Thursday, January 1, 2009

Hope for 2009

I have been thinking all day of how to put my thoughts and feelings into words and I am afraid words cannot really do justice to the paradoxical feelings I am having as we begin 2009.

In one way I am a little sad. 2008 was Asher's year. He was born in February and his first birthday is fast approaching. He is such a blessing to us and part of me doesn't want to say goodbye to the year that we were blessed enough to meet him in. His birth date truly was the most amazing day of my life. I have never in my life SEEN the body of Christ in action as I did that day. I could physically feel the Lord's presence with us. On that day, his people, friends, family, nurses, doctors, photographers, all became His hands and feet. The love that day was unlike anything I could begin to explain. It was in so many ways a perfect day. I have to admit that my selfish human self wishes the outcome had been different, but the beauty of that day is just indescribable and it is a day I will hold dear in my heart forever and ever.

I am in awe at the love and support we have been shown in 2008. I am filled with sorrow that my boy is not here, but I am so grateful for each person who helped to carry my mat when I could move forward no further. I have been able to come to this place, my blog and be real, be honest, be me, without (much) :) judgement, even when the hurtful anonymous comments come there are dozens of uplifting encouraging ones to remind me of what it is REALLY about. Thank you all for not letting me lose sight. I am so thankful for each of you who have taken the time to get to know us, pray for us, love us.

I miss Isaac and Asher as much today as ever, but I have HOPE. My hope remains steadfast, knowing this is not the end. Sometimes it feels like the sun doesn't shine for weeks, but that hope is always there. He continues to guide us gently down this rocky path and I stand in awe at what He is doing. There is no way that I can comprehend what His plan is or why this was the best path for me, but I trust that he does. He is sovereign over all things.

As I welcome 2009, I do so with great apprehension. I have no idea what the year holds, but I know that I have hope. Today I have a sweet baby growing inside of me. I do not know what tomorrow brings, but for today I am more than rejoicing in the fact that things are going well and this little one is growing just as he/she should. 2009 will be the year that we meet this new Bolte. I am so excited to see the blessings flow from this new gift God has given us. I have an amazing husband who works so hard to be a good leader for this family. I have two boys in Heaven that I will get to hold again someday. Those two boys will never know the sorrow and pain that come with living in this broken world. I also have two boys who live in this house that fill my life with hugs and laughter, they teach me what matters and show me how to better live with a child like faith, I have an great family, the best friends a girl could ask for, and a wonderful support system here. Above all I have a Father who loves me with a passion that I cannot even begin to fathom. A Creator who I pray will use my family this year to further His Kingdom in any way he sees fit. I am blessed.

It is with a certain sadness that I say goodbye to 2008, but I do look forward to the hope of tomorrow. I know that my goodbyes are not forever and that He has blessed me beyond measure. Far more than I deserve. He continues to pour out His Grace upon me and I am excited to see what He has in store for 2009 for I know his plans for me are good because He says so!

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11


Anonymous said...

Happy New Year!

Michelle said...

SHE? Did I read that right??? :)
I am excited to get to know this latest miracle of yours! You are a wonderful person/wife/mom etc and I am praying God will wrap you in comfort tonight!

Rachel said...

Been reading for awhile, but I don't leave a lot of comments. I was just wondering if I read things right..."she" is it a girl? A sweet baby girl??? I am so happy things are looking good so far. I hope you find peace in the weeks before your next appt. I am sure the good news will continue to come your way. Many prayers for a healthy baby in 2009!!

Nicole O'Dell said...

You have a unique ability to make me weep! I really appreciate your "realness" and how your faith is so evident even though you have had real hurt and real human emotions.

God bless you and your sweet family...and this new precious 2009. It's going to be a good one!

Christy said...

Praying blessings for you in the new year!

Just Me said...

Does that post say "...this little one is growing just as SHE should...?!"

I haven't yet done my "Farewell to 2008" post (I know, a little late!) but know that I am SO thankful that God brought you and your family to me. You are such a blessing and I hope for much joy and many blessings for you in 2009.

Hugs and prayers,

boltefamily said...

