Wednesday, May 21, 2008


See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. Hebrews 12:15

The Biblical Greek word for bitterness is the word PIKRIA it refers to intensity of suffering of mind and body, something that is difficult to bear, something that causes animosity and reaction, something that is brought about by hatred or antagonism.

Interestingly enough this word "bitterness" keeps coming to the surface of my heart today. My heart has been so heavy lately and so many things in life seem so difficult sometimes. I often times get so frustrated with myself for feeling this bitterness in my soul because while I have certainly endured hardships in this lifetime it is also true that I have been incredibly blessed. I know that. I know that I have much to be thankful for. Yet, this bitterness remains a part of my soul.

I feel so ill equipped for this journey sometimes. You see, I know I cannot allow this bitterness to take up residence in my soul. I feel such loss and yet I am not sure where to go from here. Some days I feel as though God is sitting on the sofa next to me and other days it seems He is a million miles away. I am not necessarily so interested in WHY God chose us for this journey as I am about what on earth He wants us to do next. I am just not sure where to go with all of this. I have my own ideas but I want to be sure they are coming from God and that they are not about me and my wants, but His. I want to glorify God in every area of my life.

I would love to be able to sit at this computer and tell you all that I am completely at peace with all of what has unfolded in the past couple of years but that would be an outright lie. It is so confusing sometimes. I want my babies with me. I want to hold my sons, I want to kiss each of them goodnight and kiss each of them good morning. I DO accept God's plan for my life and I do submit to be used by him for whatever purposes he deems necessary but this is so hard. I ache so deeply. My tears flow like rain most days and my heart is so broken. I fully know God will use this brokenness, but what on earth does he want me to do next? I want to be obedient but sometimes I feel that I must be drowning out His voice with the sound of my weeping.

I recently read the book of Exodus and found this scripture to be very interesting to me...

It comes from chapter 15 after the Red Sea had been parted and the Israelites had escaped...

22 Then Moses led Israel from the Red Sea and they went into the Desert of Shur. For three days they traveled in the desert without finding water. 23 When they came to Marah, they could not drink its water because it was bitter. (That is why the place is called Marah. [e] ) 24 So the people grumbled against Moses, saying, "What are we to drink?"
25 Then Moses cried out to the LORD, and the LORD showed him a piece of wood. He threw it into the water, and the water became sweet. There the LORD made a decree and a law for them, and there he tested them. 26 He said, "If you listen carefully to the voice of the LORD your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the LORD, who heals you."
27 Then they came to Elim, where there were twelve springs and seventy palm trees, and they camped there near the water

I feel like this period in my life is one of life's deserts that has only bitter water. I am desperately searching for my piece of wood. I want to pay attention to His commands. Perhaps he is still telling me to "Be Still"

Isaiah 38:17, "Behold, bitterness became deliverance to me. In Your love You have delivered my soul out of the pit of destruction; for You have cast all my sins behind my back."


Angie said...

I am praying for you! You have done such a beautiful job of expressing your heart. God can see that more clearly than anyone else, and I know He will carry you away from this bitter place, and he will replace the bitterness with sweet water. I pray for God's peace for you right now as you are in this season, and I ask that He protect you as He continues to carry you on this journey!

Devon said...

honestly, i could have written your words. its a constant struggle just to get through the day. i lost my twin boys in march - they were born at 23 weeks and lived for 2 and 3 days. most days i struggle through...thank you for sharing your heart. i feel blessed to know i am not alone...

The VW's said...

Your heart really speaks to me today. I find myself wondering what is our purpose in life often. I look around and see others having such a seemingly "easy" and "good" life and wonder why our family has been chosen to walk this road. (And our road isn't even as broken as yours.) I find myself feeling sorry for myself some days and other days feeling so grateful for these challenges. All I can say is that we can't ever really know our purpose in this life, but God does have a plan! You obviously are listening for Him and trusting in Him and that is ALL that you can do! You are spreading so much good through your blog and I believe that's your purpose alone! Remember that heaven is our greatest reward and although your days are filled with uncertainty and suffering, this lifetime is short in comparison to eternity! Oh how blessed that day will be when God shows you His rewards for you! I'll be praying for you! Thank you for sharing your heart! You are such a blessing to me and many!

Anonymous said...

God loves you. He is using your broken heart to serve Himself (even if it's "just" by helping and encouraging others... which is a huge thing!). He will unfold His perfect path under your feet.

Anxious AF said...

The vw's comment really said everything. I find myself looking around at everyone else living the easy life I used to have, and I get angry and bitter.

Praying for you today.

Laurie in Ca. said...

Praying for you Kristy and my heart aches for you. In walking beside you in this journey, one truth keeps coming up in your posts and that is to "Be Still". How hard it is to do this at times. I believe the Lord has more mending He wants to do in this valley of your brokenness. He will lead you beside the STILL waters and He will restore your soul. This is what is next and you are there. You ARE glorifying Him in your life. He will give you beauty for your ashes. Bitter may be how you feel now, but the Lord will not allow it to take up residence in your soul.
You belong to Him and He has your heart. Praying for rest and sweet water for you today my friend.

Love, Laurie in Ca.