Please leave us messages...

Since this is basically my way of documenting my pregnancy and all of the feelings that go along with it I would REALLY appreciate it if those of you who are taking the time to read also took a moment to leave a message or comment. It could be a comment to me or just a prayer for Happy! I am going to put them in the baby book I am starting. I have changed the settings so that ANYONE can leave a comment or message. I think it would really help to know that we have people thinking of us each day. Thank you all! We love you so much!

Strength??

Today I feel a range of emotions. I barely slept last night, each night I dream of this little baby. Most nights I dream that everything works out just fine. I am tired, agitated, and feeling like no one in the world could possibly understand. Most people avoid talking to me about the topic and those who do just don't know what to say. Thankfully I don't know another soul who has been in this situation and I certainly wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Having already lost one baby I know the immense physical pain and heart ache that came with that and it is all too fresh in my mind. They say that the pain of childbirth fades after you get to hold your baby and while i find that to be true for the MOST part with Luke and Ben's births, Isaacs is still so fresh. So many questions overshadowed his birth. I have many of these same questions today about this new baby boy.

I am confused and frustrated when each and every day someone comments on my "strength". I cannot even say how many times I have heard things like..."God doesn't give us more than we can handle." or "I know that I would never have the strength to go through what you are going through and God just knows what people can handle certain circumstances." Well both of these comments frustrate me. I will start with the God doesn't give us more than we can handle comment. When I hear this it makes me angry because quite frankly I don't want to handle it! If that is really what it is about I would much rather be weak. It has been my experience that God ALWAYS gives more than we can handle so we have to lean on Him. I don't feel strong in any way. Now, to the second comment. God knows what people can handle tragedy so he must just bestow it upon those who can handle it....give me a break! That just makes me feel even more targeted than I already do! So with this theory if we handle circumstances we are given with God's grace and lean on him and make it through victoriously he will continue to know we can handle these things and forever bestow tragedy upon us. I surely hope that that is not the case because if it is I just want to crumble to avoid this heartache ever again!

The thing is...I certainly don't want to be sensitive to everything anyone says to me to try and provide comfort. I KNOW that no one knows what words to give me....that is because there are NONE! No one really understands what I am going through right now and that is OK! I just need friends who will show love to me and listen. When unsure of what to say I find it best just to give a hug and say, I love you, support you and am praying for you. It isn't helpful when people avoid the topic because it just causes awkwardness. (as I use that word I can only think of Andy's description of awkward which is funny for anyone who knows him) I can assure you that I am thinking of Happy every moment of each and every day. I am praying with every ounce of my soul that he makes it through this a healthy boy who will show the world the amazing miracles God is capable of.

Which brings me to my next struggle I am praying each and every day that God will heal Happy and we will all be amazed by God's miracle in our family. I want to believe that that is what WILL happen. I am having trouble with this immensely. I know that God wants us to have a positive attitude and believe that he will deliver us from circumstances such as this. We are to ask and expect him to deliver. This is what I have a problem with. I am asking and I know he CAN deliver but because of my previous experience I am not convinced that he WILL intervene. We prayed very hard for Isaac and had everyone praying for him and yet God chose not to change that circumstance and I will be the first to tell you that I am a better person, mom, wife and friend because of him. Though he did not live he was a miracle and I firmly believe that but we prayed for him to be healed and he was not. So, how can I know that God will heal this baby. His track record with me isn't so great. Yet I want to believe he WILL. So, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and anxiety because I know that I should believe and expect a miracle and yet I have doubt. I know that my plan and God's do not always match up. I want a healthy baby with every ounce of my being. I have never wanted anything more, and I want to believe that the God who loves me will hear my cry and feel my pain and deliver me the miracle I so desperately wish for, but someone tell me how to do that!

Tired...

