Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Five months ago today!

Happy five month birthday son!

"Watch yourselves so that you don't lose what we have worked for, but you may receive a full reward." 2 John 8

I sit here tonight reflecting on life at this point and am astounded. I am astounded that God chose me for this. I am learning that he did not choose us because because he thought we were equipped to deal with any of this but because he would equip us along the way. I have had several of you email me WONDERFUL, encouraging messages. Many of you have listened to my testimony using the link I had provided earlier. I am astounded at the response, I am praising God that my boys are bringing others closer to their Creator! I am so excited, especially since that is only part of the story, that is the story as of a year ago and OH how God has worked in our family this past year!

I have spent the past few months in a bit of a fog. I have been hearing Satan's whispers and I have been listening to him. I have been listening as he whispers to me telling me that when I have a good day, I am forgetting my sons, I am forgetting to be sad, I should be sad, two of my boys are dead. I have been feeling this enormous weight bearing down on me lately, a weight that despite my effort I could not lift. I prayed and asked God to lift it and it seemed like he wasn't moving, and I heard Satan whisper, "He has forgotten you, what kind of God would do that? What kind of God would ask you to walk this path and then turn his back on you?"

I have been wrestling with those thoughts for quite some time. I have wondered why God seemed to be waiting to move. I have struggled with him and why a God who loves me so much would allow such pain to be inflicted upon me. Such a sense of loss, such emptiness, sadness, and doubt. I would love to sit here and tell you that Since our "Isaac experience" I have been changed and have been steadfast, but that would be an outright lie. I have to make a decision every single morning of my life to get into God's word and chose to believe that he has got this.

My trip to Atlanta with my "sistas" has taught me so much and brought me so far. They have been shining examples of God's grace. They are providing a support and love I could never have imagined. In many ways that trip was a new beginning for me. I feel closer to God than I have been in quite sometime. I had been feeling paralyzed with my grief and I am beginning to move again.

Today we took our kids on a pontoon boat ride on Lake Erie and spent a nice day with them, then I went to a Mom's night out with a few of my favorite MOPS moms. This was pretty huge for me. I have been finding safety in the comfort of my home and I have been believing that I should just hide out here because I make everyone feel so crazily uncomfortable. (These are also LIES that are certainly not coming from God). This week my prayer to God has been that I am able to break free from all of this, from the lies, the loneliness, the pain. Sitting at home and feeling bad is not going to bring glory to God or do my sons any justice.

It has been five months since I held sweet Asher in my arms and now more than ever I am just plain thankful. Thankful that I had that moment, thankful that God did choose us, thankful that I am learning to live in today not worrying about tomorrow. Tomorrow is never promised.

This may be too much information, but each morning as I get a shower and get ready for the day I have found it helpful to crank my ipod music in the bathroom. We have a little boombox that it connects to and so I rock out in the shower. Sometimes that is the only alone time with God that I get in a day. My shower playlist has consisted of three songs...these three songs were songs I had the pleasure to experience LIVE at Deeper Still. They are, Only the World, Shackles, and Voice of a Savior. All sung by the beautiful MANDISA! These songs have really ministered to me lately and helped me adjust my prayer life.

Today I am rejoicing that my sons are in Heaven with Jesus. Asher has been there for five months, I am sure he is having a wonderful five month birthday. Today I am beginning to feel the fog lift, the weight lightened, I am taking comfort knowing that "It's only the world", this is nothing compared to eternity. The eternity I will get to spend with ALL of my children! That has me excited. It has me looking more toward Heaven and less toward this earth, it has me wanting desperately to be used by God. God has trusted me with something so important, I have no right to stay in my house and hide out...I need to get out and get the WORD out! And I have plans, in my stillness, God has really been speaking, and I cannot wait to share with you what he is putting on my heart, but it will have to wait for another post! I love you ALL and thank you so much for supporting me and my family through the ups downs and inbetweens. Thank you for helping me to keep my eyes toward Heaven, thank you all for carrying me! Stay tuned! The best is yet to come!


Suzie said...

