In God's MIghty Lap

"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you." (2 Chronicles 20:12)

I have been searching and searching for what God is calling me to do next. I have prayed, I have searched the Bible for any word he might bring forth to me, I have searched the depths of my being for the desires He has placed within me and yet I am coming up still confused. My thoughts most times are a whirlwind. I have become about as scatterbrained as they come. I have talked before about the fact that I, by nature, am a doer. I feel best when I am actively doing things, taking charge and getting things done.

The trouble is that I am at a complete loss when it comes to what God wants from me next. I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like a different person, yet I am not sure who I am. I look the same (plus twenty pounds) but I feel so different. I will often get a thought or a glimpse of what I think God is calling me to, then I pray about it and begin to move forward only to feel I am not so sure that is what GOD wants, rather what I want.

I have spoken many times now about us continuing to grow our family. It is something we desperately want to do and something we feel called to, we always have, we from the very beginning have felt God calling us to raise a number of children. I am still feeling a intense pull in that direction, but have no idea what the next step is. At first I thought adoption. Howard and I would LOVE to adopt, that has always been on our radar and now more than ever seemed like the perfect time, that is until I began to research and find out the financial costs that come with adopting a child. This roadblock seems immense. We are just keeping our heads above water financially right now, we could never afford the thousands of dollars it takes to adopt, at least not yet.

I have started the paperwork for foster care and we do feel this is something we want to do, but the further I go I question if this is the right time for our family to do this. I wonder if I am in a state of mind where I can give what these children need. I know it is something we will do eventually, but the more I pray and the more I spend time thinking through it, the more I feel I may need to wait until a little more healing has taken place in this home before we can love and let go again.

We have been and are still considering having more children of our own. At worst, the issue that Isaac and Asher had is a recessive issue, meaning it would likely occur in 25% of any children we may have. I have also already explained how our families feel about this. They don't think it is worth the risk, I am not sure we agree. Though Isaac and Asher both died too soon, they left such an impact on our hearts, we are such better people for having known them.

The confusing thing is that the "issues" Isaac and Asher had cannot be explained. Our case has been of interest to several doctors and geneticists. It has been passed along to several universities and specialists and yet NO ONE can come up with a name for a diagnosis. God knitted our boys together so specifically, they cannot easily be put into any category despite great effort.

Isaac and Asher had microcephaly, both of them had a brain that had stopped developing way to early on. But aside from that their symptoms are very different. No doctor has been able to connect all of the dots. I am not confident they ever will. They believe it is too coincidental for both boys to have had a similar condition that is unrelated, but cannot say for sure what the commonality is. There is a possibility it is a problem we would only have with male children, and if that is the case we could go through treatments and go through gender selection to assure ourselves that issue would not recur by having a girl. I am not comfortable with that.

When it comes to the issue of us having more children, Howard is all for it. He doesn't see any reason why we shouldn't. He looks at the 75% chance all will be fine and even in the event that we should have another special baby, he knows God will carry us, that God will still bring the right people to us to support us and that our family would come around. He sees no reason to continue with genetic testing. They can't find anything, and can't test us because they have NO idea what they would test us for. If it were an issue for only male children we still wouldn't do the gender selection thing, we feel that that would be interfering with God's work. We believe ALL children are a gift from the Lord and who are we to tell him how to do His job? So what is a person to do? Well I have prayed on it and this is what I have come up with...

So God has brought be back to the "Be Still" thing...it seems to be a recurring theme in my life! I guess it should be in everyone's, I am just not so good at it so God has to keep bringing me to this place.

This morning I was reading in the book of 2 Samuel and came across the story of an Israelite named Uzzah. He lost his life because he reached out and took hold of the ark of God. He had great intentions in touching it. He wanted to steady it as he thought it might fall when the oxen stumbled, but he overstepped his bounds, he touched the Lord's work and interfered and God struck him down.

I am learning that having faith is letting the oxen stumble and trusting God to steady the Ark. If we truly walk by faith, we must leave God to do his work, we must not meddle, we must not feel the need to DO something. He knows where we are and if we wait on Him, He will tell us when to act and when to be still. He often speaks in a whisper, so we must be completely still and silent to hear. When we completely give something over to God we need to keep our meddling hands off of it. Even with good intentions, our hands will only screw it up. We need to remember that God doesn't need our help. He is GOD! He is sovereign, he is the Alpha and Omega. He will accomplish His will and he doesn't NEED anyone else to do it. I need to remember that. I need to remember that God is in control here despite what I feel or do.

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes." Psalm 37:7

This verse reminds me that though I sometimes feel there is no justice in this world, God will carry out justice in the end. I need set my eyes on Him and draw near to Him because I will always be safe in His hand.

Wait patiently, be still, rest in knowing that God has this under control, there is nothing that my restless work will do to accomplish his will. He WILL accomplish his will. He has promised good for me and I must rest in knowing He is working it all out...

So I am dropping all of this in God's lap and I will leave it there!