Five months ago today!

Happy five month birthday son!

"Watch yourselves so that you don't lose what we have worked for, but you may receive a full reward." 2 John 8



I sit here tonight reflecting on life at this point and am astounded. I am astounded that God chose me for this. I am learning that he did not choose us because because he thought we were equipped to deal with any of this but because he would equip us along the way. I have had several of you email me WONDERFUL, encouraging messages. Many of you have listened to my testimony using the link I had provided earlier. I am astounded at the response, I am praising God that my boys are bringing others closer to their Creator! I am so excited, especially since that is only part of the story, that is the story as of a year ago and OH how God has worked in our family this past year!



I have spent the past few months in a bit of a fog. I have been hearing Satan's whispers and I have been listening to him. I have been listening as he whispers to me telling me that when I have a good day, I am forgetting my sons, I am forgetting to be sad, I should be sad, two of my boys are dead. I have been feeling this enormous weight bearing down on me lately, a weight that despite my effort I could not lift. I prayed and asked God to lift it and it seemed like he wasn't moving, and I heard Satan whisper, "He has forgotten you, what kind of God would do that? What kind of God would ask you to walk this path and then turn his back on you?"



I have been wrestling with those thoughts for quite some time. I have wondered why God seemed to be waiting to move. I have struggled with him and why a God who loves me so much would allow such pain to be inflicted upon me. Such a sense of loss, such emptiness, sadness, and doubt. I would love to sit here and tell you that Since our "Isaac experience" I have been changed and have been steadfast, but that would be an outright lie. I have to make a decision every single morning of my life to get into God's word and chose to believe that he has got this.



My trip to Atlanta with my "sistas" has taught me so much and brought me so far. They have been shining examples of God's grace. They are providing a support and love I could never have imagined. In many ways that trip was a new beginning for me. I feel closer to God than I have been in quite sometime. I had been feeling paralyzed with my grief and I am beginning to move again.

Today we took our kids on a pontoon boat ride on Lake Erie and spent a nice day with them, then I went to a Mom's night out with a few of my favorite MOPS moms. This was pretty huge for me. I have been finding safety in the comfort of my home and I have been believing that I should just hide out here because I make everyone feel so crazily uncomfortable. (These are also LIES that are certainly not coming from God). This week my prayer to God has been that I am able to break free from all of this, from the lies, the loneliness, the pain. Sitting at home and feeling bad is not going to bring glory to God or do my sons any justice.



It has been five months since I held sweet Asher in my arms and now more than ever I am just plain thankful. Thankful that I had that moment, thankful that God did choose us, thankful that I am learning to live in today not worrying about tomorrow. Tomorrow is never promised.



This may be too much information, but each morning as I get a shower and get ready for the day I have found it helpful to crank my ipod music in the bathroom. We have a little boombox that it connects to and so I rock out in the shower. Sometimes that is the only alone time with God that I get in a day. My shower playlist has consisted of three songs...these three songs were songs I had the pleasure to experience LIVE at Deeper Still. They are, Only the World, Shackles, and Voice of a Savior. All sung by the beautiful MANDISA! These songs have really ministered to me lately and helped me adjust my prayer life.



Today I am rejoicing that my sons are in Heaven with Jesus. Asher has been there for five months, I am sure he is having a wonderful five month birthday. Today I am beginning to feel the fog lift, the weight lightened, I am taking comfort knowing that "It's only the world", this is nothing compared to eternity. The eternity I will get to spend with ALL of my children! That has me excited. It has me looking more toward Heaven and less toward this earth, it has me wanting desperately to be used by God. God has trusted me with something so important, I have no right to stay in my house and hide out...I need to get out and get the WORD out! And I have plans, in my stillness, God has really been speaking, and I cannot wait to share with you what he is putting on my heart, but it will have to wait for another post! I love you ALL and thank you so much for supporting me and my family through the ups downs and inbetweens. Thank you for helping me to keep my eyes toward Heaven, thank you all for carrying me! Stay tuned! The best is yet to come!