Monday, September 22, 2008

The Ground You Walk on is Holy

I cannot seem to stop the tears today. I do have faith and the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that the day will come when my entire family is reunited. I have faith, I have hope, and I am blessed, but the pain still cuts so deep.

It seems unimaginable that thirty eight months and two days ago I sat in a hospital room with my husband and kissed my second son's forehead as he slipped away. I watched my strong husband hold his beloved son as he took his last labored breath. We exhausted ourselves praying that our son would beat the odds. He would live. Then we were blasted with the truth that God chose something different for our family. Isaac now lives with Him.

Three months into the grief journey we found out we were expecting our third child. We tried the best we could to pick up the pieces, hand them all to God and look forward to the arrival of our new miracle. We were told that having another child with Isaac's same health issues was not of concern as he had contracted a virus inutero and my body was now immune to that virus.
We enjoyed every moment of this pregnancy knowing that there are no guarantees but secretly thinking that there was no way God would command us to walk that road again. Blessings abounded and our third son was bigger than his older brothers, by a lot, he always measured big as if to assure us that he was a different child that came with new hopes and dreams of his own.

Benjamin came into the world perfect and healthy on a blessed day in July of 2006. I sat in a hospital room with hope. I would get to take this boy home. Luke would get to be a big brother. Isaac was not forgotten, but with Benjamin came hope and healing. It was as if God was reassuring us that we would make it.

Then just seven months ago today, I sat in a hospital surrounded by closest friends and family and watched as my fourth son slipped away.
It seems so unfair. TWICE! Really,God, Really? TWICE? Who are we that you would ask us to carry this burden? How on earth are we supposed to do justice to this cross you have chosen for us?, we are just an ordinary family who wants to live a simple life, love eachother, and honor you. This morning I woke up with those words on the tip of my tongue. I headed for the Bible to see if He had anything for me to soothe my aching heart. He led me to the book of Exodus, the story of Moses. Coincidence? Not a chance!

I read the story of Moses...(this is my translation, I encourage you to read it for yourself from your Bible, as I am loosely paraphrasing)

I started in chapter 3. Here is poor Moses, minding his own business. Tending sheep for his father-in-law, he was just an ordinary guy, doing a quite ordinary job. He led the sheep through the desert to the mountain of God. There he saw a bush, it was on fire, but it wasn't burning up. So he decided to take a closer look. The Lord appeared to him in the flames and called him..."Moses, Moses!"

Moses must have been a little freaked out, but said "Here I am". God warned him not to come any closer, and commanded him to take his shoes off, stating that the ground he walked on was "holy". That ground had undoubtedly been walked on before by people, perhaps even Moses, with their shoes on, but in this moment on that particular ground, something bigger was happening. God revealed himself as the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and Moses looked away, afraid to look at God.
The Lord admitted to Moses that he had seen the suffering of His people in Egypt and was concerned. He revealed his plan to deliver the Israelites out of Egypt and told Moses to "go". He was sending Moses out to command that Pharaoh let them go.
Moses must have been shocked. He said to God, who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and lead the Israelites out of Egypt? I can only imagine he peed his pants! I mean really God? An ordinary Shepherd guy to go and stand up to Pharaoh!? And God just said, I will be with you! He didn't say it would be easy, he didn't say there would not be pain, suffering and wilderness wandering. He just said "I will be with you"

Okay so I read that story and then read it again and again. Trying to get what God was saying to me and my broken heart this morning. I got a few things, and if you bear with me I will try my best to share them.

