Thursday, July 17, 2008

In God's MIghty Lap

"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you." (2 Chronicles 20:12)

I have been searching and searching for what God is calling me to do next. I have prayed, I have searched the Bible for any word he might bring forth to me, I have searched the depths of my being for the desires He has placed within me and yet I am coming up still confused. My thoughts most times are a whirlwind. I have become about as scatterbrained as they come. I have talked before about the fact that I, by nature, am a doer. I feel best when I am actively doing things, taking charge and getting things done.

The trouble is that I am at a complete loss when it comes to what God wants from me next. I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like a different person, yet I am not sure who I am. I look the same (plus twenty pounds) but I feel so different. I will often get a thought or a glimpse of what I think God is calling me to, then I pray about it and begin to move forward only to feel I am not so sure that is what GOD wants, rather what I want.

I have spoken many times now about us continuing to grow our family. It is something we desperately want to do and something we feel called to, we always have, we from the very beginning have felt God calling us to raise a number of children. I am still feeling a intense pull in that direction, but have no idea what the next step is. At first I thought adoption. Howard and I would LOVE to adopt, that has always been on our radar and now more than ever seemed like the perfect time, that is until I began to research and find out the financial costs that come with adopting a child. This roadblock seems immense. We are just keeping our heads above water financially right now, we could never afford the thousands of dollars it takes to adopt, at least not yet.

I have started the paperwork for foster care and we do feel this is something we want to do, but the further I go I question if this is the right time for our family to do this. I wonder if I am in a state of mind where I can give what these children need. I know it is something we will do eventually, but the more I pray and the more I spend time thinking through it, the more I feel I may need to wait until a little more healing has taken place in this home before we can love and let go again.

We have been and are still considering having more children of our own. At worst, the issue that Isaac and Asher had is a recessive issue, meaning it would likely occur in 25% of any children we may have. I have also already explained how our families feel about this. They don't think it is worth the risk, I am not sure we agree. Though Isaac and Asher both died too soon, they left such an impact on our hearts, we are such better people for having known them.

The confusing thing is that the "issues" Isaac and Asher had cannot be explained. Our case has been of interest to several doctors and geneticists. It has been passed along to several universities and specialists and yet NO ONE can come up with a name for a diagnosis. God knitted our boys together so specifically, they cannot easily be put into any category despite great effort.

Isaac and Asher had microcephaly, both of them had a brain that had stopped developing way to early on. But aside from that their symptoms are very different. No doctor has been able to connect all of the dots. I am not confident they ever will. They believe it is too coincidental for both boys to have had a similar condition that is unrelated, but cannot say for sure what the commonality is. There is a possibility it is a problem we would only have with male children, and if that is the case we could go through treatments and go through gender selection to assure ourselves that issue would not recur by having a girl. I am not comfortable with that.

When it comes to the issue of us having more children, Howard is all for it. He doesn't see any reason why we shouldn't. He looks at the 75% chance all will be fine and even in the event that we should have another special baby, he knows God will carry us, that God will still bring the right people to us to support us and that our family would come around. He sees no reason to continue with genetic testing. They can't find anything, and can't test us because they have NO idea what they would test us for. If it were an issue for only male children we still wouldn't do the gender selection thing, we feel that that would be interfering with God's work. We believe ALL children are a gift from the Lord and who are we to tell him how to do His job? So what is a person to do? Well I have prayed on it and this is what I have come up with...

So God has brought be back to the "Be Still" seems to be a recurring theme in my life! I guess it should be in everyone's, I am just not so good at it so God has to keep bringing me to this place.

This morning I was reading in the book of 2 Samuel and came across the story of an Israelite named Uzzah. He lost his life because he reached out and took hold of the ark of God. He had great intentions in touching it. He wanted to steady it as he thought it might fall when the oxen stumbled, but he overstepped his bounds, he touched the Lord's work and interfered and God struck him down.

I am learning that having faith is letting the oxen stumble and trusting God to steady the Ark. If we truly walk by faith, we must leave God to do his work, we must not meddle, we must not feel the need to DO something. He knows where we are and if we wait on Him, He will tell us when to act and when to be still. He often speaks in a whisper, so we must be completely still and silent to hear. When we completely give something over to God we need to keep our meddling hands off of it. Even with good intentions, our hands will only screw it up. We need to remember that God doesn't need our help. He is GOD! He is sovereign, he is the Alpha and Omega. He will accomplish His will and he doesn't NEED anyone else to do it. I need to remember that. I need to remember that God is in control here despite what I feel or do.

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes." Psalm 37:7

This verse reminds me that though I sometimes feel there is no justice in this world, God will carry out justice in the end. I need set my eyes on Him and draw near to Him because I will always be safe in His hand.

Wait patiently, be still, rest in knowing that God has this under control, there is nothing that my restless work will do to accomplish his will. He WILL accomplish his will. He has promised good for me and I must rest in knowing He is working it all out...