Happy 5 months sweet Asher. You are thought about so very often. I hope and pray that you and my sweet Cooper have found each other and you lil guys are having fun up there. I bet Isaac is making sure you two don't get into trouble. Like big brothers do.

Hugs and kisses to all three of you.

Just Me said...

Happy Five Month Birthday, Asher!

I am glad you were able to get out of the house and have a fun night out.

I too crank up my iPod boombox thing when I shower each morning (I have quite a variety of music on mine, but I pretty much always since fairly loud!).

How great that you are able to feel all the love and support coming your way. You deserve it!

Take care,

Emily said...

Leave it to Auntie Emily to be almost an hour late, but Happy Birthday, sweet Asher! I remember waiting on pins and needles to see what Happy looked like! You truly were happy looks like. Beautiful, safe in God's hand, a miracle in every way. You made us all so happy.

And isn't your mom just the coolest? I love her! And I love that God lets you and your brother hang out with sweet Miller Grace while your mommy and I carry each other's mats - and rock out with Mandisa together - here.

Praise God.

Anxious AF said...

You sound so good:)

Bobbie said...

Happy 5 Month Birthday Asher!!!


I can't wait to hear the news!!

You sound so excited.

The VW's said...

God IS using you and He will continue to equip you with ALL that you stand in need of!

I'm so happy to hear that you are feeling well! God Bless You sweet friend!

Unknown said...


I'm so happy that you were able to come to the Mom's Night Out! It was so great to get to hang out with you and talk and laugh - and eat delicious dark chocolate! And it was wonderful to see you smile! :) Happy 5 months, Asher! Your mommy enjoyed the day and was thinking of you!

Mrs. MK said...

What a wonderful work God is doing in your heart!!!

Your thoughts on heaven remind me of something I heard just weeks before my Ellie died, and keep going through my mind since then, that "this is all the HELL we'll ever know." It just gets better from here.

Praise God that he has an eternity of comfort and ultimate, complete peace for our hearts!

Kenzie said...


Been praying for you as you "celebrate" these dates so close together. I know each day is a struggle to keep thoughts focused on the truth... I am SO incredibly proud of you as you strive and succeed in doing so. I love you, your sweet family and our Lord for bringing us together!

Happy 5 months Asher!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe that it's been five months since Happy's Birth Day... life speeds up and slows down so that I feel alternately like it's been days and years since that day, which was when I first read of your sweet boys.

I am so glad that the fog is lifting from you! It's exciting to me that your trip was such an encouragement and a help. :)

I hope you're having a great day today!!

Corie said...

You sound great! It is so good to hear what God is doing during this journey in your life. What a mommy all your boys have. Wanting so much to use what God is doing for His Glory!

Anonymous said...

I can almost hear the joy in your voice. That does my heart good. I am so thankful that you are able to see the wonderful things to come.

Happy five month birthday, Asher! You have brought much more "Happyness" than you'll ever know.

mrsrubly said...

happy 5 months Asher! you are a star i am tellin ya!

i am also happy to hear about your family day on the boat! how exciting! sending out as much internet hugs!!!

mrsrubly said...

uh oh! i can't wait to hear the BIG news!!!!

Unknown said...

What a beautiful post!

The honesty and realness of the words you used - show the depth of your trust and love for Him. His love is not only big enough to bring you through the fog it will lift you high above it.

Let the soothing words He is whispering wash away all the lies of the world. Hold tight to His promise and desire to use you in ways that will bring you to your knees. It is there where we meet Jesus face to face - humbled before Him saying today Lord Jesus use me as I am. Broken!

Holding you before Him and loving you as you walk through tomorrow trusting God's plan will be good!


Sharon Harrison said...

I have been following your blog for months but have never commented. I actually have followed all of the blogs of your "sistas". You sweet young girls are amazing (I used to work for Angie Luce's grandfather's ministry which is how I found all of you in the first place). Just know that people that you don't even know are praying for you and totally amazed with your sweet spirits and willingness to bare your souls so that others can draw closer to Jesus.

Denise said...

I have been reading your blog for a while now and I love that you share not only your down days with us but your good days as well. Life's emotions are like a rollercoaster and you have shared them all so beautifully. I learn something every time I check your blog.