First, I pondered the idea of Holy Ground. I have struggled for so long to describe what it is like to hold your child as they die. This is it. This phrase describes it exactly. A moment that is tragic and heartbreaking, seemingly scary and sickening, yet there is a peace and beauty about it. When I think back to July 20, 2005 and February 22, 2008, that my friends was "holy ground". Such immense loss and sadness, yet such a sense that there is something so much bigger than all of that, intense pain and immeasurable peace. Those are certainly not moments I would have chosen to experience, but I hold on to those memories like life sustaining air. Those were "holy ground" moments. We all have them I am sure. From the outside it seems as though the worst moment one could even imagine. I mean I knew ahead of time with Asher that it was likely that he would not survive, and I worried about what people would think about standing in my room and holding and loving my dead son, we were planning for this. I can honestly tell you though I wish the outcome were different, it was the most amazing day of my life. A day where I actually saw the body of Christ, and his arms were embracing my family. There was something so much bigger going on that the anticipated awkwardness of people thinking it was morbid. The ground in that room was certainly holy ground.

I also struggle with why for even an instant God thought I could handle any of this. I am just an ordinary person, a stay at home mom who simply wants to enjoy my family and make a good home for them. I never bargained for any of what I have been handed. But...then again, who does? We aren't given those choices. No one would ever choose them. There are no guarantees, and what God plans often looks nothing like what we plan. Not comforting I know, but again, I doubt very much God is interested in our comfort. He asks us to just be obedient. To carry on when we feel we can no longer move because He is there. He is with us and that is all we need to know. heart is still hurting, the tears are still flowing, I do not understand any of this, I have no idea why so many people today are suffering in so many ways. He doesn't ask me to understand, he just asks be to believe that He is there, He knows best, and he will work it all out for the good of those who love them.

So in short, I really didn't figure anything out and it is likely I won't, I mean what could possibly make any of this make sense in our minds anyhow? I ask you to continue to pray for us as we figure out how to live this life God has chosen for us. I pray that through our pain we can bring him some sort of glory.

Thank you all for being faithful in prayer, and for remembering my boys today. There is an emptiness in my arms today where a seven month old baby should be and I struggle with that. We are a family of six and I miss my boys so much!


mrsrubly said...

oh kristy how i wish i could just give a great big hug. i could feel the pain and hurt (that's mild) in your post. just know that i my friend, will carry you and pray w/out ceasing for you and your family today. i know that it's got to be so hard today to pick yourself up and praise god. he will be there..standing right beside you carrying your load. "i will never leave you forsake" Love God!!

Laurie in Ca. said...

Sweet Kristy,

I am praying for you during this time when it hurts so much. You are allowing God to have glory right now as you so honestly do not understand but still put your trust in Him. I love you and your heart and pray that He breathes His sweet comfort all over you. Yes, you are a family of six and always will be. Isaac and Asher's lives mattered and they have been so loved and such a blessing to many, still. Praying for peace for you as none of this makes sense right now. I just know the Lord is with you always. And just as God used good old Moses, He uses you and me and so many other ordinary people. It seems to please Him and He trusts us. Amazing. Asking God to surround you with His hope and joy today and in the days ahead. I always feel the holy ground when I read what you write about your boys.

Love and Many Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

Anonymous said...


Still praying for and thinking of you and your family...wishing there were some tangible way to take even a bit of that pain and sorrow off your shoulders.

love to you,

J. in OH

Lisa said...

Oh Kristy,

I was lucky enough to get to be there while you were still able to hold Asher in your arms. I NEVER, not for one second thought it was morbid for you to be holding your child's body. I felt more love, more strength, more faith, in that room than I think I ever have in my life. It very truly was holy ground. I am blessed to have been able to see your beautiful son, to see the gift he is with my own eyes, and to witness a mother's and father's love like no other in those moments in your hospital room.


Steve+Marie Douglas said...

Kristy - My heart is with you. I just pray HIS Spirit be your comfort. Last night I read John 14:26-27 It helped me. Sometimes there is no understanding what we are facing. We live our life in total faith. Faith like we never imagined faith to be. To walk continually onward honoring THE NAME OF THE LORD through our circumstances. Not sure of how we are doing it but doing it! YOU ARE IN MY HEART MY DEAR!

Corie said...

