Forgiveness

So a month or so ago I had written a comment on a good friend's blog about forgiveness. She was struggling with the idea of forgiving the hospital staff responsible for her son's trauma and eventual passing away. I can say that I cannot for one minute pretend to know her heartache. In our case we have really been treated like gold by the medical professionals around us. We have been blessed with great doctors and nurses, in OUR case the health of our babies has been completely out of our hands and the hands of any human. I can't imagine the anger and frustration she feels, knowing that because of one person's irresponsible actions her life will never be the same.

After offering her my advice I got to thinking..."Wow! Kristy that all sounds great but do you take your own advice?"

Here is the advice I had to offer:

I am so sorry . I cannot imagine the anger you feel. All I can say is that it is okay to be angry, and though this is for some unknown reason part of God's plan it is ok to tell him you think it stinks and that you are angry, it is ok to scream to the Heavens and ask Him why. As for forgiveness. I think sometimes we mistake what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is for you. It is not for those who caused you this intense pain. It is not in any way condoning what was done to your family, it is NOT saying it is ok. It isn't ok. It never will be.The word forgiveness actually means to untie. Your anger and disdain toward those who are responsible tie you to them. When you forgive you break that tie. You choose to let go of the anger and the hate, because ultimately those feelings will never hurt those who hurt you, they will however destroy you. You can forgive someone and that is not saying you are excusing the act or that they should not be held responsible for their actions. Forgiveness is a gift you deserve to give yourself, though it may take a long time, it will lessen the grip that the negative feelings have on you and will release you to embrace the blessings in your life.

I hope this doesn't sound preachy or anything, I think you need to be gentle with yourself, the way your son's birth story played out is beyond my own comprehension and you have every right to be angry and it might take you a LONG time to get to the point of forgiveness, but I do pray that one day you will be able to forgive, not for the irresponsible neglectful person who caused you this pain, but for you. Love you ! I am so sorry you are hurting and I pray that very soon God will grant you the desires of your heart. I am here for you if you need ANYTHING at all!

Now, I am here to tell you that I firmly believe every word of that comment I left for her, and yet as I examine my own life I have found an area where I too have been unwilling to forgive. I have been a hypocrite. As humans it really does feel like forgiveness is saying "it's okay." or "the wrong thing you did has been forgotten" and that is just not so. Forgiveness does not make the offense go away. It doesn't suddenly make the person who did wrong not guilty. It frees us. It unties us from the anger and hate that will ultimately only bring us down.

So as I think of my own life, I have struggled to be able to forgive my mother. She took her own life in 1988, I was nine years old. She made a choice that affected my family in a way that has been devastating and I have held onto the anger for a long long time. I have been unwilling to forgive because no matter what, no matter how bad things were, no matter how sick she was, what she did changed the course of MY life and the lives of my family in ways I never imagined and that is just not ok. Her act, in my mind is not excusable. Though my story is hugely different from my friend I spoke of at the beginning of this post, I have also struggled with forgiving and continue to. I have felt that forgiving my mom meant that I was condoning what she did and I could never do that.

So, I am making the choice to forgive today. I am letting go of the anger that brings me down. I will never ever say that what my mother did is ok. I am just not going to let it tie me to her with anger and hate. Now this is not to say that ok, today I make this choice and suddenly like waving a magic wand and the hurt and anger are gone. I expect that this like many of my other hurts is something I am going to have to lay down at the foot of the cross regularly. I am just going to have to give it to God. Those feelings I expect are going to sneak back in and when they do I am going to have to just hand them over. The bottom line is that we have been forgiven and God expects us to also forgive. He understands our hurts and he wants to comfort us but we have to be willing to hand it all over to Him to allow him to heal us. Forgiveness is a gift we need to give ourselves.

Is there someone in your life that you have been unable or unwilling to forgive? If so, give this some thought. I will be glad to pray with you or for you as you walk the path to forgiveness. It is a freeing feeling