I am feeling SO tired today...I feel like all I want to do is sleep. I am feeling frustrated. I am mostly frustrated with doctors right now. I dread going back to Pittsburgh. I want someone to talk to me as an intelligent mom not just some random number. I so do not understand what is going on with this baby. It would be nice to have someone sit and thoroughly explain what they are seeing and what they think the prognosis is. I know that doctors are certainly not the end all be all and I know that God can intervene and change circumstances at any time, I am just having difficulty rationalizing why I even am going back to Pittsburgh.

On a positive note, the Mischler family I spoke of earlier did have their appointment yesterday and God DID perform a miracle. Their little girl is going to live! She does have Spina Bifida but it is a more mild case and while she will have a few medical issues to overcome they expect great things. I am so glad to know that this family will not have to go through the intense heartache of losing a child. God is good.

Tonight Howard is taking the kids to see Santa, Luke is excited. I am having a Pampered Chef Party. I am looking forward to that but am very tired. I just want some answers and it seems there are none. Well, I better get to cleaning!

Struggling today...

This morning I find myself struggling more and more. I am trying so hard to just be patient and wait to see what God has in store. I am eating well and resting so that I am giving Happy the best chances possible, but ultimately I know that this is completely out of my control. No matter how hard I try, I cannot control this situation. The thought of going back to Pittsburgh makes me nauseated. It is still 3 long weeks away but it was not a pleasant experience and it was very difficult to be positive there. Today I am feeling a little sorry for myself. I am wondering what God is trying to show me. I am trying so hard to live and learn and yet each and every time I think I may have a moment to breathe, tragedy strikes again. I have joked that I wouldn't dare walk outside in a lightening storm but in a way I am not joking. I feel kind of targeted. I mean I am totally losing the odds game. We all have bad things happen in life but as I look back at my life I see a trainwreck and good always comes out of the pain, but I just need a moment of rest. I am tired today. I am feeling weak and am questioning everything yet have no answers. I pray that God will deliver me from this situation and heal my little guy. I long to hold him in my arms and let him know how deeply I love him. His brothers are anxiously awaiting him. Luke is so sensitive, and he knows something is up. If he doesn't know where I am he constantly will come to find me and "check on me". It breaks my heart that he is worried. His view of what it means to get a new baby is so different from most children. He knows what happened with Isaac and was confused when Ben came home. Now, I am just praying I don't have more to explain to him after this. He already hugs the baby every morning and talks to him through my belly button...as if that is the microphone to Happy's heart! It is so sweet. Today I am just praying for God's grace and strenghth. I cannot do this on my own. I am growing weary.

Sometimes Miracles Hide!

I firmly believe that sometimes miracles hide. That was the song that played during Isaac's memorial DVD. In the last few days I have had a few people ask what we are going to "do" about this pregancy. It baffles me really...I mean what does anyone "do" when they are pregnant...they have a baby! I see that as my one and only option. I will carry this baby for as long as God will allow and I will rejoice in every moment. Some women NEVER get the opportunity to feel what it is like to grow a life inside of them. That in and of itself is an amazing blessing. I do not believe that God gave me this baby so I could choose to terminate the pregnancy. God DOESN'T make mistakes! This baby was placed inside my womb for a reason and just because he is not perfect according to world standards does not make him any less important than any one of us! All lives matter! It is what we do with them that makes a difference. So, I don't even really see carrying this baby as a choice...it is what you do when you get pregnant. When you choose to get pregnant you are never guaranteed a smooth ride. This baby will be perfect because all things that God creates are perfect! Who am I to stand in the way of that.

I know that Isaac's brief life has made such an impact on myself, my family and so many others that I cannot think of this baby as anything less than an amazing miracle. His life is precious. None of us know what tomorrow brings. I would rather experience 9 months of exceptional circumstances than a life filled with mediocrity. None of us are perfect and some of us show it on the outside...like with physical disabilities...others have much deeper issues. But regardless we all have them and I believe that we are all in for an amazing experience with Happy Bolte!

Another day...

