Friday, May 23, 2008

At My Wit's End

I just feel like I am falling apart at the seams lately. I am forgetful and typically I am so organized and on top of things. I am exhausted, I find it difficult to get up and face each new day not knowing what emotions will be brought to the surface that day let alone accomplish anything. I am irritable and cranky. I am more comfortable just staying home than I am facing people because I feel like I make everyone else uncomfortable. No one knows what to say to me or what not to say so there is always this awkwardness. Not to mention the agony of finding something to wear when my clothes still don't fit right. I am typically an on the go type of person and am becoming a home body.

I just don't know who I am anymore. I have NO clue who God wants me to be. I am trying hard to be still and let Him work in me but some days I question His presence. If I am being honest, though I truly believe that God exists and I undoubtedly believe every word of the Bible to be truth I wonder what on earth God is doing, so many things in life seem so unjust. God is supposed to be a just and loving God. I have experienced the love, but am unsure about what I think about God's justice. I know his plan is the only plan, but I really don't like his plan. I also know that my complaining isn't going to change a thing.

I mentioned yesterday that I had read the book of Exodus. It is funny how I was able to draw similarities to myself and the Israelites. God brought them out of Egypt, He parted the Red Sea and brought them victory. They were astounded and figured that the tough part was over so they would be on easy street for at least a while. That is until they were in the desert with no water to drink. I can only imagine the sound of the grumbling and complaining of ALL of those people who were thirsty and had only undrinkable water from a bitter pool to quench their thirst.

It is interesting because that is kind of how I felt after Isaac went Home. I remember thinking to myself with my pregnancy with Ben, "well God has brought us through this and he loves us so he certainly would not cause us that kind of pain again. " I was at ease figuring I had paid my dues. We had Ben without a hitch and I honestly expected nothing less with Asher. The thing is He did allow us that pain again. He allowed it a second time! We are good parents, a good family who is trying our best to raise our children to have a heart for the Lord and for serving others, far from perfect, but trying hard to live a life that honors God, yet he chose US to bear this cross, AGAIN. It just doesn't seem fair. (I know...my dad's favorite line is "Kristy, life's not fair." he must have told me that a trillion times in my teenage years) But it just seems so out of order. So like the Israelites here I am complaining and grumbling. The thing that changed their situation was Moses praying and listening to God and taking the wood and throwing it into the water. It wasn't the wood itself or the complaining, but God's power through Moses' obedience.

I am trying so hard to be obedient and to humbly accept what has been dealt to me, but it is such a hard road. Some days I feel like I am able to find meaning in all of this and I am able to smile and even laugh and other days the tears flow constantly. Lately the tears are of abundance. I can barely hold it together long enough to go to the grocery store. So, today I am on my knees asking God to show me what comes next. Where do we go from here. The rest of the world is able to move on without a hitch and I am still left behind with a crushed and broken heart. What am I to do with that brokenness?

In my devotional today I read this:
"They were a their wit's end. Then the cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress." Psalm 107:27-28

Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner."
Christian, with troubled brow?
Are you thinking of what is before you,
And all you are bearing now?

Does all the world seem against you,
And you in the battle alone?
Remember - at "Wits' end Corner"
Is just where God's power is shown.

Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner",
Blinded with wearying pain,
Feeling you cannot endure it,
You cannot bear the strain,
Bruised through the constant suffering,
Dizzy and Dazed and Numb?
Remember - at "Wits' End Corner,,"
Is where Jesus loves to come.

Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner"?
Your work before you spread,
All lying begun, unfinished,
And pressing on heart and head,
Longing for strength to do it,
Stretching out trembling hands?
Remember - at "Wits' End Corner"
The Burden - Bearer stands.

Are you standing at "Wits' End Corner"?
Then you're just in the very spot
To learn the wondrous resources
Of Him who fails you not;
No doubt to a brighter pathway
Your footsteps will soon be moved,
But only at "Wits' End Corner"
Is the God who is able proved.

- Antoinette Wilson

So I guess here I stand, at the end of my rope. At "Wits' End Corner". I am waiting for God to reveal the beauty he will bring from these ashes, the joy from this pain. I have no doubt he will lift me up, but I pray it is soon as I am growing so weary.

