Monday, January 7, 2008

Going crazy...

Well sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite. I know what I need to believe and I know I need to trust God and let go of the past and yet it is just not that easy. Many days I just feel like I am going insane. It is nearly impossible for me not to let all of this consume me. The baby is so active these days which is so reassuring but at the same time is a constant reminder. Many days I find it nearly impossible to be the mom and wife that I want to be because I am so consumed with my feelings for Happy. Some days I seem to do okay and other days I fail miserably, lately I feel like my failures far outweigh my success.

Yesterday after church I went to Walmart, since I was alone and well, walking around Walmart with no children is a luxury I don't often have the pleasure of enjoying. I purchased my first thing for Happy. A few people now have gotten him blankets and little stuffed animals, so I bought him a sleeper. Isaac had a problem with his skin blistering and so we never had the opportunity to dress him. I always wish I had a picture of him in a cute little outfit so either way, this little guy should have a few little things of his own.

Today I have an appointment with my doctor here and I have my glucose test. It is hard to believe that I am over 28 weeks pregnant and the farthest I have ever gotten in pregnancy was 37 weeks...that would make only nine weeks left...that is just over two months! I am to the point where I hate going to the doctor. I am trying very hard to stay positive and I just hate having a doctor look at me with such pity, thinking that I should have ended this months ago. I don't want to be pitied. Just loved. I feel like anyone who knows Christ would understand why ending this pregnancy was not even a choice for us. Our love for our children is the closest thing we can compare God's love for us to and that love for this little man began the moment I saw two lines on the pregnancy test. He is a gift, a perfect gift and when we became parents we made the choice to wear our hearts outside of our own bodies and to love and protect our children no matter what. No one chooses this. But there are no guarantees in life and it angers me that some people can treat life with such little regard for it's sacredness. In doing research I have found that 90 percent of women who find out that their baby has an abnormality will terminate...some of those "abnormalities" are things like clubfoot, and other minor things that can be corrected. We are so afraid of the unperfect. I have met several women who are wonderful moms to children with Downs Syndrome and EVERY ONE will tell you what a blessing that child is to their life. Yet many would choose to abort that baby. It baffles me and angers me. I just want my baby to live long enough that he will know how passionately and unconditionally I love him NO MATTER WHAT! He will be perfect.

I am just filled with so many emotions lately and they seem to have overtaken me in many ways. I appreciate all of you who read this and respond with such love and I appreciate all of my friends who just listen, knowing that they cannot fix anything and they don't understand but they will support us in anyway possible. (Thanks especially to you Julie for listening to me ramble yesterday. I needed to talk and just hadn't taken the time to do it! I do feel better today just for having chatted with you.) So, please continue to pray...our next Pittsburgh appointment is next Tuesday and I am dreading it. I love this little guy so much and I just cannot listen to one more doctor talk about him like some misfit medical case. He is my son. I am praying for compassion and hope from this appointment. May God heal our son and our hearts....


Anonymous said...

Doctors are trained to be clinical. They probably have to be in order to keep from going crazy thinking about problems they can't fix for their patients.

You know you made the right choice - that was that there no option but to love him and care for him no matter what. Happy is yours, he was given to you, and no one, least of all you, can understand why he has the health concerns that he does. But there is no question that he could not be in a more perfect place for him - in your family, with you & Howard and 2 brothers so excited to meet him in person. And knowing that no matter what the doctors, or anyone else may think, his life is as valuable and precious as anyone else God has created.


Anonymous said...

Just remember that everything you are feeling- anger, fear, doubt, pockets of joy, anticipation, whatever it is... it is right and ok. God gave us our emotions, and while we don't always react with them in a good way- He understands them and, I think, welcomes them as a way He can experience our lives and just "be" with us.
Think of how we feel when our kids are feeling those things (ok, AFTER we feel like pulling our hair out!) - we get to see them more as who they are. All this to say- don't be hard on yourself for what is in your head or how you react to things right now, you are in a hard place. You ARE still the great Mom and wife you have always been!

Unknown said...

I continue to pray for you and Happy and if I could I'd give you a big hug. You are blessed.


Anonymous said...

Praying for you and your beautiful sons. You are so strong. You may not feel that you are but YOU ARE AMAZING!
Your blog will give hope to those who need it and will help those of us who sometimes feel overwhelmed with everyday problems some insight into the blessings in our lives.
Much love,

Anonymous said...

I saw your request for comments. Do you have an email address? You can create an anonymous one through yahoo or hotmail. Sometimes people feel what they want to share feels too personal for leaving a public comment, but would be more inclined if there was an email address in your profile where they could send you a note. Not everyone is that way, but some people are.