Sunday, January 27, 2008

Guarding my heart...

In some of my internet research I have come across websites and blogs of many families enduring trials similar to my own. I found the website of a woman named Nancy Guthrie who is a Christian speaker and writer who years ago had her second child only to learn of a genetic disorder that she was affected by. She was told that her baby daughter would live only six months and that is about what happened. Knowing that they had a 25% chance of this syndrome affecting each child they had the family decided to take surgical measures to prevent pregnancy. A year later Nancy was again pregnant! They were shocked and went for prenatal testing which revealed that this baby too had the syndrome that took their daughter just over a year prior. They had another baby, a son and this little guy blessed their lives for 6 months also. So, Nancy has written a book called The One Year Book of Hope and at our bookstore date the other night I purchased the book. It has scripture and thoughts for each day as well as prayers and meditations. It is good to hear from someone who truly understands the heartache.

My Bible verse for today in this book is from Phillipians 4:6-7 "Don't worry about anything; istead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

It goes on to explain how vulnerable a broken heart is and that a broken heart must be very carefully guarded because when a heart has been broken it is very soft and pliable. A heart in this state can either soften toward God or harden toward Him.

We must be willing to use our softened hearts to become like clay for God to use and the softer the clay the easier it is to work with. In his letter to the Phillipians, Paul explains how to keep our hearts from hardening. He says, "Tell God what you need. Thank Him for all He has done. If you do this...His peace will guard you hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

So in a situation where your heart is broken, it seems that the thing to do is to just continually be in prayer. God wants us to tell Him what we need. One important thing I have learned is that I not only NEED to tell God what I need, I also need to thank him for all of the blessings I have in my life. I need to praise God and thank him for who He is and all He has already done. Sometimes we get so caught up in our current circumstances that we forget to be thankful for what we DO have. Gratitude goes a long way.

My heart is still broken...there are many things that cause me pain, confusion, and anger. But I am thankful that I serve a God who is sovereign. Circumstances change, people change, the world changes, but God is the same yesterday, today, and FOREVER. He will always be there. I am so thankful that I have a God that I can count on. I am thankful for the blessings in my life. I have the best husband anyone could ever ask for. He is my best friend and the love of my life not to mention the most amazing father I have ever seen. He has a heart for God and is one of the most amazing people I have EVER met. I have had the opportunity to experience the MIRACLE of pregnancy not once, but FOUR times in my 29 years on this Earth thus far. I have two children at home who amaze me every day with their wisdom beyond their years, they are such a light even on the darkest day. I have a son in Heaven who has taught me more about how I need to live my life here on earth than I could ever have imagined and one on the way who I am sure will teach me even more whether he blesses our lives for one day or a lifetime. We are so blessed! I have a wonderful family,church family, and group of friends. I live in a home that my husband built for our family with love and it is perfect. Our finances though tough, seem to always work themselves out and we are all HEALTHY! For all of these things I am so very grateful.

All of that said, I also need for God to draw near at this time of uncertainty. I need for Him to grant peace to our family in a way we cannot even imagine. I continue to pray that if it be his will, he heal our precious little guy, but if that is not the plan, I pray that he continues to mold us and use us to further His Kingdom. I pray that though my father's heart is hardened, He draw near to my dad and give him peace. In time I pray that his heart will be softened so that he can experience the love of his Heavenly Father. So many of our prayers have already been answered and I am so thankful to have God on my side in all of this! Thank you all for your kind words and support during this difficult time. Please bear with me as I ride this rollercoaster. I know that it is difficult to find words for me at times...don't worry about that...words aren't needed. It is good just to know you are all there! Each of you has been a blessing to my life. I have gotten so much encouragement from so many of you who leave comments and send us messages and gifts of love!

Speaking of gifts of love, I am scheduled Wednesday to meet with a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Oganization. I am going to have some pregnancy photos done with Howard and the boys. As I have mentioned before this is a wonderful non profit organization that works with families who are dealing with situations such as ours to create memories of the short time we have with our babies. I am very excited for this as I have never had maternity photos done however I am also extremely nervous as I am not incredibly comfortable with my changing body and thoughts of pictures off MY belly seem wierd. I have seen some of the work these photographers have done and they are so beautiful, but it just is a little out of my comfort zone though it is something I really want to do...so though it seems like a silly prayer please pray that we have a great experience Wednesday evening and are able to create some great memories of this amazing journey. Also pray for the generous photographer who is taking time out of his schedule to do this for us...may he be blessed beyond all measure!

