Polka Dot Girl

Here is my girl in the dress I bought in a leap of faith while I was still pregnant with her. I love it and now she has already outgrown it! Praise God for a healthy baby! Something I will NEVER take for granted again!

He's Got the Whole World

Tonight Howard and I watched a video sermon of Andy Stanley, a pastor from North Point Community church in Georgia. We enjoy his books and messages and since we missed church this morning due to severe Albion Fair hangover and a case of pink eye we thought we would have a little church right here at home.

I digress, the sermon we watched was titled "He's *Still Got the Whole World in His Hands." It was encouraging to me. It didn't seem like a pastor up on a stage, preaching to those in unimaginable circumstances with cliches and fast fixes, or just believe it because it is. It was compassionate and thought provoking.

He spoke about how most often God uses extreme brokenness in this life for the most remarkable things. I often have people come up to me and ask how I go on living after losing two of my sweet children, or tell me how brave or strong I am because I do continue to put one foot in front of the other. I am here to tell you my friends, I am neither brave nor strong. God is. There have been SO many moments in my life thus far where the hand of God seems a miss. He seems completely absent, and yet I know beyond a shadow of a doubt He is there.

There is nothing even remotely remarkable about me. I am ordinary, I am a sinner, and I fail miserably and yet God continues to love me. He picks me up dusts me off and uses me as only He can. When life began to spin out of control on that July day in 2005, the day of Isaac's birth I never for one minute could begin to comprehend how a God who supposedly loved ME could allow such intense pain and heartache into my life and to be honest I still wrestle with it a little. How could he take my little boy from me as I wept and prayed over him? How could he allow that little guy to come into the world only drift back out of it six days later? What was the point? Then to get the diagnosis of our Asher in November of 2007 after being told that we had no reason to be concerned about losing another baby I hit a low. I felt targeted, I felt lost and abandoned.

After Isaac died it took me a while to catch my breath, but I did and I regained my footing, and I put my trust in the only One who could bring beauty from the pain I was living with. To get hit with another such loss seemed like a low blow. I honestly began to question everything. The world was spinning and I was standing still I knew nothing for certain anymore and God? Heck what kind of God would allow such things? And yet again I caught my breath. Then we were pregnant again, there was question about our new baby girl's 18 week sonogram and her brain and head size, then her diagnosis of EB and currently difficult finances. All of these things are stressful, they cause confusion and uncertainty. Yet one thing remains certain. Our God is NEVER uncertain. He works all things for the good of those who love him...eventually. :)

In today's world EVERYTHING seems so uncertain. He is the only constant we can cling to. In those times when all seems lost, can you still put your hope and trust in the One who loves you with a passion you cannot even imagine? How has your faith changed or been stressed in your times of darkness?

In a broken world filled with such uncertainty isn't it just comforting to know that there will ALWAYS be one constant?... He does STILL have the whole world in His hands.

Hope is Three Months Old!

I CANNOT believe it but my baby girl is already three months old. I apologize for the tardiness of this post as she actually turned three months on the first, but life with a child in school is a little crazier than I had expected!

So here is the lowdown on Hope these days:

She is still wearing 0-3 month clothes (but probably shouldn't, I just can't bear to pack them away)

She is still nursing exclusively.

She is smiley most of the time, especially when her brothers are talking to her.

She prefers to be held by mommy ALL the time

She hates the car still. She prefers to be held and doesn't like the stroller either. So most of the time I wear her. I can't say I mind. :)

She loves the beach.

She LOVES white noise. During fussy times, the hood of the range and the vacuum are our friends.

She is drooling like crazy!

She loves to sing, especially WHILE nursing. Weird but oh so cute.

She is bright eyed and awake for a good portion of the day now.

She HATES taking her Prevacid, but it seems to be doing the trick.

I am not sure how big she is because we have not been to the doctor since her two month visit. (yes that is a record)

She continues to do well. She has not blistered AT ALL again praise God. We do find her skin to be fragile though and she scratches and scrapes easily.

She likes sleeping in her swing.

She is such a joy! We love her so very much and thank God every day for the miracle he is doing in her. I sometimes have to pinch myself when I see how great she is doing. After her diagnosis I NEVER imagined things could ever be this "normal". I pray they continue this way.

