Thankful for a new day and butter!

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I haven't been sleeping much and I was just tired and cranky. I had stayed up for hours the night before because Happy was really active and I went out on the couch so I could feel him rumbling around. I am so thankful that I get to experience him in this way. I wish that Howard could experience it too. It is tough to feel him on the outside yet.

So back to yesterday, I was intending on going to MOPS at the Federated Church but I had forgotten to tell Howard that I needed the car so when I got up the car was gone and I had no way to get there. It was really frustrating because I haven't been getting out much with the weather and all. But I figured as soon as Howard got home maybe we could go get something to eat and get a few groceries, but then he called at 4 and had gotten himself stuck in a ditch on the way home from work. I called my dad and he went to get him but by the time Howard got home we had no time to go eat or get groceries because I had to work at 8. It certainly wasn't Howard's fault but I was so tired of being cooped up especially since tonight, Wednesday, Howard goes to youth group and so I am pretty much on my own all day and night on Wednesdays. So I know I was tough to live with yesterday.

Sometimes I get so frustrated because I feel like there is no possible way that Howard could understand what I am going through and I am not very good at expressing it sometimes. I just want him to just know when I am having a hard time and I want him to just understand. I know I frustrate him though. He wants to help and be supportive but he isn't mind reader as he often reminds me. I get confused because often he seems so unaffected by all of this. I know he loves Happy just as much as I do, he is the best dad any kids could ever ask for and he really is an amazing husband who puts up with a lot from his crazy wife. He just takes that stand that we have no definitive answers and so there is no reason to get all worked up right now. He has an amazing faith in God and he is so strong. He is definitely the perfect balance for me but he is so positive it is frustrating sometimes because I feel guilty for feeling the way I feel. It is different for me because this baby is growing inside of my body. I am the one who feels when he is active, I am the one with constant heartburn and an aching back. I am the one who is excessively exhausted all of the time. Don't get me wrong I LOVE pregnancy but at the same time each and every symptom is a reminder of what is going on inside of me and all of the questions I have about Happy's future. There is not a moment that goes by that I am not thinking of this baby.

Another thing that bothers me is when I think back to the experience I had with Isaac, though I know what a blessing he was and am so thankful for him, we went through a lot of pain at that time. We all had emotional pain but I was the one going through the physical pain that goes with having a c-section, recovering from childbirth and then the joys of the after effects of pregnancy. All of these things seem so worth it, but when you have lost a baby they are just constant reminders of what was lost. I guess what I am saying is that I know that I can do this and no matter what I know that God's mighty arm will pull us through victoriously. I KNOW that! I just want permission to be human and though I know that I need to stay positive, this is still MY body that is going through extreme changes and I feel like sometimes that is forgotten in the midst of it all. I am tired not only emotionally but also physically.

On a positive note, we have a book we are doing with Luke and it is called Keeping Christ in Christmas for Kids and it has an activity for each day and Monday's activity was to make a Blessing Box and talk about all of God's blessings in our life. I had to work but Howard and Luke did an awesome job making a beautiful blessing box out of a wet wipe container! We all wrote down our blessings. I realized how blessed I have been. Howard and I wrote things like family and our home. Luke, wrote butter! We were getting ready to have popcorn for a snack and he was thankful for butter. Simple and it seemed a bit silly, but maybe we all need to be thankful for butter! It is awesome to see things through a child's eyes. They are not only thankful for the BIG things in life but also the butter!

Today is a new day and as I see the kids getting excited about the snow and Christmas I am reminded that our life is so full of blessings. We have so much to praise God for! Sometimes it is like my heart and my head are trying to get on the same page and it is a tough battle. My head knows that I need to praise god and have blind faith but my heart is aching for my new son.