Monday, March 24, 2008

Postpartum Appointment

Well, today has been an extremely tough day for me. It was my 4 week postpartum appointment. I told Howard to stay home with the boys since they weren't feeling well and figured it wasn't a big deal. I was wrong. Once I got into the waiting room filled with joyous pregnant moms and moms with their new babies my heart sank. I SHOULD be sitting here with my one month old baby! It also brought back all of the memories of all of my appointments while I was pregnant.

I was taken to the exam room and after what seemed like forever but was probably 10 minutes my doctor came in. He hugged me and sat down to chat. He asked how I was and what we had been up to. We talked and he checked my physical healing. He reminded me that if at any point I felt that I needed to talk to someone or get medication to help me sleep or deal with things I should let him know immediately. I told him I am doing fine and didn't want to medicate myself at this point as I feel it is still normal to feel a bit depressed.

Then it came...the moment I had been dreading. He asked "What about birth control?" A long time ago Howard and I had decided against birth control. We want a big family and feel that God knows better than we do. It is our opinion that it should not be up to us when and if we have children. I am also not terribly comfortable with messing with my hormones. this point I am confused...Howard and I STILL want that big family, we still believe God should be in control of all of this and it should not be up to us. I hesitated however because though I want another child more than anything ad though I love being pregnant, I am not sure I can do this again. Don't get me wrong, Isaac and Asher have both been amazing blessings to our family but it has been a tough road and I cannot imagine my heart being any more broken. The test results are not back yet but doctors believe I will probably have a 1 in 4 chance of having a baby with microcephaly ever time I get pregnant. I am just not sure what to do with that information.

He gave me a bag full of birth control samples and told me to take my time but he wanted me to have them if I wanted them. So I drove home alone in the car with a bag of birth control pills I truly don't want but am so confused as to what to do. I know many think it is too early to think about this but it is a fact of life...if we don't think about it we will likely end up pregnant again. It has always happened so easy for us. So today I am struggling to sift through this confusion...I desperately want another baby, but am unsure I can handle losing another one and it is a 25% chance it will happen again. But if I trust that God is in control is this something I need to think about. They say he won't give us more than we can handle...


M. said...

I'm so sorry. What a horrible time to be faced with the stress and confusion of this decision. I'll be praying for you that God will clearly settle this matter in both of your minds- that you will have no doubt what path to follow.

Love in Christ,

Anonymous said...

I pray that you and Howard find the answers you need. I pray for peace in your heart and mind. And know that it is true, God will only give you what you can handle. And he knows how strong you are. Stronger than I could ever imagine to be. God bless you Kristy and Howard. And please know that I am here for you.


Rachel said...

Just wanted to let you know that I am sorry that today was so difficult. I will be praying that God gives you and Howard wisdom in deciding what to do about birth control. I am to exactly in your situation but have had to struggle with that decision as I want many children but have had 6 miscarriages (I do have two beautiful daughters). I sometimes wonder how much my heart and my body can take but at this time God is leading us to try for a third. I pray for peace and comfort on your journey.
Hugs Rachel in PA

Laurie in Ca. said...

Oh Kristy,

A rough day for sure and I am so sorry that it hurts so much. I am trusting God to help you and Howard with this decision. This heartbreak of losing Isaac and then Asher is a hard one to think of facing again. I am praying that as you put your trust in the Lord, He will direct your path in this. I want you to know I will be here to walk with you in whatever you choose to pray and lend support. You are such a special lady and I think of you daily, asking Him to bring you through in His time.

Love and Prayers, Laurie in Ca.

Kim ( said...

I am sorry you are hurting and I want you to know that I continue to pray for you. I will pray that He will make clear the direction you should go.
With love,

Anonymous said...

I want to say all the right things to you and I would never say anything to you to deliberately hurt you (you have more than your share of hurt right now). But as concerns birth control I urge you to consider this, you are unfairly stacked in this department. I firmly believe that God never gives us more than we can handle, but He also helps those who help themselves. Your heart will be forever fragile and you need to think about yourself a little bit (I know you must think this impossible!) and also about your other boys. I don't think it would serve any purpose of God's to see you burdened and broken any more. Just a thought, and said kindly, please believe me. I pray that whatever decision you make, it will leave your heart peaceful. Your dream of a big family need not be abandoned, God may just have other plans for you!