Thank you ALL for your continued prayers! We are hanging in there and Hope is amazing us all! :)

Sinking In

Last night I was lying in bed and Howard came in to read before going to sleep. He asked how I was doing as I had just showered and not re-emerged to finish our Wii game. I looked at him and said, "Howard, there is a chance that this baby might live." the words just spilled out and then came the tears. He looked at me bewildered and said "Yes, Kristy, this baby is going to live. It sounds to me like someone has been feeding you lies" It had just hit me. I had been living the past twenty one weeks telling God that if He again chose to take my baby to Heaven that I would trust and willingly give them over despite how badly I wanted to keep them, preparing myself for that, never thinking about the idea that He might allow this baby to remain a part of our family here on Earth, just not allowing myself to go there.

I struggle with the idea of hope. We use the word freely. "I hope the results are good." "I hope we get to go on vacation." " I hope we get to sleep tonight." We use the word when we don't fully expect something to happen but we want it to. The word hope in the Bible is used differently. It is used as a word to describe something we fully believe but cannot see.

I fully believe that God has a plan for my life. I fully believe that that plan is good. I have struggled with the idea of hoping for a healthy baby. When I use the word hope in that context I have been using the worldly definition of the word hope. I truly want this baby to be healthy, yet in all honesty, I am not confident that it is truly what will happen. I am still struggling with that. I mean God has allowed two of my children to die in my arms. Why would he spare me this time? There is no indication that anything is wrong, I know God is doing something new, that is certain. Each of my children have been a new blessing from God. Each of them similar yet so different. I know this baby will be no exception to that. I am just not sure how to be confident that God will allow me to bring this baby home. I am certainly not exempt from more suffering.

I am still keenly aware of the fact that NONE of us know what tomorrow holds. We just have to trust God and keep living for Him. I will admit though I am feeling reassured and the possibility of bringing a little one home this spring makes my heart leap for joy, I am allowing myself to begin to dream of all things newborn. I am praying that the next ultrasound on February 23 (the day after Asher's birthday) goes as well. I am so very grateful that they were able to see and measure the brain structures and other vital organs. As for the gender...really, and in all honesty...it just doesn't matter. I know that God knows what is best for our family. Should He bless us with a fifth son I will be just as excited as if he chooses to bless us with our first daughter.



The truth is that I LOVE being the mommy to boys. I also love being the only girl in the house. That said, I would love to have a Cabbage Patch Doll in the house and play Barbies (though the teenage girl part...scares me a little, okay, a lot). If I got to choose boy or girl...I am not sure I even could. So I am okay with waiting, that part will reveal itself in time whether at the next scan or not until birth, we are just thrilled that this baby is growing and developing on track. We have found out the gender of each of our children through ultrasound but we are well aware of the fact that finding out the gender is not the purpose of ultrasound nor should it be.

Regardless of what the future holds, we know God is sovereign over all of it. He knows what is best for us and we are just trusting in his plan. Thank you all so much for praying for us. I am overwhelmed every day by the number of people loving and praying for our family. I am so thankful for each of you.

"I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!" My future is in your hands. Psalm 31:14-15

I am so glad that this scripture is true.

No News is Good News

Hello everyone! Sorry it has been so long since I last checked in. Thank you to the many who emailed me to check in on me. You are right...it isn't really like me to go so long without having SOMETHING to say! :-)

The thing is...I don't really have much to say! :-) We are doing well and keeping busy with typical family kind of stuff. We are just taking time to enjoy each other and the moment we are in. I will try to post some photo updates later. The boys are getting so big!

Sunday after church we decided to take them to the movies to see Madagascar 2. We were all sitting there and Ben and I were sharing a bag of Skittles and each time he would take one he would hold it up to me (in the dark) and say, "look ma, an orange one!" The first few times I praised him for knowing his colors (though they could really have been any color!) and then I began to just nod after about the 20th Skittle. Ben proceeded to grab my cheeks and turn my face to his and he looked right in my eyes and said "Mom, talk to me, use your words!" I almost peed my pants! It was too funny!

These are the kinds of things we are reveling in right now. Just the every day. Remembering to praise God and give thanks in all things. We are keeping our eyes fixed on Him and looking forward to what God has in store for us!

