Monday, January 14, 2008

I cannot believe tomorrow is here...

Today I feel overwhelmed. I have been dreading tomorrow for quite some time. At this point tomorrow will tell a lot. They have enough measurements now to tell for sure tomorrow whether Happy's brain has stopped growing or is just behind. I am praying so hard for growth. Through the autopsy reports, we learned that Isaac's brain stopped growing at 17-20 weeks. At our last appointment they had told us that Happy was measuring at 21 weeks so I am encouraged that it is already a little ahead of where Isaac was. I am trying very hard to cling to this verse:

"We will have no fear of bad news; our hearts are steadfast, trusing in the Lord." Psalm 112:7

I desperately yearn for some good news. As of now I am able to live each day with hope. I am okay with not knowing what tomorrow will bring...I just can't handle doctors telling me that things are hopeless. I feel horrible that I have no desire to see my precious baby on a sonogram screen. Each sonogram is so awkward and painful. The technicians and doctors whisper and type and tell us nothing for 1 hour to 1 1/2 hours until we meet with another doctor. It is a horrible feeling and makes it very difficult to enjoy seeing him.

The truth is, that this baby is such a precious gift to our family. Whether he lives for six minutes or sixty years his life is a gift. I would not change having him for anything. Though Isaac was only with us for six days they were six days that changed our lives in a way we never knew possible. I know that no matter what this baby will do the same. That is what babies do! I am okay with the uncertainty of tomorrow. I know God has this under control and there is nothing I can do but protect and love this little guy for as long as I have him. I just wish the doctors understood that.

It is very likely that tomorrow will be our last appointment in Pittsburgh and this appointment will tell us everything we are going to know about this little guy before he is born, which is not too far away. Tomorrow they will be looking for head/brain growth, they are going to take a detailed look at his heart to see if the hole is still there and if it is what will need to be done if anything. They will look at Isaac's autopsy and photos to see if they can find a link and we will decide whether we should deliver him in Pittsburgh or here in Erie. (We are pulling for Erie, we know so many of the hospital staff, especially all of the ones who cared for us and Isaac and they were wonderful, we also want as many people to have the chance to meet Happy as possible)

As I have spent some time with God in the past few days I have repeatedly heard him say to me...."Be Still" I swear every time I pray that is how He responds to me. I go to him so worked up and frustrated and all I get is "Be Still" so I am trying to just Be Still and rest in knowing that God has this thing covered...there is nothing I can do to change what is to come nor should I want to. This is hard for me...those of you who know me, know that I am painfully Type A! So I am learning new lessons each and every day. I am enjoying my family and the time I have with this baby safely inside of me. I am so thankful for him. I know that God is hearing everyone's prayers and I am so grateful to each and every one of you who has taken the time to pray for our family. In reality...tomorrow is not the defining day...only God knows how this will play out and no matter what the doctors say we must just continue to look to God for our answers. Doctors are human and make mistakes, God doesn't. I must be still and know!

As we head into tomorrow I do have several specific prayer requests: (our appt is at 1:30)
1. Safe travel for Howard and myself (we will be leaving around 10:30)
2. A great day for the boys as they stay home with their cousin Jenna
3. The doctors treat us with compassion and kindness
4. The sonogram would show brain growth
5. That the hole in his heart has closed
6. That Happy is healthy in every other way
7. That no matter what Howard and I will have the strength to be obedient and allow God to FULLY work in this situation, whatever that means.
8. For peace for all of our family in all of this, we are not the only ones struggling...our parents desperately want to help us and save us from this pain but don't know how and we are so concerned about Luke's heart. He is such a sensitive little guy and he still talks about how much he misses Isaac...he is so looking forward to his new little brother.

We want God to use us. Though this entire situation is nearly unbearable at times I want to submit and be obedient to God, and not let bitterness overcome me. I don't get a choice about much in this life, but I do choose how I respond to God and I desperately want to obey and allow him to fully use me and our family however He sees fit. That is not to say that I am not struggling with this, but we must all remember that God gives us babies for a reason...the Bible says that Children are a gift from the Lord, and that is so true. So we must be willing to accept and love that gift no matter how God chooses to give it. So, please understand that though I often write of my struggles, anger and frustration, I also know that God does love us and that this baby is one of God's greatest blessings in my life and I will love and cherish him for as long as God will allow.