Again, thank you all for your support and for reading and sending comments and messages our way! I love you all and may each of you be as blessed as I have been!

11 comments:

Laurie said...

This is a beautiful post. I am so glad you found Nancy Guthrie, it seems you found her for this exact moment you are in with Happy. The Lord will guard your heart, I am sure of this. As for the pictures and the "belly comfort zone", I say just go for it and I know you will be glad you did later on. After all, it is just "Happy" from the inside looking out.:) So, I am really praying for this for you, and for God to draw closer to you with His peace than ever before, and for the desires of your heart to be met by Him as He holds your broken heart gently in His hands. You can trust Him.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Julie said...

What a great post. You have a good attitude about what you need to do, and how (even though it must be hard) you need to do it.
I think it's great that NILMDTS is going to do some photos for you - I've seen their work and they just do a great job. I have been pregnant 4 times as well, and really wish that (although I hated how I looked pregnant) I would have gotten some "belly shots" taken. Praying for you to be comfortable and excited about the photo session, and as always praying for Happy.

The Lenda's said...

I am praying for you to know that God is with you in your lonely sad moments and that does not mean you lack faith but that you are human. You are a mother who longs to hold and love on this precious boy for many years to come. It is ok to feel sad about the uncertainity of that. I think it is wonderful that you are able to share your heart so openly and admit your vulnerabilty so that the Lord may send people into your life to know what to pray for you about and also send people to encourage you that have walked in your shoes and are now on the other side of this journey.

I am so excited for your opportunity to have maternity photos taken. I had some taken when I was 38 weeks pregnant with my second daughter and I love them. MY two year old accompanied me and we have some very precious photos of her kissing her baby sister. You may feel a little self-conscious at first but when you are looking at the photos you will be amazed at how your body looks and that you had little life growing inside of you. Enjoy the experience.

Hugs Rachel in PA

lannea said...

Hi Kristy,
Our prayers and thoughts are continuously with you!!! That is great that you are having pictures taken, they will be awesome! Being pregnant is beautiful, although there are many days you do not want to hear that, I know!
Love, Lannea

Melony said...

I stumbled upon your blog today and I want you to know that you and Happy will be in my prayers. The path you are on is very scary, but trust that God will carry you though this time. Have faith that God can provide a miracle for you and your family.

Belly shots are the best. Once your body goes back to "normal" (not that we ever get our old body back after pregnancy) it is so hard to imagine your belly that size again. You will love and cherish those pictures forever. I had them taken with both pregnancies, but I especially love the ones where my older daughter got to kiss on my big tummy!!

Melony,
Knoxville, TN

Anonymous said...

A pregnant body is a BEAUTIFUL body. You will shine. Happy will shine. I will pray that you find comfort in the photo session and as always I am praying for you and your family.

Melissa Dovel said...

I think you will love the photos- try to relax and not think about all the parts you dont want to show. A good photographer will guide you through and you will be pleased. I have had photos taken with all of mine (husband is a photographer) They are priceless- Continuing to pray for peace and for you to be able to enjoy the moment you are in.

Blessings

So Blessed said...

Praying for you and your family...

Anonymous said...

Have you ever heard of the book Balcony People? I can't remember who wrote it but the idea is this: We all have a balcony that is full of the people who love us and are praying for us. Imagine your balcony...full of friends and family you know and love! But there are even more you likely have never seen (and probably won't ever) that fill it to the back row that you can barely see. We are all there cheering and praying and longing to offer comfort and support! Thanks for letting us fill your balcony!
Amy

Zac and Jenny said...

Amen!

I hope you like the NILMDTS photos enough that you'll share them with us. I'm betting that you'll be gorgeous and the photo's will full of memories you'll treasure forever. -jenny

Chris S. said...

Kristy,
I am so glad that you found Nancy Guthrie. I am reading another book written by her, Hoping for Something Better. In the book I just learned about her family and was wondering if she had written a book about it. She writes so honestly and explores and explains scripture very well. I am thankful that you found it. It definitely sounds like a God thing.

Kristy, you are learning so much and giving so much of yourself. Your blog is a blessing to many and a great witness for God-on both the good days and the difficult days.

I am also excited for your pictures and will be praying for you. Enjoy.

Philippians 4 Peace