Saturday, December 29, 2007

Christmas Crash

Well it is all over. We have taken down our tree and put things away and are beginning to get back to "normal" if there ever was such a thing. Luke was very disappointed that we took the tree down, but we assured him that it will be up again next year. We had a great Christmas and everyone has recovered from the flu, though I am still trying to catch up on the laundry that backed up as a result of urgent flu related laundry needs.

I have been really struggling the last few days. I had previously been trying so hard to remember to just live in the moment and enjoy each and every second even if that meant leaving housework go a bit. (This is REALLY hard for me) I seem to be falling back into my old rut though the last few days. I can't quite tell just exactly what my problem is but I feel like I am slipping a bit in many areas. My patience has been gone both with the boys and with Howard and it seems as though I am feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. I know that much of what I feel is brought on completely by my own doing, but nevertheless I often feel so confused and angry.

Happy received a few gifts for Christmas, a little lamb from his Grandma and Grandpa Bolte, a soft snuggly little bear and a pack of awesome receiving blankets from my friend Lannea and a super soft and cuddly Project Linus blanket from my sister. These gifts meant a lot to me this year. I know that under normal circumstances I would be preparing the nursery and getting things ready for my new baby, but under my current circumstances I am so confused as to what to do. A few special people purchased gifts for Isaac such as snuggly little stuffed animals and blankets and they are some of my most prized posessions because they were his and he touched them and I am so thankful that Happy will have some of his own things no matter what.

Coming home from the hospital without Isaac was so hard and having to disassemble the nursery and pack away all of the baby stuff was really some of the hardest stuff we had to do. I want to believe that this little guy will come home with us just as we all pray, but if he cannot I just don't know if my heart can take coming home and seeing an empty nursery and having bins of things to pack away. Preparing for baby is one of my favorite things to do though and it is so painful to be so uncertain about things that I have done basically nothing. Maybe this is just another lesson I must learn...one day at a time. This is just so hard for me though...I am a planner and a doer!

I have also been feeling that my prayers are lacking a bit. They seem so redundant but the main things that I am thankful for and am asking for are the same and I don't know how to get myself closer to God at a time when I am kind of angry with him in the first place. I am excited that tomorrow at church we will be beginning a new series on the book of Habukkuk and it will be focusing on just that...when you are angry at God. I am praying that God speaks to me through these lessons so that I can continue on this journey as close to Him as possible. Without him I just know I can't do it at all, each day I grow even more weary.

The books say that Happy is probably approaching the 2 pound mark this week. I am 27 weeks pregnant. He is growing rapidly and I can tell by the strength of his kicks and nudges. I find myself having a difficult time sleeping most nights because night time is when he is active and I just don't want to miss one single movement. Please continue to pray for us to continue to have the strength and obedience to keep on this long and windy road and for God to be glorified in Happy's life. I have a doctor appointment in Erie next week and back to Pittsburgh on the 15th. We are praying that a new year brings good news!

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kristy,

i think you are being too hard on yourself. You can't expect that you will not have any down moments, any moments where, no matter how strong your faith is, or how strong you want it to be, where you are just mad, or sad, or hurt. You are human. You are a mama. You want your children to grow up strong and healthy. To feel like you should be able to handle the weight of this situation without struggling is too much to ask yourself to do.

Let yourself feel however you feel, because you know that all of your emotions are out of love for your children. And no matter what, that love is the greatest gift you can give them.

Love,
Lisa

Anonymous said...

Kristy,

I agree with Lisa. You are balancing so much on your shoulders right now and honestly I admire your faith and optimism. It's okay to not feel good or to be just angry. They are human emotions and you are entitled to them. At least you are being honest with yourself, if you didn't recognize these emotions then I would be really worried for you. Just know that you are doing the best you can under the circumstances. You are worried, hopeful, optimistic, faithful, and angry all at the same time. I truly think you are handling this the best you can at this point in time. Happy is a part of you, you feel him moving, he's constantly with you. All your feelings and emotions are based on love for your child (all your children). There is definitely nothing wrong with that. Just keep doing the best you can...don't always try to be the strong hold for everyone else. Sometimes you need to just give in to those emotions. My prayers are with you and Happy. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know.

Love,
Angel

Anonymous said...

Kristy,

I am praying for great joy for 2008 for your family!!

Love
Emi

happy gram said...

kristy, you have a beautiful family and i pray for the baby you carry. i went back and read older posts about isaac and the feelings and emotions you wrote about are exactly where my daughter is right now. i wish there was some way i could PULL her closer to Jesus right now - words completely fail me so i can only pray. your words were so helpful and encouraging to me. i truly hope for a miracle for you and Happy. jan

Anonymous said...

I just want you to know that I just ran across your blog thru blogs of other mothers going thru hard times. I just want you to know that I am praying for you daily. May God be with you and your family.