Tuesday, May 27, 2008

A lamp...

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. - Psalm 119:104-106

As I read this verse this weekend I got to thinking. God provides the light to guide is and lead us, but the verse specifically says, His word is a lamp unto our feet and a light for our paths. It is funny but sometimes I expect God to provide a crystal ball. Lighting my feet and the path they walk on isn't enough sometimes. I want to see the whole picture. I want to know what God wants me to do next. I want to know the plans He has for me and yet no matter how hard I search the plans are never revealed, at least not fully.

He lights our feet and the path upon which they walk, not the path ahead. We may as well just quit trying to get a glimpse of what is to come because he is lighting the here and now and if we are focused on what is ahead we will trip and stumble missing what is here and now.

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. - Isaiah 42:15-17

Now that said, I have had much time to think this weekend and I have been having a really tough time. Friday was an especially tough day. Much of my frustration comes from trying so desperately to find out what is coming next. Planning ahead. I guess though maybe that is not what God is looking for in me. Perhaps, he wants me just to physically and emotionally be in the here and now and not looking so far ahead. It hurts to be in the here and now and I often try to launch myself forward to skip over some of the pain, but he is repeatedly telling me that is not how it works.

He is lighting my feet and path now. I have to trudge through the muck and mire before I can see what is on the other side. There is no way over it and there is no short cut. Often times I feel like I just want to fast forward because the intensity of the pain is so real and so scary. It also seems to make others very uncomfortable. Many well meaning friends and family make futile attempts to "fix" me. Grief and pain like this make others so unsure of what to do to help. If only they would realize that there is nothing that anyone can do to fix it nor should they. I don't want to be fixed and I don't believe God wants that for me either. I have to go through the pain to get to the blessings on the other side. What God does want is for His people to come alongside those who are hurting and just be. It is encouraging just to know we are not alone on this journey. That is why this blog is so healing for me. Hundreds and sometimes thousands of people visit here each day. They may not always comment, but I know they were here. That means something. That means a lot. Those who do comment could never know what that means to me. Even when it is just a simple "I am praying for you". Like I said, I cannot be fixed. I am broken and my pieces will never fit back together the way they once were. That is okay.

For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief. - Ecclesiastes 1:17-18

I have said before that God will use that brokenness. I do believe he will. I guess I just need to stop looking so far ahead for what he is going to do and just be present in the now and what he IS doing at this moment. I cannot look farther than where the light of His lamp falls. That is tough to do, especially as a person who plans, but I am trying to just put my faith in Him and know that where ever he leads is where I need to be. (easier said than done) :-) Thank you all for your encouragement along the way. Every little gesture means so much!

So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. - John 16:21-23

15 comments:

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

I am such a planner, and i will admit a control freak......I used to think I had some control over my life. I still wish I felt that way.

Always praying for you.

sumi said...

This is a great post, Christy. I think we want to know what lies ahead in an attempt to make sense of this horrible mess. We want to know that it is not in vain.

But you are so right, we can only walk this road step by step, alongside with Jesus.

Prayers and blessings to you today!

~Sumi

Yvette said...

Kristy,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post. I so needed this today. You said exactly what I am feeling and struggling with lately. I am a planner big time and that is one thing I had to give up back in August when Tristan was diagnosed with T-18 and I did great until recently. Now, I really want to know when this pain is going to get less esp. on days like today (the 27th) and KNOW all that lies ahead of us and obviously hoping those are brighter days.

Praying for you and your family every day sweet friend!

Love, Yvette
www.tristanasher.blogspot.com

siscaboo said...

I am slowly little by little tearing away the pieces of grief. I have had to walk through it. I have had to crawl through it and drag myself through it. But, I am making it. And I see the blessing on the other side. It is just so hard to get there. I have had to lean on Jesus really hard this past year. But, yeah, living in the now and doing for the now and not trying to forget that now is where you have to be is pretty much how I am making it through.

Great post.

Still praying for you!

dr_bristow said...

Praying for you!
I am a total planner so I can relate to what you are saying. It is so hard to trust sometimes. Praying for God's strength and grace for you this week.

Zac and Jenny said...

Kristy-

I'm glad you're finding support from your blog. I think and pray for you often.

PS: I mailed your package on Friday. I have no idea how long the mail from Boise to your place will take. But it's on its way!

-Jenny

asplashofsunshine said...

