Asher in my arms and now more than ever I am just plain thankful. Thankful that I had that moment, thankful that God did choose us, thankful that I am learning to live in today not worrying about tomorrow. Tomorrow is never promised.



This may be too much information, but each morning as I get a shower and get ready for the day I have found it helpful to crank my ipod music in the bathroom. We have a little boombox that it connects to and so I rock out in the shower. Sometimes that is the only alone time with God that I get in a day. My shower playlist has consisted of three songs...these three songs were songs I had the pleasure to experience LIVE at Deeper Still. They are, Only the World, Shackles, and Voice of a Savior. All sung by the beautiful MANDISA! These songs have really ministered to me lately and helped me adjust my prayer life.



Today I am rejoicing that my sons are in Heaven with Jesus. Asher has been there for five months, I am sure he is having a wonderful five month birthday. Today I am beginning to feel the fog lift, the weight lightened, I am taking comfort knowing that "It's only the world", this is nothing compared to eternity. The eternity I will get to spend with ALL of my children! That has me excited. It has me looking more toward Heaven and less toward this earth, it has me wanting desperately to be used by God. God has trusted me with something so important, I have no right to stay in my house and hide out...I need to get out and get the WORD out! And I have plans, in my stillness, God has really been speaking, and I cannot wait to share with you what he is putting on my heart, but it will have to wait for another post! I love you ALL and thank you so much for supporting me and my family through the ups downs and inbetweens. Thank you for helping me to keep my eyes toward Heaven, thank you all for carrying me! Stay tuned! The best is yet to come!

July 20, 2008 Happy Heaven Day Isaac

I love that when Luke went to speak to Isaac to tell him he loved him he looked up and not down at the ground. He knows. He knows where Isaac is, you can tell by the look on his face!

How sweet is this? It is Luke praying for God to take good care of Isaac and Asher!

We still have eachother!

Luke yelling another message to his brothers.

Letting Go...

How does it smell Ben?

Probably the closest we will get to having a picture of all four boys, this side of Heaven.

This is Ben sharing, it is an occasion worthy of a photo!

Happy Heaven Day, Isaac! We love you and are so proud to be your family!

Daddy, I don't think six balloons will do it, you might be a bit too heavy!

Two red because Ben INSISTS red is Isaac's favorite color, two purple and two orange because Luke insists his favorite would be orange like mommy and two purple because Luke things Jesus likes purple.

Ben says Isaac's favorite color is red...so we picked up these awesome red daisies, three of them, one for each year.

Up up and away...on their way to Heaven...we sent six balloons, one for each day Isaac lived and also because there are six members of our family. Luke is confident Asher, Isaac and Jesus will care for our balloons until we can all be there to share them! Who could argue?

Wow, they sure go high!

Where's Ben?

Sermon From the Seats

********UPDATE**********
The song they did in the middle was Homesick, and at the end was Blessed Be Your Name both done by our church worship team.

In the middle I also shared a video we had done with Isaac's photos to the song "Sometimes Miracles Hide" as a sweet surprise Howard ended the video with me reading "I will love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be" from the books I read and recorded for Isaac. It is such an amazing video...I am trying to figure out how to get it on here....

If you are interested in my testimony as it stood a year ago go to http://mclanechurch.org/ then click on "Listen to the weekly sermon." then go to page 5 of those sermons and click on "True Human Stories Kristy" Remember this was the weekend I found out I was pregnant with Asher...

A Thick and Dreadful Darkness

A thick and dreadful darkness came over him. Genesis 15:12

This scripture comes from the book of Genesis from the story of Abraham. Abraham had just fallen asleep from sheer exhaustion from cares of his day and while he was sleeping he felt this dreadful, thick darkness come over his soul. I imagine it felt much like a nightmare only instead of being in his mind it was in his heart.

I cannot really imagine what Abraham must have been thinking at this time or how dark his darkness was, but I do know something of a thick and dreadful darkness. I do know something of sorrow and disappointment. I do know how hard it is to reconcile with a God who is fully capable to intervene and yet he chooses not to. I know what it is to wonder what God's justice looks like because I surely don't see it on earth. I wonder how a good and loving God could take a beloved child from a family who loves and cherishes him so much, who would raise him in the way he should go. I do know what it is to fall asleep from sheer exhaustion, mental, physical, emotional exhaustion. I know what it feels like to cry myself to sleep only to wake up frantically searching for my child who is nowhere to be found. I know what it is like to yearn to dream of my precious boys and wake from a nightmare where I am trying to save them yet cannot.

Tomorrow marks a lot of things for me. It marks three years since Isaac went to be with his Heavenly Father. It marks a year since I shared my testimony with our church in Isaac's memory, and it marks one year since I found out I was pregnant with Asher. One year ago I was preparing for my "Sermon from the Seat" I was going through my journal of what happened with Isaac and preparing to share his life with about a thousand people it was an immense task and I remember feeling very overwhelmed. It had occurred to me that pregnancy might be something I was dealing with on top of it all but I chalked it up to stress. The next day I took a test to be sure and two lines showed up. I had JUST relived my entire experience with Isaac and now was pregnant again, but the thought NEVER crossed my mind that my God would ever ask me to walk that path again.

I sit here tonight reflecting on all of those things. I sit here looking over the past few years of my life, it is strange to think that it really is my life. I feel like I have been wandering the wilderness for quite a while. I look back and can say that I am thankful for Isaac and for Asher. I am as thankful for those boys as I am for the two here with me on earth. I can remember after Isaac died feeling like I had been abandoned by God, I had been baptized just two weeks prior and here God was not holding up his end of the bargain. The thing is, he always holds up his end of the bargain. The thing is that he NEVER promises that we will not endure suffering, pain, disappointment, he promised he would walk the path with us, even when that path is through the valley of the shadow of death. He never leaves us. There are many times in the past few years that I have felt abandoned by God. Many times I have allowed Satan to whisper lies in my ears, and oh is he a sneaky one and he will fill our heads with lies any chance he gets.

I cannot say I am there yet, but I am learning, learning to turn my ear from those whispers and focus solely on God's. I am learning that with God, beauty can come from ashes, an ending can bring a beginning, life can be brought from death. I am learning that even when I feel alone, God is ALWAYS right there, always ever present in my hurt and wiping away my every tear. I am learning that God does not take suffering lightly. In many ways he bestows it upon us as a gift. He sent his son to suffer and die a death so horrible and yet look at the beauty that comes from Calvary. The beauty that God's love for us is so big that he would send his one and only son to die on a cross for our sins. For the sins of EVERY person on this earth because he loves us that much.

Shall I not drink from this cup the Father has given me? (John 18:10)

This is the cup the master has given. This is the cup I shall drink.

It is my prayer that God will use my suffering, use it for His glory. I cannot lie, I hurt, I ache, I feel a void in my heart that will NEVER be filled this side of Heaven and I have to every morning pray for the grace to get through that day. And every day he provides. He never provides an ounce more than I need though. Just enough for the day, just enough to make me fall on my face and pray for some more the next day. His grace is truly sufficient. This I am sure of. It is the only explanation for the fact that I function every day. I am trying hard to embrace it. To embrace my suffering and camp out here in the wilderness for a while. I have been trying so hard to work my way through it as quickly as possible and well,and like a hamster on a wheel, that just isn't working for me! So as uncomfortable as it makes me I will just rest here, in the wilderness as I am much safer in the wilderness with God than I am without Him on a mountaintop.