Balancing Grief and Joy

This is something I am finding difficult these days. Today is memorial day. A day to remember the many who have sacrificed so much for us, but often it is also a day families use to go to the cemetery to care for the grave sites of loved ones whether they served in the military or not. Typically on Memorial Day we head to the cemetery and care for the grave sites of my mother, grandmother and Isaac.

My goal for this year was to have Asher's headstone set by Memorial Day so that we could go and plant flowers and make the boys' space more permanent. Our cemetery only pours cement footers once a year and it is early May. Needless to say, we missed the boat again.

I have found myself conflicted. It is like I can only focus in one direction at once and right now I am trying hard to revel in the last moments of my pregnancy and prepare for the new blessing the Lord is knitting in my womb. That is not to say for one moment that Isaac or Asher have been forgotten or pushed to the side. I am acutely aware of the permanent holes in my heart that only they can fill. With every nudge and kick I think of my pregnancies with them, with every preparation I am reminded of the things I never got to do for two of my sweet children.

I just could not bring myself to intertwine cemetery work with nursery work this month. I know I guess that for Isaac and Asher their grave site, while providing us with a place to memorialize them, is not where they are. I feel closer to them here at home and more able to focus on the joy they have brought to our lives from here. The cemetery has a tendency to remind me of their absence rather than their everlasting presence in my heart. I am trying hard to stay focused. Thanking the Lord for every perfect gift he has given me and not yearning for what I do not have. It has been a tougher month than I expected and though some of my goals for the boys' grave site were not met, I feel I have grown in many ways.

I have been able to let go of a lot of anger and really prepare my heart to receive the gifts ahead all the while remaining thankful for the ones I have been given. I am learning to live with a broken heart and allow my brokenness to transform me into the person the Lord is calling me to be. I truly feel as though I will be a better mother and wife and mom because of Isaac and Asher and I am so grateful to them for showing me what is truly important in life. I worry less about the temporary and focus more on the eternal, putting less emphasis on circumstance and more on the pure joy of living in the moment. God has extended such grace to our family over the past year and I am just amazed to see the beauty in His work.

Some nights I cry my eyes out wishing I could hold Isaac or Asher one more time. The sadness is always there. It always will be. I never want to forget the important lessons they have taught and are teaching me. Each of my children amaze me. Ben has NEVER been a cuddly child. Luke always has been, but recently Ben's favorite thing to do is to come to me and say "Mommy, hold you me" We sit in the rocking chair and he asks me to "open my belly" which means lift my shirt and he takes his precious blankie and puts the blue velvety side down so the baby can feel it and he lays his head on my belly and rubs his blankie on my belly. He sometimes falls asleep doing this and sometimes we just sit and watch TV. It is one of the most sacred parts of my day and I look forward to it so much and am dreading the day that the belly is gone and he no longer does this.

Luke amazes me with his wisdom. I was floored a day last week when I was complaining of being tired and achy and Luke combatted my poor attitude with "well mommy, at least the baby is still alive. We need to be thankful for that." From the mouth of babes! These boys keep me grounded, humbled and focused on what is important and I consider it my greatest privilege to be their mommy. I just cannot wait to see what this baby girl has to teach me!

On another note: We have an ultrasound, non stress test, and doctor appointment tomorrow morning. My c section is scheduled for next week and they just want to be sure she is not too huge. They are expecting her to be a big girl though, which will be very different for us...our babies have typically been early and small...she is showing us just how much of her own person she is going to be and just how new of a thing God is doing in and through her! Please continue to pray for us as we prepare our home and hearts for her arrival. We know the Lord has great things in store in the weeks ahead!