Tough tasks...

Yesterday and today I have felt particularly crummy. I thought it may have been that since I taught in Children's Ministry this weekend I never attended service for myself so I went to the website to listen to the sermon, but the sermon was not available yet. So I read a little bit and then Howard called yesterday before coming home to see if I had remembered to call the hospital for Isaac's autopsy report to take with us on Tuesday. I have known that this is something I needed to do for months and I continually put it off. I am not sure why it affects me the way it does but I really have been dreading it. I confessed that I had not called so he said not to worry about it...that he would do it. He knew I was feeling yucky about it. So he called, but they explained that one of us would have to come in to the hospital with ID and they close at 4:30 so either Howard would have to leave work early a day or I would HAVE to do it. Howard offered to take off early, but I really don't want him to take any additional time that is not completely necessary.

Which brings me to this morning. I am getting ready to head in to get the report and it is really bugging me. I don't know why! When the results came back I was the one who went over them with the doctor and I was ok with that, but I never wanted a copy for myself. I never requested a death certificate either. So when the doctor had asked what the "cause of death" on Isaac's death certificate was I had no clue. I got a birth certificate and a social security card and several mementos of his life but quite frankly I did't want any mementos of his death. That is just me...I don't need that for closure. Some people do, but I am content to know what I know and I just didn't need documentation. So I am sitting here dreading getting ready and heading in to get the report. It just seems so strange to go in and ask for my infant son's autopsy report. People always look at me with such pity. I try to focus on the fact that Isaac lived and we celebrate his life, albeit short, it was profound and has impacted us in ways we never dreamed.

Going through all of this with this new baby is difficult enough. Now I feel like not only do I have to deal with all of what is going on in the present, I am also having to relive the past. Some days it is like living a nightmare over again in slow motion. There are days that the pain is so great that it consumes me. If the pain were physical I don't even think that a body could endure it. I think logically about my tasks for the day and running in to get this report seems like a simple task and yet it is taking all the strength I can muster. So today I pray for strength and peace, even simple tasks as this one zap what strenghth I have. I know that God will pull me through whatever is to come and he will give me peace.

Each day I have to make a concious choice. I must choose how to live through this storm. I can either hold my head up, lean on God and endure or I can curl up and hide. I must be honest there are many days I want to hide and I have to give it everything I have to get through my day. Today is going to be one of those days. I don't know how a person gets through something like this without God because I know I surely could not.