Many of you have asked when our next ultrasound is. It is a week from today, Tuesday January 27th at 4 p.m. EST. We would appreciate your prayers that day and the days leading up to that day. Asher's first birthday is quickly approaching and it is hard not to relive the memories of where we were at this time last year and not compare them with where we stand today. God continues to remind us that He is certainly doing a new thing and this little one who is dancing around inside of me is his newest gift to us. Our hearts still ache, but are filled with peace and hope.

Thank you all for loving us and for checking in. I promise I will keep you posted!

As We Wait Upon the Lord

I have been thinking a lot lately about the idea of waiting. Patience, has not always, OK, ever, been my strong suit. I like to have a plan laid out before me...I do not like having to wait to see what is next. This is something that right now, I feel the Lord is really trying to change in me. He is showing me that walking by faith, means sometimes not seeing the road ahead, but forging onward anyway, because that is where He is leading.

This pregnancy is really really really showing me that I must wait upon the Lord and then take the next step. Months ago we were wondering how God would have us grow our family, we were praying about what He wanted us to do, and we found out we were expecting a baby! There is an answer! :-) Since then it has been one day at a time. I am not very good at one day at a time, but I am learning. I am learning to take each day for what it is and count my blessings. I know that for today I have a wonderful husband, two great kids on earth, two in heaven and one who is growing well inside my body. For that I will rejoice.

I do not know what tomorrow brings, and for today, I need only to think of the cares of today. After our last ultrasound it was really tough for me to walk out of that office and rejoice that for today things look great, I wanted to just tuck that away knowing that the next scan may say something completely different. But, that is not what God is calling me to do. He is calling me to rejoice in EVERY little thing, every little blessing, knowing that though I do not know what tomorrow holds, that He has walked before me and has created this path. He has plans for me and they are good. That is all I need to know.

Today as I stood in our church worship center singing "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord" tears began welling up in my eyes. Sometimes He grows our strength not by doing, but simply by waiting. "He is the everlasting God" he doesn't grow tired, but we do and so sometimes he calls us simply to wait while he acts in his time.

As I think about the knowledge I have from His word I think of all of those in the Biblical record who have been called to wait. Waiting for the Lord to act in a seemingly impossible situation is an act of faith. Waiting for the Lord to act is not easy. It is tough, but I think it is necessary to strengthen our faith. By waiting on the Lord, we are admitting that we need Him, that we need His help, and that we cannot do it on our own.

Wait for the LORD; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14

Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. Isaiah 40:31

What I find myself needing to remember is that each step of my life has been planned, all of my days have been ordained, by One who knows so much better than I, and when I fail to wait and I move forward on my own timeline, I am often setting myself back. God is calling me to humble myself, submitting to Him, admitting that His ways are better than my own and sometimes pride and impatience get in my way.

I think many times I have failed this test...I have yearned to know what is next, I have mistaken God asking me to wait, for His silence, ambivalence, or inaction. I don't see Him working so I grow impatient with his "inactivity" and I take matters into my own hands, trying to make life work on my own. This only sends me further backward. I feel like in this season of my life this is something he is really trying to cultivate in me. A patience, a humbling of myself to wait upon him however long that may take. To rejoice in today's blessings and not worry about tomorrow.

I suppose that is my New Year's resolution in a way. Just to wait. To wait upon Him, the One who knows all. The one who created me for a specific purpose, I will wait on Him so that I can be used for that purpose.

I would love to hear about times that maybe you have or haven't waited when you should have and how you may have been blessed by your waiting or set back by not waiting. You are welcome to email me at boltefamily@windstream.net or just leave a comment!

Hope for 2009

I have been thinking all day of how to put my thoughts and feelings into words and I am afraid words cannot really do justice to the paradoxical feelings I am having as we begin 2009.

In one way I am a little sad. 2008 was Asher's year. He was born in February and his first birthday is fast approaching. He is such a blessing to us and part of me doesn't want to say goodbye to the year that we were blessed enough to meet him in. His birth date truly was the most amazing day of my life. I have never in my life SEEN the body of Christ in action as I did that day. I could physically feel the Lord's presence with us. On that day, his people, friends, family, nurses, doctors, photographers, all became His hands and feet. The love that day was unlike anything I could begin to explain. It was in so many ways a perfect day. I have to admit that my selfish human self wishes the outcome had been different, but the beauty of that day is just indescribable and it is a day I will hold dear in my heart forever and ever.

