Picture day....

Well, today is it, it is the day of the photo shoot with the NILMDTS photographer. Our sitting is at 4:40. I am so nervous yet very excited to see some of the pictures. As I scanned the pictures of Isaac last night I realized that we truly only have about seven photos of him. That makes me sad to think that that is all I have and will ever have. He was such a beautiful little guy and the pictures we do have don't even do him justice. He had the most amazing head of black hair! I wish I would have gotten just a picture of that! But at the time my thoughts were not on photos or making memories...at that point it was all about survival...what to do to get through the day in once piece.

As I think back about our time with Isaac I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember every thought and feeling I remember being terrified and shocked. I remember how strange it seems to place a newborn baby in an intensive care unit with all of the crazy beeping and weird smells. I remember NOT wanting to see Isaac because if I did not see him, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. I will forever be thankful for the nurse who moved my sorry butt to a wheelchair the moment I was allowed to get up and hauling me down to see him. I am thankful for ALL of the nurses who knew better than I did what I needed at that time and they just did them. They took pictures, forced me to be with him in the beginning and they also forced me to be with them in the end and I must say that though it is not an experience I would necessarily wish on anyone as I look back I am so thankful. I would never have come into contact with those wonderful people without Isaac. I would have never known that love and the strange peace that comes from being there when your child enters the world and also being there at the moment he drifts out. I witnessed his first and last breaths.

Though the times I am describing were so filled with heartache, my heart is also filled with the memories of those days and I am so thankful I was able to experience all of it even in it's raw nature. It is weird because as I have stated before I was asked to give my testimony at our church this past summer, actually on the weekend that marked the anniversary of Isaac's death. This was also the weekend I found out I was pregnant with Happy. I stood on that stage and I gave the Cliff's Notes version of our story (if you are interested, you can go to www.mclanechurch.org and click on the podcast sermons at the bottom. Mine is the True Human Story or THS labeled Kristy) and I remember saying that if I had it to do all over again I would. Of course when I said that I had no intention of doing so, but here I am.

Maybe God WILL heal this baby and I pray each and every day that he does, but if he doesn't, this is a road I know. I now know exactly what I would have done differently to enjoy Isaac more. The element of shock has been removed this time and we have the time now to think clearly and plan for what we want.

Our doctor from Pittsburgh called yesterday and stated that they are quite certain that they have found a diagnosis based on Isaac's autopsy reports and photos and comparing them to what is going on with this baby. He has to confirm a few things and then he will be calling me this week. I guess in the grand scheme of things, this means very little to me. I don't really need a name for what my boys are going through. Though they are similar they are also different. I don't believe anyone can know for sure what is going on until Happy is born. The doctor is hoping that this diagnosis will help us determine if "survival" is possible and what decisions we want to make about Happy's birth and the days following. I am OK with not knowing. I plan to continue hoping and praying for a miracle yet, the realist in me is thinking ahead about the what if so while we are hoping for the best I also intend to give thought to all of those difficult questions the doctors will have that no parent should EVER have to answer.

Though I have a difficult time understanding all of this I also would not change anything about our situation. I know that God is using us and will continue to do so. I know that Isaac brought so much to our lives that we never could have imagined. I am sure Happy will do the same no matter what.

So tonight we get to make some beautiful memories with Happy while he is still safe in my belly. Though I am nervous I am also so thankful that this photographer is willing to do this for us and this is one regret I won't have with Happy!