Rarely do I feel I can mean much to a perfect stranger... I hope in my occasional comment (or two) I can lift you up for a brief second. I share your story the best way I can whenever I have the opportunity. I do not hold a candle to how you tell your own story, so when I hear of family and friends of mine that have been changed because of you, your husband, and all four boys, I get butterflies. Thanks for all you do, for all you share, and for allowing your life to be opened up in such an honest way.

Melissa Dovel said...

Kristy,

Again I will say- well put! I think that as women we want to carry some thing for you. Although we know that we can not physically carry your pain- we can stand in faith that as time goes on that the light in front of your feet gets broader and brighter. These times may be necessary only because of this "world" we live in. I know that I know that I know he is conforming, and transforming YOU into the woman He needs you to be. The world is bringing you pain and the Lord is bringing you peace. Keep standing in what you know to be the fullness of His truth. He has a purpose for all things and he is NO respector of persons. He feels every inch of your struggles. You are loved deeply through others by Him.

I Praise Him for bringing you peace TODAY.

Sisters In Him,
Melissa

Melissa Dovel said...

Kristy,

Not sure if your a Christ For The Nations Fan. They have a song that you may or may not know of. It made me think of you. Its an amazing intimate love song to the Lord. I sure do hope that this song speaks deeply to you how much we long to be with Him and His closeness to us. You need to go DL it if you have not listened to it.


The more I seek You
The more I find You

The more I find You
The more I love You

I wanna sit at your feet,
drink from the cup in Your hand
Lay back against You and breathe, feel your heartbeat

This love is so deep,
its more that I can stand
I melt in Your peace,
its overwhelming

Blessings
Melissa

The VW's said...

We had this verse printed on shirts for our son for the local walk to support Down syndrome. I love how you put such clarity and meaning to it! Thank you!

I am praying for you and hope that God will make His path for you bright and wonderful! God Bless You!

Driving With the Brakes On said...

Kristy -

I am so thankful that I found your blog, and so sorry that it is not under better circumstances. I have read back through your archives, and cannot adequately express how strong and courageous you and your family are. Your boys - all of them - are absolutely beautiful.

I am in about the same place right now in regards to the future. In my quest to make as much as possible different from the time of Quinn's birth and death (ie., where my furniture is, the color of the paint on the walls, etc.) I am feeling the itch to clean my basement and get rid of all the baby stuff . . . though we have yet to decide if another child is in our future. I hate the uncertainty and the feeling like I am not able to plan, though feeling that way also reminds me that I am not living in the current day and time. Where is the grieving manual that I ordered?!

Corie said...

It is a daily challenge to live in the moment. In the present. I find myself wondering what is next, or ahead of me and yet then reminding myself to finish today first. Wow is that ever so hard. Praying for you. You are facing every day with honesty and God is honored in that.

Anonymous said...

This quote from your post today...

"I don't want to be fixed and I don't believe God wants that for me either. I have to go through the pain to get to the blessings on the other side."

...is what I finally had to come to in getting through the last big hurt in my life. I hope that it continues to pull you along on the days that you feel like you need the extra help to get through! There are blessings ahead, but that is something said and understood by the head and it just takes a while for the heart to buy off on it sometimes. Sometimes it takes a really long while, but I am praying for you that it will happen as soon as possible. I am also praying that God will show those around you how to walk silently next to you in support without trying to fix your feelings. What a gift those people are who truly understand how to best help in these difficult, trying times.

Take care-
Allison

Anonymous said...

Kristy,
When I was reading your post about being broken and not being put back together completely, it made me think of this post http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/05/past-and-pitcher.html

Check it out! I'm sure you will be blessed by the perspective from Angie. God doesn't intend for you to be put back together completely.

Laurie said...

Kristy,

I want to tell you that God has been using your brokenness as you shared about Isaac as you were carrying Asher. I have learned so much about faith as I have traveled along this journey with you. You have grown so much since I started praying for "Happy" along side of you. It is hard to see it when you are the one striving so hard to get through, but you are and you bless me with your honesty, letting me know that none of us do it perfectly and we are all a work in progress with whatever life brings along for us. It is frustrating to try to plan when God's plan takes us down a different path. Thank you for reminding me that He is a lamp unto our feet and He watches our steps with us. He will lead you to joy Kristy, I just know in my heart that He will. Praying for you in this journey and trusting Him with you.

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.