I am in awe at the love and support we have been shown in 2008. I am filled with sorrow that my boy is not here, but I am so grateful for each person who helped to carry my mat when I could move forward no further. I have been able to come to this place, my blog and be real, be honest, be me, without (much) :) judgement, even when the hurtful anonymous comments come there are dozens of uplifting encouraging ones to remind me of what it is REALLY about. Thank you all for not letting me lose sight. I am so thankful for each of you who have taken the time to get to know us, pray for us, love us.

I miss Isaac and Asher as much today as ever, but I have HOPE. My hope remains steadfast, knowing this is not the end. Sometimes it feels like the sun doesn't shine for weeks, but that hope is always there. He continues to guide us gently down this rocky path and I stand in awe at what He is doing. There is no way that I can comprehend what His plan is or why this was the best path for me, but I trust that he does. He is sovereign over all things.

As I welcome 2009, I do so with great apprehension. I have no idea what the year holds, but I know that I have hope. Today I have a sweet baby growing inside of me. I do not know what tomorrow brings, but for today I am more than rejoicing in the fact that things are going well and this little one is growing just as he/she should. 2009 will be the year that we meet this new Bolte. I am so excited to see the blessings flow from this new gift God has given us. I have an amazing husband who works so hard to be a good leader for this family. I have two boys in Heaven that I will get to hold again someday. Those two boys will never know the sorrow and pain that come with living in this broken world. I also have two boys who live in this house that fill my life with hugs and laughter, they teach me what matters and show me how to better live with a child like faith, I have an great family, the best friends a girl could ask for, and a wonderful support system here. Above all I have a Father who loves me with a passion that I cannot even begin to fathom. A Creator who I pray will use my family this year to further His Kingdom in any way he sees fit. I am blessed.

It is with a certain sadness that I say goodbye to 2008, but I do look forward to the hope of tomorrow. I know that my goodbyes are not forever and that He has blessed me beyond measure. Far more than I deserve. He continues to pour out His Grace upon me and I am excited to see what He has in store for 2009 for I know his plans for me are good because He says so!

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

That night..

I was so glad to see Luke and Benjamin when we got back. I am so thankful to have such blessings in my life. They light up a room and make everything seem right again. I was so exhausted and we had so many people praying for us all day and waiting to hear the news and I was just plain too tired to deliver the news. I got home and took a nap. I then sent an email to friends and family explaining everything because I was to weary to go through the whole story over and over again.

I needed to stay positive and focus on taking care of myself and this life inside of me. This battle is far from over and I will not give up! I may only have the duration of this pregnancy to enjoy this gift God has bestowed on me but I am going to treat it with extreme reverance. While I know that this is entirely out of my control, I will do everything that is within my power to take care of and protect this unborn life! So in an act of self preservation, I wrote the email, ate dinner, played with the kids and we all went to bed!

Expecting AGAIN??

About three months after Isaac's death, I found out I was pregnant with another baby! I was not expecting this just yet, but we had gotten all of the results from Isaac's autopsy and they had determined that he had died from an infection he contracted in the womb. It was not genetic so there was no need to fear that the incident would happen again with this baby. I found out that my due date was August 12. Isaac's due date had been August 6th the year before. These baby's would be almost exactly one year apart.

I had so many confusing emotions throughout this pregnancy. I was desperately hoping that the birth of a new baby would take away some of the sting of the loss i was still feeling. Again my pregnancy went on uneventfully. I was monitored closely and dreaded each and every ultrasound. They constantly monitored his growth and he constantly surprised us all. My first two babies were 5 lb 3 oz and 4 lb 13 oz and this baby was going to outweigh them both! On July 27th 2006, six days after the anniversary of Isaac's death, Benjamin Oliver was brought into this world a healthy 8 lb 6 oz gift from the Lord above! We were so excited to have Benjamin.

It was good to know that my body could still produce a healthy baby. Despite my efforts I feel that my body failed Isaac in some way. I felt defective and this proved that I could do it. Having Ben did not take away from the pain I still felt but it added so much joy! He is an amazing little red headed hot tempered toddler who lights up a room! We have a wonderful bright and adorable 4 year old, Luke and a rambunctious toddler, Benjamin.