So I am dropping all of this in God's lap and I will leave it there!


Tracy said...

What an impossibly difficult decision for you. Please know that I am praying for you and your family, that you will have the strength and grace to move forward with whatever God decides in your lives.

Anonymous said...

I think that's an awesome example showing the sinfulness of interfering with God's plan. Even thinking and typing that it seems so harsh to put it that way, but apparently it's true.

I'm often guilty of thinking that putting my fingers in where God doesn't want them is just a misdemeanor - in my human mind there are so many worse things that I could be doing.... why not help God out a little bit?!

I have never noticed the story of Uzzah (hmm... imagine that), and I'm so glad that God gave you that word and you shared it with us. It adjusts my perspective. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Your post today reminds me of my favorite song right now "Peace be still" by the Christian group Rush of Fools. See if you can find it online, it's a GREAT song!!!

mrsrubly said...

thank you so much for posting this. i do realize this is YOUR thoughts YOUR emotions, BUT i really needed this encouragement today. Isaac and Asher really have changed my life. i have kinda met their wonderful mommy and her encouraging posts. i too am going thru a bunch of not so great things right now, i have learned to BE STILL and have lifted my soul, and let my eyes see that i have to rely on GOD Almighty to see it through. thank you Lord for this precious mommy, Isaac and Asher! i too pray for your thoughts as to getting pregnant or fostering! i think you and your husband would be great w/ the fostering thing. much greater blessings to the bolte family.
bonny in TX

The VW's said...

Awesome insight! I'm so sorry that you are having to make these difficult decisions, but really the decisions have been made already! Your family's story is already written and nothing you do or decide will change it. God has a plan for YOU!!! I know this is easier said than done, but just try to sit back and let His plan unfold. I can tell you are listening for Him, so have faith that whatever you decide will be the right choice...His choice! And, like your husband said, God will get you through whatever the future holds for you!

In the meantime, I'll be praying for you! God Bless You!

And, BTW, you have no idea how many people you are helping with their own difficulties by sharing yours and by sharing your faith in God! I know your insight and faith has touched me! THANK YOU!!!

meela said...

Wow, Kristy, you are the only one I know facing the same issues as we are. Thank you for sharing your heart so honestly and thoughtfully, it is a comfort to me.

Jennifer said...

I just wanted to encourage you to continue seeking God - all children are truly a blessing and your heart for recognizing this truth is an incredible example to the grace of God. Just wanted to encourage your hearts that there is nothing wrong and a whole lot right with that kind of thinking.

So Blessed said...

Sweet Kristy,
How often I am faced with this very thing...not meddling and letting God do "His" work. HIS work, not mine. HIS way, not my way. This is a very precious lesson you have written about today. Time and time again, I am reminded...HE is God and I am not! My job is to trust in Him. That is something I believe you are doing beautifully. May He continue to bless you with the strength and comfort that you need to face each new day as you trust in Him...and as you wait to see His work in your life. With my love and prayers, Susie

Hilary said...

Awesome post, Kristy. How great that you truly are listening to God speak to you. It's not always easy to follow His words :) like, "being still," but it's so worth it in the end!
I totally needed these words in my life as well. The way God revealed the story of Uzzah to you and how you pertained it to your life, and then shared it with us, is truly a blessing.
How awesome is it that despite difficult issues and decisions, God knows exactly the desires of our hearts and what is best for us. And like you said, if we keep our impatient, "let me take control" hands off, He will fulfill the desires of our hearts!
Peace and stillness be with you.

Stacy@hiswaynotmine said...

Kristy-I have come to your site after finding the sites of your "sisters" whom you met at the Deeper Still conference. My 4th son, Joshua, was born with Trisomy 18 on August 14, 2002 and went into Jesus's arms on Dec. 11, 2002. We were so blessed to have him with us each and everyday and I can't wait to be reunited with him in heaven. I love on him everyday in my heart and not a day goes by that I don't miss him. Thank you for sharing your heart with us all and for your transparency. I am such a doer like you and have a hard time being still-but us doers have to just lay our plans at Jesus's feet and let Him have His way with us. Trust HIM! My encouragement to you is to Trust Him with it all, even inspite of what the doctors, in their wisdom, are saying-God is faithful and so has your life (and your children's) in His hands. My first son was born 10 weeks early, I developed HELLP Syndrome (kidney, liver shut down etc) and had an emergency c-section. Told not to have another child because there was a 25-30% chance I would get it again. They were wrong. We prayed and looked to God to either open or close my womb each time. With each pregnancy, I had issues, but went on to have 6 c-sections (even after delivering my 5th son by c-section and my uterus had a transparent window in it). After every child, we were told to stop having children by our doctors. But we looked to God. Don't get me wrong..many pregnancies, I dealt with fear and worry and Satan would jump in and make me think we were irresponsible and cause me to think the worst. But these are all lies by the Father of lies. Trust God and His Truth. Each pregnancy, each child has to be put into His hands....they are His children. He will tell you what to do next. Wait on Him and in His perfect time...He will whisper in your heart His Will. I'll be praying for you and your family. In Christ, Stacy

Just Me said...