Thank you all again for your prayers and support. We love you!


Laurie said...

I am praying here for your appointment to go well. Praying for brain growth for Happy and for the hole in his heart to be healed. I pray the doctors are sensitive and realize how much this little baby is loved and wanted by you, and act accordingly. Most of all for a peace that does pass all understanding for you as you wait on Him, being Still.
Happy is His gift to you right now and I pray nothing steals that joy and hope from you. It is all in Gods hands and I pray you find great rest in this. Asking Him for a miracle here for Happy.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Christa said...

You will be in all of our prayers tomorrow. Miracles happen EVERY day. I will be praying for God's hand to be in *everything* that happens tomorrow.

Amy said...

I found your blog through a friend and have been praying for you ever since. As I read your last post, the song "Still" has been running r, Yothrough my head. Here are the lyrics:

Hide me now,
Under Your wings,
Cover me,
Within Your mighty hands.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar,
I will soar with You above the storm,
Father are King over the flood,
I will be still
And know you are God.

Find rest my soul,
In Christ alone,
Know His power,
In quietness and trust.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar,
I will soar with You above the storm,
Father are King over the flood,
I will be still
And know you are God.

Anonymous said...

I lift up my eyes to the hills--
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip--
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you-
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Psalm 121

God is sufficient for everything and Satan is a liar!!

Praying for your peace and that you will have joy in seeing Happy on the ultrasound regardless of the what the drs. have to say!

Heather in North Carolina
Psalm 121

Anonymous said...

I will be praying specifically for the requests you have listed. Sending a hug your way.


Dennis said...

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Christa said...

I wanted you to know that Miss Reagan prayed for little Happy tonight during her prayers. :) We will be praying tomorrow.

Lannea said...

You are in our prayers all the time...we will especially be praying harder tomorrow for Happy's brain, you, Howard, and the boys, and the doctors in Pittsburgh. Trust in God's Plan and keep reminding yourself to Be Still. We love you guys!
XOXOXO, Lannea, Eric & Norah

Anonymous said...

Prayers for Happy from Texas!

Anonymous said...

I remember Dawn teaching the K-1 kids and telling them that she pictures God holding us carefully in His hand and tucking us into His pocket. She even asks him to hold his hand over that pocket when someone needs extra care and protection. So Boltes, I will pray that you feel the comfot, safety, and peace of God's pocket and that God would show His power in all that happens tomorrow.

The Pittsburgh Hites said...

You know we are praying, and lifting our hearts to the lord that he will surround you with his love and strength tomorrow.
I am praying for you both to have the inner peace to make it through the day where a lot of questions will be answered.
You will be in our prayers all day tomorrow, be safe traveling( btw,376 is closed to Oakland, follow 279 south instead to the exit for ft.pitt bridge and take the exit there)
All our love and prayers!!

Chrissy said...

Praying for you, Happy and Howard as you head to your appt today (as well as Luke and Ben who will be waiting patiently for your safe arrival back home). Praying for good news but either way keep repeating that verse over and over again! Trust in him!

We will have no fear of bad news; our hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD. Psalm 112:7

Laurie said...

Praying for you this morning as you go to your appt. Praying for sensitivity for the doctors over you and Happy, and hoping that your faith and hope remains strong in the Lord. He has his hands on every single heartbeat here, Happy's and yours. He is Lord and says to not be afraid, I pray this for you today. Be still and know God is who He says He is.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Bill and Shelli said...

We're always praying for you guys and will continue. "The task ahead of you is never as great as the POWER behind you!!" God will take care of you all no matter what just trust Him. We are praying for a miracle and with God anything is possible!!

Valerie said...

Praying for you right now as you are in with the doctors.....for strength, wisdom and peace about the whole situation. I know you both do, but TRUST IN HIM!!! God bless your family and especially baby Happy!

Carolyn said...

I am praying right now for you as you are at your appointment.

Anonymous said...

You and your family have been in my thoughts, and heart and prayers today more than ever.


pw said...

Praying for your family and all the uncertainty that you feel. I pray you will feel God holding you close.