Saturday, July 19, 2008

A Thick and Dreadful Darkness

A thick and dreadful darkness came over him. Genesis 15:12

This scripture comes from the book of Genesis from the story of Abraham. Abraham had just fallen asleep from sheer exhaustion from cares of his day and while he was sleeping he felt this dreadful, thick darkness come over his soul. I imagine it felt much like a nightmare only instead of being in his mind it was in his heart.

I cannot really imagine what Abraham must have been thinking at this time or how dark his darkness was, but I do know something of a thick and dreadful darkness. I do know something of sorrow and disappointment. I do know how hard it is to reconcile with a God who is fully capable to intervene and yet he chooses not to. I know what it is to wonder what God's justice looks like because I surely don't see it on earth. I wonder how a good and loving God could take a beloved child from a family who loves and cherishes him so much, who would raise him in the way he should go. I do know what it is to fall asleep from sheer exhaustion, mental, physical, emotional exhaustion. I know what it feels like to cry myself to sleep only to wake up frantically searching for my child who is nowhere to be found. I know what it is like to yearn to dream of my precious boys and wake from a nightmare where I am trying to save them yet cannot.

Tomorrow marks a lot of things for me. It marks three years since Isaac went to be with his Heavenly Father. It marks a year since I shared my testimony with our church in Isaac's memory, and it marks one year since I found out I was pregnant with Asher. One year ago I was preparing for my "Sermon from the Seat" I was going through my journal of what happened with Isaac and preparing to share his life with about a thousand people it was an immense task and I remember feeling very overwhelmed. It had occurred to me that pregnancy might be something I was dealing with on top of it all but I chalked it up to stress. The next day I took a test to be sure and two lines showed up. I had JUST relived my entire experience with Isaac and now was pregnant again, but the thought NEVER crossed my mind that my God would ever ask me to walk that path again.

I sit here tonight reflecting on all of those things. I sit here looking over the past few years of my life, it is strange to think that it really is my life. I feel like I have been wandering the wilderness for quite a while. I look back and can say that I am thankful for Isaac and for Asher. I am as thankful for those boys as I am for the two here with me on earth. I can remember after Isaac died feeling like I had been abandoned by God, I had been baptized just two weeks prior and here God was not holding up his end of the bargain. The thing is, he always holds up his end of the bargain. The thing is that he NEVER promises that we will not endure suffering, pain, disappointment, he promised he would walk the path with us, even when that path is through the valley of the shadow of death. He never leaves us. There are many times in the past few years that I have felt abandoned by God. Many times I have allowed Satan to whisper lies in my ears, and oh is he a sneaky one and he will fill our heads with lies any chance he gets.

I cannot say I am there yet, but I am learning, learning to turn my ear from those whispers and focus solely on God's. I am learning that with God, beauty can come from ashes, an ending can bring a beginning, life can be brought from death. I am learning that even when I feel alone, God is ALWAYS right there, always ever present in my hurt and wiping away my every tear. I am learning that God does not take suffering lightly. In many ways he bestows it upon us as a gift. He sent his son to suffer and die a death so horrible and yet look at the beauty that comes from Calvary. The beauty that God's love for us is so big that he would send his one and only son to die on a cross for our sins. For the sins of EVERY person on this earth because he loves us that much.

Shall I not drink from this cup the Father has given me? (John 18:10)

This is the cup the master has given. This is the cup I shall drink.

It is my prayer that God will use my suffering, use it for His glory. I cannot lie, I hurt, I ache, I feel a void in my heart that will NEVER be filled this side of Heaven and I have to every morning pray for the grace to get through that day. And every day he provides. He never provides an ounce more than I need though. Just enough for the day, just enough to make me fall on my face and pray for some more the next day. His grace is truly sufficient. This I am sure of. It is the only explanation for the fact that I function every day. I am trying hard to embrace it. To embrace my suffering and camp out here in the wilderness for a while. I have been trying so hard to work my way through it as quickly as possible and well,and like a hamster on a wheel, that just isn't working for me! So as uncomfortable as it makes me I will just rest here, in the wilderness as I am much safer in the wilderness with God than I am without Him on a mountaintop.

5 comments:

Mandy in Erie said...

Kristy,
I'll be praying for you this weekend. I fully understand those special dates that stay in our hearts for a long, long time. I'm glad you reminded me of this date. This day last year when I heard you speak at your church, that was my first step back to letting God back into my heart & mind. I feel like I had abandoned him and I'm now finding out how much I need him in my life to get through these difficult losses. You have been my inspiration!!!

I purchased a Memory Coin at the Hallmark store the other day and it says "Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy.

Love, Mandy

siscaboo said...

Thinking of you today.

(((HUGS)))

Jill said...

Kristy,

For months I have been praying alongside of you and your family.

I have wanted to reach through this computer many times to wipe away the tears. I know there are no words I can say to take the pain even for a moment - but God can! Those two words give me peace when the rain comes and the times of sorrow won't go away - "BUT GOD"!

There is nothing impossible for the Lord. His using Abraham and Sarah is just one example of that truth!

I love how your words allow His truths to touch upon the realness of the valley we all must walk. For in that valley we find Him ever present, never changing and always calling us to Him. That valley as you said is where our growth comes from and He knows the plans He has for you and they are good! The calling of going through it twice is all for His glory and one day maybe not this side of heaven - you too will understand why. Until then trust His in His love and grace to be more than enough.

Know that I am here to listen and that you are 100% never alone. You are blessed beyond measure to have found the 8 other women who like you can relate to ever emotion He has trusted you to feel. God is so good to always give us what we need!

Sending love and blessings,
Jill

Corie said...

So much going on..so many dates to remember. I am praying for you as you think of what this weekend is to you. The past and pressing forward. You have shared so many incredible thoughts in the last few days. It has touched me more then you know. I am definitly meditating on my Isaacs! I know the whispers and I am also battling them daily. Never wanting to give Satan any ground to give me thoughts that do not Glorify God! A daily battle that I will fight. I will pray that God puts a hedge about you and your family and protects you mightly from the Satan and the whispers.

Laurie said...

Sweet Kristy,

God IS using you right where you are right now. I read a scripture today and thought of you right away. It is Hosea 2:14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her heart."
Kristy, I have followed you since we were "Waiting for Happy" and I have seen such growth in your life. I have had the privilege of watching you working it out here on your blog as you have posted and I have prayed for you. This kind of growth does not happen instantly, but moment by moment, day by day to allow it to take root in your heart. You have blessed me and my faith by your honesty, bringing into the light the areas I need to make changes. I am thankful for you and your love of the Lord who carries you through. He has great blessings in store for you. Keep listening to Him as He speaks gently to you in the desert. He wants you for Himself.

Love, Laurie in Ca.