Ok Guys! You are SOOOOOO good at paying attention to was a slip...I changed it...the gender is still "unconfirmed".
:-) The tech did make a guess but said it was too early to know for sure. :-)

creative gal said...

Wonderful writing. Thank you for sharing. God does know the plans for each of us! :o)

bri said...

slip or not... I still think it is going to be a girl! I am so excited and cannot wait for God to show HIS face in 2009 for you and your family!

Be Blessed!

Anonymous said...

May 2009 bring you only joy and hope and strength. You have a wonderful, beautiful family.


Laurie in Ca. said...

Beautiful post Kristy, just beautiful. We always have HOPE in the Lord and His Hope is perfect. I love you girl and as I walked the road to Asher with you, I am honored to be walking this road still, as the new baby grows with you. I am looking forward to the surprise of who it is that we will meet. I always tell people that it will be a Boy or a Girl, not a Puppy or a Squirrel. That's good enough for me.:)
God bless you and Howard and the boys in this new year, and He will pour out His blessings on you all, I just know it in my heart. I love you Kristy, and I love your honest heart.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Unknown said...

Hope...that is the theme of my life and the message in my book about my losses and heartaches. What would we do without hope? I think everybody who's suffered as a Christian would agree.

I do hope that this new year brings with it not only a new baby for you but new spiritual insight, new love, new perspective, etc. We only learn more as we go... and I'm grateful for that.

I'm so glad for the good news so far on the precious little one in your womb.

PS Join me on Wednesday's for "Wednesday's Walk Down Memory Lane". It should be great fun and is a perfect way to document those memories (ones that mommies are often to busy to write down!)

connie said...

Aww, I was too late to read the slip, but now we all at least know what your heart's guess is. :) Hard to keep secrets here, huh?

I am praying for you that you are filled with peace and joy this pregnancy. A tall request that I'm asking of God, I know, but that's what I want for you this pregnancy, besides good health and energy to keep up with your boys.

love, connie

mrsrubly said...

what a great post! that was very uplifting! happy new year!

Devin said...

Great, great post Kristy. I am looking forward to this new year for the same reasons. Happy 2009!

Kenzie said...

I love you girl and am excited for the hope that 2009 holds too! Happy New Year!

love you,

Anonymous said...

Kristy, your readers are also blessed to know you and your family. I don't know you, but I feel like I do! I pray for your family often and eagerly await your updates, especially about the new baby. All of my best wishes for a wonderful 2009 for the Boltes!

Liz in Michigan

tom said...

Praise God for your strength, you inspire us all.

God Bless,

Kristin said...

I found your blog a few days ago and spent time just reading it and learning about your story. You have such a beautiful family! I pray for you and your family and this precious baby.

Kristin from TX

Lauren said...

I hope this new year brings you more good health and happiness then you know what to do with!

Kirsten said...

Wow - you explained it perfectly. Letting go of 2008 is strange feeling - more complicated than I anticipated. Your words describe so many of my feelings. Thank you for always doing that - it helps sort things out in my head. :o)

Many blessings on your new year. There is lots of hope for this year and the new Bolte and new Casillas that will arrive (no news yet).

Love you friend!

Carrie said...

I have been reading your blog for almost a year now but have never commented. I love the way you are able to put your feelings down and share them with all of us. You are an inspiration. I hope 2009 brings you much deserved happiness.
I can't wait to find out the gender of your new little exciting! So glad everything is looking great with the baby!

Lisa said...

Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and thank you for the wonderful idea about the Mickey Mouse cake. That does sound so much easier and I would think it would be much easier to decorate just the face then the whole body.

I enjoyed reading your blog and hope to follow it a little more closely. Hopefully we can become better friends in 2009. Your children are beautiful, I am sorry for your loss, but I look forward to seeing the new bundle of joy coming soon : )

Happy New Year to you!!

Becky said...

Beautifully written Kristy, so heartfelt. I didn't want 2009 to end either as I was due on Christmas day, yet I don't have my baby here. I am thankful for HOPE. It reminded me of a talk that I wanted to share with you...I think you will enjoy reading it. I'll send it to you via email...