My struggles for today...

I had a really tough day yesterday. Benjamin was up all night, we think he is getting more teeth and I was just exhausted al day and on top of that Ben was just so cranky all day! After Howard got home we went to Erie and got some Christmas shopping done for the boy we adopted through church. It was nice. We got quite a bit done. I am having a hard time with shopping though because normally I would be already preparing for this baby and since the outcome is uncertain I haven't done a thing. I so badly want to be getting bottles and diapers for Happy but I have this fear that he won't make it home. Deep in my heart I really feel that he will be fine, with Isaac I always had just a little nagging feeling that something was wrong but I was always told that things looked perfect. I have not even the slightest inkling that something is going on with this little guy. He is very active and his heartbeat is strong. Howard firmly believes with all of his heart that he is going to be just fine...He insists that until someone tells him with certainty that something is wrong he refuses to believe it.

Our appointment in Pittsburgh for a follow up is next Tuesday the 18th at 12:30. I am so dreading that day. Right now we are living with hope. I am afraid that the doctors are going to rob me of that. I have a tendancy to try and prepare myself for the worst and all I can think about is how I will react if they tell us that there has been no development in happy's brain. It would be so amazing though if they saw development and gave us hope. With Christmas coming the miracles of Christmas are very inspiring to me and I am praying for a miracle for our family. We so badly want this little guy to join our clan! Luke talks about him and prays for him each and every day. (Although he is certain that there is a possibility he could still get a sister!) I guess it isn't impossible.

So, I guess what we need prayers for now is for Tuesday. It is going to be a difficult day for all of us. We really didn't like the way we were treated down there as some misfit medical case. this is our family! The kids have a really hard time being with someone else for an entire day and it makes the entire next week difficult because we have clingy kids. Howard also has to take off from work which is hard because he still has to do all the work he just has one less day to do it. And most of all we need prayer for Happy's brain. The other abnormalities they "think" they found are definitely treatable. His brain is what will determine his outcome and we are praying as hard as we have ever prayed for his brain. We know God has the power to intervene and he can change this entire situation and bless our family with a healthy baby. Please pray for me, that I am able to stay positive and focused on God. We know that no matter what the outcome a miracle is happening. I am praising God today that I have today and it is teaching us that no one knows for sure that tomorrow will even come for any of us so we MUST make the most of today!