A Thick and Dreadful Darkness

A thick and dreadful darkness came over him. Genesis 15:12

This scripture comes from the book of Genesis from the story of Abraham. Abraham had just fallen asleep from sheer exhaustion from cares of his day and while he was sleeping he felt this dreadful, thick darkness come over his soul. I imagine it felt much like a nightmare only instead of being in his mind it was in his heart.

I cannot really imagine what Abraham must have been thinking at this time or how dark his darkness was, but I do know something of a thick and dreadful darkness. I do know something of sorrow and disappointment. I do know how hard it is to reconcile with a God who is fully capable to intervene and yet he chooses not to. I know what it is to wonder what God's justice looks like because I surely don't see it on earth. I wonder how a good and loving God could take a beloved child from a family who loves and cherishes him so much, who would raise him in the way he should go. I do know what it is to fall asleep from sheer exhaustion, mental, physical, emotional exhaustion. I know what it feels like to cry myself to sleep only to wake up frantically searching for my child who is nowhere to be found. I know what it is like to yearn to dream of my precious boys and wake from a nightmare where I am trying to save them yet cannot.

Tomorrow marks a lot of things for me. It marks three years since Isaac went to be with his Heavenly Father. It marks a year since I shared my testimony with our church in Isaac's memory, and it marks one year since I found out I was pregnant with Asher. One year ago I was preparing for my "Sermon from the Seat" I was going through my journal of what happened with Isaac and preparing to share his life with about a thousand people it was an immense task and I remember feeling very overwhelmed. It had occurred to me that pregnancy might be something I was dealing with on top of it all but I chalked it up to stress. The next day I took a test to be sure and two lines showed up. I had JUST relived my entire experience with Isaac and now was pregnant again, but the thought NEVER crossed my mind that my God would ever ask me to walk that path again.

I sit here tonight reflecting on all of those things. I sit here looking over the past few years of my life, it is strange to think that it really is my life. I feel like I have been wandering the wilderness for quite a while. I look back and can say that I am thankful for Isaac and for Asher. I am as thankful for those boys as I am for the two here with me on earth. I can remember after Isaac died feeling like I had been abandoned by God, I had been baptized just two weeks prior and here God was not holding up his end of the bargain. The thing is, he always holds up his end of the bargain. The thing is that he NEVER promises that we will not endure suffering, pain, disappointment, he promised he would walk the path with us, even when that path is through the valley of the shadow of death. He never leaves us. There are many times in the past few years that I have felt abandoned by God. Many times I have allowed Satan to whisper lies in my ears, and oh is he a sneaky one and he will fill our heads with lies any chance he gets.

I cannot say I am there yet, but I am learning, learning to turn my ear from those whispers and focus solely on God's. I am learning that with God, beauty can come from ashes, an ending can bring a beginning, life can be brought from death. I am learning that even when I feel alone, God is ALWAYS right there, always ever present in my hurt and wiping away my every tear. I am learning that God does not take suffering lightly. In many ways he bestows it upon us as a gift. He sent his son to suffer and die a death so horrible and yet look at the beauty that comes from Calvary. The beauty that God's love for us is so big that he would send his one and only son to die on a cross for our sins. For the sins of EVERY person on this earth because he loves us that much.

Shall I not drink from this cup the Father has given me? (John 18:10)

This is the cup the master has given. This is the cup I shall drink.

It is my prayer that God will use my suffering, use it for His glory. I cannot lie, I hurt, I ache, I feel a void in my heart that will NEVER be filled this side of Heaven and I have to every morning pray for the grace to get through that day. And every day he provides. He never provides an ounce more than I need though. Just enough for the day, just enough to make me fall on my face and pray for some more the next day. His grace is truly sufficient. This I am sure of. It is the only explanation for the fact that I function every day. I am trying hard to embrace it. To embrace my suffering and camp out here in the wilderness for a while. I have been trying so hard to work my way through it as quickly as possible and well,and like a hamster on a wheel, that just isn't working for me! So as uncomfortable as it makes me I will just rest here, in the wilderness as I am much safer in the wilderness with God than I am without Him on a mountaintop.