Today was a pretty good day. I took the boys to a friend's house to play with her boys and we all had fun. It was nice to get out and do something normal. Then we all had lunch and rest time. We went and had dinner and ran to Target. Overall a typical day. Uneventful and nice. It has been nice having Howard home the last few days as it has given me a chance to rest a bit and spend time as a family. We are happiest just hanging out with the boys! I feel good today. Full of hope and life. Happy has been very active today. It is such a blessing that I get to feel him move. I cannot wait until Howard and the boys can feel him from the outside! He is a miracle!

On another note I need to ask for prayer for another friend. Oddly enough I got an email from today that informed me that the Mischler family who attends church with us is expecting another baby at the end of April and they had a sonogram earlier today and found that they are having a girl. The sonogram showed that the baby's brain was not developing properly and there was some swelling. They are being sent to Pittsburgh on Wednesday November 28th to have further testing. This is their fourth baby also. they have two boys and a little girl...all 5 and under. They are a wonderful family and it breaks my heart to know that they are going through this. So I ask that you all pray for them and their new little one on the way. We all know that God is in control and that he performs miracles each and every day. I pray that they have a positive experience on Wednesday and that the doctors are very kind and supportive as this is a trying time.

I am off to bed... I love to lie down...the first 10 minutes Happy dances in there and it is so fun to feel him moving! It is my favorite time of day! Thank you all for continuing in prayer for us and please add the Mischler family to your list also as this is a time of uncertainty for us all!

A new day...

Each day I find that my feelings are just a bit different. We got up and went to church this morning and I found myself having a difficult time praising God. I am still having a bit of anger toward him. I know that this baby is a blessing and I have been ultra blessed in my life but I want this baby to be healthy. As I stood there reflecting and crying amidst the praise music I realized that what I may be getting so angry with God for may first of all not even be an issue. It isn't over yet, and God may heal this little guy and there is always the slight chance that the doctors are wrong.

Then came the sermon and today the sermon was about prayer and it really put things into persepective for me. I pray continually that God will heal this baby. See, I have been confused as to what to pray for. I know God CAN heal him and I know the Bible says that we should ask and expect God to answer. I struggle with that because I know that my plan may not be the same as God's plan. I have been a witness to that before. Today I learned that it is okay to pray for both. I can pray for God to heal our baby and I can also turn myself over to His plan and submit to whatever comes our way knowing that the blessing is that I am not in control and my plan does not matter. God has it under control and it will all work out for good. That is not to say that I don't still struggle with this idea, I mean sometimes I think to myself, I already lost one child and endured unbearable heartache and overcome it, so I have paid my dues! But I know that is not how God works. We are all a work in progress and I am no exception. Yes, we came through the trials and tribulations of yesterday but that doesn't mean that the battle is over. So, today I submit, "God my life is your life and I pray that you work in me and through me whatever will bring you glory. I pray that you allow us to give birth to a healthy happy baby, but if that is not your plan I know that what ever you bring us to you will bring us through. Use our family, we submit to your perfect plan."

I will rejoice in today because for today I still have hope. For today I am the mother to two healthy happy boys here, one in heaven and one performing a miracle inside my body. None of us know what tomrorow brings so I will rejoice in today! We are very excited to have been chosen to be the parents of this special little boy no matter what and we know that God chose us to be his parents because we are the perfect people to love him JUST the way he NEEDS to be loved!

Howard has named him Happy! He is convinced that this little guy will be born happy and will make everyone around him happy...therefore Happy. I have tried to argue that Happy is not a name but he throws Happy Gilmore in my face and it is difficult to argue with that, not that Happy Gilmore is someone you want to name your child after.

So friends...continue to pray for us and for Happy! We are praying for a healthy little boy but also for God to use us how he sees fit. The control lies within Him!

Today...