Praying for you as you try and "Be Still" (I'm not a mom, but am thinking that "stillness" doesn't often happen when you have little ones running around!). This reminded me of a book mark I have. I can't even remember where I got it, but I had to go find it after reading this (and think I need to post it on my bathroom mirror or something!).

Be silent.
Be still.
Alone. Empty
Before your God.
Say nothing.
Ask nothing.
Be silent.
Be still.
Let your God
Look upon you.
That is all.
He knows.
He understands.
He loves you with
An enormous love.
He only wants to
Look upon you
With His Love.

Let your God--
Love you.

Even though my issues are different, I too am wondering what God's plans are for me. I would probably say I am more of a "planner" than a "do-er" and not having "a plan" is kind of annoying to me. Your words were a reminder that I should just let God do His thing and try and be ready for whenever the "plan" is revealed (and hope I'll be able to see it when that happens!).

Sending prayers.
Take care,

Mashel said...

Thank you for the wonderful comments on my blog. I guess I have been somewhat of a "blog-stalker" up until now, always reading your writings, but never actually commenting on them. It is so easy to comment on the great and wonderful pictures of happy family times, but when there is such incredible grief and heartache, it is easy to not know what to say. You and your family have been in my prayers many, many times.
As you approach this next step of your journey and knowing that only God can show you which path to take, please don't let money hold you back from something, because if it is meant to be, God will provide. Also, maybe being in a place of healing and heartache would be just what a foster child may need right now. They are also in a place of turmoil and don't know which way to turn. Imagine if they heard your story, and discovered through you the only way to get through the pain is through Jesus. I know God will lead you in the direction you need to go, but from a foster-to-adopt momma, I just wanted to tell you what a differece you could make in the lives of God's children. There are many, many kids in this country that are considered "foster' but need to be adopted. That doesn't cost a lot and you don't have to loose them. I am praying that God will lead you down the path that He has planned for your family, but I just didn't want you to dismiss your other ideas yet. You are an amazing woman and mother.

Corie said...

I wonder and ponder the same questions....What do we do now?? Wishing God would come in the burning bush in my back yard for a "quick" conversation! Too bad thats not how it works! waiting and being still is so hard and yet I know it is part of the process. Praying for you in your decisions and that God would give you the peace that surpasses all understanding.

Baby Jacob said...

Hey Sweet Sister....let Jacob's verse sound in your ears on repeat as it has done for me these last 9 months...."Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage; and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord." Psalm 27:14

I love you and am praying for you and can't wait to meet up again!



Destini said...

Waiting is the hardest part..the awesome thing is that even in the waiting,he is working. He is ahead of you forging the path.

Something to consider regarding adoption...(in MI)I have a good friend who works for a placement agency. She recommends that anyone interested in adoption pursue foster care first and formost. In the event a child is found that is able to be placed for adoption immediately, you would have faster access to that child being a foster parent, rather than wait for the whole adoption process to unfold and have the child placed in temporary care. In our state you can adopt a child in this instance for about $200 in court fees. Often times you can put a bug in your case worker's ear that you are interested in adopting and they will work at placing a child that is available for adoption.

There are many ways to grow a family for sure, I know over time God will reveal what it is he intends for your family.

Laurie in Ca. said...

Great post Kristy and so full of wisdom. And don't we ALL need to learn to be still and let God work out His plans for us. "Be Still" has been Gods motto over my entire life it seems. I am still working on it by the way. I find it to be a daily renewal that needs to be placed in His lap. We are all a work in progress and I am so thankful He is so patient with us. I am praying that He will direct your path and lead you to the joy He has in store for you. Keep placing it all in His lap. He will sort it out for you and return His answer to you blessed 10 times over. Most of my best blessings have come in the times of being still. This is where His details are revealed to our hearts. I am praying for you sweet friend and believe it or not, being still is a powerful action to do.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Tiffany said...

Wow. This is something that I needed to read and hear for myself. I have a feeling that the Lord has been saying to me too, "Be still". I need to take this to heart and realize that He has it all under control with what will happen with Logan and I just need to let it be. Thank you Kristy. That really helped me out!


P.S. My sister-in-law sent me a video of a song this morning that touched close to home and I thought you would like to hear it too! Here is the link:

Debra said...

This is so good, thank you for sharing. It's so true, we want to meddle and 'make' things right. But sometimes the right thing (in God's eternal plan) is very wrong, it's ugly and unperfect, we can't see how it could be the right thing, but HE is God and sees with eternal eyes.

His will and purposes WILL be accomplished, He is more than able to bring all that He wants to completion, without our help. I am talking to myself more than anyone.

Thank you for sharing, I have only just begun to read your story (it's so late) but I am so sorry for your pain.

God bless you and your beautiful family.

Grace and peace to you!