When a tough task becomes tougher...

Well, I did it...I went in to the hospital this morning and got the autopsy reports to take with us to the geneticist on Tuesday. As with most similar tasks the anticipation is probably worse than the actual event. I signed the release and showed my ID and had the paperwork in my hands within 5 minutes. On the way out of the hospital my curiosity got the best of me and I sat down in a waiting area to read the report. I am still somewhat stunned by what I read. You see, prior to this I had no desire to ever see these papers I have been content with the information we were given and felt no need to look any further.

As I read the papers first I was a little shocked that they had my age off by about 8 years...the report said that the baby was a 6 day old male born to a 34 year old mother...I was 26 when I had Isaac. But I guess that is not that important. I then continued to read that most of the finings were normal...normal heart, liver, lungs (aside from pneumonia from meconium aspiration) and then came the info on his head and brain. The report states the size and appearance of his brain and each of the specific parts of the brain...it also states that it appears to have ceased to develop beyond 17-20 weeks gestation. It then states that these findings would be MOST LIKELY associated with viral infection (which is what we were told happened) BUT and here is the big BUT....NO viruses, fungi, or bacteria were found in any of the tests!

This blindsided me...you see, when all of this originally happened the doctor called and went over the report with me...he explained that the issues Isaac had WERE caused by a virus and therefore we need not be concerned about subsequent children or genetic testing. I was so relieved when we got that news. I never looked any farther...now this.

I feel tremendously misled. I am angry but not because I am seemingly in this same place in life again, but because I was not informed. I cannot say that had doctors told us this was a genetic issue that Howard and I would have decided to stop having children...I think we probably would have anyhow, I just feel that it is our right to know what the reality of the situation is. I feel it is our right to make an informed decision. We should have been offered the genetic testing if for nothing else to rule OUT genetic problems. And if we chose to continue growing our family anyhow at least we were doing so with the knowledge that this could happen again. I just feel cheated and angry.

I am praying this afternoon for peace...I feel so unsettled. I know that the only one I can truly trust is God and so that is where I will place my trust. I am anxiously awaiting Howard's arrival home, I am hoping he feels like getting out tonight because I feel like I am suffocating here! Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. Please continue to pray...there are miracles happening in the midst of all of this!