With love and prayers,


Pete, Ali, Charlie and Rosie said...

Dear Kristy,
I just had to write and tell you that I understand where you are coming from. We lost our first son, Will, fifteen minutes after his birth to a lethal genetic condition called Meckel-Gruber syndrome. This also has a 25% recurrence risk. Our second son, Charlie, escaped Meckel-Gruber, but has an incurable heart condition called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome - genetic recurrence risks, as yet, unknown. Charlie is now four. I just needed to let you know that there are others of us out here, agonising over the same issues as you are right now. We would love more kids, but don't know whether any future children we may have will end up with one or other condition, or even both. It is so hard sometimes, to hear other parents deciding whether to have more kids based on finances, work situations, enough bedrooms, or even enough seats in the car, when we have so much more to consider. My husband and I are going to leave our situation in God's hands, and deal with whatever happens as and when we need to. Even so, it doesn't take away the fear and desperate hoping that all will be well next time. I'm sorry to ramble on so long, I just wanted to send you my love, and tell you that we're praying for you all every day, and hoping that you find the answers and peace that you need. With love XXX

Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) said...

Hugs to you...

Kassiah said...

I am new to your blog but am praying for you and was thinking of you over the entire weekend. I will be praying that your decision becomes more clear to you, but I think you already know what to do. Love you even though we have never met. Kassiah

TheOilHippie said...

My situation is totally different and nowhere near as painful, but I can relate some. After two healthy babies, I had two miscarriages and then decided to adopt. While researching adoption my DH was put on medication for an auto-immune disorder that could cause a future child to have serious birth defects. I have not wanted to use birth control - don't like the hormones, the risks, and I am Catholic - so I have NOT. We adopted a little girl and we have been very careful. It has been five years since my last pregnancy. We use good judgement but at the same time we have put it in God's hands. I am so sorry for all your pain, loss and suffering.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I have had many conversations about family planning and like you and Howard, we feel that God is in control of our family size and that using birth control would somehow be taking matters into our own hands. It's easy to do because the option is there but we truly believe that ONLY God knows what is best for our family. I know this is easy for me to say, because I have not lost two children and I'm completely opposite from you in that I have an extremely difficult time getting pregnant. In fact, I was told I would never be pregnant but God blessed us with a son. I find that this decision to leave our family size entirely in God's hands is a very unpopular decision and many people have even called it "irresponsible" but I just wanted to confirm the decision that you and Howard have made. We'll be praying for you as you seek God's will in this area.

Kim said...

I know that God will lead you. In the midst of infertility and desperately wanting to be pregnant, my good friend told me "Adoption worked for us". I was hurt because I still didn't want to give up on ever being pregnant. Little did I know that was just a bug passed from God to her to me-in the middle of treatments we met our baby girl that we later adopted in the most extraordinary way. We were later blessed with 2 natural pregnancies.
So forgive me if I overstep by suggesting-it worked for us! I pray that God gives you your BIG family. I cannot imagine a better family to add members to.

meela said...

Hi Kristy,

We are facing the same decision at this very moment. We will most likely be trying again, taking the risk of having another child like Annabelle. I think we all face risks when we decide to have children. Whether there is a genetic condition or not. Who knows what hurt and pain they will have to endure, and the hurt we will in turn feel. My Annabelle had a blessed life and was an extraordinary blessing to me. Of course it hurt, terribly, but, I feel I can take the risk, because she didn't suffer and we have all been deeply enriched by her life. We have grown stronger, wiser, compassionate, humble, grateful, forgiving, loving, because we have known Annabelle. Not to mention the growth in our faith.

Having said all this, I know that losing Asher after having already lost Isaac was very, very hard, so you and your husband will have to make the decision for yourself and for no one else.

It has been interesting reading people's comments about this and to read your blog on the exact week that we have decided to face this decision head on.

Thank you for sharing. I always enjoy reading your blog. E-mail me if you feel up to it!


Jenny said...


