A lamp...

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. - Psalm 119:104-106

As I read this verse this weekend I got to thinking. God provides the light to guide is and lead us, but the verse specifically says, His word is a lamp unto our feet and a light for our paths. It is funny but sometimes I expect God to provide a crystal ball. Lighting my feet and the path they walk on isn't enough sometimes. I want to see the whole picture. I want to know what God wants me to do next. I want to know the plans He has for me and yet no matter how hard I search the plans are never revealed, at least not fully.

He lights our feet and the path upon which they walk, not the path ahead. We may as well just quit trying to get a glimpse of what is to come because he is lighting the here and now and if we are focused on what is ahead we will trip and stumble missing what is here and now.

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. - Isaiah 42:15-17

Now that said, I have had much time to think this weekend and I have been having a really tough time. Friday was an especially tough day. Much of my frustration comes from trying so desperately to find out what is coming next. Planning ahead. I guess though maybe that is not what God is looking for in me. Perhaps, he wants me just to physically and emotionally be in the here and now and not looking so far ahead. It hurts to be in the here and now and I often try to launch myself forward to skip over some of the pain, but he is repeatedly telling me that is not how it works.

He is lighting my feet and path now. I have to trudge through the muck and mire before I can see what is on the other side. There is no way over it and there is no short cut. Often times I feel like I just want to fast forward because the intensity of the pain is so real and so scary. It also seems to make others very uncomfortable. Many well meaning friends and family make futile attempts to "fix" me. Grief and pain like this make others so unsure of what to do to help. If only they would realize that there is nothing that anyone can do to fix it nor should they. I don't want to be fixed and I don't believe God wants that for me either. I have to go through the pain to get to the blessings on the other side. What God does want is for His people to come alongside those who are hurting and just be. It is encouraging just to know we are not alone on this journey. That is why this blog is so healing for me. Hundreds and sometimes thousands of people visit here each day. They may not always comment, but I know they were here. That means something. That means a lot. Those who do comment could never know what that means to me. Even when it is just a simple "I am praying for you". Like I said, I cannot be fixed. I am broken and my pieces will never fit back together the way they once were. That is okay.

For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief. - Ecclesiastes 1:17-18

I have said before that God will use that brokenness. I do believe he will. I guess I just need to stop looking so far ahead for what he is going to do and just be present in the now and what he IS doing at this moment. I cannot look farther than where the light of His lamp falls. That is tough to do, especially as a person who plans, but I am trying to just put my faith in Him and know that where ever he leads is where I need to be. (easier said than done) :-) Thank you all for your encouragement along the way. Every little gesture means so much!

So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. - John 16:21-23