Monday, May 19, 2008


Well, I sit here tonight, the house again silent. Everyone sleeping but me. In preparing for tomorrow I have been looking back over old entries in this blog and kind of reliving some of those moments while carrying Asher. I would do anything to go back and hit the pause button. I so desperately loved pregnancy with each of my boys and truly hope I am blessed to do it again someday.

I have been frustrated with our pediatrician's office lately but my visit today with him confirmed why he is the doctor we stay with despite how busy and chaotic his office sometimes is. He really is great with the boys, he is super funny and is one of the best doctors in the area. He is a neonatologist at the hospital and so it is more difficult to see him some days but he really is worth it. He took his time with us today he joked with Luke ( who insisted upon wearing his aviator sunglasses through the exam), asked about Ben and about Asher. He asked how we were doing and said he had seen us at the March for Babies. We are blessed to have compassionate and overly competent doctors in our area that is for sure.

I am preparing to go tomorrow and speak at my MOPS group here at the Federated Church in Springfield. I am usually a pretty good public speaker (or so I have been told) and actually seldom get nervous. This time is different. This time I am speaking to many people who have known me for years. Who knew me when Luke was my only child. Who knew me in High School. People who read this blog and pray for me daily. What could I possibly have to offer?

I am still fumbling and stumbling on this long and sometimes treacherous road. I am able to praise God but I have to admit most days it is through gritted teeth and clenched fists. I am unable to make sense of much of anything lately. I am exhausted, sad and easily irritated. I know God's plan is perfect, I just wish I could see it from above to have a better understanding of how this is what is best for me. I am continually told that God won't give me more than I can handle and yet He does. I guess my belief these days is that God won't give me more than HE can handle. Because none of this has anything to do with me or my strength, I have none. This week will mark three months since Asher blessed us here on earth with his presence and I am still in such pain.

Tonight I am exhausted. I ran all morning and then had the Tupperware party, got the kids to bed and now am preparing for tomorrow when I speak and then also return to work. For some reason the fact that the autopsy report was not in is REALLY bugging me. I think with Isaac the autopsy report was something I wasn't really interested in and yet after getting it got an answer that I never anticipated. You see I never saw Isaac's eyes. It had always torn at my heart that I never knew what color my son's eyes were and the blessing that came in that autopsy report was the answer to that question. His eyes were blue. Just like Luke's.

I never saw Asher's eyes either. A mom longs to look into her infant's eyes. There is a connection there. A bond as if they can see into your soul like no one else can. They see you for who you really are and love you anyway. They see the love and the fear in your eyes and yet they know you love them so deeply and will always protect them. They trust in a way many of us cannot even comprehend. They rely on us for every single need. I never had that privilege with Isaac or Asher and more than anything I want to know what color Asher's eyes were. It may seem like a silly thing to yearn for but I do. I hate that I need an autopsy report to tell me but I need to know. Were they blue like Luke and Isaac or brown like Ben's?


Lisa said...

You have so much to offer. You speak things out loud that others fear to even say to themselves. You have an assurance of God's presence that most of us are in awe of. You have an honesty & purity to your emotions that I respect so much, and I am sure I am not alone in that.

You give your heart so openly. Your pain, your doubts, your certainties, your everything. And anyone who knows you, who reads your words is better for it.

You will be the incredible speaker that everyone tells you that you are tomorrow, because you speak from your heart.

See you in the morning,

Emily said...

God bless you, precious woman. Sweet Miller Grace couldn't open her eyes like I wanted her to either. I helped her open them just a little and remember the peace that came just from looking into them and hearing from the opthamologist that they were perfect and blue. It matters. Everything does.

You'll do great tomorrow. The joy of the Lord will be your strength.

He knows we can do nothing without Him. He's meeting us step for step, even when when cannot see Him.

I'll be praying you through.

Kim ( said...

I was thinking about you tonight. I am praying for you. I appreciate so much you being real and sharing what you do. I see myself when I read a lot of your posts. Just speak from your heart tomorrow - you have everything to offer! You are amazing.
Still praying....

Unknown said...


You did such a WONDERFUL job today! I thank you SO MUCH for getting up and sharing such personal feelings and experiences. I know that at times you were overwhelmed with emotion, but your words and honesty speak volumes. You spoke directly to my heart as I'm sure you did to many other women there today.

As I was listening to you today, I couldn't help but think how blessed all of your boys are to know such unconditional love! I pray that God will fulfill the desires of you heart and give you the answers that you seek. I continue to pray for you and your entire family as you walk this path. (Know that we are right behind you, ready to help and support you in any way that you need!) God bless!