Oh my sweet Kristy. I so would love to just chat with you for awhile. I think we would have ALOT to talk over! I just read each and every word and am always amazed at so many similarities in our voices yet one thing my sweet sister in have had to do this not once but twice. I know my pain and yet I ache for you as you have been called to do this twice. Why? I ask that myself. I wish I had amazing words of comfort and yet I don't. Nothing except that I am on my knees praying for your aches and heartache for your 2 sons who are with the Lord. I really am at a loss for words. Im calling you soon!

Tiffany said...

May God truly bless you guys.

Heart4Adoption said...

Kristy, my heart just breaks for your situation. The glory that God is getting through your life as you keep running to Him and lifting your eyes to Him is a testimony to many. Your sweet family of 6 will be reunited.

Shannon said...

Kristy, you have been on my heart all day. And then I come here and hear your pain but see you looking to Him. It's hard, I know. Putting one foot in front of the other, doing the day after day thing, and just keep on keeping on are all a natural part of going through it all. You're such an amazing example to me. You're honest in your struggles, but yet you never fail to see Him.

I'm praying my friend. Shannon

zanesmommy said...

Kristy, I pray that you are finding stregth today. In my QT I read this verse and thought of you and your post.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

The VW's said...

My favorite person in the Bible is Moses. He was such a humble person and just trusted God. I see some similarities of him in you. You have been 'asked' to carry these burdens and although you falter, because you are human, you continue to trust in God and share His word with others! You may ask, "Why me? I'm 'just' a mom.", but the scripture and faith that you share on this site just may be why! Just like God was there for Moses, He is with you. He knows that you have the faith and trust to glorify Him even in the midst of severe heartache. He has given you this and from where I sit, I see that you are doing such an amazing job!

Here a few quotes that I read this morning:

"Our hope begins and ends in God, the source of all hope." Mary Lou Redding

"Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out." Vaclav Havel

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." Psalm 31:24

I'll be praying for you sweet friend!

Millicent said...

((hugs)) heart hurts for you so much when I read posts like this, yet I am awed by the way that you continue to praise God the way you do...I pray that He will bless you with peace and comfort today.

{darlene} said...

Your heart is shared so clearly in this post. Thank you for speaking out on your Holy Ground.


Erika said...

Kristy, I am so sorry.
I just experienced a miscarriage 2 weeks ago and it is has been so incredibly painful. I never thought I would ache and hurt so badly. I feel like I have been given a very small glimpse into the window of your pain. I still can't imagine what you are going through. But I will say this - when I found out I was losing our baby, I knew I wanted to visit your blog. You write with such honesty and your courage and strength and trust in the Lord shines through as such a testimony. You have encouraged me so much. I just wanted to let you know that. I am praying for you daily and I pray He will bless you & give you the peace & comfort that only He can give.

Lots of hugs & prayers,
Erika in NH

Elena said...

I'm so sorry that your heart is heavy this week. I hope that you will be able to find peace through all this. I am sure you will probably always grieve for your sons, what mom wouldn't. But I pray that you will be able to find joy and happiness too. I know that our Heavenly Father truly wants that for you. Hang in there!

Laura said...

Thinking of you tonight...this is all so are right on to see the promise we can hang onto is that He is here...always. Wish I was there to sit with you too. Praying for rest for your weary heart, mind and body. xoxo

So Blessed said...

I'm lifting you up in prayer, sweet the One who is more than able to sustain you.


Jesse said...

I am praying for your sweet heart, Kristy.

I wish we knew the answers to some of life's hardest questions, and yet sometimes, I am thankful I dont. It makes my "God-answer" better: He knows what is best and is working all things for my good. No, I dont understand. Yes, I wish I had logical answers and reasons. But since I dont, I'm going to trust His word, and remember that He loves me and just like any loving parent (only 100% better), He DOES have a plan, and it all with my best intentions in mind.

I'm so sorry your heart is hurting, and I pray His peace for you. Hug Luke and Ben extra tight- I know I will be hugging my daughter a little tighter too.