My heart is still aching...the wounds of Isaac's death are fresh in my mind as I anticipate the birth of my new son. I have so many questions but the reality is right now I MUST wait for answers. I will have another scan on December 18th. We pray that this scan shows major brain development. I pray that this baby is completely healed. Many of the answers I want will not come until birth. Sonograms are limited. I know that this is in God's hands and he will work it out for our good. I will love and cherish this child no matter what package he comes in. Continuing to trust god in the midst of painful and seemingly unjust circumstances is the only way for survival and victory. I know that when I no longer know what to say or how to pray that the Holy Spirit takes over for me and these prayers move the hand of God.

We have to go through difficult and painful circumstances to become more like Jesus. Hebrews 5:8 says that "although he was a son, He learned obedience through what he suffered." In becoming more christlike it is often a painful process. I have heard it described this way...Imagine clay when it is pressed into a mold. There is always excess clay and some must be pushed out and trimmed off. Imagine if clay had feelings...this is what it is like to be molded in Christ's likeness.

So, each and every day I am hurting and confused. I am using my energy to care for myself, my family and this baby. I must surround myself with positive people who will support our decisions and will understand. If you are a friend of mine and you are reading this...please DON'T be afraid to call or ask about the situation. I guarantee I am already thinking about the baby. I feel like everyone is afraid to talk about him because no one wants to hurt my feelings but the truth is that he is just as much my child as Luke, Isaac, or Ben and my love for him is deep and true. My heart is aching but I know this is not over yet! Please pray for us, and continue to be my friend. I am the same person just hurting a little more these days and I need my friends now more than ever. We are going to need an army to get through this and I pray that a healthy baby is the end result! Help me to stay focused and positive. Send prayers and scripture my way. I need to surround myself in faith because that is the only thing that can get us through this!

The next several days...

Over the next few days my emotions teetered. One moment I was filled with hope and knew that God would bless me with a healthy baby, even if we had medical issues or disabilities to overcome I would give it everything I had because of my love for God and for this new son. Other times, I just wanted to hide. I barely talked to anyone because no one knows what to say to me. No one wants to call and bother us. Sometimes I felt alone and depressed. My mother ended up committing suicide when I was nine. Some say that she never got over the loss of my stillborn brother. My father and my grandma called to be sure I wasn't going over the edge myself.

I am angry, angry that there are these questions fogging my pregnancy. This is supposed to be a joyous time for our family and we are riddled with stress and apprehension. I am angry that I asked for genetic counseling after Isaac was born and I was told it was unneccessary. I am angry about that until I realize if something had shown a genetic cause I may have never had Benjamin and he is such an amazing blessing! I realized that despite my anger and confusion, this was all out of my control. This was in fact how God had planned things to go. As difficult as this road may be this is the one I must travel. I am a mom and I love my children and I want to believe with every ounce of my being that this will all turn out just fine, yet with every kick, I wonder if my eyes will ever meet the eyes of this little guy kicking me. I never did get to see Isaac's eyes. I do know that whatever happens that it will be great because God's plan is always great and though we don't see what he sees and we cannot understand, we have to give it to him. I am struggling to do that each and every day! Day by day and hour by hour I will make the most of the time I have with this amazing little guy. That is the reason for this blog. I want to remember this pregnancy and all of the ups and downs no matter what happens.

That night..

I was so glad to see Luke and Benjamin when we got back. I am so thankful to have such blessings in my life. They light up a room and make everything seem right again. I was so exhausted and we had so many people praying for us all day and waiting to hear the news and I was just plain too tired to deliver the news. I got home and took a nap. I then sent an email to friends and family explaining everything because I was to weary to go through the whole story over and over again.

I needed to stay positive and focus on taking care of myself and this life inside of me. This battle is far from over and I will not give up! I may only have the duration of this pregnancy to enjoy this gift God has bestowed on me but I am going to treat it with extreme reverance. While I know that this is entirely out of my control, I will do everything that is within my power to take care of and protect this unborn life! So in an act of self preservation, I wrote the email, ate dinner, played with the kids and we all went to bed!