A Struggle With Contentment

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."Hebrews 13:4-6

It has been a while since I have really sat down and blogged. I have posted updates or prayer requests but when it comes to the nitty gritty, I have been lacking in words. In some ways I think I have been in kind of a funk and in some ways maybe I have allowed myself to become a little complacent. I have been struggling with many things like the idea of prayer, church, and if I am being honest, envy.

For a long time now when we are out in public I look at a family and wonder what their story is. I imagine that they have lived a life far easier than my own (though I am very aware that things are not always what they seem), I see a family FULL of kids and wish so badly that each of my children were here with me. Sometimes I get so angry when I am so often asked "is this your first pregnancy?" and I reply with "no, it is my fifth.". I always say it is my fifth, I never sugar coat the truth. Our story is what it is. This is my fifth pregnancy, but when I think about it, it ticks me off that though I have been pregnant nearly constantly for the past six years, I have only two living children. It just doesn't set well with me. I think for quite sometime I have felt these feelings of entitlement. I went through pregnancy and so I deserve a baby. I deserve to have all of my children here in my home.

In the past few weeks I have really tried to do some searching and praying and am finding a huge change taking place in my heart. I am still not sure that I will ever be "ok" with the idea that I will never again hold Isaac or Asher this side of Heaven. It still makes no sense to me and just doesn't seem right.

The impending arrival of their baby sister has gotten me thinking even more. My heart goes back and forth between fear of losing another child, and extreme excitement at the idea of bringing her home. I do not believe I am pessimistic, just realistic. My reality is that of four pregnancies, I brought home two babies and, two babies went Home. That makes my record 50/50. I have learned not to take a single moment of pregnancy for granted. Not one ultrasound or heartbeat has been taken lightly. I am keenly aware of the miracle that is going on within by body and of all of the lessons the Lord has taught me through Isaac and Asher.

What I have been feeling the Lord trying to teach me these days is contentment. As I have said, I still struggle without two of my boys here and I don't for one minute pretend to like or understand why they were taken from me so soon, but because I know God's word is true, I also know his plan is good. I know that through all of it he has never left me or forsaken me even though at times it has felt like it.

He is teaching me not to long for the lives I see others living, but to be content with the life he has given ME. He chose me to be the mommy of Luke, Isaac, Ben, Asher and this baby girl. It has not been an easy path, but I AM blessed. If I had it to do over I would do it all in a minute because the love I have known because of each of those babies far outweighs the heartache of saying good bye. I am learning to let go of some of the anger and sadness and embrace my life for what it is. There are some things we just have NO control over, we must just accept them and do the best we can. That is all I can do. I must be content with what I have.

Yesterday we had another ultrasound. I still held my breath as the technician moved that wand across my belly, yet the tears streaming down my face were tears of joy as I gazed upon the miracle of the little gymnast moving about. She still did NOT allow for any photos, but this time it was because she would not stay still. We got to see her yawn and suck her hand and move about and it was just amazing to see the work the Lord has done over the past nine months. She shook her head and wiggled her feet and allowed for a firm confirmation that she is indeed a SHE. The technician said that her head was very low and difficult to measure but that everything looked right on track. She is weighing in at 6lb 11 oz give or take a half a pound. Her heart is beating perfectly and she is practice breathing regularly. She really could choose to arrive at anytime now.

We left that appointment and Howard and I went to dinner (since we already had a sitter and knew these moments would be few and far between all too soon) and as we sat there talking we could not stop talking about what it would be like to have a newborn at home again and how we thought the boys would react. We laughed and reminisced about bringing home Luke and then Ben. We talked about how neat it would be to bring this baby girl home to four brothers and how spoiled she is going to be. We are pretty sure she will NEVER get put down, and we are really ok with that!

And last night as I walked past the nursery door and saw her room for the millionth time it sunk in. For too long now it has all seemed too surreal, and suddenly last night as I gazed into that perfect girly room, I was able to envision a sweet baby sleeping beneath her name on the wall (which we left space for but is NOT there yet because we must meet her before naming her, though we do have a good idea), I saw myself standing at the changing table folding cloth diapers and listening to her coo while I put them away.

The Lord makes each of our children just as He sees fit. Some have red hair, some blonde, some have blue eyes and some brown, some have hot tempers, while others are mild mannered. Some have developmental delays, and some have physical impairments. Some are meant to stay for a long time, and others only a moment. He trusts these children, His children to us as gifts. They are not ours, but His and they each bless us in a different way and take up residence in a different part of our hearts we never knew existed. Even the children who are only with us briefly bless us with immense gifts that will never be erased or forgotten. One doesn't replace another and each one is as valuable as the next. I have been blessed FIVE times. I am still trying to wrap my mind around that and find contentment with the blessings He has bestowed upon me even when there is pain intertwined with the joy. I am learning that feeling joy for the NEW thing the Lord is doing in my life does not replace the loss that I feel daily.