12 comments:

Corinne said...

Kristy I pray for you everyday and and praying right now. I am so sorry that you are hurting so intensely and so deeply. I am sorry that you didn't get to hold your boys here longer. I often wonder if we lived close to you if I would be the kind of friend you need, I hope I would. Your blogs are teaching me what kind of friend someone who is experiencing such grief needs. I hope that I am a better friend because of you. You are a beautiful woman.

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

You are on my heart today.

Anonymous said...

I do not know you and we may never meet on this side of eternity but my soul aches for you. I am sitting my computer begging God to lift you out of this. I pray that you will soon be able to see the light on the other side of this. Please find it within yourself to share and talk with someone who you are close to. I pray for a peace in your sould that you can not explain and a rest that can only come from God. Blessings!

Laurie said...

Kristy,

My heart hurts for you as I read your words today. As you are at the end of your rope at your end of the computer, please know that I am tying a knot of hope in your rope on this end. Something to hold onto as you wait for your rescue. I know you will not be at this place forever and ask God to shine His light soon and bring His peace to your heart. You are precious Kristy and I am pleading with Him for you.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Valerie said...

My heart breaks as I read your words today. The house is quiet, the children sleeping, so I'm going to get off the computer and spend some time in prayer for you and your family right now.....but for you in particular! I pray that God will comfort you, that he will clearly show you where to go from here. He loves you so....and so do we.

Anonymous said...

Dear Kristy,
I want so much to just hug you and try in some way to comfort you.
I don't have the words or the wisdom to help you but am always holding you in my heart and praying for you.
You are loved.

Anonymous said...

Kristy, please seek counseling. You are not weak or less Christian for doing so. There are Christian counselors out there. I say this in all tenderness and sensitivity and hope for you and mean no offense. Please consider this option. I pray for you daily.

The VW's said...

I'm praying for you! I pray that God will give you the peace and relief that you so desperately need!

I thought of you Sunday at church while singing this song: "Come, Ye Disconsolate" Some of the words are as follows: "Come to the mercy seat, fervently kneel; Here bring your wounded hearts, here tell your anguish; Earth has no sorrows that heaven cannot heal." "Here speaks the Comforter, in mercy saying, Earth has no sorrows that heaven cannot cure." I realize that these are only words, but somewhat of a comfort, I hope!

Please know that you are thought about often and prayed for as well!

ajc4ever said...

Kristy, When I first found your website Asher had not yet been born. When I realized that you had already lost a son I was sure that God would never let it happen again. It makes no sense at all that you have gone through this twice. I don't understand it but I trust that Jesus is going to get you through. I am praying and praying to that end.

Angela in Ohio

Kirsten said...

My heart hurts with yours. I wish I could take away the pain. I want to be able to "fix it." I hate when people try to do that for me. And yet that is all I can think of as I read your post. I want to take away all the pain, uncertainty and heaviness.

Thank you for being open and so honest about what you are feeling. You are such an amazing woman! Your faith in the midst of your trials speaks volumes. You are such an example and encouragement to others.

Thank you for sharing your devotional. It is helpful for the rest of us who are at "Wit's End
Corner" too.

God bless you today. I pray that He will envelope you with his loving, protective and comforting arms.

Blessings,
Kirsten

Yvette said...

Kristy,

I, too, understand the days like this as I have felt so good, laughing and moving forward (so I thought!) but it seems as though I've struggled more since Mother's Day and can't seem to be as good as I was before. I can only imagine the pain you must be feeling as you not only grieve for one precious little boy but two. Oh sweet friend, my heart goes out to you today. I so wish we lived closer, I would be at your doorstep to give you a HUGE hug and tell you I know what your feeling. Try to get some rest tonight and know that so many people are praying for you. I pray for you every day but will be praying even harder!

Love, Yvette
www.tristanasher.blogspot.com

thepipers said...

These are such honest, true experiences that all of us who have lost children feel. You are not alone. Some days I feel like I'm literally on a roller coaster of emotions--I'll go from happy and joyful one minute to irritable and cranky the next, back to happy, then bawling at the kitchen table. There's just no way to predict it.

I am praying for you today. The 22nd is our day, too. We're just passed 8 months on the 22nd.