My heart is heavy for you... having to make this decision so soon. I'm sure the heartbreak of losing Isaac and then Asher is a hard one to think of facing again. I pray that you find the answers you need.

I'll be here to cheer you on irregardless of your decision.


Sonja said...

Follow your heart. God will lead, guide and direct you.

God Bless you in this confusing time of your life.

Meredith said...

I'm praying for you know and praying God will pour out wisdom into both you and Howard's spirit. I pray her will be you both peace when it comes to making the decision regarding birth control.

Crazy question, but have you both thought about the over the counter "Encare"? It is a birth control with NO hormones and NO side effects. The only drawback to it all is the "bullet" like it is called has to be inserted in the vagina (very easy) but you have to wait 10 min prior to having sex. I felt the same way after we felt we were done having kids and I really didn't want any part of oral birth control due to hormones and such. Just a thought.....

God Bless you today and may he bring you peace that passes all understanding.

Destini said...

So much to think hard to think about making yourself vaunerable again. I am praying for wisdom and discernment for you and your husband, that it will be made undoubtedly clear to you both what needs to be done and what direction to take.

Melissa Dovel said...

Praying for your path to be made clear and in unison. Yeild untill you are clear of what the Lord wants for you and HE is way bigger than all of this. I am so sorry for your day in the doctors office you are 100% right that should have been you with your child.

Blessings to you,

Anonymous said...

I will continue to pray for your family as I have since stumbling across your blog. Thanks for sharing your journey with all of us.

As a pastors wife I've talked to many women concerning this same issue. My husband and I have also had to make the decision to seek fertility treatment becuase pregnancy wasn't occuring normally. I've come to the conclusion that God puts people in our paths with wisdom to become medical providers and recommend the medication that we need. My only advise is to prayerfully seek God and follow that feeling he puts in your heart/soul.

Praying for you daily,

Jane said...

I too hate the OB/GYN office...not having children, it stinks to set there with all those that are able to get pregnant!

and I totally understand the BC pills or not. Now that I am 41, and have some health issues of my own, most would suggest BC...but the chemical route does nothing for me either. God knows and His timing is best for me.

I'm praying for you and Howard.

God will be there for you to lean on when you don't think you have the strength to carry on...because without Him, you couldn't take another step, even without a life storm.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry monday was a hard day for you. I was thinking about what you said about using birth control. There are other forms of birth control that will not affect your hormones. Did your Dr. suggest those too? Condoms, Counting the days on the calender, Daphram, etc. That may be the route to take. I will be praying for you and Howard.
PLease also be cautious of not being able to sleep at night, this is a warning sign of Post-partum depression. I am helping a friend get through it now. It can be a long raod if you are not careful. No one will think any less of you if you ask for help. Amy K.

Tara W. said...

I know that Asher did not have T18, but here is an article from MSN that made me think of you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your journey with us, including the joys and the tears. Your authenticity is so valuable, and to be honest, rather rare to find these days.

I just wanted to share something that might be a good resource. Please take it or leave it freely.

I was on birth control pills for years for ovarian cysts. At that same time, I also dealt with severe clinical depression. A few years ago, I decided a break from the pill would be wonderful, even if it meant I had an ovarian cyst rupture. Amazingly, my depression lifted over time. Then, when I got engaged, we decided to try the pill again, and the depression and mood swings came back immediately. Against my doctor's advice, I chose to discontinue the pill, and now we follow Toni Weschler's Taking Charge of Your Fertility book. It's similar to the Catholic Natural Family Planning, but without the religious limitations/opinions that we felt were beyond what Scripture says. So far, it has worked for us for two years. We do not know what it will look like should God give us a baby later on this year when we hope to start trying, but for now, it has been very helpful. My doctor scoffed at me, but I wish someone had given me this book when I was a teenager trying to understand my body. What's also been special is the way my husband and I can talk about it, and how he helps me remember each morning to take my temp. I feel like we are in it together, and it's not just up to me to be putting some chemical in my body.

Anyway, I hope that might help in your decision making process. You've been in my thoughts and prayers all along, though I've never commented. May God hold you all close to Him and to each other, and may He give you comfort and peace as you wrestle with the grief and pain. And may you know His presence and how big He is when it feels most dark.